FicWad

I awoke the next morning still in Gerard's bunk but quite alone. I moved to get out when I had the feeling someone watching me.
"Morning" he said with a smile.
"Good morning, Frank" I said feeling a bit woozy. I knew I should be embarrassed waking up in Gerard's bunk, he being engaged and all, but the way my head was pounding I didn't have room for any more emotions at the moment.
"Sleep well?" he asked with a smile.
I ignored the question and stood slowly. Shit, the pounding was getting worse. Frank jumped down from his bunk. "Here" he held out his hand. There were two small white pills. "These will help."
I looked down at the pills and he laughed, "Just over-the-counter pain relievers. Gee said you would need them."
Taking the pills I walked towards the small kitchen in search of a glass of water. Ray was seated at the table reading a newspaper. He looked up and pointed towards the cabinet that held cups. I opened it, took one, filled it with water and swallowed the pills.
"We're getting to take off," He said without looking up from his paper.
I wandered back down the hall in search of my jeans. They were neatly folded at the foot of the bunk. I slipped them on and found my shoes. Once I had them on, which involved way too much bending over, I headed for the door.
"It really would have hit the fan if Eve had changed her plans and came back to the bus last night" Ray said softly.
I ignored the comment and continued towards the door.
"Don't worry Laura, we all keep Gerard's secrets."
Outside the sunshine was way too bright. I took a few steps and felt dizzy. I stopped and leaned against the side of the bus. That's were I was when Mikey and Alicia found me. "Laura, you okay?" Alicia grabbed my arm.
"Dude you look bad." Mikey said with concern in his voice.
"Gosh, thanks so much" I teased him. "You really know how to make a girl feel good." I stood up straight and tried to smile. "I'm fine really. Too many wine coolers."
"Uh, Gee wanted me to make sure you were okay. He had to do an interview this morning but said he wanted me to make sure you got back to your bus okay."
My anger flared, "Don't worry I know how to disappear the next morning. I'm headed for my bus right now."
Alicia punched his arm. "Way to go slick. That really sounded good." She turned to me. "He didn't mean it that way. He really was concerned about you."
I wanted to believe her words but it was hard. I remembered most of what Gee and I had talked about last night. At least I thought I did. The part where he said he didn't love me sure as hell has stuck in my brain.

That night I walked back to my bus with one of my fellow workers. She and I were laughing about a mix up that had occurred with the band's instruments. Frank had saved the day by making a joke out of it on stage. I liked the little fellow.
As we neared the bus I decided to sit outside and smoke a cigarette. I hadn't smoked in years but lately had taken up the habit again. There was a small picnic area not far from where the busses were parked. I walked over and took a seat on the table. Lighting the cigarette I took a deep drag and leaned back. The night sky was clear and full of stars. The air was cool enough I could see my breath.
"So have you made your decision?"
I didn't even jump when I heard Gerard's voice. I had expected him to appear. The fiancée wasn't back so it was easy for him to get away and find me. "Please go over just what it is I'm deciding again."
He took a seat next to me. "Laura, I told you last night. If you want the relationship we've been having then it's all good. If you want more then I'll have to stop seeing you." His voice held no emotion and I hated it.
"Would it bother you never to be with me again?" I tried so hard to keep any emotion from my voice.
The night seemed to close in on us. I was sure he wasn't going to answer. I began to scoot off the table when he spoke. "Yeah, it would fucking bother me."
I turned to him wishing I could see his face. It was too damn dark. I had something to say to him and I really wanted to see the look in his eyes when I said what I had been thinking about all day. I took a deep breath and began. "Gerard I've been thinking about something."
He took out his pack of cigarettes and I waited until he lit one. The red tip glowed in the darkness. "But first I have to ask a question and don't give me any bull shit about it being my one question."
The silence made me believe we were on the same page so I continued. "You said you can't love, actually you're exact words were you don't DO love."
"That's not a question that's a statement of fact." He said sounding bored.
I ignored the tone and continued. "So I am assuming that you don't love your fiancée."
"You could say that." He took a deep drag, "Where is this going?"
I held my hands in my lap to keep them from shaking. Fuck, I was nervous. "So you are marrying her to make the record company happy. To make your image better."
"Yeah, pretty lame isn't it?" He tossed the cigarette away.
"Yeah. Actually it is. She's a bitch plain and simple and she's using you." I waited to see if he voiced any reaction. The guy seemed dead calm.
"I'm using her too." He finally said.
"But my point is this...if the record company wants you to marry why her?"
"I've known her a while. Actually we used to hang quite a bit. She knows about my....tastes. She seemed the obvious choice." He pulled out another cigarette but didn't light it right away.
Oh shit, oh shit, here I go. "Gerard don't marry her. You will be miserable. If the record company wants you to marry someone then marry me." I closed my eyes as I got all the words out. Fuck, I couldn't even hear him breathing.
"Laura, open your eyes." His face was inches from mine. "You don't want to marry me."
"Why? I know about your....tastes and I accept them. I accept the fact that you can't Do love. Fuck it, I'll just say this outright. I'm a broken person. I've had one serious relationship my entire life and well, you know how that turned out. I don't want to truly love anyone ever again. But what we have is well, it's good. We tolerate each other and we have great sex. It's enough."
He was silent for a moment then said softly, "Tell me about your relationship with Alan." He lit the cigarette. I wondered why he wanted to know. "Tell me how it was before I met him."
I tried not to think about Gerard and Alan together. At least I had been trying unitl he asked. I spoke the truth, "We were together for two years. Alan and I got along great." There were way too many things about the relationship I didn't want to talk about. I just couldn't talk about.
"Tell me about the sex." His tone was almost hypnotizing.
I pulled my feet up to sit Indian style on the table. "It was okay."
"Just okay?"
He was making me angry. I didn't want to talk about his. "We didn't do it often and when we did it was awkward. Why the fuck do you want to know?"
"He never made you cum. No orgasm." I hated that he knew.
I shook my head not caring if he could see the answer or not.
"Did he blame you?"
"I believe the term 'frigid bitch' came up often." The hurt in my voice couldn't be hidden.
He gently laughed, "That's a fucking lie."
I crossed my arms for warmth, "The things I've done with you, I've never done before and I fucking like it." I hoped I sounded tough, I hoped he couldn't hear the true emotions in my voice. I was way in over my head.
His breath was hot in my ear, "Do I make you feel sexy? Does it turn you on when you see what you do to me?'
Honesty is always the best policy right? I sure as fuck hoped so. "Yeah, it does."
"If I tell you that you don't want to get mixed up with me you won't believe me, will you?" He moved closer, his leg was touching mine.
"Nope. I'm a big girl and I can handle anything." Fuck, I guess honestly had just taken a vacation.
"There are things you don't know about me. Things that could change the way you think." His arm circled my lower back.
I leaned into him. "No, there isn't."
He took another drag of his cigarette and I knew he was thinking. Finally he spoke, "It would strictly be a marriage for show. You would be mine for sex. That is all we would share."
With more certainly then I felt I replied, "Sounds good to me."
"I can be a cruel bastard, Laura. That is what I am under this pretty exterior. I will use you." He sounded so emotionless; it was almost like a robot.
"And I will use you. Remember the sex thing goes both ways." I needed to make him sound more human again, "Only bad thing is...you look much hotter in a dress than I do."
It worked, he chuckled softly. "I have to think about this." His hand reached over and tiled my face towards his. "Open you mouth and kiss me."
I did. His mouth crashed against mine. His tongue entered my mouth; this was nothing like the sweet kisses from last night. This was raw. His hand moved around to my breast and he roughly squeezed my nipple through my hoddie. I knew he was trying to inflict pain; he was trying to see how I would react. I broke away. "You want rough, we can do rough."
He set back. "Not here, not now."
I slid off the table and stood in front of him. "Decide"
He sat very still. Once more I wished I could see into his eyes through the darkness. "It will take time. I can't break up with her one day and marry you the next."
My heart was racing. He was going to do it. "I understand," I said slowly. "But in the meantime we can continue what we've been doing."
"Yeah, just like before. You know what you're getting into." He slid off the table to stand beside me. "You have no one to blame but yourself.". With those parting words he walked off into the darkness.