FicWad

The light in the corner of my room, revolving slowly was the heater I had turned on for the winter.

Though I don't think any amount of heat that came off that thing would warm me right now. Nothing would.

I stopped my slow pacing suddenly, and let one of my hands move up to push my dark brown hair back.

Have I gone crazy?

The carpet inbetween my toes itched slightly, but I chose to ignore it. I had been up all night, I just can't seem to get to sleep at all. Letting my hands drop, I started again the slow, and excruciating pacing of my room. Every step making a soft thud. Every sniffle heard, was from the small cold winter was nice enough to hand me.

Is this what some would call.. depression?

I stopped in my tracks again, and shook my head.

No. I'm not mental.. or at least that mental.

I continued my pacing once more, eyeing the carpet as if by any chance something would appear from it and grant me the wish of telling me what the hell was wrong with me, and my mind. I couldn't even sleep. Just pacing, and pacing the dimly lit room. Thoughts running through my head and metaphorically something was building up inside of me, like a bomb. Except it felt a lot more uncomfortable.

I could start a journal?

I almost mentally slapped myself. What was I thinking? That wouldn't help. Of course it wouldn't.

There's always the other alternative.

For the final time, my feet stopped moving and I froze right next to my bed. It could work. Of course there were consequences, but it could work. I sat down carefully on my bed, leaning over sightly to open my drawer. Inside was a pile of stuff. Pens, notebooks, wrappers, papers you name it, but I was looking for something in particular. Something that would fix all of my worries and problems.

It will stay with me for life.

I sighed when my fingers came into contact with the thing I had been craving for, for so long. As it came out of the drawer the light from the heater glinted off the edge, illuminating the slight redness from where it had been used before. I brought it close to me, and played with it in my fingers, examining it.

It's not healthy.

My arm stretched out, the pale scars again being illuminated as the object in my hand did. It had been two years since my last and now this... this is what I have to show for it.

All I'm doing is giving in to this weakness.

I moved the object to my skin, and gently slid it across the pale underside. My mind was then blank. It was as though all my problems had just been wiped away, like someone had just taken them and run off. Then I hissed as the stinging started to take effect, so I did it again, then a few more times. Just enough times for the message to get through to myself. The fact was, I was dominant over my own body now. I was dominant over something in my life, finally.
I glanced down, watching the blood drip quietly down my arm.

I really am sick. I just smiled.

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Beep Beep Beep Beep.

I groaned and glanced to my right, reading the flashing red numbers on the screen. 8:30. Fucking wonderful. I closed my eyes again in hope for at least a bit of sleep, until I heard a soft thud from out side, he must be awake. I stretched and sat up in my bed, rubbing my eyes gently. Last night was a fucking nightmare. As I moved my legs over the side of the bed, I let them drop and slowly padded toward the open bedroom door.
"Mikey?", I asked quietly, looking out from my doorframe. I looked around, and saw him leaning up against the far wall, rubbing his arm. He had just put on his glasses by the look of things, and was quick to jump when he caught me looking at him. He stashed his arm behind his back and smiled, walking forward to hug me and as we embraced, I made a note to mess his hair even more than it was.
"Morning sunshine.", he said. I smiled.
"Morning to you too dipshit. Didn't sleep well I take it?", I asked. He laughed slightly and shook his head.
"Not exactly. More sleep would have helped.".
"Aww." I said, kissing his cheek and hugging him again. He blushed a deep red and rubbed his eyes from behind his framed glasses.
"I might go get dressed, you should too.", he said, starting to move toward the bathroom. I nodded and walked back into my room and closing the door behind me. What the fuck should I wear today? I looked around my room at the random bits of clothing tossed everywhere and anywhere, and found an Anthrax shirt near my dressing table chair. I slipped it on and quickly found my black jeans on the end of my bed. As I was now fully dressed, I quickly sat at my dressing table and tried my best to put on some eyeliner until there was a knock at the door. I walked over and opened it to reveal Mikey dressed and ready for school ... in the exact same outfit as me. We both cracked up laughing and he ushered me to my bed and told me to sit down while he redid my make up for me.
"You're such a sweetie.", I said, as he put the stick back in the small bottle. He blushed for the second time that morning and shrugged.
"I dunno. You ready for school now?", he asked. I nodded and he took my hand as we walked out of my room and toward the kitchen.
"What are you doing?", I asked, as he picked up a paper bag from the table. He shook his head and handed it to me as he picked up our school bags from the hallway. I opened the bag and found two pieces of toast inside. Mikey and I had been campus buddies ever since we started here... but he's never done this.
"Mikey, I'm not hungry.", I said trying to hand him back the toast. He gave me the, 'i-don't-give-a-fuck-you're-gonna-eat-it' face and made his way toward the door. I followed and slowly took a bite out of the first piece, and straight away feeling a rush of guilt.
"Steph, you're too skinny. You need to eat.", He said. I stopped.
"Skinny?!", I cried. He nodded.
"It's not healthy, and I worry about you. So please.. eat?", He came forward and locked the door.
"What if I don't want to?", I asked. He stepped closer to me on the step, I could feel his breath against my skin. He went to say something, but was interrupted by Frank, our classmate, running up the steps and giving us both a big hug.
"How are my beautiful.. twins I see?", He asked, noting our matching clothes. I slightly laughed and took another bite of the toast, then as I caught a glance at Mikey from the corner of my eye as I kept walking, he smiled.