FicWad

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Chapter 17 - And Not Collapse Under It's Weight
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Patrick's legs nervously tapped up and down. He looked over at the woman sitting across from him waiting for her to say something, anything. He really hated silence.

"How are you doing, Patrick?" Sue asked breaking the silence.

She watched the man squirm under the silence, and she could sense that he was a wreck. His eyes were blood shot and sunken in. Age had thrown him another 10 years in a matter of weeks.

"I've messed up," he said putting his hands through his hair.

Sue looked at him confused. She wasn't really sure what Patrick was referring to.

"How so?" she asked.

Patrick looked up into Sue's eyes and he looked so lost. Sue held her breath scared of what he was going to tell her.

"Let's just say when I went home the other day it did not go well," he said quietly.

"Patrick, it's not supposed to go well, especially right after a separation," Sue said quietly.

Sue had noticed Patrick's need for perfection, even on the first day she met him.

"I know that," he said frustrated.

Sue sat back at Patrick's tone.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," Patrick said putting his head in his hands again.

"Why don't you tell me what happened when you got home?" Sue said quietly.

Patrick looked up at Sue again and took a deep breath.

"I went home to see the kids....y'know, try and ensure that they're not being affected too much." He explained, gesturing freely with his hands.

"Ok..." Sue said softly.

"Shay was home with Natalie, and the moment I saw her I just - ....I just thought to myself that I must have been so blind to not see because when I looked at my daughter - all I saw was /him/... I can't believe that I was so stupid!" he said upset.

"Patrick, how were you to know?" Sue pointed out.

"I should have known!" he said upset.

"Hindsight is a curse...when we know the truth it makes many of the things in our life have a clarity you may never even have questioned." She explained gently.


"She was my wife! I should have been more in tune with her. I should have had some internal instinct that she was sleeping with my best friend and had his child! I should have been more available to her!" Patrick said upset allowing tears to silently cascade down his face.

Sue's heart went out to Patrick. She knew he would have a hard time dealing with Shay sleeping with his best friend.

"Patrick, I know that you are confused and angry, but you have to understand that these things happen all the time in relationships and it is very unfortunate. You are hurt and angry and for good reasons. Blaming yourself, however, is not going to help you through the process of healing and change. Right now, you need to focus on you before you can start to focus on you and Shay," Sue explained.

Patrick just stared at Sue looking more heart broken than ever.

"So tell me what happened , you said you messed up," Sue wanted him to continue.

"I don't even know how to explain what happened?" Patrick shook his head.

"Just take your time, Patrick," Sue said in a soothing manner.

"Well I tried to talk, get things moving but it just upset us both."

Sue granted a comfortable silence to his words. However no further details came.

"Patrick?" Sue asked, lowering her head slightly.

"We had sex."

"Well, ok." Sue said, ensuring Patrick didn't note her slight surprise.

"I was horrible to her....I was really horrible." He said, shaking his head slightly.

"I don't understand." Sue admitted with a friendly frown.

"I wanted it, she wanted it, we both wanted it......but after when I looked at her, I just felt disgust, not really with her, with myself because I just couldn't control myself. I treated her so disrespectfully, I just told her to get dressed....and I walked out - I don't know why! That's not me. I'm not that guy," Patrick said upset.

Sue watched Patrick struggle with his confession.

"Patrick, the feelings that you felt towards Shay are completely normal. No one can expect you to just stop loving Shay. That's not how it works. Shay knew that there was a bigger problem in your marriage than you did. She's been able to process that along the way. You just found out about this problem. There are many emotions that you are going to struggle with," Sue said leaning forward in her chair, so Patrick could hear her clearly with out any miscommunication.

Patrick nodded when Sue had put a break in her sentence.

"You are angry. That's completely understandable and acceptable. You were hurt by the two people you trusted most in the world. Of course these feelings mixed with the love that you still have for Shay are going to get cloudy and very hard for you to process. Sex with Shay was a reaction to these feelings, Patrick. It is nothing to be ashamed about, but it is something that you have to process," Sue continued.

Patrick just nodded again allowing his tears to flow freely.

"So now what do I do?" he asked quietly.

"I can't answer that question for you. That's something you need to ask yourself. What are you going to do next?" Sue asked.

"I have no idea," Patrick said looking more lost than ever.

"Well, I tell everyone that communication is the best way to solve a conflict. Maybe that should be where you start," Sue said smiling slightly.

Patrick just nodded. He was thinking. He didn't know what he was going to do next.

---

Shay had just got done telling Sue what had happened the last time Patrick had came to visit. The information about Shay and Patrick's encounter came to no surprise to her being that Patrick had already told her what had happened. This is where Sue's job got difficult. She could not disclose any information or insight that she had gotten from her session with Patrick to Shay. They had to be two completely different clients now.

"I felt used by him, but I also felt as though I deserved it," Shay said obviously upset.

"Why do you think you deserved that?" Sue asked crossing one leg over the other.

"After what I did to him? Of course I deserved it," Shay said rubbing her temple slightly.

"What feelings went through your mind after Patrick had done what he did?" Sue asked.

"Used, hurt, guilt, anger, deserving," Shay listed off her feelings.

"Those are hard feelings to process," Sue stated.

"Yeah," Shay agreed and nodded.

"Do you think that maybe those are some of the feelings that Patrick is dealing with right now?" Sue threw out a question for Shay to think about.

Shay sat thinking about what Sue had just asked. Shay was certain Patrick was feeling those feelings and much more.

"I'm sure," Shay said as a tear slipped down her cheek. "And I caused them."

"Whether you caused them or not is not the point right now. The point is that you know the difficulties that Patrick is going through trying to process these emotions. You add that in with the fact that he still is still struggling with the concept of your relationship with Pete and he's in a very dark place right now where nothing seems clear," Sue offered some insight.

Shay looked at her carefully, ingesting her every word.

"Try putting yourself in his position. He's trying to process his hurt and anger and his love towards you. He is very confused. I'm saying that what happened between you and Patrick may have been his way of dealing with his confusion. Perhaps this was his way of processing his emotions. I'm not saying that what he did was right and I'm definitely not saying that you deserved it," Sue said lightly touching Shay on the knee.

"He still loves me?" Shay asked crying.

Sue sat back and gave a sympathetic smile.

"Shay, it's going to take Patrick a while to get a grasp on what happened in his relationship with you. Love isn't something that comes and goes as it pleases. He is definitely going to be struggling with conflicting feelings towards you and his actions may be very confusing in the process. You have to realize that you were able to process your emotions about your relationship as the problems occurred. Patrick on the other hand is just learning of these problems. He's going to need some time," Sue said trying to explain as non-threatening as possible.

Shay nodded and closed her eyes processing everything that Sue had explained.

"So now what?" Shay asked.

"You know I can't answer that," Sue said sadly.

"I know. I was just hoping maybe this time you could," Shay laughed slightly and wiped her tears away.

"That's something you need to ask yourself, but I do tell many couples that the best way to solve conflict is communication. That may be a start," Sue offered.

Shay nodded and looked up towards the ceiling. She had no idea what do to next.




Patrick let himself into his house and it was quiet for a Saturday morning. He frowned, not even the TV was on, as he walked into the kitchen he saw Rory. He was on his toes, leaning to put cold water in a glass.

Rory turned and jumped slightly.

"Dad!" He gasped.

"Hey buddy, you OK?" he asked,

"Yeah, Mom's sick." He said openly, Patrick followed his young son as he went back to the bedroom. Patrick looked on the bed, Natalie and Aimee were playing, rolling around recklessly on the sheets, squealing and giggling in excitement. Rory balanced the glass of water precariously as he made his way to the bathroom.

"Daddy!!!" Aimee screamed and clambered off the bed, running up to him and wrapping herself around her father's thighs.

"Hey baby." He said, picking her up and kissing her, he could hear Rory and Shay talking in the bathroom, they were whispering frantically in spanish, he couldn't understand. He pushed open the door and frowned as he saw Shay standing up quickly. Her dull green eyes looked back at him, Rory stared too, unsure what to say because his youth couldn't process the situation.

"You're sick?" Patrick frowned.

"I'm fine." Shay said,

"Daddy can we go see Uncle Pete today?" Aimee asked, he was about to answer when the small child that had been left on the bed objected angrily.

"What??" Shay asked, Rory chuckled and hid his mouth gently as he did.

Natty squawked again and Shay laughed gently.

Patrick stepped back, it was getting crowded in the bathroom. Shay walked into the bedroom and Natalie reached up for her, attaching herself to her Mom's hip in her habitual manner.

"Ok children, let's go get breakfast." Shay said, attempting to show Patrick that everything was having to go on as normal despite his absence. Rory looked up at his Dad and Aimee looked at him too.

"We miss you Dad." He said.

"I know you do!" he whispered, he softly kissed Aimee's head, then pulled Rory close to him too.

"I miss you all so much too!"

He put Aimee down gently.

"Aimee, why don't you go help your Mom with breakfast, I just need to talk to Rory." He said, she nodded and then scurried off.

"You wanna talk?" he asked his son. Rory shook his head.

Patrick pulled him close and held him.

"You know I'm always here if you ever wanna talk, even if I'm not here, just call me and I'll always make time for you buddy."

"I know - I love you Dad." He said. Patrick kissed his son's heavy head of hair.

"Mom cries every night." He said, his eyes were too sad for an 8 year old.

"What?" Patrick asked, thinking he may have misheard.

"And I know she says it'll be OK but I know what's going on - I know you're getting a divorce, Jimmy's parents are busting up too and now I won't ever see you."

"Whoa, whoa...Rory - we're not getting divorced."

"Well how come you're not home?" he asked, a little angrily.

"Cos I need time to sort my head out."

Rory stared blankly at him.

"Mom's sick cos of the baby." He blurted out to his Dad, almost in spite because his Father was not at home to help.

Patrick stared at him.

"She told me not to tell..." Rory added.

"What?" Patrick whispered, breathlessly, something was extracting air from his lungs, quicker than he could get it in.

"She's having a baby." Rory said again.

---

Patrick walked into the kitchen where two of his kids were attempting to eat their food at a rate of knots. Shay cut up melon for Rory and he went to her side and hugged her gently.

"You ok my little prince?"

"Yeah." He sighed, she smiled and ruffled his hair and handed him a piece of melon. He sheepishly took a seat next to his sister, knowing he'd let out his Mom's secret. Patrick watched her, why was she keeping her pregnancy from him? Was it his? Or was it Pete's? Did he love her enough to care?

He also took a seat next to the kids at the table and conversed with them freely.

In fact, he spent the entire day with them at home and then he took all three of them out for burgers in the evening, giving Shay a little time to herself, it was almost reminiscent of a normal life. After tidying the hurricane aftermath of playtime with their father, she stole time for a bath and braced herself for their return.

Three small souls returned, absolutely exhausted, Shay glanced at Patrick as he came in with both Natty and Aimee in his arms.

"Did you drug them?" She asked.

"I think they overloaded on ice cream factory." He said with a little smile.

Shay gently took Natty from his arms and they steadily placed all three children to bed.

She saw Patrick standing in their living room and she cautiously approached.

"We should talk." He said softly. She stared at him.

"Please...." He added and he sat down, resigning his body to the sofa. Shay made her way to the sofa opposite and perched on the edge, her hands immediately knotting.

"You been to see Sue this week?" he asked, she nodded. He nodded too.

"I-" Patrick started, he looked at her, Shay was looking at the floor, refusing to show any pride in the actions that she had taken.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you that morning Shay." He said, the sincerity in his voice was solid. She looked up and watched his eyes, that was a good indication of the truth. He was sorry.

She didn't feel any words of acceptance of his apology would do justice, so she just nodded.

"Everything aside, you're my wife and I should not have done that...." He added.

"Patrick, it's OK." She said, stopping from showing his humility any further.

She moved uncomfortably, suddenly having Patrick in the same room as her was a privilege rather than a normality.

"What do we do now?" He asked,

"I don't know." She mumbled unconfidently.

"Do you love him?" Patrick asked her. Shay shook her head quickly.

"No." she said, letting herself cry a little.

"Did you?"

"No." She said, shaking her head again.

Patrick could feel his teeth gritting just thinking about it.

He stood up, hoping the height would give him some direction, he only paced aimlessly around the table and he sat down by her, watching her closely.

"How often was it going on?" he asked. Shay frowned at him slightly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Shay! How often were you fucking him behind my back??!" he asked angrily, she withdrew immediately.

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Then tell me!"

"It happened twice!!" she snapped angrily.

"Technically that's an affair!" Patrick scowled at her.

"Marriage has no room for technicalities Patrick , it just happened!!" Shay said angrily, standing up she walked away.

"When - Shay!"

"I'm not talking about this with-"

"-tell me when, was it when I was away? Was it easier then?" he taunted her, desperate for the detail of their relationship.

"Stop it!" she cried.

"Tell me when!!" He yelled,

"First time - 2 ½ years ago, Los Angeles, you were giving your family time to the damn album and unfortunately for me, I gave in to something I wanted very very badly - affection. Second time - 2 months ago."

"Is this one his too??" Patrick said coldly to her.

Shay stared at him.

"You're pregnant aren't you? - is this one his too?" he asked again, raising his eyebrows.

She remained shocked, her face drained a further shade and she frowned, that hurt her.

"No....No it's not his Patrick....but I wish it wasn't yours...." She said weakly.

On that honest note she walked away. No longer having the strength to cope with anything uncertain in her day any longer.