Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > My Heart Can't Take This Hurt
Sleepless nights.
I had gotten used to them a while ago.
When it was 5 am I finally heard someone stumble into the house. I jumped up and ran to meet my father trying to gain balance. Before I knew it he collapsed on the floor.
I ran to him and knelt by his side. It looked like he was unconscious. My heart started racing as I dialed 911.
"Hello? Please help me, my father was gone all night and he just came home and collapsed on the floor...Ryan Ross...182 Lemont street...Thank you." I hung up and ran into Claire's room waking her up and handed her some clothes. Then I ran back to my dad, still lying lifeless on the floor. I checked his heartbeat. It was still there.
___________________________________
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is
I was sitting in the ambulance holding Claire in my arms. We were watching the paramedics shove all kinds of drugs in my dad's mouth and put a needle up his arm to connect him to the IV.
Few minutes later we arrived at the hospital. The paramedics hurried my dad inside the hospital and pointed us to follow. When we got inside a nurse lead us to the waiting room.
"Just sit back and relax." She said kindly. "We'll let you know as soon as we have any news."
It felt like everything was moving so fast. And I felt helpless cause I didn't have any control over the situation. All I could do was..
Sit back and relax.
Claire was sitting in my arms sobbing and her eyes kept closing then flickering back open. It was still so early.
"Just sleep." I whispered and she nodded silently and kept her eyes closed.
I sighed and let my head lean against the wall. I was just as tired as she was but I had no interest in sleeping. I couldn't. This was my fault.
Just in two days my life had taking a turn for the bad. Again.
Claire was asleep. Her breath was steady and eyes closed shut. Just down the hall was my mom still waiting to wake up. I hadn't seen her for a while now. My stomach filled guilt.
I called for a nurse and asked to keep an eye on Claire. I had to go see my mom.
I walked down the hall, passing so many closed doors. All the people who were suffering behind those closed doors. My mother was one of them.
For those other patients one thing was different. Someone was holding their hands and praying for their recovery. But what was I doing? Nothing.
I got to her room and opened the door. The lights were turned off and the only light in the room was coming from her heartbeat monitor.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I walked into the dark. A chair was beside her bed, I sat down and felt for her hand.
Her hand was cold. I felt a tear run down my cheek. This was never the life I thought I'd live.
I leaned my head down and kissed her hand then let my head relax on her hospital bed.
So shut your eyes
kiss me goodbye
and sleep
just sleep
"Mr. Ross?" I felt a woman pat on my back. I looked up to see the nurse I had talked to earlier. Claire was there too holding the nurse's hand. "Wake up."
I rubbed my eyes and tried to get used to the light. I had fallen asleep. I looked up at the nurse and asked: "How's my dad?"
"He had too much alcohol in his system. That is extremely dangerous considering he just woke up from a long coma. His body couldn't handle it. He will have to stay the night" She explained and pointed me to follow her out of the room.
I released my mother's hand and followed the nurse and Claire, taking one last glance at my mother resting peacefully in her coma.
The nurse led us to another floor and to what appeared to be our fathers room. She opened the door and left us there.
My dad was lying in the bed with both eyes closed. I closed the door and saw him slightly open his eyes then he turned to his side ignoring us both. I felt a sting in my heart. This was still all my fault. Claire tugged my hand and I looked down at her. She gave me a confused look and I just nodded.
"D-d-dad?" I stuttered with tears forming in my eyes.
"Go." he said harshly.
I couldn't take this. I ran out the room dragging Claire after me with tears in my eyes. She started crying too. I picked her up and walked over to the front desk.
"Can I make a phone call please?" I asked wiping away the tears from my free hand, holding Claire in the other.
"One moment please." Soon enough I was dialing Brendon's home number. I didn't have anyone else to call. I had failed to realize that Sophia was mad at me earlier when her number got no answer.
"Hello?" It was his mom.
"Hi, it's Ryan. is Brendon there?" I asked.
"No. He's at school. Where are you Ryan?" I hadn't realized that the clock was 10am already.
"Oh. I'm at the hospital." I said.
"What happened? Are you're parents alright? Do you need me to pick you up?" she asked concerned.
"Well, the nurse said that he's going to have to stay over night..."
"No problem, I'll be there soon" She said kindly.
"Thank you so much Mrs. Urie" I said politely.
"Don't worry about it."
_________________________________
Brendon's mom picked us up and as soon as I laid down on my mattress that was still on Brendon's floor, I fell asleep.
And I didn't wake up until Brendon came home from school and started playing music on his computer.
"Ohh, shut that up"
His head quickly turned my way. "You're awake!"
"Yes, thanks to you." I said grumpily and sat up on the mattress. I wish I could've slept longer. Cause when you're sleeping the world doesn't exist, just the world your mind creates for you. And this time I liked my own world better.
Brendon ignored that comment and kept talking. "Sophia was worried about you at school. You should talk to her, she was a mess."
Why did I have to hurt the one person I really loved?
I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "Can I have your phone."
He threw his cell at me, I caught it. "Thanks"
I dialed Sophia's number after memory and waited for an answer.
"Ryan?" she practically whispered.
"I'm so sorry." was the only thing I said.
I could feel her smiling softly over the phone when she said: "It's alright."
"But it's not alright. I'm such an idiot hurting the only person I really care for right now, you shouldn't forgive me." I said. I was so mad at myself.
"Ryan, please don't worry about it, I everything is hard on you right now. I can't blame you." She said softly. I sighed and nodded though I knew she couldn't see me. "How are you?" she asked.
"I'm.. I don't know. I'm the reason why my dad is at the hospital again."
"He's what? What happened?"
"It's a long story... Could you come over? I'm at Brendon's" I asked.
"Yeah, I'll be right there."
"Okay, I love you."
"Love you too, bye" she said and the line went dead. I collapsed again on the mattress with my hand on my forehead.
"So you really love her don't you?" Brendon asked curious with a small smirk on his face.
"Yeah." I replied and closed my eyes. And I wasn't lying.
I reached for my notebook that was lying on my pants beside the mattress. I opened it and looked over the words I had written this morning.
___________________________________
This is the scent of dead skin on linoleum floor.
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
And it's not so pleasant. And it's not conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal, we deal.
The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
the apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in.
No it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal.
Sit back, relax
Sit back, relapse. again and again.
You can take the kid out of the fight but you can't take the fight out of the kid
You're a regular decorated emergency.
the bruises and contusions will remind you what you did when you wake.
you've earned a place atop the ICU's hall of fame.
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again.
(2nd highest all time number of curses, swears and punches)
I had gotten used to them a while ago.
When it was 5 am I finally heard someone stumble into the house. I jumped up and ran to meet my father trying to gain balance. Before I knew it he collapsed on the floor.
I ran to him and knelt by his side. It looked like he was unconscious. My heart started racing as I dialed 911.
"Hello? Please help me, my father was gone all night and he just came home and collapsed on the floor...Ryan Ross...182 Lemont street...Thank you." I hung up and ran into Claire's room waking her up and handed her some clothes. Then I ran back to my dad, still lying lifeless on the floor. I checked his heartbeat. It was still there.
___________________________________
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is
I was sitting in the ambulance holding Claire in my arms. We were watching the paramedics shove all kinds of drugs in my dad's mouth and put a needle up his arm to connect him to the IV.
Few minutes later we arrived at the hospital. The paramedics hurried my dad inside the hospital and pointed us to follow. When we got inside a nurse lead us to the waiting room.
"Just sit back and relax." She said kindly. "We'll let you know as soon as we have any news."
It felt like everything was moving so fast. And I felt helpless cause I didn't have any control over the situation. All I could do was..
Sit back and relax.
Claire was sitting in my arms sobbing and her eyes kept closing then flickering back open. It was still so early.
"Just sleep." I whispered and she nodded silently and kept her eyes closed.
I sighed and let my head lean against the wall. I was just as tired as she was but I had no interest in sleeping. I couldn't. This was my fault.
Just in two days my life had taking a turn for the bad. Again.
Claire was asleep. Her breath was steady and eyes closed shut. Just down the hall was my mom still waiting to wake up. I hadn't seen her for a while now. My stomach filled guilt.
I called for a nurse and asked to keep an eye on Claire. I had to go see my mom.
I walked down the hall, passing so many closed doors. All the people who were suffering behind those closed doors. My mother was one of them.
For those other patients one thing was different. Someone was holding their hands and praying for their recovery. But what was I doing? Nothing.
I got to her room and opened the door. The lights were turned off and the only light in the room was coming from her heartbeat monitor.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I walked into the dark. A chair was beside her bed, I sat down and felt for her hand.
Her hand was cold. I felt a tear run down my cheek. This was never the life I thought I'd live.
I leaned my head down and kissed her hand then let my head relax on her hospital bed.
So shut your eyes
kiss me goodbye
and sleep
just sleep
"Mr. Ross?" I felt a woman pat on my back. I looked up to see the nurse I had talked to earlier. Claire was there too holding the nurse's hand. "Wake up."
I rubbed my eyes and tried to get used to the light. I had fallen asleep. I looked up at the nurse and asked: "How's my dad?"
"He had too much alcohol in his system. That is extremely dangerous considering he just woke up from a long coma. His body couldn't handle it. He will have to stay the night" She explained and pointed me to follow her out of the room.
I released my mother's hand and followed the nurse and Claire, taking one last glance at my mother resting peacefully in her coma.
The nurse led us to another floor and to what appeared to be our fathers room. She opened the door and left us there.
My dad was lying in the bed with both eyes closed. I closed the door and saw him slightly open his eyes then he turned to his side ignoring us both. I felt a sting in my heart. This was still all my fault. Claire tugged my hand and I looked down at her. She gave me a confused look and I just nodded.
"D-d-dad?" I stuttered with tears forming in my eyes.
"Go." he said harshly.
I couldn't take this. I ran out the room dragging Claire after me with tears in my eyes. She started crying too. I picked her up and walked over to the front desk.
"Can I make a phone call please?" I asked wiping away the tears from my free hand, holding Claire in the other.
"One moment please." Soon enough I was dialing Brendon's home number. I didn't have anyone else to call. I had failed to realize that Sophia was mad at me earlier when her number got no answer.
"Hello?" It was his mom.
"Hi, it's Ryan. is Brendon there?" I asked.
"No. He's at school. Where are you Ryan?" I hadn't realized that the clock was 10am already.
"Oh. I'm at the hospital." I said.
"What happened? Are you're parents alright? Do you need me to pick you up?" she asked concerned.
"Well, the nurse said that he's going to have to stay over night..."
"No problem, I'll be there soon" She said kindly.
"Thank you so much Mrs. Urie" I said politely.
"Don't worry about it."
_________________________________
Brendon's mom picked us up and as soon as I laid down on my mattress that was still on Brendon's floor, I fell asleep.
And I didn't wake up until Brendon came home from school and started playing music on his computer.
"Ohh, shut that up"
His head quickly turned my way. "You're awake!"
"Yes, thanks to you." I said grumpily and sat up on the mattress. I wish I could've slept longer. Cause when you're sleeping the world doesn't exist, just the world your mind creates for you. And this time I liked my own world better.
Brendon ignored that comment and kept talking. "Sophia was worried about you at school. You should talk to her, she was a mess."
Why did I have to hurt the one person I really loved?
I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "Can I have your phone."
He threw his cell at me, I caught it. "Thanks"
I dialed Sophia's number after memory and waited for an answer.
"Ryan?" she practically whispered.
"I'm so sorry." was the only thing I said.
I could feel her smiling softly over the phone when she said: "It's alright."
"But it's not alright. I'm such an idiot hurting the only person I really care for right now, you shouldn't forgive me." I said. I was so mad at myself.
"Ryan, please don't worry about it, I everything is hard on you right now. I can't blame you." She said softly. I sighed and nodded though I knew she couldn't see me. "How are you?" she asked.
"I'm.. I don't know. I'm the reason why my dad is at the hospital again."
"He's what? What happened?"
"It's a long story... Could you come over? I'm at Brendon's" I asked.
"Yeah, I'll be right there."
"Okay, I love you."
"Love you too, bye" she said and the line went dead. I collapsed again on the mattress with my hand on my forehead.
"So you really love her don't you?" Brendon asked curious with a small smirk on his face.
"Yeah." I replied and closed my eyes. And I wasn't lying.
I reached for my notebook that was lying on my pants beside the mattress. I opened it and looked over the words I had written this morning.
___________________________________
This is the scent of dead skin on linoleum floor.
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
And it's not so pleasant. And it's not conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal, we deal.
The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
the apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in.
No it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal.
Sit back, relax
Sit back, relapse. again and again.
You can take the kid out of the fight but you can't take the fight out of the kid
You're a regular decorated emergency.
the bruises and contusions will remind you what you did when you wake.
you've earned a place atop the ICU's hall of fame.
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again.
(2nd highest all time number of curses, swears and punches)
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