Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Loves Punishment (AUTHORS NOTE!!!)
Chapter 19
Arissa awoke to find Patrick asleep in the chair by her bed. She slinked out of the sheets and into the bathroom. Shutting the door behind her she sighed. Her body ached with restlessness and her eyes were heavy with sleeplessness. It had been two days since her 'incident' with the window ledge.
Patrick had insisted on her seeing a psychiatrist and Arissa had insisted it wasn't necessary. She could work through her problems alone. Or at least with his help. That small debate had ended with her in tears and him with his head in his hands. It had also led to him sleeping at her bedside every night.
Where there had once been an unfaltering friendship lived an uncomfortable dependency. He needed to be the one to pick up the pieces and Arissa just needed him to be her everything without being much of anything. Both sides were at a loss as to what they should be to the other. They were blinded by the needs losing someone causes.
Arissa looked at her self in the mirror. A frown overtook her pale face and she whimpered. Her once full rosy cheeks were sunken and transparent. Her pink, pouty lips were chapped and peeling. Looking over her usually toned and tanned frame she saw her ribs were now protruding. It was all due to her lack of nourishment and constant throwing up after her hysterics in Patrick's arms a few nights before.
She turned on the tap and leaned over taking water into her hands. She splashed it onto her face and then stood up straight, eyeing her own reflection. Her bright blue bra and panties clashed with the yellowish tint of her skin. Her hair was limp and oily and she needed a facial. All she could see were her multiple flaws. Leading a hand over her chest and down her stomach she took in a breath and began to cry.
Not two weeks before had she been the owner of what People magazine called, 'Sexiest body to grace the music scene in years.' The year before she had been one of the fifty most beautiful, number 2 to be exact. Hugh himself had been trying to negotiate a cover for his next issue of Playboy for his past ten next issues. Arissa's cries got louder the more she thought of her diminishing figure. She looked like trash.
Her gnawing self hate was interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. Patrick rasped her name into the wood and begged her to open up. Arissa just stared further and silenced herself. She wanted to commit her bodily failure to memory. She never wanted to forget what she looked like at that moment. She was at her weakest and most vulnerable. Without her goddess like body she was nothing. No one.
Without Pete... She was just some girl who had her name on a few CDs.
"Arissa Please!" Patrick knocked on the door more and Arissa continued to ignore it. "Open up!"
Peter had made her Arissa Ryan. Sure she had always been in the public eye, but Pete made her want to be more. Better. Pete pushed her to dream and not just be. Peter had completed her in every sense of the phrase. Without him she couldn't imagine ever singing or writing again. She wondered if it was normal to depend on someone that much. If she was right to miss the feeling of being completely and totally OUT of control while still being so IN control.
"Arisssa! I'm begging you!" Patrick pleaded. "Just let me in." Arissa sighed barely hearing him.
That mesh of emotions and thoughts she'd always been were somehow only revealed around him. Before Pete the only time she was herself was when she was singing or writing. She could never just be herself and never worried about being herself because no one really knew her except Emerald.
Pete had been such a big part of who she was she didn't know if she could be Arissa anymore. She didn't know if she wanted to...
Her existence the last couple years had revolved around him. Without the sun, what good would it be for the earth to spin?
"Arissa..." Patrick tried again knocking more. "At least let me know your okay!" She sniffled and looked around deciding to have a bath.
Arissa had only learned to be okay with being vulnerable and open because Pete showed her it was nothing to be ashamed of. That sometimes it was good to be weak or a little off balance. He'd taught her to be less controlling and more messy.
"Arissa I swear I'll break the door down." Patrick threatened.
Pete let her know there was no need to be perfect and made her feel she didn't have to be, but in all their time he had never condemned her for her obsessive tendencies. He'd told her the need to be perfect was an imperfection in itself and that it was the imperfections that made masterpieces.
Arissa was a work of art to Peter and he made sure she knew it.
"Patrick I'm fine." She let him know. "I'm going to take a bath."
"Open the door and let me look at you." He wanted to see it to believe it. He knocked some more.
"Trick! I'm fine!" She screeched. "I just need to be alone."
Patrick's knocking subsided and Arissa made her way to the bathtub to turn on the water. She just needed time alone. Time to analyze. Time to cry. Time to think. Time to be... Someone. Anyone. Arissa Ryan?
Maybe.
Arissa awoke to find Patrick asleep in the chair by her bed. She slinked out of the sheets and into the bathroom. Shutting the door behind her she sighed. Her body ached with restlessness and her eyes were heavy with sleeplessness. It had been two days since her 'incident' with the window ledge.
Patrick had insisted on her seeing a psychiatrist and Arissa had insisted it wasn't necessary. She could work through her problems alone. Or at least with his help. That small debate had ended with her in tears and him with his head in his hands. It had also led to him sleeping at her bedside every night.
Where there had once been an unfaltering friendship lived an uncomfortable dependency. He needed to be the one to pick up the pieces and Arissa just needed him to be her everything without being much of anything. Both sides were at a loss as to what they should be to the other. They were blinded by the needs losing someone causes.
Arissa looked at her self in the mirror. A frown overtook her pale face and she whimpered. Her once full rosy cheeks were sunken and transparent. Her pink, pouty lips were chapped and peeling. Looking over her usually toned and tanned frame she saw her ribs were now protruding. It was all due to her lack of nourishment and constant throwing up after her hysterics in Patrick's arms a few nights before.
She turned on the tap and leaned over taking water into her hands. She splashed it onto her face and then stood up straight, eyeing her own reflection. Her bright blue bra and panties clashed with the yellowish tint of her skin. Her hair was limp and oily and she needed a facial. All she could see were her multiple flaws. Leading a hand over her chest and down her stomach she took in a breath and began to cry.
Not two weeks before had she been the owner of what People magazine called, 'Sexiest body to grace the music scene in years.' The year before she had been one of the fifty most beautiful, number 2 to be exact. Hugh himself had been trying to negotiate a cover for his next issue of Playboy for his past ten next issues. Arissa's cries got louder the more she thought of her diminishing figure. She looked like trash.
Her gnawing self hate was interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. Patrick rasped her name into the wood and begged her to open up. Arissa just stared further and silenced herself. She wanted to commit her bodily failure to memory. She never wanted to forget what she looked like at that moment. She was at her weakest and most vulnerable. Without her goddess like body she was nothing. No one.
Without Pete... She was just some girl who had her name on a few CDs.
"Arissa Please!" Patrick knocked on the door more and Arissa continued to ignore it. "Open up!"
Peter had made her Arissa Ryan. Sure she had always been in the public eye, but Pete made her want to be more. Better. Pete pushed her to dream and not just be. Peter had completed her in every sense of the phrase. Without him she couldn't imagine ever singing or writing again. She wondered if it was normal to depend on someone that much. If she was right to miss the feeling of being completely and totally OUT of control while still being so IN control.
"Arisssa! I'm begging you!" Patrick pleaded. "Just let me in." Arissa sighed barely hearing him.
That mesh of emotions and thoughts she'd always been were somehow only revealed around him. Before Pete the only time she was herself was when she was singing or writing. She could never just be herself and never worried about being herself because no one really knew her except Emerald.
Pete had been such a big part of who she was she didn't know if she could be Arissa anymore. She didn't know if she wanted to...
Her existence the last couple years had revolved around him. Without the sun, what good would it be for the earth to spin?
"Arissa..." Patrick tried again knocking more. "At least let me know your okay!" She sniffled and looked around deciding to have a bath.
Arissa had only learned to be okay with being vulnerable and open because Pete showed her it was nothing to be ashamed of. That sometimes it was good to be weak or a little off balance. He'd taught her to be less controlling and more messy.
"Arissa I swear I'll break the door down." Patrick threatened.
Pete let her know there was no need to be perfect and made her feel she didn't have to be, but in all their time he had never condemned her for her obsessive tendencies. He'd told her the need to be perfect was an imperfection in itself and that it was the imperfections that made masterpieces.
Arissa was a work of art to Peter and he made sure she knew it.
"Patrick I'm fine." She let him know. "I'm going to take a bath."
"Open the door and let me look at you." He wanted to see it to believe it. He knocked some more.
"Trick! I'm fine!" She screeched. "I just need to be alone."
Patrick's knocking subsided and Arissa made her way to the bathtub to turn on the water. She just needed time alone. Time to analyze. Time to cry. Time to think. Time to be... Someone. Anyone. Arissa Ryan?
Maybe.
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