Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Case # 9900301: Stump, Patrick
Chapter Two
12 reviewsAn Anna Nicole-like fight over the father of Patrick's baby breaks out. Although Pete probably thinks he's the father of that one too.
4Funny
Interview #02: Hurley, Andy Friend
We were all very, uh, confused, when we found out. Especially me, because me and Patrick had gotten (he pause as he laces his fingers together) closer over the past year. (He frowns) Hey, I know what you're thinking and we've never... (He let's the sentence end), but we did... (He lets it drop also) We were drunk; it was New Years... Maybe my mom was right. Don't hold hands because that could lead to kissing and kissing can get you pregnant.
Interview #03: Truman, Joe Friend
When I first found out, I was, like, "it has to be the drugs." I was so stoned once that I thought I was pregnant! Now I was so stoned that I thought Patrick was pregnant. I knew something was wrong when I stopped smoking for a few days, and Patrick was still pregnant.
The next day, Pete was lying around, channel surfing, when something on CNN caught his eye. "Hey 'Trick?" Pete yelled, quickly sitting up.
"Pete, I'm a little..." Patrick called from the bathroom.
Pete heard Patrick vomit and he stuck his tongue out. "Patrick, this is important! Can't you have morning sickness some other time?" he whined.
"Yes Pete, the fact that it's called 'morning sickness' means I get to chose when I get it," Patrick replied sarcastically.
As soon as he said that, the home phone and Pete's cell phone rang at the same time. "Patrick, can you get that?" Pete groaned, picking up his cell phone, flipping it open and putting it to his ear. "Hello?" he mumbled.
"Why's Patrick on TV?" Andy asked from the other end.
"Uh," Pete replied.
"Can't you do anything to help, Pete?" Patrick yelled, grabbing the phone and blurting, "What?"
"Pathrick?"
Patrick sighed. "What do you want Joe?"
"Why are you on TV?" he asked.
"Wha?" Patrick said, furrowing his forehead in confusion. He dropped the phone and wandered into the living room.
"Hello?" Joe asked.
"Pete?" Patrick said, his eyes growing wide at the sight of himself on CNN.
"Andy, come over here. We've got to tell you something," Pete said quickly and hung up. He got up and gently went over to his Patrick. "Pat..."
Patrick's face was dark, "Since when did CNN become part of the scientific community?" he asked and started to sob.
"Ah, Patrick. I'm sorry," Pete mumbled giving him a hug. "I told you it was important."
"Joe of all people watches..." Patrick moaned, then he stopped. "Oh my God, I forgot about Joe!" With that, he ran back to the kitchen and picked up the phone.
"Pathrick, if you don't answer me..."
"Joe?"
"Hi Pathrick."
"Come over here. I need to explain something," Patrick said, twirling the phone cord nervously.
"I would expect stho," Joe replied. It was painfully obvious that Joe had no idea why his band mate was on TV.
Patrick laughed softly as he hung up.
Andy and Joe came by a little bit later and they were set on the couch while Pete and Patrick stood in front of them. Patrick grabbed Pete's arm and looked at him lovingly. "Me and Pete have something to tell you."
"They've figured out how to do personality transplants?" Joe asked hopefully.
"No!" Patrick snapped. He and Pete smiled at each other. "Guys, we're pregnant."
Andy's mouth dropped open stupidly.
Joe started to laugh. "Which one of you is preggo?"
Patrick frowned. "Me."
Joe started to laugh harder. "And... and... who's the father?"
Patrick smiled. "You."
Joe stopped abruptly.
"Well, that shut you up," Patrick replied, rolling his eyes.
Andy's face was creased in thought. Finally, he got up and grabbed Patrick. "Patrick, can we talk?" he asked, taking him into Pete and his bedroom and slamming him against the wall.
Patrick frowned again. "Hey, the baby!"
"Patrick, I know how this happened," Andy stated rather pointedly.
"Andy, relax. It's not yours. It's Pete's."
"No. No it's not," Andy said, shaking his head.
Patrick pushed Andy away from him. "How do you know?"
"I..." Andy sighed, trying to find a way to explain this. "Do you remember New Years?"
Patrick smiled and shook his head. "Barely, but what does that have to do with anything? All we did was..."
"Patrick, I'm a Transfelidorian!" Andy blurted. "When we kissed, I think I might've accidentally transferred an egg to you and that's why you're pregnant."
Patrick was confused. "You what?"
"I'm an alien?" Andy said simply, raising his eyebrows in a "please forgive me" matter. "I have a book if you want to read about it," he added as an afterthought.
"You did this to me?!" he yelled, then almost immediately started to cry. "Oh no. No," he moaned, putting his hands over his face.
Andy knitted his eyebrows in concern. "What's the matter? Aren't you glad you know whose it is now?"
"No. Pete thinks it's his! He's going to be crushed!" Patrick cried.
"How exactly does Pete think he impregnated you?" Andy asked, curious.
Patrick put one hand on his head and the other on his stomach as he sat down on the bed. "Pete thinks he has super sperm," he laughed bitterly as he sniffed, "he likes to brag that he can get a girl pregnant just by looking at her."
Andy snorted.
"Oh God, Andy. What the hell am I going to do?"
"You could tell him the baby's his?" Andy suggested.
Patrick glared at him. "I can't lie to him! Besides, he'd figure it out once the baby came out green."
"How dare you assume aliens are green!" Andy snapped.
"Oh yeah? What do they look like?" Patrick replied angrily.
"Like me! But hopefully, it'll look more like you," he added quietly. He gave Patrick a sad smile. "Pete's so disillusioned, he probably won't notice that the kid doesn't look like him anyway."
Patrick got up and gave Andy a hug. "Andy, if this baby's a boy, it's going to be named after you and you're going to be the godfather and..."
"Sorry," Andy mumbled.
"It's okay," Patrick replied. "I don't think I've seen Pete this happy in a long time. Did you know he's always wanted kids?"
"Is that why he thinks he can get girls pregnant by looking at them?"
"It makes him feel better about himself if he let's himself believe that there's hundreds of unaccounted for little Petes running around."
Andy thought about it, but shook his head. "Do you seriously know how messed up your kid's going to be?"
"Shut up."
We were all very, uh, confused, when we found out. Especially me, because me and Patrick had gotten (he pause as he laces his fingers together) closer over the past year. (He frowns) Hey, I know what you're thinking and we've never... (He let's the sentence end), but we did... (He lets it drop also) We were drunk; it was New Years... Maybe my mom was right. Don't hold hands because that could lead to kissing and kissing can get you pregnant.
Interview #03: Truman, Joe Friend
When I first found out, I was, like, "it has to be the drugs." I was so stoned once that I thought I was pregnant! Now I was so stoned that I thought Patrick was pregnant. I knew something was wrong when I stopped smoking for a few days, and Patrick was still pregnant.
The next day, Pete was lying around, channel surfing, when something on CNN caught his eye. "Hey 'Trick?" Pete yelled, quickly sitting up.
"Pete, I'm a little..." Patrick called from the bathroom.
Pete heard Patrick vomit and he stuck his tongue out. "Patrick, this is important! Can't you have morning sickness some other time?" he whined.
"Yes Pete, the fact that it's called 'morning sickness' means I get to chose when I get it," Patrick replied sarcastically.
As soon as he said that, the home phone and Pete's cell phone rang at the same time. "Patrick, can you get that?" Pete groaned, picking up his cell phone, flipping it open and putting it to his ear. "Hello?" he mumbled.
"Why's Patrick on TV?" Andy asked from the other end.
"Uh," Pete replied.
"Can't you do anything to help, Pete?" Patrick yelled, grabbing the phone and blurting, "What?"
"Pathrick?"
Patrick sighed. "What do you want Joe?"
"Why are you on TV?" he asked.
"Wha?" Patrick said, furrowing his forehead in confusion. He dropped the phone and wandered into the living room.
"Hello?" Joe asked.
"Pete?" Patrick said, his eyes growing wide at the sight of himself on CNN.
"Andy, come over here. We've got to tell you something," Pete said quickly and hung up. He got up and gently went over to his Patrick. "Pat..."
Patrick's face was dark, "Since when did CNN become part of the scientific community?" he asked and started to sob.
"Ah, Patrick. I'm sorry," Pete mumbled giving him a hug. "I told you it was important."
"Joe of all people watches..." Patrick moaned, then he stopped. "Oh my God, I forgot about Joe!" With that, he ran back to the kitchen and picked up the phone.
"Pathrick, if you don't answer me..."
"Joe?"
"Hi Pathrick."
"Come over here. I need to explain something," Patrick said, twirling the phone cord nervously.
"I would expect stho," Joe replied. It was painfully obvious that Joe had no idea why his band mate was on TV.
Patrick laughed softly as he hung up.
Andy and Joe came by a little bit later and they were set on the couch while Pete and Patrick stood in front of them. Patrick grabbed Pete's arm and looked at him lovingly. "Me and Pete have something to tell you."
"They've figured out how to do personality transplants?" Joe asked hopefully.
"No!" Patrick snapped. He and Pete smiled at each other. "Guys, we're pregnant."
Andy's mouth dropped open stupidly.
Joe started to laugh. "Which one of you is preggo?"
Patrick frowned. "Me."
Joe started to laugh harder. "And... and... who's the father?"
Patrick smiled. "You."
Joe stopped abruptly.
"Well, that shut you up," Patrick replied, rolling his eyes.
Andy's face was creased in thought. Finally, he got up and grabbed Patrick. "Patrick, can we talk?" he asked, taking him into Pete and his bedroom and slamming him against the wall.
Patrick frowned again. "Hey, the baby!"
"Patrick, I know how this happened," Andy stated rather pointedly.
"Andy, relax. It's not yours. It's Pete's."
"No. No it's not," Andy said, shaking his head.
Patrick pushed Andy away from him. "How do you know?"
"I..." Andy sighed, trying to find a way to explain this. "Do you remember New Years?"
Patrick smiled and shook his head. "Barely, but what does that have to do with anything? All we did was..."
"Patrick, I'm a Transfelidorian!" Andy blurted. "When we kissed, I think I might've accidentally transferred an egg to you and that's why you're pregnant."
Patrick was confused. "You what?"
"I'm an alien?" Andy said simply, raising his eyebrows in a "please forgive me" matter. "I have a book if you want to read about it," he added as an afterthought.
"You did this to me?!" he yelled, then almost immediately started to cry. "Oh no. No," he moaned, putting his hands over his face.
Andy knitted his eyebrows in concern. "What's the matter? Aren't you glad you know whose it is now?"
"No. Pete thinks it's his! He's going to be crushed!" Patrick cried.
"How exactly does Pete think he impregnated you?" Andy asked, curious.
Patrick put one hand on his head and the other on his stomach as he sat down on the bed. "Pete thinks he has super sperm," he laughed bitterly as he sniffed, "he likes to brag that he can get a girl pregnant just by looking at her."
Andy snorted.
"Oh God, Andy. What the hell am I going to do?"
"You could tell him the baby's his?" Andy suggested.
Patrick glared at him. "I can't lie to him! Besides, he'd figure it out once the baby came out green."
"How dare you assume aliens are green!" Andy snapped.
"Oh yeah? What do they look like?" Patrick replied angrily.
"Like me! But hopefully, it'll look more like you," he added quietly. He gave Patrick a sad smile. "Pete's so disillusioned, he probably won't notice that the kid doesn't look like him anyway."
Patrick got up and gave Andy a hug. "Andy, if this baby's a boy, it's going to be named after you and you're going to be the godfather and..."
"Sorry," Andy mumbled.
"It's okay," Patrick replied. "I don't think I've seen Pete this happy in a long time. Did you know he's always wanted kids?"
"Is that why he thinks he can get girls pregnant by looking at them?"
"It makes him feel better about himself if he let's himself believe that there's hundreds of unaccounted for little Petes running around."
Andy thought about it, but shook his head. "Do you seriously know how messed up your kid's going to be?"
"Shut up."
Sign up to rate and review this story