Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > An argument for consciousness
I wrapped my jacket tighter around my thin frame as the wind blew harder. The weather was colder, but other than that I could always count on this lake to never change. I looked down for rocks to throw, but dismissed that when I realized that it reminded me of him. Instead, I opted for a tree stump to sit on, but quickly stood when I remembered our first kiss took place here. In fact, a lot of firsts took place here. All with him and all felt like forever ago.
Four years and I had nothing to show for it except a lot of wasted time and a negative view on relationships of every kind.
I heard the familiar sound of rocks being manipulated by shoes and I just knew that those shoes were being occupied by his feet. Black vans halted in front of me and I knew looking up was unnecessary.
"You haven't been here in a while." his voice was scratchy from too many cigarettes. I always hated that he smoked.
"Maybe you just haven't seen me." I kicked at the rocks to have something stable to look at. Also to have an excuse to not look at him.
"I saw you today." He stated simply.
My head jerked up without giving any notice to the rest of my body. I never once thought that maybe he had seen me. I was too occupied with the fact that I had seen him. It felt like forever, but when he realized that was the only response he was going to get from me, he continued to fill the empty space with his voice.
"I come here a lot lately. It helps me think. Usually I sit on this stump and write." He paused to look over at me. I suppose he thought I'd say something about the history we have with this stump he comes to visit 'a lot lately' but I was too busy trying to keep my reactions hidden from him. No matter how much his statements surprised me.
He sat down beside me, cleared his throat, and continued.
"I came here tonight because I knew you'd be here. Although, now I'm not quite sure why. It seemed important at the time as all things once do, I suppose."
I sat completely still wondering about what to say and how to say it. I was on his territory and I felt uncomfortable by being so. Especially when this used to be mine. Actually, a lot of things used to be mine that are now his or someone else's. That realization both angered me and frightened me.
"Four fucking years and I have nothing to show for it." My voice was sharp and biting as I turned and look him directly in his hazel eyes. He rolled his eyes to let me know that he thought I was being dramatic again.
"Oh, im sorry. Did me saying that bother you? It seemed important at the time as all things once do, I suppose." I used his own words against him and I felt resentment rising up.
"We are not going to have this conversation again. You broke up with me a year ago. This is all your fault. So you say you got nothing out of this? That's your fault as well. You get what want out of things." He spoke with such pseudo-wisdom, I was almost impressed. Instead, I laughed.
"I broke up with you because you cheated on me! With her. The same her you brought in to my store today! And why? To what? Parade her around in front of me? To throw it in my face? So, yea Peter, maybe you're right. Maybe I did get something out of this, but it was absolutely nothing useful or positive and that's your fault." Somewhere in the midst of my rant it had began to rain and I now stood in front of him looking down because that's what I felt he deserved.
"How can you be so upset with me for cheating on you when it was you who helped me cheat on her?" He smirked as he rose to meet me. He apparently thought he belonged on a higher level.
I let his question sink in for far too long. I turned away as I thought about it. As hurtful as it was, he was absolutely right. I knew he had been dating this girl for a year, yet that didn't stop me from going back to him to continue what we started. At the time, I felt like he owed me something. I felt that what we had was unfinished. I felt like I was still in love with him. Him. Peter. Who was he anyway? In the past four years he had changed so much. His innocence was lost and I had no idea of who was standing before me anymore. In my mind, there were two Pete's. The Pete that I fell in love with so long ago and the Pete that he is now. The Pete that she fell in love with, I suppose. Sometimes, my Pete would show himself, even if for just a while, and that's what kept me holding to him and what we once had. But right now, in this moment, my Pete was simply a distant memory. That realization scared me because that meant it was time to let go and move on.
The rain hid my tears well as I contemplated telling him everything I had never said, but always felt. I wanted to tell him that since the very day I met him, no other boy had ever come close. I was terrified of the day that one would because I never wanted to replace Peter in that way. Not in the way that he had replaced me. I wanted to tell him that I replayed our memories in my mind more often that not because it kept me feeling close to him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I didn't think I would ever stop. I wanted to tell him how much he hurt me on a daily basis. I wanted to hear him apologize. Sincerely. I also wanted to tell him something that would hurt him as badly as he hurts me constantly. I wanted him to feel what it was like to lose something you may never get back and have it fuck your entire world up. There was so much I wanted to say, but it seemed so important to let it go and move on. One of those two seemed impossible at best. Maybe even both, but I had come so far in these four years, and even farther in the two months I had decided to let him go physically. Going backwards was no longer an option. Besides, I remember very well how it felt when I had been betrayed by someone I trusted and it wasn't fair for her to have to learn that lesson just yet. Pete and My's loss of innocence may have jaded and hardened us both for the worse, but she still had her's very well in tact. I'll be damned if I was the reason she lost that.
I shakily reached down to grab my bag. My vision was blurred due to the rain on my glasses and my tears combined, but I noticed Pete talking off his hoodie to undoubtedly give to me. I turned quickly and headed for my green Mazda before my Pete had a chance to show and redeem himself.
"What the hell are you doing?" He called out, running a hand through his jet black hair.
"Walking away." I replied quietly.
Four years and I had nothing to show for it except a lot of wasted time and a negative view on relationships of every kind.
I heard the familiar sound of rocks being manipulated by shoes and I just knew that those shoes were being occupied by his feet. Black vans halted in front of me and I knew looking up was unnecessary.
"You haven't been here in a while." his voice was scratchy from too many cigarettes. I always hated that he smoked.
"Maybe you just haven't seen me." I kicked at the rocks to have something stable to look at. Also to have an excuse to not look at him.
"I saw you today." He stated simply.
My head jerked up without giving any notice to the rest of my body. I never once thought that maybe he had seen me. I was too occupied with the fact that I had seen him. It felt like forever, but when he realized that was the only response he was going to get from me, he continued to fill the empty space with his voice.
"I come here a lot lately. It helps me think. Usually I sit on this stump and write." He paused to look over at me. I suppose he thought I'd say something about the history we have with this stump he comes to visit 'a lot lately' but I was too busy trying to keep my reactions hidden from him. No matter how much his statements surprised me.
He sat down beside me, cleared his throat, and continued.
"I came here tonight because I knew you'd be here. Although, now I'm not quite sure why. It seemed important at the time as all things once do, I suppose."
I sat completely still wondering about what to say and how to say it. I was on his territory and I felt uncomfortable by being so. Especially when this used to be mine. Actually, a lot of things used to be mine that are now his or someone else's. That realization both angered me and frightened me.
"Four fucking years and I have nothing to show for it." My voice was sharp and biting as I turned and look him directly in his hazel eyes. He rolled his eyes to let me know that he thought I was being dramatic again.
"Oh, im sorry. Did me saying that bother you? It seemed important at the time as all things once do, I suppose." I used his own words against him and I felt resentment rising up.
"We are not going to have this conversation again. You broke up with me a year ago. This is all your fault. So you say you got nothing out of this? That's your fault as well. You get what want out of things." He spoke with such pseudo-wisdom, I was almost impressed. Instead, I laughed.
"I broke up with you because you cheated on me! With her. The same her you brought in to my store today! And why? To what? Parade her around in front of me? To throw it in my face? So, yea Peter, maybe you're right. Maybe I did get something out of this, but it was absolutely nothing useful or positive and that's your fault." Somewhere in the midst of my rant it had began to rain and I now stood in front of him looking down because that's what I felt he deserved.
"How can you be so upset with me for cheating on you when it was you who helped me cheat on her?" He smirked as he rose to meet me. He apparently thought he belonged on a higher level.
I let his question sink in for far too long. I turned away as I thought about it. As hurtful as it was, he was absolutely right. I knew he had been dating this girl for a year, yet that didn't stop me from going back to him to continue what we started. At the time, I felt like he owed me something. I felt that what we had was unfinished. I felt like I was still in love with him. Him. Peter. Who was he anyway? In the past four years he had changed so much. His innocence was lost and I had no idea of who was standing before me anymore. In my mind, there were two Pete's. The Pete that I fell in love with so long ago and the Pete that he is now. The Pete that she fell in love with, I suppose. Sometimes, my Pete would show himself, even if for just a while, and that's what kept me holding to him and what we once had. But right now, in this moment, my Pete was simply a distant memory. That realization scared me because that meant it was time to let go and move on.
The rain hid my tears well as I contemplated telling him everything I had never said, but always felt. I wanted to tell him that since the very day I met him, no other boy had ever come close. I was terrified of the day that one would because I never wanted to replace Peter in that way. Not in the way that he had replaced me. I wanted to tell him that I replayed our memories in my mind more often that not because it kept me feeling close to him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I didn't think I would ever stop. I wanted to tell him how much he hurt me on a daily basis. I wanted to hear him apologize. Sincerely. I also wanted to tell him something that would hurt him as badly as he hurts me constantly. I wanted him to feel what it was like to lose something you may never get back and have it fuck your entire world up. There was so much I wanted to say, but it seemed so important to let it go and move on. One of those two seemed impossible at best. Maybe even both, but I had come so far in these four years, and even farther in the two months I had decided to let him go physically. Going backwards was no longer an option. Besides, I remember very well how it felt when I had been betrayed by someone I trusted and it wasn't fair for her to have to learn that lesson just yet. Pete and My's loss of innocence may have jaded and hardened us both for the worse, but she still had her's very well in tact. I'll be damned if I was the reason she lost that.
I shakily reached down to grab my bag. My vision was blurred due to the rain on my glasses and my tears combined, but I noticed Pete talking off his hoodie to undoubtedly give to me. I turned quickly and headed for my green Mazda before my Pete had a chance to show and redeem himself.
"What the hell are you doing?" He called out, running a hand through his jet black hair.
"Walking away." I replied quietly.
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