Categories > Books > Harry Potter > One Shots and Drabbles

A Wizards Staff has Knob on the End of It

by fitzgerald 3 reviews

Start of a possible Harry Potter/Discworld Crossover. How will Hogwarts cope with a cunning fully trained Unseen University graduate back in his eleven year old body. Espacially one with his PhD ...

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Crossover, Humor - Characters: Dumbledore, Harry - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2007-04-02 - Updated: 2007-04-03 - 2762 words

Harry sighed as he found himself locked in once more in the cupboard under the stairs. At least this time he knew what freakish thing he had done, after all it wasn't everyday he talked to snakes and trapped Dudley in the exhibit. That was and of itself pretty spectacular and Harry decided quietly that the one of the first things he was going to do when he got out of the cupboard was find a snake to befriend. At least this way Dudley couldn't scare it off from being his friend and the snake had been pretty friendly.

That was when Harry slightly bemused felt the air start to taste of tin and before he could react a susurrus occurred leaving the cupboard under the stairs empty. Ripples of reality were bent in the process and if any one sensitive had been there they would have sworn that a distinctive sound of many thousands of feet running away in a frantic pace could be heard.


Harry James Potter; B Thaum. Masters of Demonology, and PhD in Explosive Entropy was leaning against a door in one of the average neighbourhoods of Ankh, which meant compared to an average neighbourhood of Morpork it was an opulent district. Arch Chancellor Ridcully's Assistant, a position Harry created for himself via the point of a sharp blade, Harry found himself providing means and assistance to the smooth running of Ankh Morpork. In this particular case expressing the extreme displeasure the Wizards had in the trade a certain gentleman was pursuing.

In this case it was the fact that certain Klatchian traders had provided the merchant in question with magical slave collars. It wasn't to say the Unseen University was opposed to slavery, Harry certainly was though, just to the use of magic in this case as it certainly wasn't sporting and not to mention hadn't been produced by alumni. Seeing the last of the girls lead out and into the waiting arms of the Seamstress's Guild by Captain Carrot Harry paused and nodded at the certainly charismatic copper.

"Cleared out then Captain? No one left inside?" Harry asked politely as he shifted his hat slightly and brought his staff to bear on the house in question. Harry unlike most wizards preferred a style of wizarding dress that wasn't bright, loud and dominating, instead going for the also highly traditional and intimidating robes in blacks or dark greens in satin with an heavy option on leather. With his shoulder length ebon hair, green eyes and porcelain complexion Harry cut a fine figure.

Unlike almost all wizards Harry when it came to the three traditions pleasures of wine, women and song had decided to ditch the singing in favour of women. Given his looks and after an awkward start Harry had cut through the Universities maids, the young ladies of Ankh Morpork, and the ladies of the Seamstress's guild like a fireball through butter. Which explained why his current post doctoral studies were officially on sex magic's where he was under taking practical research with the goal of supporting Swonkies personally.

Captain Carrot nodded and watched with an air of concentration as Harry with certain calm and deliberation weaved his magic and turned the merchants in question home into a pyre of hellfire that didn't touch the neighbouring households. Outsiders would think it odd that the wizards would get away with this, but on the whole the wizards thought this was a demonstration of great suitability and restraint, after all it wasn't as if anyone was getting splashed with their displeasure.

Twirling his staff and stopping the flames Harry nodded and watched the molten remains slowly punch their way through the silt of the city. "There weren't any dwarves tunnelling in this area were there?" Harry asked casually, if there were they'd certainly be pissed as the molten rock bore its way down.

"No I double checked, the nearest works are two blocks over," Carrot added amiably before saying honestly "Pleasure working with the University Harry."

"Captain Carrot" Harry added and gave a short salute with his staff before he started striding back to the University via the Whore Pits.

"Always a pleasure to work in co-operation with other elements of civil society isn't Angua." Carrot stated happily "That Harry Potter certainly does his magic rather doesn't he."

"That isn't the only thing he does well," Angua answered as her nose picked out Harry's scent, which like Carrots dominated the air. Harry was the second most charismatic man she had met and unlike her Carrot was definitely not clueless around the fairer sex. A most dangerous young man indeed, Angua thought as she watched Harry Potter cut his way through the crowds. A wizard who moved like an assassin, was supicious as a copper, and only in comparison to Carrot wasn't a king.

No Angua thought as both the woman and wolf in her agreed, the dark haired prince who could possibly make trouble for her mate if he chose to. Fortunately however her contacts within the Unseen University made it clear Harry wasn't interested in taking over Ankh Morpork or even supporting someone else in that venture. Instead the powerful young wizard seemed to be more concerned with building his own empire within the University. Or as Commander Vimes put it "He wants to doff the bloody hat. Fortunately I won't have to deal with him as Arch chancellor by the time he gets it."

That was when at the edge of her enhanced senses Angua caught the susurrus just as Harry was stepping into the alleyway. No traces of Harry could be found two steps into the shortcut; he had just vanished into thin air.


Harry was annoyed, vexed, and frustrated beyond belief. Someone had buggered with his temporal gland and shoved him back into the cupboard of his long ignored youth. Fortunately however his staff, made of sapient pearwood, was in his hand and he wasn't a fully trained graduate of the Unseen University for nothing. A quick blast later and the cupboard door revealed that he was back in the prison of Privet Drive.

Shuffling in his now too large robes and clothing, Harry stared in disbelief as he poked at the pictures of the fat pig Dudley Dursley. Oh Harry had known he was from a different world the instant he landed in the Great Hall of the Unseen University before the afternoon tea. The references to Ankh Morpork, the existence of magic and the general ignorance of London proved it. After all everybody knew of London.

"Io's black birds" Harry cursed, just because one didn't believe in the gods didn't mean pissing them off into hurling lightning bolts was a smart idea. "I'm back and have to go through puberty again."

"What's the racket boy!" Uncle Vernon declared as he thundered down the stairs with cricket bat in hand. Seeing Harry in a wizards hat and far too loose robes Vernon paused a beat before bellowing "He's turned into a freak Petunia!"

Warming up a fireball, Harry glared at his tormentor and growled out "Watch what you call me porker"

Even with Harry's commanding tone Vernon reacted on instinct and charged at him with a shout of fury from his lips. Which lasted all but an instance as Harry's fireball incinerated the bat and with a simple twist of his staff Harry shattered Vernon's right kneecap. Like a might oak Vernon tumbled majestically and landed with a solid thump.

A minute later a concussed Dudley and screaming Aunt Petunia were seated around the kitchen table as Harry shuffled around making himself breakfast. That the Dursleys were bound magically prevented any accidents, and by the time Harry had the fry up on a plate in front of him Dudley was whimpering in hunger.

"When did you learn your parents freakish magical ways" Aunt Petunia hissed out furiously.

Having gone twenty-five years without learning anything about them beyond being drunks who died in a car crash Harry was intrigued. "Elucidate" Harry ordered with a hard edge in his voice and a number three stiletto in the other.

"Perfect Lily" here even magically bound and frightened Petunia managed to add utter contempt to voice "Went that school for your freak kind" here the contempt changed as Petunia spoke the next word as if it was something vile and had come out the Ankh after being filtered through the twin cities "Hogwarts. Where she met your no good freak father and his friends and got herself killed."

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. That's where freaks of your kind go to learn your freakish ways and I don't doubt they'll come collect you soon enough to attend there." Petunia added snarkily "Good riddance to trash I say."

With that Harry felt a beat of absolute terror pass through him as he thought 'They're going to try and make me a student! By Om's giant turtle that's horrible. I've already got my education at the Unseen University.'

Then Harry's wit already sharpened by far too many University memos and meetings harkened onto the more personally interesting part "You will tell me everything and anything you know about my parents Petunia."


So the next day, Harry in clothing that fit found himself greeted by a letter addressed to him done in swirling green ink from Hogwarts.

Summoning a minor demon Harry promptly handed the grumbling imp his letter, for some reason it was tougher to break through the dimensional barriers here thought it could just be an effect of his de-aging, and told it "Deliver this letter to this McGonagall person. Trust an owl to carry post what sort of fool do they take me for."

It was remarkable what the span of a day had wrought in the Dursley household. Several hours of interrogation had drawn out all sorts of details out of Aunt Petunia about his parents and the world they inhabited. Harry wasn't exactly sure why they seemed so intent on hiding themselves away, but chalked it up to weirdness in general. That they didn't have sourcerers and the background thaum readings were pretty low were a surprise.

So Harry took over the guest bedroom and after melting down the crap Aunt Marge had accumulated in there over the years declared it satisfactory for his needs. Vernon on the other hand was permitted to call the ambulance service a few hours in that morning and was still drugged up and in hospital and thus blissfully ignorant.

Frankly Harry wasn't sure what was worse about his situation, that his assault on the position of Arch Chancellor had been halted at least temporarily if not permanently, or that he was going to have to be a student again. Deciding it was the later as it involved going through puberty Harry cursed in his mind the delays to his studies in sex magic. Really it was going to be at least two if not three years before he could take it up again and then with the added difficulty of convincing the young women he was suitable material when if things proved true to form he was going to be nothing more than skin and bones.

Perhaps though an early start to the exercise regime he had learnt from fellow students from Viper House in the Assassins Guild would pay off. His ability to speak with snakes had earned him a fair bit of coin and knowledge as he could milk the most dangerous ones safely after making a deal. Besides Harry's approach to promotion had been to revive the traditional approach of a dagger in the back, or poison in the cup which had fallen out of favour with Ricdully's survival. The proper way to go about it, Harry realized wasn't to promote everybody else just himself.

Hours later Harry watched the imp poof back in with a cloud of brimstone flipping his staff up in a threatening gesture he growled as much as his nearly eleven-year-old voice could allow, "Well did you deliver the message?"

Snickering at this the imp chortled and answered "Course I did. Scared the dickens out of her as well. Really what sort of witch was she? Having to use a wand and all."

Harry nodded at that, it had been the fact that they relied on wands of all things to perform magic that surprised him the most, what was wrong with a nice athame, or just moulding magic through ones will. He had wondered about the sport played on broomsticks however, the dwarves were reluctant to add certain features like higher top speeds to them preferring reliability and sturdiness. Stranger things had happened but what was up with his Aunts insistence that they drank pumpkin juice. What exactly was wrong with a regular pint or a thimble of scrumble?

Dismissing the imp with a wave Harry watched it depart and began to ponder if he should take the risk and summon this worlds Death to determine what had exactly happened to him. Decisions, decisions.


Minerva was not in a happy mood as she bustled her way up to Albus's office. Harry's acceptance letter had arrived via an imp, an imp of all things, and brought with it more questions than answers. What in the world had the Dursleys been teaching Harry or hiring others to teach Harry. The furious set of her jaw caused the gargoyle to grind aside recognizing the deputy headmistress wasn't in the mood to play at all. Storming up the stairs Minerva took a deep breath and entered to see Albus engaged in a staring contest with Fawkes over the last lemon drop.

"Good afternoon Minerva what seems to be the problem" Albus asked kindly as he continued to keep his gaze on his familiar.

"Harry Potter!" Minerva practically shouted in her frustration.

"Of course his Hogwarts letter was sent this morning wasn't it. I was thinking of sending Hagrid to fetch him and get his school things." Albus added cheerfully "He is so looking forward to seeing young Harry again."

"Harry's the problem. He sent his reply back with an Imp!" Minerva declared hotly.

"He's an imp?"

"No he summoned one to send his reply"

"What!" Albus declared startled as he turned to take in his agitated Deputy with his full attention, which Fawkes used as an opening to steal the lemon drop.

"He summoned an imp and sent this reply. This is a disaster Albus" Minerva declared "He's questioning why he should receive additional training in magic.'

"Bachelor of Thaumaturgy. Master of Demonology and what's this Doctorate in Explosive Entropy all from an Unseen University?" Albus declared after reading off the titles Harry had added after his name.

It was then that one Albert Fitzpatrick, a Head Master from the 1300's added in the silence "An Unseen University graduate eh. Get him to teach, right impressive wizards they are. The one I had drop in through the library certainly knew some powerful magic."

Brow furrowed Albus turned to Albert and asked, "You've heard of this" here Albus paused as if describing something rather fraudulent "Unseen University then."

"Another dimension, one of the more improbable but highly magical ones. Course the real difficulty was nailing him down to teach, apparently he had taken to research in an effort to avoid that duty." Fitzpatrick added before cackling, "Though they object to teaching witches, claim witchcraft is witchcraft and wizardry is wizardry and never the twain shall meet."

Groaning at this new headache Albus rubbed his forehead and added "Perhaps you should visit Harry and introduce him to the wizarding world. Get a feeling for his other capabilities as well. After all one can never too old to learn something new and perhaps it will benefit both young Harry and us."

Glaring at Albus, after all if Harry had been placed properly and not with those muggles this likely wouldn't have occurred Minerva nodded. What was worse Minerva thought to herself as she left was that Harry had explicitly mentioned his interest in using Hogwarts Library to continue his research into sex magics for his post doctoral work. Given Harry's fame, and if Minerva wasn't far off the mark his inherited looks the boy would be going through the girls here like a ram through sheep.

The mind of a twenty five year old in an eleven year olds body, what more could go wrong Minerva asked herself as she made her way back to her office. Next thing you'd know Harry would end up in Slytherin.
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