(#) JenCarpeDiem 2008-04-12First sentence says 'lave' instead of 'love'. Italics in the third (story, not lyrics) paragraph are messed up. Same paragraph has 'pearning' instead of 'learning'
The lyrics don't really add anything to the story - I ended up skipping them altogether. You've made the mistake of falling back on lyrics instead of trusting your ability to write a strong character piece - which this easily could've been if you hadn't been fitting Kyra's voice to the song. Sorry, but it didn't work. Your narrative is good - you need to focus a little bit more on checking for typos and not overusing commas, but all-in-all I'd say that you've got a lot of potential. With a small amount of cleaning up, this could be a really strong piece.
You clearly understand the character, and the story you're trying to tell is a good one. Seriously, I enjoyed it. To capture the character as well as you have is brilliant. Well done.
Sign up to review this story.