Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > You'll be a lover in my bed and a gun to my head
I can hear my pulse behind my ears and my throat, salt and lust is my backseat driver.
5 reviewsyay for longest ch. yet.
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Brendon's POV.
I lie here in bed, awake at 4 in the morning yet again, but this time, I haven't slept all night and Ryan is not in the room to try and coax me to sleep and its all my fault.
Previously that day
"I don't want to perform tonight." Jon whined from the table where he clutched a cup of coffee like his life depended on it.
"Just because you two got drunk last night doesn't mean that we aren't going to perform. We have an obligation to our fans and its our job too. You knew we had a show today. So there are no excuses." Ryan went off at Spencer and Jon while setting Tylenol in front of them.
I smiled to myself as I listened to him rant at them. He's so passionate about this band. He's such a passionate person in general. I didn't say any of this out loud and turned my back on them as I smiled, not wanting them to see. I busied myself, instead, with finding something good on the TV.
Ryan came over and fell back onto the couch with a huff. "I can't believe they would go out and get drunk when they knew we have a show today."
"Take it easy Ry. They're only human. They make mistakes. Plus they have a couple hours to try and let the hangovers dull." I tried to comfort him.
"I know. I know, but it doesn't mean it doesn't still annoy me." He muttered with his arms crossed over his chest.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and he relaxed slightly and we sat there and continued to watch TV until it was time to do sound check.
During sound check, everything went relatively well given that two of our members were hung over.
Afterwards, we went back to the room to gather everything we needed for the show, then headed back to the venue in order to start getting ready. Ryan and I shared a dressing room while Jon and Spence moped around sluggishly getting ready.
Ryan started to change out of his street clothes and into his performance clothes. I turned around to grab my clothes when I saw him with his shirt off. I had seen him with his shirt off many times and every single time, I'm always amazed by A) how skinny he is and B) how hot he is.
I then heard a small cough and that's when I realized I had been staring at him. I looked up at his face to see an awkward expression and a rouge creeping up his cheeks.
"Um Bren, something wrong? You are you staring at me?"
Awkward. Think Brendon. Think.
"Er. No. Uh, nothings wrong. And, uh, I wasn't staring at you. I, um, spaced out and you happened to step into the point I had spaced out staring at." Nice one.
"Um, oh. Ok, I guess." He quickly pulled on his shirt and sat in front of the mirror to start applying his make up.
I kept my back to him the rest of the time, trying to keep how my body was reacting to myself. I finally hurried to the bathroom and splashed some ice cold water on me and thought of my grandma in her underwear. Whoa. Ok that did it.
I came back out and sat down in a chair. "Ry?"
"Bren?"
"Do my make up please?"
"Sure. Hold on." He finished up his master piece with one more coating of eye liner then quickly admired it in the mirror. Then he got up and made his way over to me.
He stood in front of me just looking over my face, no doubt imagining what he wanted to do, and I sat there awkwardly looking at him looking at me. Then in the blink of an eye, he leaned forward, just centimeters away from my face and began his work. I followed his instructions of "Look up.", "Close." And " Stop blinking!"
When he finished, he leaned back, once again admiring his work. "Done." He smiled.
I looked in the mirror at my face. I didn't have nearly as much make up as he did, but my eyes were coated in fun colors and lined with eye liner.
"Thank you!" I cheered.
Zach leaned his head in the door. "Five minutes guys."
"Ok."
We both got up and headed out.
"How are you guys feeling?" I asked when we found Spencer and Jon.
"Better." Spencer said.
"Eh." Jon replied.
"Ok ready everybody?" Ryan asked looking around our circle of performers, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Yup"- me
"Yeah"- Spencer.
"I guess" - Jon.
Nods - everyone else.
"Then lets do it!" and with that Ryan started on stage followed by the rest of us.
As I looked into the crowd, I realized it was huge. I scarcely saw an open seat or space for that matter.
We picked up our instruments and started into our set.
It was going really well. You could hardly tell that Spencer and Jon had been whining about pounding headaches earlier in the day.
The only problem was that the more we played the more I felt the need to touch Ryan. He just looked so incredibly gorgeous tonight. I found myself wandering over to his side of the stage often, only to lean into him or joke around with him.
Then our second to last song. Lying... Ryan and I had been doing a script. I walk towards him talking about love, a dream, blah blah blah and a perfect first kiss. Usually that is when I lean into only to pull away and say something about how this is not that dream, this is dirty sweaty monstrous fucking. Tonight, I walked towards him and he strummed out notes, then looked up at me. And I lost it. I had to kiss him. I knew I couldn't but as I leaned in, his face just inches from mine, his hand on my cheek, I couldn't help myself. I closed the space between ours mouths and pressed our lips together. It was quick, barely noticeable to the crowd because of the angle, but I know he noticed. I pulled away walking backwards going back to the script. But I could see the mixture of emotions in his eyes. Surprise, hurt, anger, all present....along with some others I couldn't put my finger on.
We finished out our set. Ryan and I totally off. The vibe was messed up. When we got off stage, we went back to the dressing rooms. Ryan hadn't said one word to me and had hardly glanced in my direction. When I walked in the door, it flew shut behind me and Ryan locked it.
"What the fuck was that Brendon?!" Ryan screamed at me.
I cowered in the seat I had sat down in. "Um, I don't know. An impulsive thing I guess..." I trailed off.
"Brendon, there is enough shit flying around about us being gay. What if they caught that?! It could get around on the internet in a second."
"I know." I mumbled.
"And Erin, what about Erin? What will she say if she sees a picture of that?!"
I just rolled my eyes. I hate that stupid bitch.
"What were you thinking?" His voice lowering.
"I needed to kiss you." Oh shit I did not just say that.
"What did you just say?"
"Um nothing."
"Did you just say that you needed to kiss me?"
Fucking piece of shit. This is the worst night in the world. I might as well just fess up. "Yes." I murmured.
"Why?"
I sighed.
"Why?! Brendon!" His voice raised again.
"Because I like you Ryan. I like you as more than a friend and I have for a long time now." I yelled right back at him. God. Me and my big mouth. I cant believe I just said that. I sat there with a stunned look to match Ryan's bug eyes. I dropped my head when he didn't say anything.
He stared at me for a while, my head bowed. Finally he turned his back to me. "I'm not gay Brendon."
My vision blurred as the tears welled up. "I'm not either." I said.
I sat there for another minute. Then slowly, I stood up and started out of the room. As I opened the door, I thought I heard a sniffle come out of Ryan, but I think that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Projecting sounds that I wanted to hear.
And that's how I ended up here. Lying awake at 4 in the morning thinking about Ryan. Where he as, what he was doing. I'm worried about him. Its not like him to stay out without any word. But most of all I thought about my broken heart again. And the tears started to leak from my eyes again.
I lie here in bed, awake at 4 in the morning yet again, but this time, I haven't slept all night and Ryan is not in the room to try and coax me to sleep and its all my fault.
Previously that day
"I don't want to perform tonight." Jon whined from the table where he clutched a cup of coffee like his life depended on it.
"Just because you two got drunk last night doesn't mean that we aren't going to perform. We have an obligation to our fans and its our job too. You knew we had a show today. So there are no excuses." Ryan went off at Spencer and Jon while setting Tylenol in front of them.
I smiled to myself as I listened to him rant at them. He's so passionate about this band. He's such a passionate person in general. I didn't say any of this out loud and turned my back on them as I smiled, not wanting them to see. I busied myself, instead, with finding something good on the TV.
Ryan came over and fell back onto the couch with a huff. "I can't believe they would go out and get drunk when they knew we have a show today."
"Take it easy Ry. They're only human. They make mistakes. Plus they have a couple hours to try and let the hangovers dull." I tried to comfort him.
"I know. I know, but it doesn't mean it doesn't still annoy me." He muttered with his arms crossed over his chest.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and he relaxed slightly and we sat there and continued to watch TV until it was time to do sound check.
During sound check, everything went relatively well given that two of our members were hung over.
Afterwards, we went back to the room to gather everything we needed for the show, then headed back to the venue in order to start getting ready. Ryan and I shared a dressing room while Jon and Spence moped around sluggishly getting ready.
Ryan started to change out of his street clothes and into his performance clothes. I turned around to grab my clothes when I saw him with his shirt off. I had seen him with his shirt off many times and every single time, I'm always amazed by A) how skinny he is and B) how hot he is.
I then heard a small cough and that's when I realized I had been staring at him. I looked up at his face to see an awkward expression and a rouge creeping up his cheeks.
"Um Bren, something wrong? You are you staring at me?"
Awkward. Think Brendon. Think.
"Er. No. Uh, nothings wrong. And, uh, I wasn't staring at you. I, um, spaced out and you happened to step into the point I had spaced out staring at." Nice one.
"Um, oh. Ok, I guess." He quickly pulled on his shirt and sat in front of the mirror to start applying his make up.
I kept my back to him the rest of the time, trying to keep how my body was reacting to myself. I finally hurried to the bathroom and splashed some ice cold water on me and thought of my grandma in her underwear. Whoa. Ok that did it.
I came back out and sat down in a chair. "Ry?"
"Bren?"
"Do my make up please?"
"Sure. Hold on." He finished up his master piece with one more coating of eye liner then quickly admired it in the mirror. Then he got up and made his way over to me.
He stood in front of me just looking over my face, no doubt imagining what he wanted to do, and I sat there awkwardly looking at him looking at me. Then in the blink of an eye, he leaned forward, just centimeters away from my face and began his work. I followed his instructions of "Look up.", "Close." And " Stop blinking!"
When he finished, he leaned back, once again admiring his work. "Done." He smiled.
I looked in the mirror at my face. I didn't have nearly as much make up as he did, but my eyes were coated in fun colors and lined with eye liner.
"Thank you!" I cheered.
Zach leaned his head in the door. "Five minutes guys."
"Ok."
We both got up and headed out.
"How are you guys feeling?" I asked when we found Spencer and Jon.
"Better." Spencer said.
"Eh." Jon replied.
"Ok ready everybody?" Ryan asked looking around our circle of performers, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Yup"- me
"Yeah"- Spencer.
"I guess" - Jon.
Nods - everyone else.
"Then lets do it!" and with that Ryan started on stage followed by the rest of us.
As I looked into the crowd, I realized it was huge. I scarcely saw an open seat or space for that matter.
We picked up our instruments and started into our set.
It was going really well. You could hardly tell that Spencer and Jon had been whining about pounding headaches earlier in the day.
The only problem was that the more we played the more I felt the need to touch Ryan. He just looked so incredibly gorgeous tonight. I found myself wandering over to his side of the stage often, only to lean into him or joke around with him.
Then our second to last song. Lying... Ryan and I had been doing a script. I walk towards him talking about love, a dream, blah blah blah and a perfect first kiss. Usually that is when I lean into only to pull away and say something about how this is not that dream, this is dirty sweaty monstrous fucking. Tonight, I walked towards him and he strummed out notes, then looked up at me. And I lost it. I had to kiss him. I knew I couldn't but as I leaned in, his face just inches from mine, his hand on my cheek, I couldn't help myself. I closed the space between ours mouths and pressed our lips together. It was quick, barely noticeable to the crowd because of the angle, but I know he noticed. I pulled away walking backwards going back to the script. But I could see the mixture of emotions in his eyes. Surprise, hurt, anger, all present....along with some others I couldn't put my finger on.
We finished out our set. Ryan and I totally off. The vibe was messed up. When we got off stage, we went back to the dressing rooms. Ryan hadn't said one word to me and had hardly glanced in my direction. When I walked in the door, it flew shut behind me and Ryan locked it.
"What the fuck was that Brendon?!" Ryan screamed at me.
I cowered in the seat I had sat down in. "Um, I don't know. An impulsive thing I guess..." I trailed off.
"Brendon, there is enough shit flying around about us being gay. What if they caught that?! It could get around on the internet in a second."
"I know." I mumbled.
"And Erin, what about Erin? What will she say if she sees a picture of that?!"
I just rolled my eyes. I hate that stupid bitch.
"What were you thinking?" His voice lowering.
"I needed to kiss you." Oh shit I did not just say that.
"What did you just say?"
"Um nothing."
"Did you just say that you needed to kiss me?"
Fucking piece of shit. This is the worst night in the world. I might as well just fess up. "Yes." I murmured.
"Why?"
I sighed.
"Why?! Brendon!" His voice raised again.
"Because I like you Ryan. I like you as more than a friend and I have for a long time now." I yelled right back at him. God. Me and my big mouth. I cant believe I just said that. I sat there with a stunned look to match Ryan's bug eyes. I dropped my head when he didn't say anything.
He stared at me for a while, my head bowed. Finally he turned his back to me. "I'm not gay Brendon."
My vision blurred as the tears welled up. "I'm not either." I said.
I sat there for another minute. Then slowly, I stood up and started out of the room. As I opened the door, I thought I heard a sniffle come out of Ryan, but I think that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Projecting sounds that I wanted to hear.
And that's how I ended up here. Lying awake at 4 in the morning thinking about Ryan. Where he as, what he was doing. I'm worried about him. Its not like him to stay out without any word. But most of all I thought about my broken heart again. And the tears started to leak from my eyes again.
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