Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Left Out


by Arisa 2 reviews

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres: Romance - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2007-04-30 - Updated: 2007-05-01 - 2071 words

Ch.3 Decisions
Well, I'm thinking that people like this, and it's the only thing that I'm not having difficulty writing. So, I've decided to continue now.

When Jon woke up again it was dark. He looked over at the clock, which was flashing one in the morning. He quickly looked in the other direction when a hand pressed itself against his forehead. "Ryan..." He managed to croak out, his voice broken and quiet. Ryan gave him a light smile. "Do you feel okay? You aren't running a fever." Jon shrugged lightly. "Why are you still awake, Ry?" His throat was burning and it felt like it was torn up. Ryan laid himself down beside Jon before he answered. "We're really worried about you, so we've been taking turns staying up to watch you. Brendon said you got sick again, do you know why?"

I shrugged my shoulders again, but this time Ryan didn't buy it. He was looking directly into my eyes and placed his hand on the side of my face. "Jon, tell me what's going on. I'm going to be here, I'll help you." Jon shook his head. "What if you can't?" For a brief second he was scared. If he felt dizzy even now, what would happen later. Not only that, but the throwing up was coming more naturally now, what if he couldn't stop. "Then I'll do everything I can, and I'll find someone to help you." The second was over and Jon shook the thoughts away. "I don't need help. I'm just sick, thats it. I'll be fine." Ryan shook his head. "Jon, you aren't 'just sick.' Whatever's wrong is more serious, and we all know it. If you don't talk to us, we can't help you."

Jon didn't answer, so Ryan let out a breath through his teeth. "Do you want something to eat?" Jon shook his head. "Come on Jon, all you've had in the past twenty-four hours is a bottle of red bull and a soda." 'A soda, when did I...' Jon groaned mentally as he remembered. When he'd woken up, they'd given him a glass of what he thought was water. 'I knew it was too fizzy to be water. Soda stretches out your stomach though..." He thought to himself. Jon pictured himself in the mirror and grimaced, feeling bile rise in the back of his throat. (I just almost called Jon a her. -.- Can you tell I'm tired?) He shot up, almost knocking Ryan off of the bed. He pushed the door open to the bathroom and fell against the floor. His body dry heaved twice before finally throwing up the little bit of offending liquid.

Ryan moved so that he was standing in the doorway, watching Jon dry heave and then finally throw up. Jon remained on the floor, staring blankly at the wall behind the toilet. Ryan moved away from the doorway when Jon stood to move out and almost said something, but closed his mouth when Jon stopped. Jon didn't notice Ryan, and Ryan realized that. Jon was looking into the mirror as though it was offending him. He shook his head and moved back to the toilet, pushing his fingers down his throat. He dry heaved and moved to force his fingers down his throat a second time, but Ryan surged forward. "Jon, stop!" He grabbed Jon's arm and pulled him into his chest, but Jon pushed away. "Leave me alone, what're you doing!" Ryan kept Jon's arm in his grasp. "Jon, I'm trying to help you. You can't do this, it's wrong. It's dangerous." Ryan voice was softer, but Jon's eyes remained hard. "It isn't dangerous, it's healthy. Losing weight so that you're healthy is a good thing."

Ryan's mouth dropped slightly. "Jon, you ARE healthy. Doing this is making you too skinny, and it's making you sick." Jon shook his head. "I'm not too skinny, I'm much bigger than you, and your healthy. Besides, this isn't making me sick, they said it was exhaustion. I'll lose a few more pounds so I'm healthy and then I'll stop, okay." Ryan sighed and dropped his head before raising it again to meet Jon's eyes. "Jon, you can't keep doing this. You don't need to lose weight, you need to gain back the weight you've lost. Not only that, but this kind of thing kills people. You used to be healthy and confident. What happened to make you think you needed to lose weight." Jon didn't answer, he just looked down at the ground silently.

"I could die?" Jon's voice sounded weak and scared, all the fight had drained out of it. "Jon, you could if you don't stop. You were fine the way you were before. You used to be perfectly healthy. I don't know what gave you the idea that you needed to lose weight, but we'll talk about this later. You should go rest." Ryan held a hand out to Jon and helped him up. Jon leaned heavily on him as they headed back into the 'bedroom'. Jon's body was weak from the lack of nourishment, but the idea of death that was planted in his head made him feel weaker than any amount of malnourishment could. Ryan helped him into bed and laid down next to him. Jon curled into Ryan's chest and held tightly onto Ryan's waist. "You won't tell Bren and Spence, will you?" Jon voice was quiet and muffled from it's place in Ryan's chest.

"Jon, you have to tell them, they could help-" Jon cut him off quickly. "I do-" Ryan did the same. "Don't say you don't need help, because we both know thats a lie. You need to start eating again, and stop throwing up before this becomes an uncontrollable problem." Jon shook his head. "It won't become an uncontrollable problem, it's the only thing I do have control over." Jon replied insistently. "Maybe you do now Jon, but if you keep going you won't. You'll make yourself sicker and if you don't stop after too long you'll die. Spence and Bren will help, but we won't push you too hard. You have to tell them, because I can't be around constantly, even though I'd love to be." Jon didn't respond, he only buried his head further into Ryan's chest and clung more tightly.

"Do you want me to tell them, or would you rather I let you." Jon sighed against Ryan's chest. "I want you to tell them, but I want to be there... Can we just go to sleep now?" Ryan smiled and ran his hands through Jon's hair. "Yeah. Goodnight Jon." Jon mumbled a response before his breathing evened out and Ryan let his hands fall to Jon's side before he fell into a deep sleep. When Jon awoke, he was the first one up. He sat there, looking up blankly at the ceiling. He wasn't sure how long he had been lying there, but he soon felt someone else begin to move. Brendon sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Spencer made a small noise at the loss of body heat and sat up as well. Jon turned to Ryan and leaned in to kiss his forehead and wake him up. As soon as he moved in though, Ryan tilted his head up and caught Jon's lips with his own. Ryan opened his eyes as he pulled away, grinning.

Jon shook his head and put on a pout. Ryan smiled and gave him another kiss, wiping the pout off Jon's face. Brendon and Spencer were still half-asleep, looking around dazedly. Ryan's smile vanished and he looked at Jon seriously. Jon made a small whining sound and burried his head in Ryan's chest. Ryan carefully ran a hand up and down Jon's back, making him shiver slightly. "Shall I tell them now, babe?" Ryan asked quietly. Spencer opened his mouth to speak, but Brendon cut him off hastily, clinging tightly to his hand. "Tell us what? Is there something wrong with Jon? Is he okay? God, no he's not, stupid question, but he's not-" Ryan cut him off with a look and Spencer squeezed his hand. Jon whimpered again and Ryan forced him to look into his' eyes. "Jon, we have to tell them now. Remember, we did agree last night?" Jon nodded weakly, turning to the other.

Ryan sucked in a breath. "Before I start, I want you all to understand this. Do not interrupt before I'm done. You're going to want to, but let me finish completely." Spencer and Brendon nodded quickly, and Ryan got started immediately. "Jon's sick, obviously, but it isn't what you're all thinking, or even what I was thinking before, but the one thing I can definately guarantee that. You see, the reason Jon's been, lately, isn't just because of the fevers and stuff, in fact, I think this may have caused them.You've both commented on the fact that Jon hasn't been eating lately, but have you noticed anything else?" Ryan decided to let them figure it out, and Brendon spoke first. "The weight loss...anorexia?" Ryan sighed. "Sort of, but not exactly..." Spencer's eyes flashed with recognition. "The throwing up. Bullimia." Nothing more needed to be said as the four boys sat in silence.

"Why?" Was the only word that was spoken, the word coming out dry as it left Spencer's lips. Brendon sat in shock, leaning back heavily against Spencer. Ryan shrugged when Jon didn't answer. "I'm not really sure about that much, he wouldn't talk to me either." They all turned to look at Jon and Jon looked down silently. He only looked up a couple of minutes later when a weak hand tugged lightly on his loose pajama pants. Jon looked up to meet Brendon's hollow eyes. "Are you really making yourself sick?" The words came out in a whisper and Jon struggled to answer. "Kind isn't like that. This isn't...unhealthy. I'm doing it to be healthy, to be fit. To be beautiful." He whispered the last part, but the silence in the room made it easy enough to hear.

Brendon made a light whimpering noise and fell back against Spencer weakly. "Jon, this is unhealthy. You need to start eating, and quit throwing up." Spencer pointed out weakly. Jon looked to Ryan for help, but Ryan just nodded. Jon sighed and stood, walking away. "Jon!" Ryan yelled after him, standing up and following him. Jon collapsed weakly onto his bunk and Ryan quickly sat down next to him. Ryan was trying to think of what to say, but Jon beat him to it. "I can't do it Ryan. I can't change what I see in the mirror. What I see in myself. I can't force myself to start eating and just letting it...sit there in my stomach." Jon's voice was weak, and you could tell it was torn up from all the purging.

Ryan wasn't sure how to answer, so he sat there silently, hand resting on Jon's arm. "I'm not sure what to say Jon. I want to help, but you need to help yourself too. Maybe..." Ryan bit his lip. Jon looked up at Ryan questioningly. "Maybe you should go see a doctor, someone who would know about this." Jon shook his head. "No. I refuse to go to a fucking hospital. I don't need one." Ryan nodded, his hand still resting lightly on Jon's arm. "Then, will you promise to try. If not for yourself...then for us?" Jon looked down at himself and frowned a little. "I can try, but..." Jon stopped talking and turned toward the wall.

"Jon?" Ryan questioned, shifting so that his whole body was in the bunk. "I just want some sleep Ryan." Ryan nodded and crawled slowly out of the bunk, closing the curtain. Jon sat staring out at the darkness through the small window in the bottom of his bunk. 'I can try, but they just don't understand. As my friends they have to tell me I'm fine. Reality is that everyone knows I'll be better off with a few more pounds lost. They just don't understand.' Jon sighed, closing his eyes, but laying awake.

This is all, and I have three projects to work on, so please review. Also, someone said they read a fic like this, could you give me the title? Please and thanks.~
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