FicWad

Give us life again, 'cause we just wanna be whole.

"Oh, Marty, the joke? A killer!" The TV said, and Patrick flipped the channel, shaking his head angrily.
"Jesus Christ."
A few minutes into the next channel Patrick changed to, another quip came.
"I swear, the woman was talking so much, she nearly bored us to death."
"For fuck's sake." Patrick slammed the remote down next to him on the couch and looked at the ceiling.
"Patrick... they're only figures of speech." Pete said, somewhat warily.
"Yeah, well, they shouldn't be fucking figures of speech. 'Cause people only seem to say them after someone's actually fucking died."
They stayed quiet, they knew he was angry, it was one of the stages of grief. They just had to wait for it to pass.
Or he'll say he's just not the same, and you'll begin to wonder why you came,
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known how to save a life.
"Turn that fucking radio off!" Patrick said, standing up and picking the remote up, hurling it across the room at the wall.
"It's off, Patrick." Joe said, coming back into the room.
"Thank you." He said, irritably, sitting back down.
"You guys don't have to look over me all the time." He snapped.
"I know. We just don't want you sitting here being alone."
"Oh, alright. Well, will you go if I promise I'll sing all the time and dance around the house like nothing's fucking happened?"
"No." Pete said shortly. "We'll go once you get this out of your system. And once we know you won't just sit here in the dark, because Danni and Josh need you."
"I know they fucking need me, I'm their dad!" Patrick hissed.
"Just saying, dude." Pete said, sitting down.
"Maybe you guys should just leave me alone." Patrick said, staring straight ahead.
"We're not going anywhere."
"Oh, just go already! Go back to your lovely apartments, back to your girlfriends, and your perfect lives!"
"Our lives aren't perfect." Andy said. "And yours isn't either, we're not saying ours are."
"They're a damn sight better than mine! So why don't you just go and stop worrying about me? My girlfriend's dead, yours isn't. Let's just all go home and forget about him. Please, just /go/."
"I told you, we're only going if we know you're okay."
"I'm not okay, Joe! Do I look okay? No, I look like complete shit, and I know it. I don't need it pointed out to me. I don't need a sedative every fucking time I remember everything. I don't need your fucking crackers, and I'm sick of drinking endless cups of tea!"
"We could make coffee..." Joe pointed out, not trying to be funny, but Patrick forced a loud laugh.
"Oh, you'll make coffee? That makes me feel so much better. If you're gonna make coffee, I'll just sit here and make you wait on me 24/7, shall I?"
"I didn't mean..."
"I'll just be fully dependent on you guys, alright? You can make my dinner, and I'll just sit there and not eat it, just to irritate you. I'll make you go out and get my mail, I'll make you fucking do my washing, and my ironing. How about that?"
"Alright, Patrick. We get the point. You want to be left alone. We get that. We're only doing this because you're our best friend in the world and we love you." Pete said, standing up. "And the last thing you need right now is to be alone."
"I'm not alone. I have my children." Patrick said, shortly. "And maybe I just need a few days spent with two people who can't talk and irritate the crap out of me by offering to do every thing in the book for me. I'm not being lazy. I'm not disabled. I'm just grieving."
"Which is fine. But Patrick, please... you have to be strong for Danni and Josh."
"Because they're completely depressed as to where their future mommy went?"
"They will wonder where she is, yes. But also because it's unbelievably frightening for them to hear their dad screaming his lungs out and becoming someone they don't know. You have to go back to the Patrick you were before. I'm not saying you have to stop grieving, but don't let it make Danni and Josh wonder where their daddy's gone. You've just lost Amanda, you don't want to lose yourself."
Patrick watched him and threw his hands in the air.
"You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm being such a bastard."
"No, you're not. You're just... depressed."
"Thanks, you guys. You're being so great." He said.
"It's what we're here for." Andy said, with a smile.
"Yeah, and you take as much time as you need. 'Cause we're not going anywhere." Pete said. "Unless you want us to. If you want us to leave, just tell us."
"Thanks." Patrick said. He looked around.
"Alright, I gotta go and apologize to Danni and Josh."

"I'm so sorry guys. I've been really selfish." Patrick said to Danni and Josh a few minutes later.
"Daddy's just been real sad for the past dew days. But I bet you guessed that, right? Don't worry about me, I'll get better. It might take some time but with two beautiful babies like you, you'll make me smile. You always do."
He smiled at them.
"So your Uncles were good to you when I was upset? I'm sure they were - they're surprisingly good, actually. I bet they did a great job. I really, really, really am sorry. My mind went sort of blank and I couldn't do anything."
He shook his head and stroked their faces.
"I'm sorry. I really am. But Daddy's here now."

The next few weeks dragged by. Every time Patrick went out, he prayed no-one would notice him and try to find out the reason the tour had been postponed. He wasn't exactly willing to tell the world his girlfriend had died and he was too depressed to tour around the world. The fans were amazing with the news, sure some were angry and some were unable to attend the next shows that would be scheduled, but the only details of why the tour was postponed were due to one member being physically unwell, but the member wasn't named and naturally, everyone assumed it was Pete. Everyone was supportive, in their opinion the tour only mattered if the guys were fit and healthy, and that was exactly what the guys themselves thought.

Patrick still dreamt of Amanda every single night. Sometimes he woke up in a sweat, her face painted against his eyelids, unable to fade. Other times, he woke up stretched out across the bed, expecting Amanda to be right by his side. Sometimes it took him minutes to realize she wasn't coming back. Many times he went into the kitchen expecting her to be sitting reading his paper, like he had found her doing so many times before. There were times when Pete, Andy and Joe were around to see how things were, and he would unintentionally mention Amanda's name, or repeat some joke they'd had between them, and then remember what had happened and clam up entirely. Most of his nights were spent trying to do anything than think of Amanda, and how if she were there, she would be in his bathroom taking her make-up off, ready to crawl into bed with Patrick and make him feel protected. There were so many ways he tried to forget her, but there was no use. No matter what he did, he would never forget her.

"What was that song Amanda sang you once?" Patrick asked Danni and Josh as he put them to bed one night.
"You went straight to sleep and it was quicker than any of my songs ever have. I don't know why I'm asking you either, 'cause you won't exactly sit up and tell me which song it was. I keep thinking I see her. Lying in my bed or sitting in the bathtub. But she's not. She's not and she never will again."
He looked at them and they both watched him, as though waiting for him to go on.
"I'm sorry. I can't get her out of my head, I loved her, you guys. I know you two did as well. We could have been really happy, the four of us, right? And then maybe a few years later we could have given you guys a little brother or sister to play with. But... I wouldn't get too excited, 'cause it won't happen. As much as we want it to, it won't. And it'll be a few years before you understand why, but just remember she loves you so much. And so do I."
He kissed them both and watched them. Danni fell asleep within a few minutes, and Josh still watched him.
"What about you, little man? Are you not gonna sleep?"
Josh reached out and his hand met Patrick's sideburn. Josh let his hand stay there and then looked at Patrick as Patrick put his own hand up to hold Josh's.
"Da-dee..."

You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am,
I'll come running to see you again,
Winter, spring, summer or fall,
All you gotta do is call,
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah,
You got a friend.

For Christa, who's the best friend I've met in a long time.
For ssketchator, who leaves the best reviews and takes the time to recommend stories.
For fobgal1, for her never-ending support.
Forr patricksgirl84, who was one of the first people to review.
And to everyone else who reviewed and rated my story, thank you so much.
Look out for the sequel; A Stranger In The Mirror. Coming right up.