FicWad

#63 Drive

I sit with my feet on the dashboard. Tattooing a flower head onto my inner left wrist with a blue, fine tipped, marker I had found earlier in the glove box. I’d convinced Gerard after 5 miles of persistent moaning to let me play ‘I bought you my bullets, you bought me your love’ and I hum along to it quietly while he concentrates on the road. You have to agree that it’s great driving music, especially when there is nothing but fields blurring past.
Both our windows are wound all the way down as it’s the first hot day of summer and Gerard's car doesn’t have AC. Soon enough I start fidgeting around in my seat and I know he notices but he doesn’t say anything so I’m forced to come straight out with it. “Err Gee?”
“Yeah.” He’s still concentrating on the road even though it’s just a straight stretch of tarmac with only a tractor in site, and that was in the middle of a nearby field.
“I think we may need to pull over by those trees.” I point out to the distance where a dark green smudge promises a clump of trees.
“How come?” He’s still fully concentrating on the road and I find myself getting jealous of the stupid machine we’re sat in for stealing all of his attention and stopping us from even having a semi-decent conversation about pulling over.
“I need to pee.” I whisper, unintentionally making myself sound like an embarrassed 6 year old.
“Oh Jeeze.” He sighs impatiently.
“We have been on the road for over an hour.” I point out. “And I had loads of coffee this morning.”
“Fine.” He agrees and silence resumes. I hum along to the CD again and he carries on concentrating on the road with a scowl on his face.
We reach the trees and we both get out of the car. He quickly darts behind a tree and within seconds is back. “I can’t go for you Laura.” He says as if I’m his kid sister or something.
“I know. It’s just not as easy for girls.” I explain with maybe a little more force that necessary. “Keep watch while I go in there.” I point towards a heavily bushed area.
When I’m done I walk straight past Gerard and climb into his car. I pull my legs up again and rest them on the dashboard. He climbs in a moment later after throwing away a cigarette and starts up the engine.
“I’m gunna change the CD ok?” I ask him when the silence inside the car gets suffocating. So much for a nice drive and day out to let us have some quality time together.
“Sure. I don’t see why you insisted on putting that one on in the first place.” It’s the first real sentence he’s said to me in the whole drive and it annoys me that he’s just scolding me.
“I like it Ok? Maybe if you would acknowledge my existence a little more then I wouldn’t need to listen to your voice on some fucking CD.”I throw a glance at him but he’s just staring out at the road in front of him. The only way I know he even heard what I said is that he has his jaw clenched. I flip through the CD wallets angrily. I replace my trusty My Chem CD with my Garbage CD and shut the drawer.
“For God’s sake.” Gerard grumbles when the opening to ‘Bad Boyfriend’ kicks in.
“You’ll get over it.” I reply and take back to staring out my window.
I knew that things hadn’t been great between us recently but I thought today would some how cure that. We’d have 2 and a half hours in a car together, just the two of us, and we could talk all the way. We could of had a good time at the festival/ fair type event we were driving to and then on the way back we could enjoy being a proper couple all over again. We could have enjoyed being happy again.
Apparently it’s not quite as easy as that and I guess that I knew that somewhere deep down because I wasn’t really shocked by the way things had chosen to play out.
I sing along to ‘Run Baby Run’ as we leave the country roads and join a slightly busier duel carriageway. There’s hardly any chance of getting Gerard to talk to me now. Sometimes it infuriates me how careful he is. I take a sneaky glance at him and the urge to just reach out and touch him is overwhelming. It feels like we haven’t really felt each other in months. Our skin had touched, we’d had sex, but we hadn’t felt each other, we hadn’t connected.
I’m alarmed when tears suddenly spring to my eyes I and realise that the shear quantity of them meant I wouldn’t be able to simply blink them back to non existence. For the first time in an hour and a half I try my hardest to avoid Gerard’s attention as I fish around in my bag for a packet of tissues. I turn to face the window to wipe the tears away. I concentrate on not letting anymore fall as another song starts up; ‘Why do you love me?’ Ironic really as the question running through my mind was ‘Why don’t you love me?’
“Why are you crying?” His words take me by surprise and I dither over how to answer.
“I was just… why don’t you love me any more?” I never planned on asking him but there it is lying in between us with the clutch and the gear stick and taking up so much space in the silence that follows that I forget to keep breathing.
“I do.” So why the hesitation? I’m dying to say in but I’m scared of the answer so instead I ask, “Then why won’t you even look at me?”
“I’m driving Laura.” He sounds bored and aggravated and I consider leaving it in order to keep some form of peace.
“I mean ever, not just today. Last night was had sex but you didn’t look at me once.”
“For God’s sake Laura! Maybe I was a little distracted from your face?”
“What?”
“What are you going on about?” He sounds exasperated and a red flush creeps to his cheeks as his anger rises. I feel the car gain a little more speed.
“You know what I mean we’re not the same anymore. I love you but sometimes I’m pretty sure you don’t feel the same way about me. I love you,” I repeat, “but sometimes I don’t like you very much.” I bow my head and pull my feet on to my chair. My forehead rests against my knees as I wait for him to answer. The only sounds filling the car however are the engine and Shirley Manson’s lyrics floating over guitars and drums.
“I miss you.” I whisper and this time I manage to get him to look at me. I feel more tears burning my eyes and try not to let them spill.
“Laura what’s this all about…?”
“Don’t pretend you haven’t seen it too.” I give him in reply. The emotion in my voice granting me another look from him. He actually pulls the car over and cuts the engine. He unbuckles his belt and turns to face me.
“I saw it.” He admits finally after simply looking at me for a long time.
“Thank you.”
“I want too make it right again but I don’t know where to start, I don’t know where it went wrong in the first place.”
“Me neither.” I admit. We had just sort of decayed, but my feelings hadn’t, otherwise I would have left.
“I still want to be with you Laura. I love you.” He looks me dead in the eye as he says this and for once I know he sees me and I know I’m seeing the real him. I know he’s telling me the truth.
“I love you too,” I reply, returning the eye contact, “and I want to be with you. I just don’t want to hurt.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” I look at him and I feel like I’m falling in love all over again. Painful concern is etched into every feature on his face. He cares. I think to myself, glad that I could once again truthfully believe that. I lean forward, across the gear stuck and clutch, and press my lips gently up against his. He returns the sweet delicate kiss and strokes my cheek lightly with his thumb when I pull way.
“I don’t want to loose you.” He confesses. “I need you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I promise. “Come on, we’re never going to make it there and back in one day if we stay here.”
He starts the car back up and once again I remove the CD, this time replacing it with a CD we both like (The Cure) and I see him smile as he accepts my apology.
I’m not all together surprised when Gerard turns off the motorway 3 junctions early and drives us to the nearest beach. It was a stony one so not many people where there. Most of them had gone to the much better sandy one a few miles down the road. I get out of the car and he takes my hand. We walk along the beach eating candyfloss and throwing stones into the sea. We laugh and joke and talk. He chases me along the pier and tries to tackle me to the floor. I dart out of the way and laugh when he stumbles and drops his last bit of candyfloss.
We get back to the car exhausted by laughter. We drive, chasing the horizon, and forget everything. And even if it only lasts for the one day, we feel alive again.