FicWad

Chapter 17

Cloak of Denial

The dinner was over. No one had raised the proposition again, it was up to Esteban to think over their offer. Esteban had left, saying that he still felt sleepy. Vyse, Aika and Fina remained at the tavern.

"Is he gonna do it?" Vyse asked, and he didn't mean the sleep.

Aika lent her head backwards and looked up at the roof, feeling some slight deja vú.

"Yes, and no," she said. "I think he would like to, but... There is something about him that makes him push away others. Whatever it is, it's totally devastating for him." She stood up from the chair. "I'll go and have a talk with him."

"Do you want us to go with you?" Fina asked.

"Thanks, but... this has to be done carefully. I know he might not listen to me, but I have to try."

With that said, Aika went out of the tavern, almost feeling like she was going into battle. She looked up at the part of the living-quarters that housed Esteban's room. Then she saw something out of the corner of her eye. Something up at the flag. She turned her head and saw there was something there alright. Or someone. It was all too easy to know it was Esteban.

Aika started to up walk the path that led to the flagpole. Esteban sat there, just left to the pole, his back leaning against the fence just next to the pool. His wrists lay on his pulled up knees. When he heard her, he turned his head slightly, but then continued to gaze forward. His eyes were empty.

"May I sit down?" she said.

He shrugged.

"It's your island," he said vacantly.

Aika sat down at his right side, but not too close to him. Not because she wanted to, but she figured he would move off at once if she got too close to him.

"Have you thought about the proposal?" she said, trying to make a start.

"Why?" was his answer.

"Why what?"

"Why did you go after me? You risked others' and your own lives for what?"

He had said it in such a strange tone, a mixture of confusion and, most of all, anger. Like they had committed a cruel deed in saving him.

"To save you of course. If we hadn't, you might be dead by now. Do you still think it was stupid of us?"

"From your view, yes. You could've got killed. For what?"

Esteban did not seem to have a high opinion of himself. Even if he had put his life in jeopardy for Fina, he did not seem to expect that anyone would raise a hand in his defence. He seemed to believe that compassion was something that was lost; that no one cared about anyone.

"Do you really think we could've left you with them? Then say it."

He closed his eyes for a moment.

"No, you wouldn't," he said finally. "But it was only because it was Black Pirates who did it, wasn't it?"

Aika felt like screaming! No matter what she said, Esteban always got back to the same spot! He didn't... he actually didn't want to face the fact that people seemed to like him.

"Wrong again. The reason we got help from Ixa'taka was because of the Black Pirates. But we would've done it on our own if we had to."

Esteban frowned, almost looked a bit sulky. As if he had heard an unwanted truth, which it actually was. Aika spoke again:

"Why would it be so strange of us to rescue you?"

"Isn't that obvious? It should be."

"As you can see; it isn't."

He glared at her in a way that showed very well that he thought Aika was the biggest idiot in all Arcadia.

"Because I'm different," he said. "Strange. Freaky. Abnormal. I'm not like others and that's why people... yes... hate me."

Hate? Now that seemed a bit too much. Well, Aika could understand what Esteban meant with being different and so on, but that didn't mean she didn't accept him. He was a good person, in his own way. But why did he think like that?

"I don't hate you," said Aika. "Have you always believed that?"

"No. But that doesn't excuse anything. By the way, I don't 'believe' anything. It's the truth."

He sounded so resolute, like it was something obvious.

"But why?" Aika asked plainly.

"It's a long story." He paused. "And I don't feel like telling it."

"Are you sure?" He had gone quite far already. Maybe, deep inside, he wanted someone to listen. "I promise you, I won't tell anyone."

Esteban looked at her in way that made her feel like an insect under a magnifying glass; searching and scrutinizing. She was close now, but did she have his confidence?

"If that's what it takes," he said, finally. "Just don't go tell anyone."

"I won't." She felt a bit nervous. As if she finally had found something she was looking for. Opening up the treasure chest, not being sure what's in it. "Well, the word is yours."

He turned away his gaze, looking away into the distance.

"I was born in the old Valuan capital, Lower City of course," he started. "Back then the capital was divided into two parts. The upper and..."

"I know," said Aika. "Me and Vyse was there during the war, and we saw both cities."

"Then you know it isn't... wasn't the best place to live. I lived with my parents. It wasn't the nicest place, but we tried to get on as best as we could - and we had each other. During these days, all people in our town had to work in the docks to build new ships. The children got some relatively easy tasks to do, but it was hard."

So Esteban was a Valuan. That seemed to explain why mentioning the old empire made him boil. Marco hadn't been much fond of Valua either. And also, his way with the yellow magic.

"My parents always talked about one day escaping from the city. They told me I must not let anyone else know; else we would be sent to the Colosseum. I didn't know of any other life than the one I had, but I liked to think about it."

His face looked like it was carved out of stone, but it could easily be seen that he seemed sad, no matter how casual he tried to sound.

"Then one morning, during my seventh year, my parents told me that we wouldn't go to work today. I wondered of course where we would go, but my mother just smiled and said" here he stopped. "that it would be a surprise. So we left our house and went to the merchant docks. They had apparently made a deal with a trader, and now we would escape." Aika saw that he clenched his teeth. "But someone must've told them. Aboard the ship waited two guards. We all knew the punishment of leaving the city without being a merchant; swift death. So we ran. The guards soon caught up with us, and they... they pulled them both down to the ground. My mother screamed 'Run'. So I ran, but then I stopped to look behind. Just in time to see the guards raise their swords and stab them."

Ever since Esteban said that the guards were waiting for them, Aika knew all too well what would have happened. But when he actually said it, she paled.

"...How horrible." was all she managed to say.

"I guess you can say that," he said with a lifeless voice. "I got caught myself, of course. But for some reason, I didn't get punished. Not with death anyway. I got harder work at the docks, and got placed in an orphanage. It was a quite good place. We got all we needed and didn't ask for more."

All they needed to survive, but nothing else. The way he said it showed that it was the start of a dark chapter in his life.

All you needed, Aika thought with sorrow. Except love, caring and comfort.

"The years passed. All the other children grew up knowing that hard work was all they ever would have. No one would ever be able to get out of Valua. But, deep within, I had decided that one day; I should leave that place. I didn't want to stay in that cold world. So one day, when it was announced that the fleet needed volunteers, I was one of the first to join. Of course they knew that I had tried to escape some years ago, so they didn't let me do much and I was always watched. But it all went according to plan. I played the role as the ultimate Valuan patriot." He said the last words with disgust. "It took some years, but they fell for it and let me join the spy department, since I had a talent for not being noticed. I would hang out in a measly armoured ship near the borders and report anything I saw."

"Your ship...?"

"Yes." Esteban nodded. "That's the one. And so one day, when I was out of sight, I arranged my own death, seemingly crashed in the Nasr desert, one day's march away from Maramba. If they bothered to file me, I'm probably reported as crashed and burned."

"Didn't anyone come looking for you?"

"We had been given poison pills, if that answer your question. With the supplies I had, I managed to get to the town. There I stocked up on things I would need to repair the ship. With the ship up and running, and me out of Valua, I started my life as a mercenary. And that's what going on ever since."

A whole life story shortened down to just some minutes. And what a life that had been. It must've been such a pain through life to witness his parents die in front of him. And to live in Lower City. He had once had his parents to rely on, but with them gone he was all alone. Where no one... gave a damn about him. Aika recognised that. She wanted to stretch out her arms and hold him, but knew all too well that it would be rejected, least said.

"I'm sorry to hear that," she said, lacking anything better to say. "How was it really?"

Esteban still had his eyes on the distant sky, the same eyes that had witnessed all that horror he had had to live through. He seemed so bitter.

"It was worst the first years, but then I realized that it all didn't have to happen. If my parents hadn't decided to escape, they would've lived. Now, instead, they left me alone. They abandoned me. For that, I hate them."

The calmness with which he said the last words made Aika shiver. Instead of letting his wounds heal, he turned his only love, the love for his parents, into hate!

"Did you ever try to make friends?" Aika asked, not very hopeful.

"What you can't feel can't hurt you. Friendship is overrated, and worthless."

So that's what he meant with different. Piece after piece was added, and one tragic puzzle was formed. Esteban resented friendship and other values. Values Aika held very dear. But the only reason he did all this was to protect himself. Throughout his life, he had learnt the hard way that love of all forms would bring you down. So it was useless to even start. It was better to get used to a life of loneliness. And to achieve that, positive emotions had to be eliminated, be declared useless. He didn't want to face his inner self. Instead he pushed it away, never dealt with it. It never got a chance to heal, and, as time went on, it grew bigger and bigger.

Did he want to keep this up? He had fallen into all this only because he had no alternative. No one had cared about him, until now. If Aika could help him, she would. It would have to be done prudently, on his conditions. If she criticised him too much, he would shield himself away from anything she said. It sounded just as easy as catching cannonballs with her teeth.

"Esteban, I know it's hard to face yourself, but it's necessary to heal. I'm not blaming you, I understand that you think the way you do, but you can't escape all your life."

That didn't fare well.

"Who's talking about escaping!" Esteban shot back quite angrily. He had a deep frown on his forehead. Had it been someone else, Aika might've called it a day and got out, but she was sure Esteban wouldn't hurt her.

"I think you're still grieving. You haven't talked this out, have you?"

"It's not necessary! I've left it all behind me, and I don't want to start to dig it up again!"

"Are you sure? Talking about it can mean a lot."

"With who? No one is interested in my life anyway."

"I care."

"Don't try to pretend you know me, 'cause you don't! And by the way, just what do you know about being abandoned!?"

"More than you think. I'm an orphan too, you know."

Those words seemed to hit. Esteban's face shifted from anger to a brief surprise. He looked at her, and slowly he saw that she wasn't lying. He seemed to relax just for a little bit.

"How old were you when... when it happened?" he asked, finally.

Aika thought back to her memories. They were old and still hurt but not that much. Just a still woe. She had learnt to accept it, and move on.

"I was just a kid then. Around five years old, almost like you. I remember it was a day when..."

"You don't have to talk it through," Esteban said, quickly.

He hadn't looked all too happy when he had told her his memories. Perhaps he wanted to spare her from it. At least he cared about others, but not himself. Esteban had got stuck in a vicious circle. Could she help him get out?

"Aika, why..." he searched for words, she let him take his time. "Why didn't you... become like me?"

Aika was quite astonished at the question. He did see that he walked an impossible path, perhaps. Maybe he really wanted to get out, or whatever. There was a chance.

"Most because of Vyse and his family. His parents took me in and let me live with them. They looked after me and took care of me, like one of their own. Vyse and me were already friends even before it happened. During all that, he was a big help for me. Always there, and willing to listen. I could always rely on him," She smiled. "As I can now. Eventually, I grew old enough to move back into my parents' old house, but it didn't feel bad. I had learnt to go on."

Esteban seemed to ponder this. Now he knew that Aika didn't just ramble words. She actually knew what she was talking about, and she did know how it felt. And she did want to help him.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said, finally.

It was said a bit late, but he meant well.

"Thanks," Aika said and let her hand softly touch his shoulder. He remained still. "You've had a bad start in life, but it is possible to leave it behind. If you want, you can stay with us. We know you are a good person, and it would be great to have you with us."

"Haven't you been listening? It's not possible," he said, like he was establishing a fact. "Can't you see?"

"No, why not?"

"I mean, look at yourself! You are all Blue Rogues. Mr and Mrs Righteous, savers of the day. Me, I'm a mercenary who does anything, no matter what, if I get paid. I don't belong with you, or with anyone."

So that's how he saw it, or was he just trying to talk it away? Did he believe in it himself? OK, time to bring out a fleet of arguments that would crush Esteban's inner walls and false beliefs about himself. It wouldn't be easy, but she had to do it. A battle of wills.

"Yep, a mercenary" she said. "who doesn't do murders, am I right?"

"Shut up."

"Am I right?"

Esteban looked away, didn't want to face her.

"And what's so wrong with that!?" he said, edgy.

"Nothing. Nothing at all, that only means that, no matter how life has treated you, you still care about others and have your compassion left."

"I may have my principles," he said, angrily. "But not compassion!"

"If not, then why did you save Fina?"

That made Esteban totally stuck for an answer. Aika waited for his answer, patiently.

"I missed," he said finally. "I aimed at the one who held me, but I hit Fina's instead."

"So, you can hit a ship at a distance of gazillion meters, but missed a target at almost point-blank?"

"That's how it is!" he almost growled. "What, did you want her to be captured!?"

Aika shook her head, inside she built up a plan.

"No. We are all very glad you saved Fina. She couldn't have put up with... what happened to you." She paused. "Why did they do it?"

Esteban closed his eyes, thinking over what he should tell her.

"They thought I was a Blue Rogue and, believe it or not, they tried to recruit me. And when I refused, you know the rest."

"Really?" said Aika.

"Yes," Esteban nodded. "It seems weird, but that's what really happened."

"The thing is" said Aika. "that we were all present at the interrogation," A shade of fear overcame Esteban's face. "Giovanni, their leader, gave a full description on what he had done. And why. He said he had tried to make you tell him the location of our base, but that you had refused."

"That's because I don't know!" Esteban shot back. He looked around. "And I still don't."

"Which reminds me," Aika said and opened up her waist bag. She picked up a certain device, which she held out. "Do you want this back?"

The sight of the compass-bracelet made Esteban almost panic. He jolted backwards and hit his head on the flagpole. In other circumstances, it would've looked comical.

"That is... it's not mine."

"Well, I found it in your bag while you were sleeping. I had already seen that when we travelled from Valua that you looked at your wrists quite often, but I wasn't totally sure until I found it."

Esteban glared her directly in the eyes, and he smiled. But no. It was a twisted smile. Cruel, sadistically, grim. Just like the Black Pirate.

"But what you don't know" said Esteban. "is that I actually told him, in the end. If you hadn't been so quick, he might've got away, waited for you here, and then:" He put the side of his hand just in front of his neck and pretended he cut it off. "Nice, huh?"

Aika sighed. Esteban was really trying. Hadn't she been sure on her point, she might've given up. He would struggle to the last.

"Yes. But you would've had a darn good excuse for it. Sure we want to keep Crescent Isle a secret, but not if someone has to die for it." He seemed a bit surly that Aika hadn't decided to get angry. "You held out long enough, it was very brave of you."

"Stop it!" he almost screamed, "What are you trying to prove anyway?"

"What you already know," she said in a steady voice, "No matter what you want people to believe about you, you are still compassionate and caring. Other people in your situation might just say: 'The heck with it all!' but not you."

"That's it," he said, his tone showed that he was on the decline, "Tomorrow, after we've split up the treasure, I'll leave, and I'll never come back. It'll... feel good not seeing you again. What would you do about that?"

"I would..." Aika started quickly, then she changed her mind. "I would do nothing," she said calmly.

Esteban's anger melted away, leaving only confusion and betrayal.

"What... I knew it. I knew you were just lying..."

"Only you can decide what's best for you. Sure, it would be wonderful if you wanted to stay, but if you want to leave I can't stop you. You have to make the decision. You have that right, and responsibility. But if you change your mind, you would always be welcome back. 'Cause you know where we are, right?" Aika smiled briefly.

"Even if I know the location of your base?"

"Oh, come on, you had your chance to give us away, but you didn't. You aren't that sort of person, are you?"

"If I promise to think this over, will you leave?"

Maybe it was his way of saying "Drop dead!", or maybe he meant what he said.

"Do what you feel is right," she said.

Aika walked down from the lookout, a wide spectrum of emotions boiling within her, practically all of them were negative. She had felt sure all along that something had happened to him, that he wasn't like that deep down. But this was worse than she had thought. Esteban had put up his rules to protect himself, but gradually he had started to really believe in what he told himself. Maybe it was necessary to make him face his inner demons, but it had not been fun. Not at all.

She rounded the living-quarters and headed up the stairs. And then stopped. There, just next to the gap between Aika's and Enrique's old room stood Vyse and Fina. Wordlessly, Aika waved for them to come in to her room. When she had closed the door she said:

"How long have you stood there?"

"Long enough," Vyse said, a bit gloomily. "It must've been terrible for him."

Fina nodded. Aika looked a bit closer. It seemed that her eyes were a bit swollen.

"Being all alone is the worst thing there is," said Fina. "I can only imagine how he feels within."

Could it have been different? If Esteban had had someone with him, would he have been able to leave it behind himself? Maybe, maybe not. Aika quickly looked out of the window and saw Esteban still sitting where he was. He seemed so alone. All by himself against one harsh world. Would he ever be able to turn from his sadness? Or would he continue to reject compassion?

"That was not fun," she said, finally. "I know it's necessary to face your inner self to get rid of your pain, but I feel so guilty. He hasn't done this before. Maybe it'll drive him over the edge."

"It won't," Vyse said, reassuringly. "He has carried this all by himself for so long, and he's got to tell it to someone who cares about him. You did a great job back there."

Although her eyes were sad, Aika managed to produce a small smile.

"I hope so. I've done all I can do. It would be nice if he joined us, but most of all, I want him to be happy."

"Even if it means he'll leave us," Fina finished. "I agree. He deserves to be happy."

With that said, the friends went to their rooms to get some sleep.

xXx

I sat up by flagpole, hating everyone and everything in the world. Why had I told her of my past? So what if it felt right, it was wrong! She couldn't help me! She couldn't even begin to understand how it had been! OK, she had also been in my situation. But she had had someone to turn to! I was al alone! But wasn't that what I had tried to do? Loneliness was all that mattered, why would I all out of sudden long for other people?

That was before!

Yes. When I had actually loved those two who called themselves my parents. Still did, maybe. But that was only a dream. The name "Estie" made me sick. But if they hadn't died, would I have been different?

Stop it!

All that mattered was that now I was seeing the true colours of the world. Even if other people were tricked, this was the truth. Friends would turn their backs to me, those I cared for would leave. There was nothing fair or pure in this world. It was the truth, but why did it feel bad now? Because I had longed for something that didn't exist? But it didn't exist for me, anyway. It was a closed and unstarted chapter for me, and that's how it should be, forever and ever. No matter what Aika thought.

That was the whole reason I pushed others away. They made me look like a failure, a waste. They would break down my walls, tearing my world apart, not quitting until I lay beneath their feet, crushed to pieces in a heap of blood and tears. Never being able to get up again. I had had to renounce so much to get to where I was today. But at what cost?

It is the truth! It is the truth!

Yes. It all had been so much easier when I had decided to declare these emotions history. Was it really my fault that I had to do this to myself? I was not happy, but at peace, and that was enough. I was normal, the rest were strange. And through my work, I knew there were no good people in this world. Was that one of the reasons I had wanted to escape from Valua? From one miserable place to another.

But was it right to think this way? The three friends were so close to each other, and they managed fine. No, I didn't want to think about it! I wanted to be indifferent, cold, emotionless, all that. And to hell with it!

But things hadn't always been like this. I had been different. My first years in Valua had actually been relatively good. A time when I could show emotions. Smile, laugh and be happy. Had I killed that child that once was me? Letting him grow up to become... me.

LET HIM DIE FOR ALL I CARE!!

In the next moment, I became aware of what I had thought. Of course it was only a figure speech, but that I sat here and... wished death over an innocent... I had indeed changed quite a lot over the years. As a child, I had been quite lively and happy, for living in Lower City. All the talk of Valua made my old dark memories come back to me, memories I didn't want to think about it. All the hard work and poverty. I couldn't shove it back anymore; my parents had loved me. They had wanted me to get out of Valua. They had wanted me to grow up in a better place than Valua. They had wanted me to be... what? Not what I was now.

I looked at the dark horizon. For the first time, it made me scared. All alone in one harsh and cold world. I had wanted it to be that; but now I realized the full definition of it. Was this what my whole life would be like? I got my wish, but at what cost? I was about to become what I hated. I didn't want it to be like this! I had been forced to make my choice!

I clenched my teeth, making sure no sound was heard when the first tear fell down my cheek, followed by several more.

Esteban: a complete failure.