Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > My Heart Can't Take This Hurt
Notes= LAST CHAPTER, thanks guys for all the comments & for reading =)
Sophia came over and no words needed to be said yet, I just collapsed into her embrace.
I felt better seeing her, she seemed to make everything better.
"What happened?" her voice seemed so far away but in real life she was right beside me. It was just like my life was passing me before my eyes and I couldn't do nothing about it. Anything I said or did didn't matter. This could only get worse. So why bother?
"I just don't want to think about it or talk about it. I just want to forget." I said suddenly becoming frustrated. I just hated sitting there and doing nothing but think about it. I had to do something.
Brendon called Spencer and Jon and decided we were going to practice to keep my mind off things. All I did was smile thankfully at him.
We went over to Spencer's grandma and Sophia got to come too, it was the first time she heard us play and she was so proud of us.
They were right, playing did keep my mind off things. Music seemed to make everything better.
We started recording Time To Dance but it would take a week or two to finish it. Feeling like I had accomplished something I left practice with a small piece of my broken heart back in place.
Fast forward
The hospital called.
They said that they had to keep my father for another night. For tests.
I am Ryan's relieved empty heart.
Fast forward
My dad came home. He went to work every day, then disappeared every night.
It was like living with a ghost. This was worse then it was before. Then he would at least talk to us. At least acknowledge our existence. But I guess we were the ghosts in his eyes, cause every time we said a word to him he didn't see us.
Out neighbors thought he was still at the hospital.
"No, he's just working. He got a new job."
"Oh." They would say every time, thinking they would hear him the next day cursing his then ex-job. But it never happened.
And he kept his act up. Worked when the sun shined, disappeared when dark.
Fast forward
Recorded Camisado and Nails For Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks with the guys. We got this cool thing called PureVolume and posted our songs there.
For the first time it seemed our band was going somewhere.
Get busy living or get busy dying.
Fast forward
Graduated from High School.
My dad wasn't sitting in the audience, I looked over the crowd and saw my best friends' faces, my girlfriend's face and my now nine year old sister's face.
As expected my dad wasn't there.
I am Ryan's broken heart.
Fast forward
Good/Bad news day.
A guy named Peter Wentz contacted me about our music. He wanted to sign us.
A guy named Dr. Cline contacted me about my mother. She passed away.
I am Ryan's split in half heart.
Fast forward.
I was at my mothers funeral. Dressed in black, holding hands with two of the most important girls in my life.
It was a small ceremony. It was just me, Claire, Sophia, Brendon, Spencer and Jon. My dad didn't have the decency to show up. Or even listen to my invite.
"..her memory will live in all of our hearts" The priest finished and closed the bible. It was time for the final goodbye. I walked over to her coffin and put a single red rose on top. I couldn't believe that she was gone. I never got the chance to tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her. She did everything for Claire and I, worked two jobs and had to deal with our father all those years.
If I thought my dad made my life worse, I can't imagine how life was for her. There were so many times she sent us into our rooms when our dad threw a fit. Every time she had to deal with him and the wreck that he left behind him on his way out the door to the bar. He took over her life and took it away too.
Nobody should settle with living life like that. No one deserves it.
"I love you mom. Goodbye." I whispered with tears in my eyes and picked Claire up. Her tears were now falling freely down her cheeks.
"Hush, everything is going to be okay" I whispered in her ear and tightened my grip around her. She just kept sobbing softly. I didn't believe my words myself. I felt Sophia's hand on my shoulder, I looked back at her. She had tears in her eyes. I released one of my arms around Claire and put it around Sophia's shoulder.
I need to be strong.
"What's going to happen now?" she asked, her voice shaking from tears.
"I don't know." Tomorrow we were going to meet up with Pete Wentz in Los Angeles. I felt so guilty leaving Claire. She was going to stay with Sophia. I couldn't let this get me down. Be strong. My band was finally going somewhere, and this was a chance I couldn't pass.
We were walking towards my car, the guys had already left to pack their stuff for tomorrow. I put Claire down and searched for the car key in my pocket. But I came across another thing I had forgotten about. I wrapped my hand around the little box and thought. Should I do it?
"I'm cold Ryan," Sophia whispered waiting for me to get the keys but instead she saw me pulling the little box out of my pocket.
"Ryan, what's that?" she questioned nervously. I looked down at the little black box and couldn't help but smile through my tears. Claire got on her toes to see what I was holding. "What is it?" she asked too.
"Umm," I got on one knee and opened the box. It was my mothers wedding ring. I had inherited it and had been keeping it in my pocket ever since the hospital had given it to me. First I thought about buring it with her, but then I realized I could keep it warm on another's girls hand. My girls hand.
"Sophia?" I said nervously. She gasped and Claire exchanged confused looks at us.
"Will you marry me?"
I felt this big knot form in my stomach, was this really the right thing to do? I mean, we were both still so young. But, even though I was only eighteen I had gone through more than some people do in a lifetime. This was right.
I looked up to her and saw her eyes widen and her right hand quickly shifted to her mouth. "Oh my god Ryan."
I didn't move and kept staring her in the eyes. She was staring down at the ring then looked at me and lowered her hand from her mouth. "Yes"
I felt my lips curl up into a smile as I reached for her hand and slided the ring slowly up her finger. I heard her laugh softly as I stood up and brushed her cheek before connecting our lips together. I couldn't help but smile into the soft kiss. I could in no way explain how happy I was feeling. It was like my heart would soon explode from all the feelings I was experiencing at the same time. Love, happiness, nervousness, fear, want, need. The only feeling I wasn't experiencing was hurt. The feeling that had been haunting me all of my life.
"Ewww!" Claire cried out. Me and Sophia parted from the kiss both giggling. This was a moment we would remember forever.
"Teenagers." she said in a very serious tone and crossed her arms shaking her head.
I ignored Claire for a moment and took both of Sophia's hands in mine and just stared deeply in her eyes. The way she looked back at me confirmed that she was really meaning it. She really wanted to spend her life with me.
And that's where my life began.
Play.
Sophia came over and no words needed to be said yet, I just collapsed into her embrace.
I felt better seeing her, she seemed to make everything better.
"What happened?" her voice seemed so far away but in real life she was right beside me. It was just like my life was passing me before my eyes and I couldn't do nothing about it. Anything I said or did didn't matter. This could only get worse. So why bother?
"I just don't want to think about it or talk about it. I just want to forget." I said suddenly becoming frustrated. I just hated sitting there and doing nothing but think about it. I had to do something.
Brendon called Spencer and Jon and decided we were going to practice to keep my mind off things. All I did was smile thankfully at him.
We went over to Spencer's grandma and Sophia got to come too, it was the first time she heard us play and she was so proud of us.
They were right, playing did keep my mind off things. Music seemed to make everything better.
We started recording Time To Dance but it would take a week or two to finish it. Feeling like I had accomplished something I left practice with a small piece of my broken heart back in place.
Fast forward
The hospital called.
They said that they had to keep my father for another night. For tests.
I am Ryan's relieved empty heart.
Fast forward
My dad came home. He went to work every day, then disappeared every night.
It was like living with a ghost. This was worse then it was before. Then he would at least talk to us. At least acknowledge our existence. But I guess we were the ghosts in his eyes, cause every time we said a word to him he didn't see us.
Out neighbors thought he was still at the hospital.
"No, he's just working. He got a new job."
"Oh." They would say every time, thinking they would hear him the next day cursing his then ex-job. But it never happened.
And he kept his act up. Worked when the sun shined, disappeared when dark.
Fast forward
Recorded Camisado and Nails For Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks with the guys. We got this cool thing called PureVolume and posted our songs there.
For the first time it seemed our band was going somewhere.
Get busy living or get busy dying.
Fast forward
Graduated from High School.
My dad wasn't sitting in the audience, I looked over the crowd and saw my best friends' faces, my girlfriend's face and my now nine year old sister's face.
As expected my dad wasn't there.
I am Ryan's broken heart.
Fast forward
Good/Bad news day.
A guy named Peter Wentz contacted me about our music. He wanted to sign us.
A guy named Dr. Cline contacted me about my mother. She passed away.
I am Ryan's split in half heart.
Fast forward.
I was at my mothers funeral. Dressed in black, holding hands with two of the most important girls in my life.
It was a small ceremony. It was just me, Claire, Sophia, Brendon, Spencer and Jon. My dad didn't have the decency to show up. Or even listen to my invite.
"..her memory will live in all of our hearts" The priest finished and closed the bible. It was time for the final goodbye. I walked over to her coffin and put a single red rose on top. I couldn't believe that she was gone. I never got the chance to tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her. She did everything for Claire and I, worked two jobs and had to deal with our father all those years.
If I thought my dad made my life worse, I can't imagine how life was for her. There were so many times she sent us into our rooms when our dad threw a fit. Every time she had to deal with him and the wreck that he left behind him on his way out the door to the bar. He took over her life and took it away too.
Nobody should settle with living life like that. No one deserves it.
"I love you mom. Goodbye." I whispered with tears in my eyes and picked Claire up. Her tears were now falling freely down her cheeks.
"Hush, everything is going to be okay" I whispered in her ear and tightened my grip around her. She just kept sobbing softly. I didn't believe my words myself. I felt Sophia's hand on my shoulder, I looked back at her. She had tears in her eyes. I released one of my arms around Claire and put it around Sophia's shoulder.
I need to be strong.
"What's going to happen now?" she asked, her voice shaking from tears.
"I don't know." Tomorrow we were going to meet up with Pete Wentz in Los Angeles. I felt so guilty leaving Claire. She was going to stay with Sophia. I couldn't let this get me down. Be strong. My band was finally going somewhere, and this was a chance I couldn't pass.
We were walking towards my car, the guys had already left to pack their stuff for tomorrow. I put Claire down and searched for the car key in my pocket. But I came across another thing I had forgotten about. I wrapped my hand around the little box and thought. Should I do it?
"I'm cold Ryan," Sophia whispered waiting for me to get the keys but instead she saw me pulling the little box out of my pocket.
"Ryan, what's that?" she questioned nervously. I looked down at the little black box and couldn't help but smile through my tears. Claire got on her toes to see what I was holding. "What is it?" she asked too.
"Umm," I got on one knee and opened the box. It was my mothers wedding ring. I had inherited it and had been keeping it in my pocket ever since the hospital had given it to me. First I thought about buring it with her, but then I realized I could keep it warm on another's girls hand. My girls hand.
"Sophia?" I said nervously. She gasped and Claire exchanged confused looks at us.
"Will you marry me?"
I felt this big knot form in my stomach, was this really the right thing to do? I mean, we were both still so young. But, even though I was only eighteen I had gone through more than some people do in a lifetime. This was right.
I looked up to her and saw her eyes widen and her right hand quickly shifted to her mouth. "Oh my god Ryan."
I didn't move and kept staring her in the eyes. She was staring down at the ring then looked at me and lowered her hand from her mouth. "Yes"
I felt my lips curl up into a smile as I reached for her hand and slided the ring slowly up her finger. I heard her laugh softly as I stood up and brushed her cheek before connecting our lips together. I couldn't help but smile into the soft kiss. I could in no way explain how happy I was feeling. It was like my heart would soon explode from all the feelings I was experiencing at the same time. Love, happiness, nervousness, fear, want, need. The only feeling I wasn't experiencing was hurt. The feeling that had been haunting me all of my life.
"Ewww!" Claire cried out. Me and Sophia parted from the kiss both giggling. This was a moment we would remember forever.
"Teenagers." she said in a very serious tone and crossed her arms shaking her head.
I ignored Claire for a moment and took both of Sophia's hands in mine and just stared deeply in her eyes. The way she looked back at me confirmed that she was really meaning it. She really wanted to spend her life with me.
And that's where my life began.
Play.
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