FicWad

The hallway was uninviting and dark as I searched through my purse for my apartment keys. I was always losing them. I took advantage of the fact that I could always have another made if it came down to it, so I didn't put much effort into keeping up with them very well. I was also slightly irresponsible. At any rate, the science of keys failed to make much sense to me. Not every key could open any door. It had to be a specific key. However, you could just go and replace that key by making a duplicate of it. That way you could do whatever you wanted with the original. It ceased to matter because you had back ups. I think that says a lot about human nature.

My key went slid into the lock gracefully and I was grateful that something had acted as so today. The wind from my open window caused the door to slam offensively and loudly behind me which aided in the dropping of my bag to the floor creating a mess of make up and expired receipts. This chain of events was fine by me, albeit slightly ironic because that was exactly how I felt at the moment. A loud offensive mess.

I left the contents of my bag on the floor and questioned as to if I had left my key in the door as well. I walked to the couch and sat down gently replaying earlier events in my head.

Him. I saw him. I saw him out of context, but it was him none the less. When did he stop becoming a 'you' and start becoming a 'he'?

It had been two months since that day at the lake. My lake. Our lake. No, my lake. It was my lake first until I revealed it to him and the memories of us overpowered my want to visit it anymore, but it was still mine. I wasn't going to let him take that away from me.

Her. I saw her too. I had never seen her before. At least not in real life. Not in anything except a skewed, badly angled photo on a computer screen. Seeing her made her feel real to me, which is ridiculous because she had been real this whole time. I knew she existed and I knew the relationship that was very much alive between the both of them. She was always real. I just chose to ignore it. I had been there first so I felt like I had the right to play the part I did. I played it for months before I chose to resign and she never even knew. She trusted him. She trusted him whole-heartedly. At first I thought her naïve, then as time went on I thought her brave, even admirable. I soon realized she was oblivious. Her naivety made her moronic and blind. She trusted a boy with her entire soul who had another girl doing the same when he met her. Did she not think he'd do the same to her as he did to the girl once in her place?

I couldn't hate her. I didn't hate her. She interrupted my relationship and changed it forever, but that wasn't her fault. I wasn't going to misplace the blame. I was fully aware of who deserved my despondency. However, she has every right to blame me for hers. She just isn't aware of it yet. Ignorance really is bliss.

Seeing him today was indescribable. I let him go. Two months ago, I let go of four years of history. I had vowed to do that many times before, but my word was no good, I always gave in. He was like the medication I took when I couldn't sleep. Not enough couldn't cut it and too much left me weak, yet yearning for more

He made my world stop again. I had forgotten what that felt like. My peripheral vision blurs and all I can see is him.

I began to feel angry, and sad, and claustrophobic, and frustrated, and full of emptiness, and I realized that these exact feelings are why I put all of this behind me.

I stood up so quickly I sent the couch backwards an inch or so. I grabbed my keys out of the door, forgetting to lock it as I slammed it behind me. I knew where I wanted to be and it wasn't here