Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Why Can't You See How Much I Love You?

I'm Broken When I'm Lonesome; I Don't Feel Right

by Geets 5 reviews

Drama... lots of drama...

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres: Drama, Humor, Romance - Published: 2007-05-20 - Updated: 2007-05-20 - 4290 words

"Vicky?" some distant voice called to me. Slowly, I returned from my dream world of sleep and fluttered open my eyes, shielding them from the light leaking through my curtains. I realised that the voice belonged to my mom, and she was perched on the side of my bed.

"Vicky? Good, you're up," she said. I was so confused, still half asleep and my mom was talking to me. Great plan. I'm not particularly horrible when I wake up, but I'm just very disorientated.

"Uhuh... hello," I said groggily.

"Morning. I just wanted to tell you that the other two have left, and I'm going to work now, but I'll be back in about an hour because the plumber is coming to fix a small problem we have with the boiler. Ok?"

Only absorbing half of what she just said so speedily, I nodded along, just about registering that she would be coming back soon. "Yeah, ok."

"Alright then, I'm off now. See you in a bit." And she left my room as quickly as she woke me up.

I groaned before rolling over and burying my head in my pillow. After so many mornings of waking up next to Brendon, wearing a little less than my pyjamas, it felt weird to have no-one there. No gorgeous face to make me smile when I woke up.

However, simply the thought of that gorgeous guy just downstairs made me smile insanely. As I realised that I was no longer tired, I glanced over at my clock: it read 8:43am. The front door slammed shut, meaning that there was no-one else home other than Brendon and me. That got me up. I jumped out of bed to freshen up a bit in my bathroom (brushing my teeth and hair and washing my face) then I walked downstairs until I reached his room.

Gently but loudly, I knocked on his door. I twisted the handle and poked my head around the white-painted wood to see a slowly awakening Brendon Urie, making me smile as always.

"Hey," I said, strolling over to his bed.

"Morning... God, it's weird not waking up next to you," he said, sitting up in his bed.

"Oh, I know! It's really strange. My mom came to wake me up..." I rolled my eyes. "But then I realised that I was in bed, alone, when I could be with you."

Brendon smiled at me dreamily. "In that case, I'm glad you woke me up..." He paused for a moment before asking too sincerely, "Are you going to kiss me then or what?"

I giggled before giving in and kissing him. Winding my arms around Brendon's neck, I pressed my body closer to him as he pulled me towards him. Smoothly, he poked his tongue out of his mouth and slid it across my soft lips, so I opened my mouth widely, allowing him to invade me. We made out for a while, enjoying the intimacy we shared, undisturbed by anyone else.

Gently, I pulled away from him briefly to speak, and catch my breath. "Brendon? My mom's going to be back in a little while actually. That's why she woke me up: to tell me."

"Alright then. Why's she coming back?"

"Some plumber is coming to fix something... I don't know, I wasn't paying much attention. I was still half asleep at the time," I mumbled, laughing all the same.

"Ok. Shall we get some breakfast then?"

"Sounds good. Should I meet you downstairs?"

"Yeah sure, I'll just change and stuff first." Instead of saying anything, I kissed him sweetly and left the room.


After making some English pancakes for us (the really thin pancakes traditionally eaten with lemon and sugar and they're rolled up), which were extremely tasty, we were lounging about the living room as sunlight filtered through the large windows behind us. I snuggled into Brendon's chest on the sofa. Wrapping one arm around my body, Brendon used his other free hand to flick through the limitless amount of channels we had. We hadn't decided what to do today just yet, but mutually, we agreed to stay in this position together for a while. That is the great thing about Brendon: we don't always have to do something together to enjoy ourselves, and he always understands me, regardless of whether I even said anything at all!

Finally, since he couldn't find anything to watch, he decided on Kerrang! TV, which was currently playing "We Sleep Forever" by Aiden.

"This song is so awesome!" My voice broke the silence; all the while, I bopped my head along to the beat.

"I know, right!" Brendon replied in a scarily camp fashion. "You look so cute when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Bang or bounce your head like that. You look adorable," Brendon sweetly remarked, a certain dreamy aura in those huge, deep, inviting chocolates set into his perfectly crafted face. Just my thoughts made me smile.

Adjusting my position slightly, I said, "I'm so glad that you're here right now. I've had so much fun."

"I know, babe, I've really enjoyed this past week, or whatever. I love spending time with you." No matter how sincerely he said it, he only realised what he had said after the words had escaped his lips. His face changed completely to something serious as he tried to save himself from digging a hole. "I, erm, I didn't mean... what I meant was..." Sadly, that is what he managed to do.

"I love you," I interjected for him to save his rosy cheeks from glowing any brighter.

"That too," he laughed at himself. He kissed me passionately, breaking off shortly after. We resumed our original position on the sofa: hugging eachother and watching a monkey dance across the TV with a guitar in hand (I'm guessing you can figure out what song I mean here? :P)

"So what's on the agenda for today? Feel like doing anything?" I asked.

"Hmm... We still didn't finish that game of DDR, did we?"

"True. Are you challenging me?"

"I think I am," he said surreptitiously.

"I'll beat you though, you know that," I stated pompously.

"You think so? We'll just have to wait and see... We could always watch a movie or something too."

"Oh yeah, we never did that either!" I laughed briefly, Brendon laughing along too. "Should I go and get the DDR mat then?" I patted Brendon's knee, signalling for him to let me go from his embrace.

"Ok," he replied simply.

I headed upstairs, but on my way, I noticed the DVD's stacked up in our spare room and one caught my eye. Smiling, I picked it up and flashed it in Brendon's face once I rushed downstairs again. "THE OC!" I practically screamed, getting extremely excited, clutching season 1 in my hand.

"Oh my god, you have The OC? That's my favourite TV show, or was..."

"Mine too!" Yes, what a coincidence... "I have all of them except for season 4."

"That season was crappy anyways."

"Thankyou!" I threw my hands up for emphasis here. "Exactly my point. The 1st season was the best, by far."

"Totally right, babe. It's slowly gone downhill since."

At that moment, I heard a key twisting in the front door before it crashed open, seeming to make a lot of noise. "Hello," my mom called while struggling to close the door with her bags in her hands. She managed, eventually.

"Hi mom," I greeted her. I walked into the hallway.

"Nice to see you're awake now. Morning Brendon," she added, seeing Brendon appear from the living room. He returned her gesture.

"What are you pair doing today then?" she asked us.

"We were gonna watch The OC for a bit. If that plumber is coming, I think we'll go upstairs, ok?"

"Yeah, sure." My mom turned away and walked back to the kitchen. Grabbing Brendon's arm, I dragged him up the stairs to my room, shutting the door and turning on my portable TV. It was also a DVD player.

"Should I just start it from the beginning or what?" I asked, wondering which disk to play.

"Yeah, I guess it makes more sense," he agreed. Yet again, we were lying on my bad closely after I had hit play. "The theme tune is brilliant too - Phantom Planet."

"You have to love this song, don't you?" I asked, more rhetorically than anything. Brendon, sensing that, nodded.

About half an hour into the 1st episode, just as Ryan and Seth were going to get their asses kicked by the Water-polo team, my phone began to ring. Perched on my desk, a few metres away, it was just too far to reach. As Time to Dance got louder, I weakly reached out for my phone, obviously fooling around impersonating Seth Cohen. I exerted a short giggle from Brendon, and then I wriggled off the bed to answer it. Brendon paused the episode.

"Hello," I said welcomingly: the Caller ID has read Ben.

"Hey..." he responded. Ben sounded extremely sad and depressed, as if he had been crying since he was sniffling quietly. Either that or he has an incredibly bad flu. It changed my mood instantly.

"Wow, what's up? Are you ok?" I softened my tone dramatically, concern plastered on my face.

"No actually... Erm... I wanted to call you..." Ben muttered. Pressing the phone to my ear to hear him better, Brendon asked who it was and I mouthed a response.

"You can tell me, what is it?"

"Well, it's my parents... My - my dad got a bit drunk and... he stayed out all night getting more drunk..." he paused to sniffle loudly. Slowly, he continued. "When he got back this morning, my parents... they were arguing a lot... He hit her... then he - he hit me..."

"Oh my god..." Closing my eyes, I empathised with Ben. "Wh- I, erm... Are you hurt?"

"A little... Look, is there any way you could meet me? I want to get out of here..."

How could I meet him? He is one of my closest friends, but I'm here with Brendon! I'm not going through that again... But he needs my help... I looked over at Brendon swiftly before biting my lip and saying, "I'll see what I can do."

I snapped my phone shut and came back to join Brendon on the bed; he was lying on his side with his head leaning on his hand. "What did he want?" Brendon asked, rolling his eyes very discretely.

"Erm, he's had some problems with his parents. Well, a drunken father hitting him and his mom."

"God, is he ok? I've had enough experience with this kind of thing," Brendon tried to laugh. "Sorry, bad joke."

"It's ok. Would it be alright if I go and see him then?" I finally asked, realising that Brendon was always understanding; he wouldn't mind, would he?

"What?" he fired up instantly. Oh... a little angry then...

"He just wants someone to talk to..." I explained calmly.

"And he phoned you for that? Couldn't phone anyone else, could he?"

"Ben probably didn't feel like he could talk to anyone else. Are you still jealous of him? I thought we sorted this out!" A mixture of emotions was winding me up: confusion, anger and love, I realised.

"I wouldn't have a problem if my girlfriend didn't go running to Ben as soon as he clicks his fucking fingers!"

"Why can't you see how much I love you?! Because I do!" I insisted.

"It's not about love."

"No, it's about trust; you don't trust me," I stated coldly, not really giving him the chance to defend himself.

"Of course I trust you! I love you!" his tone softened slightly as he said this from his angry, venomous streak.

"Love isn't everything! Just because you love me, doesn't mean you trust me!"

"Just go and see him," he huffed, turning his back on me immaturely.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean, you go and see Ben. I'll stay here."

"I'm not leaving you. And I'm not leaving my own house!" I stood my ground, or tried to.

He turned back sharply; "Go! Just go!" Brendon's voice boomed loudly through the silence, so loudly it scared me. The look on his face was nothing like I had ever seen before; the lust and twinkle in his eyes had gone; no smile played around his plump lips.

Instead of fighting any longer (I hated fighting), I roughly grabbed my purse and left the room as quickly as I could. A single tear finally trickled down my cheek as I slipped out the front door, avoiding any possible interrogation from my mother.

Cold wind thrust at my face immediately as I walked up my street. Some of my hair flew randomly in the air. I began to think about my next move: where was I actually heading? I certainly wasn't going to see Ben now; I would simply have to apologize to him and talk to him later. I'll just give Brendon some time... Maybe he'll talk to me later?...

Reaching the end of my road within minutes after leaving a message on Ben's phone, I decided to drop into the small grocery shop on the corner to get a few things I needed. Thoughts kept flooding through my mind as I picked up various items and carried them in a basket: What was I going to say to Brendon?

Many confused debates in my head later, I decided to just apologize and stress that I never even went to see Ben when I spoke to Brendon. Then, I supposed that I would see how it went from there... I only hoped it went well.

Subconsciously, I paid for my groceries and my legs began to walk me back home. I passed countless, identical, semi-detached houses on my way, seeing larger houses as I progressed, but they were all a blur: merely another misty maze in my already clouded, unfocused mind. Where was my shoulder to cry on when I needed help?! Finally seeing things more clearly now, I realised that I had acted far too close to Ben; Brendon had every right to be upset with me. Well, maybe that's a bit of an understatement... The corners of my mouth twitched upwards at my last thought...

But they fell back down almost instantly and I stopped dead in my tracks. I almost dropped my grocery bags at what I saw: a taxi pulling out of my driveway. There was no need to peer 'subtly' into the window to see who was inside; it was all too horribly obvious who it was.

Sprinting at my front door, I screamed internally and let out a moan in sheer frustration as I fought with a stupid door and its keyhole. A lifetime of cursing inwardly later, the door was flung open, my purse and bag dropped carelessly to the floor and I was racing up the stairs frantically. Stumbling, I continued to climb the cream-carpeted obstacles. I slammed into a door (it thankfully obliged willingly to my harsh action) only to find the room behind it empty, no clothes scattered around the floor. Now I was getting desperate. He couldn't have gone...

The door had already slammed shut so I wrestled it open. I may as well have jumped down a floor and screamed "Tallyho!" at the speed I was running at. Panicking intensely, my mom came out of the kitchen, presumably because she heard what must have been a very loud racket.

Not bothering to wait for questions, I blurted out quickly, "Mom, where's Brendon?" My breathing was rapid and shallow; I was shaking slightly.

"Well, what do you mean? He's gone," she replied innocently.

"Gone? What do you mean, gone? Gone to the store, gone to the hairdressers, gone where?!" I exclaimed. Bulging eyes popping out of my head were even beginning to scare me.

"To Vegas."


"Yeah. He told me he had an urgent phone call so he had to leave, and you were getting him some last minute things he needed. He said he was going to meet you and say goodbye on the way..." my mom concluded, obviously realising that what she had been told was not true. How could I let him slip away?! He can't be gone, he just can't!

Gulping hard and painfully, my mom's words stopped washing over my head and they hit me like an asteroid colliding with another planet. Twisting my fists into my hair, I yanked at it out of annoyance in myself. Then I swiped my phone out of my jacket pocket and dialled a number. I walked away from my mother and wandered into my study room.

Nobody answered it, as I guessed, so I left a message after the beep. "Hey, Brendon. Look, I'm so sorry about what happened. Just, please, don't go... We can sort this out..." I paused, trying to think of what to say. "And just so you know, I didn't go to see Ben... Please call me..." At that point, I hung up and sighed heavily. Now what? Then I thought of something. I dialled another number which I had been given 3 days before.

It rang a few times before anyone answered the phone, and I was met with a rough male's voice. "Hello?"

"Ryan! It's Vicky," I said breathlessly.

"Oh hey... Is something wrong?" Ryan sounded disorientated; there was no doubting that I had just woken him up.

"I'm sorry to wake you Ryan..."

"It's ok, don't worry about it," he slipped in quickly.

"It's just... Brendon. We got in a fight and now he's gone... had he phoned you or Spencer or Jon?"

"No...You got in a fight? What about?"

"Something too stupid. Can you let me know if he calls or anything?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. No problem... so he's just left you?"

"Well, he left without me knowing and now he's heading to Vegas I think." I explained to him.

"Oh ok... Are you alright?"

At first, I didn't respond: I was not ok. But this was Ryan, and he had always been nice to me, and he was a guy after all. "I've been better."

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Brendon does get a bit over the top at stuff, I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Thanks. See you soon."

"Yeah, bye."

We both hung up and once I put my phone back in my pocket, I walked back into the hallway to meet my mother again.

"Vicky, what's going on?" As much as she was trying to be sympathetic, there was a very stern hint in her voice.

"Sorry... we got in a fight and... he went back to Vegas I guess."

"Oh... I'm sorry."

An idea sprung to my mind: what if I went after him?! I need to see him and sort this out... "Mom, can I go after him? Please?"

"Vicky, you are not going after some... guy. You are not going to Las Vegas alone like that!"

"But mom, I love him!" I emphasised, shouting. But once I had said it, I really regretted it.

"I'm sorry, what? You love him?" I didn't reply. Going with her initiative here, she laughed sarcastically. "So, you think you're in love with a boy you've known for only just over a week? Next thing you're gonna say is that you've slept together!"

Fuck... What a thing to be sarcastic about! I hung my head and avoided her gaze at all costs. "Oh my god," my mom said, shocked. "Go up to your room, now! And give me your phone and iPod!" I wasn't having the best luck with angry people today, was I?

Almost in tears now, because I had not only lost Brendon but my mom was annoyed with me, I handed over what she wanted and traipsed up to my room, dragging my feet. Allowing the door to slam shut simply because I couldn't be bothered to hold it and gently close it, I flopped onto my bed. I thought things over for a while, frustrated that I couldn't talk to anyone or even just listen to my fucking iPod! Being trapped inside your head is not fun.

Thankfully, I still had my huge, old stereo in my room so I played my Evanescence CD - /The Open Door/; my CD collection was limited compared with the selection I had on my 8GB iPod Nano. It successfully depressed me more, so in a strange way, I was happy.


Here's how I spent my day after that: I listened to Evanescence, followed by Panic! at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, 30 Seconds to Mars, Lostprophets and Within Temptation. In other words, my good rock albums. My mom knocked curtly on my door once to signal that she had brought up some food at about 1 o' clock. At some point of the day, I heard my parents return from work.

What's the most fun a girl can have without her phone, iPod, boyfriend, or any friend when she's in her room? Tidy up of course! Oh, such fun...

By 10 o' clock I was so bored and depressed that I just went to sleep. Tossing and turning, my mind had nothing to distract it from the vicious thoughts that coursed through it: imagining what Brendon was doing at that moment, wondering if he would ever speak to me again, wondering if he even got my voice mail or he just doesn't want to reply. But of course, even if he did phone, I wouldn't know, and I doubt that my mom would tell me.

I carried on thinking, my brain working on overdrive, until I eventually got to sleep. I slept restlessly, a complete contrast to my usual deep sleeps. Normally, I slept like a log; nothing could wake me up.


Something was shaking my arm. Or someone, I suppose. They were shaking my arm quite violently, so I reluctantly opened my eyes, despite the fact that my dreams were terrifying me. Through my bleary eyes, I made out the form of my mother. Great, what now?

"Vicky, wake up," she said softly to me.

"Urgh...," I moaned. "What's going on?"

"Vicky..." she said, before thrusting my phone in my face, not uttering another word.

I took it, puzzled, and said questioningly, "Hello?"

"Oh my god, Vicky, I'm so sorry to call you," Ryan said frantically, speaking far too quickly.

"Wow, Ryan, slow down. I just woke up. Is something wrong?" I rubbed my eye as I awaited his response.

"No, no, it isn't. It's Brendon. He... he got back from the UK and he..."

"Ryan, what is it?" His shaky voice was starting to scare me, and as soon as he mentioned Brendon, I was much more alert.

"He was in a car accident... seriously injured his head and chest... going to hospital..."

"Oh... my god..." I whispered, not even trying to resist from crying. "Is... is he gonna be ok?" Fear was prominent in the way I choked out those words.

"We don't know... The paramedics are taking him there now. I just wanted to let you know," Ryan said.

"Thankyou..." I looked over at my mom, and from earlier that day, her expression was so different: scared and genuinely sympathetic. I wanted to be there, in Vegas, and somehow, I knew my mom was giving me that permission from the way she looked at me. "I want to come and see him... I need to be there." After saying these, I stared intently at my mother and she nodded approvingly. Despite the fact that the worst possible scenario occurred, I still felt positive... because I had my mom with me.

"Really? I was hoping you'd say that... we're going crazy here..."

"So am I..." I cried quietly. "I'm gonna get the first plane out possible and... I'll meet you there."

"Let me know when it's supposed to arrive, 'cause one of us will come and pick you up from the airport. I would offer our plane but Brendon used it."

"Don't worry about that. Thankyou. I will. I need to go now, so... I'll see you soon," I said hurriedly.

"Yeah, phone me when you know the times of the flight. Bye," Ryan concluded, and hung up.

I sat on my bed for a few moments to let the news fully sink in. Brendon had been in a car crash, because of me. What if he died?!...


Omg, guys, omg.

I say this way too much, but I'm SOOO sorry for the non-updating. I feel horrible for it. I love you all who have waited for this and who will review; I give you full permission to hit me and hunt me down, lol. I give you all chocolates, cherry bakewell tarts (I love them :P), cakes, ice creams, crisps (or chips), all of that sort of goodness. I'm bribing you to forgive me :D Is it working? Also, longest chapter!!!!

Just for the freaky fans out there, there were many references to The OC in this chapter, hehe, and one to the film Matilda :D

Oh, and just if you didn't know because I didn't really make it clear, here's a list of songs which the titles have come from in this story:

Chapter 1 - Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
Chapter 2 - Fall Out Boy - Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year
Chapter 3 - Within Temptation - What Have You Done
Chapter 4 - Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
Chapter 5 - Madina Lake - House of Cards
Chapter 6 - Seether (ft. Amy Lee) - Broken

To those of you who got those, and who like the songs/bands I mentions, you have good music taste :D
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