FicWad

I had everything I could have wanted with Steven. More than what I had with Billie, but I couldn't shake my thoughts. My mind hd become my own personal prison, racking me with 'what ifs' and 'whys'.
Alone in my prison I began sorting out my thoughts as I lit my cigarette.

Up in smoke you've lost another love
As you take a hit off your last cigarette

How could she do this? Why? Was it me? Had she grown tired of me?
what did it matter, it was headed for disaster anyway.
Guess I just needed solace for my soul. An answer or reason why things turned out the way they did.

Strung out, burnt out
Yeah you're down on your luck
And you don't give a...
Til the best part of you starts to twitch
Ain't that a bitch

With Tom no less, was it just one big game? There wasn't a way to win at this. She knew how to hurt me. What buttons to push, to make me bend at her will. Now that was gone, I now knew the truth. But Tom, why my best friend? I'd known him over half my life and now he was like a completely different person.
Two people who had held a special spot in my heart had just left me. All alone.

Freak out! I'm alone now
I feel just like I'm losin' my mind
Cause love is like the right dress
On the wrong girl

Inhaling on the cigarette I made my way to the patio. Gazing out towards the shore and suset, alone with my thoughts. The events began to sink in, slowly but they definently hit me. There was never a connection there, just a void I was trying to fill. At what cost though? I'd put myself through hell, and ended up with a heartbreak. I thought we had something, I tried looking past the faults. I though I could fix them, but who was I kidding? I'd picked the wrong girl, and had tried to convice myself otherwise.

You never know what you're gonna find
You think you're high and fine as wine
Then you wind up like a dog in a ditch
Cause love is like a wrong turn
On a cold night...yeah
Ain't that a bitch, Ain¹t that a bitch

I exhaled out slowly. 'wrong girl' I thought shaking my head. What had I seen? What had I wanted? I shouldn't have pusued it. Yet I did, trapping myself and her in a nightmare marriage. It wasn't meant to last but we held on. We held on with our life to an empty promise. And still I had looked to her for a little bit of hope.

In a daze
In the throes of emotion
You see God in the Devil's eyes

It had to be me, I'd done something wrong. Why else would she run to another's arms? I flicked the cigarette to the ground. Slowly I made my way inside. Steven was gone, he'd left an hour ago to pick up grocceries, so I was here alone. I walkked over to the bedroom, and sank down to the bed.
Only a fw hours earlier, had some of my best memories been made, but now I'd settled in a funk. Grazing my hand across the sheet all my memories of Billie flashed before my eyes. 'wasted time' I thought as my back hit the bed I stayed staring at the ceiling.

Then you fall so far from grace
You wouldn't know a kiss
If it was on your face
You can tell it to the jury
But you ain't got no case

Wasted time as it maybe, but I'd stayed. Now I had everything I could want. It just took a complete fall out to see I needed someone else. I held my head in my hands, 'god why'd it take so long for me to see the one I needed was right in front of me?' why'd it take me so long to see Steven was the one I'd been searching for? Why'd I put myself through hell and stayed with her?
I'd been at this an hour, and still I hadn't come to a conclusion. Inhaling I closed my eyes. Why? What the hell was going on?

Freak out! I'm alone now
I feel just like I'm losin' my mind
Cause love is like the right dress
On the wrong girl

I wanted a connection with someone. A person to relate with. I thought I'd find it in her, but I was wrong. She wasn't the one I needed. Far from, I needed someone who loved me in return. Someone who I could talk with , to be a friend, mentor, a lover, in all my soulmate.
Here I'd found it in Steven, I just thought I would have found it in her.
I tried convincing myself I'd find it with her, but it didn't turn out that way.

You never know what you're gonna find
The gal was fine as calamine but not
Enough to scratch a seven year itch
Cause love is like the last licks
Outta Hendrix... yeah
Ain't that a bitch, Ain¹t that a bitch

I sat up and pushed my hair out of my eyes.
I shouldn't feel this way, but after finding the truth out I couldn't knock the feeling of unworthiness.
I felt used and unwanted. This woman, this lady, if she should be called that, had ripped my heart out.
She'd played me, made me feel below her. I'd done nothing , and now my world had turned upside down.
What had I done to deserve it?

Then you feel so out of place
Lickin' up the arsenic
From the same old lace
You know the stuff is poison
But you gotta have a taste

Standing up I began pacing. My life had been wrecked in front of me. My supposed soulmate ahd sold me out for a quick screw. I threw a pillow and sank to the floor. That part of my life was gone. Shot to hell, beyond repair. I could move on now, but I couldn't move off the first step.
There ws something hoding me back.

You gotta
Freak out! I'm alone now
I feel just like I'm losin' my mind
Cause love is like the right dress
On the wrong girl

I opened up the dresser to grab a hankerchief dry my eyes.
I looked in and saw something I hadn't expected. This was Steven, he'd joked before if anyone had messed with us they'd end up shot or stabbed, and even knowing that I'd never expected to see this.
On the left hand side of the drawer lay a gun.
I closed my eyes as a thought entered my mind.

You never know what you're gonna find
You think you're high and fine as wine
Then you wind up with your face in the ditch
Cause love is like a warm gun
On a cold night... yeah
Ain't that a bitch, Ain¹t that a bitch

I closed the drawer exhaling slowly. No, that was never an option. Here was my wake up call. To hell with Billie. I wouldn't trow my life away because of this. I had something to live for. Someone who cared. My true soulmate, Steven.
Pulling off my ring I placed it on the dresser.l
'it's over' I thought turning to walk away.
My life had been turned upside down, but now I'd found a reason, an answer to my questions.
It was her life, I'd done nothing to cause it, and I could move on with my life.
My new life with Steven.