FicWad

I tried to act as nonchalant as possible, as if it was normal to walk in and have the only guy who ever had a hold over me, even when he wasn't around, sitting on my sofa, feet up on my coffee table, half asleep.

"How did you get in?" I asked with a false calm. He held up Sarah's spare key to my apartment in case of an emergency. I should have known she'd see this as an emergency, then again she sees everything as an emergency.

"I wanted you to listen to what I had to say." I removed his feet from the coffee table and sat on the edge of it myself, praying that the glass wouldn't shatter under my weight.

I was trying and trying to get the taxi driver's words out of my head but I couldn't. They were bouncing around my brain like a basket ball.

I think that the only reason you left is to see if he comes after you now. Because if he doesn't you know he never really loved you and feels he got a lucky escape, and if he does...well if he does...you wouldn't know what to think.

She's right. I didn't know what to do, or what to think as a matter of fact. All of these old memories kept coming back.

Ryan and I are sitting in his hotel room. I watched as Brendon chased Jon around the room. You see Jon had stolen Brendon's Red Bull.

"I wonder what its like to live with these guys." I said suddenly. Ryan bristled beside me.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah." He said but he sounded like he didn't believe himself. Before I could say anything else he was straddling me, attacking me with tickles and kisses.

My mind went to another sweet moment between us and I felt like I couldn't breathe when I noticed the similarities.

It was me, Ryan and Spencer and we were, once again in the hotel.

"Can we go somewhere just the three of us. Oh I know lets go to the cinema." I said, looking at Ryan and Spencer pleadingly.

"Its too public-" Spencer started, earning a kick in the leg from Ryan. I looked on confused.

"Spencer's scared of cinema's. Aren't you Spencer?" Ryan said pointedly. Before Spencer could answer he interrupted "And besides we could have far more fun in here." He said as he, once again attacked me with tickles and kisses.

"Dudes, get a room." Spencer said leaving us to it. No. Not it it. Gutter brains.

That's why we never went out in public much, not because he was embarrassed to be seen with me but because he didn't want me to know his secret. Of course!

"Go on then." I said sternly. Though I didn't feel quite as stern. I felt weak at the knees, faint and about ready to fall and let him catch me. I'm not your typical borderline anorexic heroine so whether or not his skinny frame could support my weight has yet to be seen.

"You have to understand that day at the park was the hardest day of my life. But I couldn't have you deal with it. You know the whole being a rock stars girlfriend. With you going to University while receiving tons of hate mail from fans, us only seeing each other about maybe twice a year it would have been too difficult."

He looked at me and I couldn't help but look away, the honesty in his eyes was enough to make me want to cry. I had done more than enough crying today. I fought back tears and turned to watched him, waited for him to continue.

"You loved me despite who I was and telling you the truth would have ruined what we had. When I left I realised that I needed you but by then it was too late. You needed to get on with your life and I couldn't ruin it again."

When I didn't reply panic became evident. He looked at me as if he was desperately trying to read my emotions but couldn't. He's caused me three years of pain and now he wants to just pick up where we left off.

"Look!" He shouted, reaching into his pocket. "I even kept the letter you wrote me. And I travelled all the way to England to see you but your brother wouldn't tell me where you were. Said that you'd probably kill him if he told me where you were."

I made a mental note to kill my brother.

"You didn't have to." I said with little emotion. I couldn't let him know that after all he has put me through and even after going three years without him he still had me right where he wanted me. I had to make him think he had lost me.

I cant remember when we stood but now we were standing face to face, I took a step back because I started to become self aware.

"Yeah and I didn't have to love you either, but I did." He paused, stepping closer to me, my mind was screaming KISS HIM! KISS HIM! KISS HIM! but I couldn't move.

"I lost you once. I'd rather die than lose you again. I'm not gonna give up fighting for you, Dylan."

"Well you might as well because you're fighting a losing battle." I said, even as I was saying it I wanted to slap myself. I wanted him so much it hurt but I couldn't bring myself to get over it, and I couldn't bring myself to believe that he really was here.

"Leave or you might miss your show."

He went to say something but I interrupted.

"Please. I'll see you after the concert." I said, handing him his jacket. Without another word he left. Just as the door slammed I felt a tear fall. So much for not crying

I immediately called my mother, she'd know what to do. After I called her she told me the one thing that I least wanted to hear. She agreed with the taxi driver and said I should give him another chance. Even my brother agreed with her. Must remember to kill him twice.

Mother would have forgiven, but then again she was always far stronger than I was and wasn't scared of getting hurt. 'A guy can only hurt you if you let them.' It made it sound as if I brought it on myself.

I hung up the phone on her with a hasty 'I love you' and sat there numb.