Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > You'll Go Out In Style
There was a silence in the room, a silence that is both pressing and gentle. Knowing Josh for so long, it was hard to not feel at a slight ease, but under the circumstances...things were very different.
" What the hell is this?! Are you fucking Ryan?!!" his voice was already hoarse. From what? I would not be able to tell. I sighed deeply and sat on the edge of the bed.
" Yes Josh. I am fucking Ryan. It's obvious isn't it?" the vein on his forehead was popping out menacingly, his face and neck growing redder and redder. He was surpressing his anger. I could see it in his eyes as he strided towards me. The look scared me and pleased me at the same time. It was like he wanted to hurt me. Hurt me so bad to feel actual physical pain. But he couldn't do it. He wouldn't.
" Why did you do this Hayley?! You're my girlfriend. We're fucking together and you're....cheating! With Ryan!!! We barely talked to him l-last n-night." he stuttered on the words slightly. Why? Maybe he wasn't exactly being faithful as well. I rolled my eyes at him.
I stood up to face him, which didn't help much since I was quite short compared to him. " Does it hurt." I said slowly and softly. His anger seemed to increase and decrease, as if taking turns. He didn't seem to understand what I had said for a moment. I could almost hear his brain thinking.
" What the fuck-" he began, but I cut him off. I placed a finger on his chest.
" Does. It. Hurt?" I stated simply. His jaw seemed to clench and unclench. He looked at me long and hard, and then he did the unthinkable. He fell to the floor. His back resting against the bed, and he cried. He cried so hard..with so much feeling. It was like he had been holding it in for so long that he just couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. This wasn't part of the plan either. He was supposed to be angry. Of course I had been sad, I had cried my share of tears after what he'd done, but never did he see me cry, and never did I think I would see him cry. I was at a loss for words as his sobs slightly decreased, but still racked his body.
My eyes darted around the room trying to find something to say, but he spoke first. " I-I'm sorry H-Hayley...I've loved you f-for so long and I thought you didn't f-feel the same way..." the anger bubbled inside me slightly.
" Didn't feel the same way?! Josh! We slept together after a week of being a couple!" I half yelled. " We told each other we loved each other even before we got together! How could you ever think that I didn't feel the same way?" the volume in my voice receded as Josh looked up at me with those eyes. God. I loved his eyes.
" It was three months later...we were working on the CD...it just seemed like we were drifting apart. We kept butting heads in the recording studio, and afterwards...you just stayed mad at me. If was like an excuse for you to stay away from me. I was confused.." six months ago I would've said bull-shit. But he made sense. So much sense. I slowly sat next to him on the floor. He was wiping away his tears quickly as if he didn't want me to see.
" I know I hurt you..but I-I didn't know..." he couldn't finish the sentence. He glanced at me, but my eyes were set on the wall opposite me. He sniffled, wiped his nose and sighed. " When you took me back..when you forgave me...you have no idea how happy I was. But I knew deep down you'd never really trust me again.." I nodded my head slowly, a sudden pang of guilt hitting me.
Josh glanced back at the tv. His eyes lowered to his hands.
" Why'd you do that?" I was surprised I even heard him, he said it so low. I looked back at the screen and remembered. Remembered everything about last night. How right it felt, how wonderful it was to feel someone else's body heat with mine. But I knew the whole reason was to hurt Josh, and though I had always known he hadn't done what he did to hurt me...what I had done was to hurt him because I knew it would. It was completely intentional. I had planned the whole thing. Josh hadn't. Josh wasn't even thinking clearly. But I was. I knew exactly what I was doing. Heck. I had recorded it.
" I wanted to hurt you.." I said slowly, almost as soft as him. " I wanted you to feel everything I had felt when I saw you with her. I couldn't handle it." Josh swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. I knew if I had kissed it, he would completely loose it, but now wasn't the time. " Josh.." he looked back at me. " We messed up..bad...really, really bad. So bad..I don't think we could-"
"-ever be together again." he finished the sentence for me, a slight smile on his face. " Ya...I understand. But..we can't let this hinder the band. We've come so far..it would be suicide to let it affect everyone else." I nodded my head. He was right. He was always right. His eyes wandered back to the tv. I reached for the remote that I had thrown on the bed and turned it off.
" How did that happen anyway?" he asked after a moment.
" I don't want to even think about it." but that was a lie. I never wanted to stop thinking about it.
" What the hell is this?! Are you fucking Ryan?!!" his voice was already hoarse. From what? I would not be able to tell. I sighed deeply and sat on the edge of the bed.
" Yes Josh. I am fucking Ryan. It's obvious isn't it?" the vein on his forehead was popping out menacingly, his face and neck growing redder and redder. He was surpressing his anger. I could see it in his eyes as he strided towards me. The look scared me and pleased me at the same time. It was like he wanted to hurt me. Hurt me so bad to feel actual physical pain. But he couldn't do it. He wouldn't.
" Why did you do this Hayley?! You're my girlfriend. We're fucking together and you're....cheating! With Ryan!!! We barely talked to him l-last n-night." he stuttered on the words slightly. Why? Maybe he wasn't exactly being faithful as well. I rolled my eyes at him.
I stood up to face him, which didn't help much since I was quite short compared to him. " Does it hurt." I said slowly and softly. His anger seemed to increase and decrease, as if taking turns. He didn't seem to understand what I had said for a moment. I could almost hear his brain thinking.
" What the fuck-" he began, but I cut him off. I placed a finger on his chest.
" Does. It. Hurt?" I stated simply. His jaw seemed to clench and unclench. He looked at me long and hard, and then he did the unthinkable. He fell to the floor. His back resting against the bed, and he cried. He cried so hard..with so much feeling. It was like he had been holding it in for so long that he just couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. This wasn't part of the plan either. He was supposed to be angry. Of course I had been sad, I had cried my share of tears after what he'd done, but never did he see me cry, and never did I think I would see him cry. I was at a loss for words as his sobs slightly decreased, but still racked his body.
My eyes darted around the room trying to find something to say, but he spoke first. " I-I'm sorry H-Hayley...I've loved you f-for so long and I thought you didn't f-feel the same way..." the anger bubbled inside me slightly.
" Didn't feel the same way?! Josh! We slept together after a week of being a couple!" I half yelled. " We told each other we loved each other even before we got together! How could you ever think that I didn't feel the same way?" the volume in my voice receded as Josh looked up at me with those eyes. God. I loved his eyes.
" It was three months later...we were working on the CD...it just seemed like we were drifting apart. We kept butting heads in the recording studio, and afterwards...you just stayed mad at me. If was like an excuse for you to stay away from me. I was confused.." six months ago I would've said bull-shit. But he made sense. So much sense. I slowly sat next to him on the floor. He was wiping away his tears quickly as if he didn't want me to see.
" I know I hurt you..but I-I didn't know..." he couldn't finish the sentence. He glanced at me, but my eyes were set on the wall opposite me. He sniffled, wiped his nose and sighed. " When you took me back..when you forgave me...you have no idea how happy I was. But I knew deep down you'd never really trust me again.." I nodded my head slowly, a sudden pang of guilt hitting me.
Josh glanced back at the tv. His eyes lowered to his hands.
" Why'd you do that?" I was surprised I even heard him, he said it so low. I looked back at the screen and remembered. Remembered everything about last night. How right it felt, how wonderful it was to feel someone else's body heat with mine. But I knew the whole reason was to hurt Josh, and though I had always known he hadn't done what he did to hurt me...what I had done was to hurt him because I knew it would. It was completely intentional. I had planned the whole thing. Josh hadn't. Josh wasn't even thinking clearly. But I was. I knew exactly what I was doing. Heck. I had recorded it.
" I wanted to hurt you.." I said slowly, almost as soft as him. " I wanted you to feel everything I had felt when I saw you with her. I couldn't handle it." Josh swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. I knew if I had kissed it, he would completely loose it, but now wasn't the time. " Josh.." he looked back at me. " We messed up..bad...really, really bad. So bad..I don't think we could-"
"-ever be together again." he finished the sentence for me, a slight smile on his face. " Ya...I understand. But..we can't let this hinder the band. We've come so far..it would be suicide to let it affect everyone else." I nodded my head. He was right. He was always right. His eyes wandered back to the tv. I reached for the remote that I had thrown on the bed and turned it off.
" How did that happen anyway?" he asked after a moment.
" I don't want to even think about it." but that was a lie. I never wanted to stop thinking about it.
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