FicWad

Pete stayed with me that night, not leaving my side once. All night he would whisper how much he loved me and promised he wouldn’t leave me; not now, not ever.

I felt the vomit creep its way into my mouth with each word he spoke.

I was such a terrible person, going to hell for sure, and here was Pete telling me how imperfectly perfect I was in his eyes.

The next morning, I was released from the hospital. I must have fallen asleep on the car ride home because the next thing I knew, Pete was carrying my tiny frame into his house. I snuggled into his body as he walked steadily to his bedroom.

“Can we nap for a bit?” He asked quietly while looking down at me.

“Sure, Pete,” I smiled up at him.

He continued carrying me to his bedroom. Once we were in his room, he held tightly onto me with one arm while ripping the covers back with his free hand. Gently placing me on the bed, he pulled the covers over me as I snuggled into his pillows.

“I’m sorry for doing it again,” I whispered, feeling ashamed for my stupidity.

Pete didn’t say anything; he simply looked at me and then took off his shoes and pants before climbing into the bed with me.

I felt the tears sting at the back of my eyes; Pete didn’t believe that I was sorry. It had happened so many times now. Shit, I was like the little kid who fucking cried wolf, only I wasn’t lying. I knew that it would probably keep on happening too, until one day it would be so strong that not even the doctors would be able to wake me up.

And in all honesty, it didn’t scare me. I wouldn’t stop, because if the drugs weren’t going to kill me something else would. And I guess it was just fitting if the drugs were the ones to take me out.

The only thing that scared me these days was Pete. I didn’t want him to ever leave me, even though he had promised thousands of times that he wouldn’t. No one could deal with this shit forever; it was only a matter of time.

Pete pulled me to him and whispered in my ear, “I want you to promise me that you’ll get help.”

I sucked in a shaky breath and studied his face. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t read what he was thinking. I moved my hand up to his face and ran my finger down his cheek; I was trying to elicit any response from him I could. But he just kept his eyes on mine, his emotionless face staring back.

“I don’t want to get help, Pete,” I said honestly.

A second later his emotionless face seemed to crack, and a wave of panic washed over his features.

“Baby, I’m begging you,” Pete frantically spoke, “I need you to be safe because I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Pete seemed to hold his breath and fight back the tears that were pooling in his eyes. Shit, I felt terrible. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Actually, I’m not sure how it was supposed to be anymore, but my guess was not like this.

“We’ll talk about it later,” my tone was final and I could tell by the look in Pete’s eyes that he got the hint, whether or not he liked it.

Pete frowned slightly before bitting his lip and leaning down to softly kiss me. I smiled into the kiss, knowing that I’d won this round; I wouldn’t have to make another promised I knew I couldn’t keep. Not today at least.

Pete broke away and I looked into his lust filled eyes. I sucked in a nervous breath before Pete leaned back down and kissed me more passionately.

Despite feeling the nervousness building inside of me, I opened my mouth slightly to let Pete’s tongue enter my mouth and massage my tongue.

Well, I thought he wanted to nap?

Breaking the kiss momentarily, Pete moved so that he was now hovering over me. The tears that had pooled in his eyes were long gone, a smile now replacing his frown.

He leaned down to kiss me again, while his hand rubbed up and down my side.

I grasped at his hand, forcing him to stop rubbing my side. I didn’t want him to feel my disgusting body. Scared that he would be just as repelled as I felt whenever I saw my hips or my ribs.

My actions didn’t seem to faze Pete in the slightest. He continued to kiss me, slowly moving from my lips to my jaw and then down to my neck.

Pete’s hand moved from my hold and traveled down my body, stopping at my thigh so he could push my legs apart. Moving again, he snuggled in-between my legs, not once did he stop kissing and sucking on my neck.

I moaned slightly as Pete’s hips firmly pressed against mine. I could feel Pete’s erection starting to grow as he pushed his hips into mine and continued to suck and lick my neck.

Shit, my head was starting to spin again, my hands beginning to shake and a nervous sweat started to build on my forehead. It had been so long since Pete and I had made love. I never wanted him to see my body now, the drugs had made me sickly thin, it was repulsive.

Gasping lightly as Pete’s hand brushed across my most sensitive area and traveled up my stomach, leaving a trail of fire. My eyes rolled back a little and I could feel Pete smile against my neck.

I pushed at Pete’s shoulders in an attempt to get him to stop.

I could tell Pete knew that I was trying to stop him as his hips pressed more firmly against my own. He stopped sucking on my neck and looking into my eyes.

“I love you.”

I opened my mouth to respond but Pete’s mouth quickly clamped over it.

His kissing moved back down my neck, but continued until he got to my shirt-covered chest. I could feel his hand tugging at the bottom of my shirt, and before I had time to process what he was doing, my shirt had been pulled over my head and thrown carelessly to the ground.

My breathing started to quicken, Pete must have assumed it was due to lust rather than nervousness and hastily removed my bra. Fuck, I needed to get out of this situation. I could start to hear my heartbeat echo through my head again. Pete’s mouth moved to one of my nipples, his tongue running over it before he began sucking on it. His free hand absentmindedly pinching and rolling my other nipple.

“Pete, I don’t want to,” I stuttered out apprehensively.

Tears began to sting the back of my eyes again, threatening to spill over any minute. I felt so exposed and vulnerable right now. I hadn’t let Pete see my body in so long, I was terrified that any moment now he would notice my ribs and hips protruding out and he’d be so disgusted at what he saw.

“Please, baby,” Pete begged, “we haven’t made love in months. I just want to feel you again.”

“I’m disgusting,” I whispered, closing my eyes tightly.

“No you’re not,” Pete sounded shocked, “you’re beautiful. If you were disgusting, would I have this?” Pete wiggled his hips against mine, making his erection more obvious.

I opened my eyes and was met with his intense stare. I giggled softly as Pete continued to wiggle his hips. Upon hearing my laughing, Pete broke into a big smile.

Even though Pete had always told me I was beautiful, I couldn’t help but feel that he was lying. I mean, no one could possibly think a bag of bones was beautiful.

Pete quickly resumed sucking on my neck, his hands roaming down my body, fingering the waistband of my sweatpants.

I started to panic, and in an attempt to get Pete to slow down and I reached for the bottom of his shirt and began slowly pulling it up his torso. My fingers lightly ran over his stomach, I could feel him tense up at my touch. Shit, it felt amazing that I still had that effect on him.

A wave of passion suddenly coursed through my body. I tore Pete’s shirt over his head.

He quickly leaned down and began kissing me, groaning against my lips. Groaning once more, he hastily removed the rest of our clothing. Fuck, I felt the room begin to spin, my breathing getting even quicker. I brought my shaky hands up to Pete’s head and lightly ran my fingers through his hair.

Without warning, I felt Pete slowly push himself inside of me. The feeling was overwhelming; it had been so long since I’d let Pete touch me in any way.

The pace started out painfully slow, but after a few minutes Pete began thrusting harder and faster into me.

I moaned into Pete’s mouths as I brought my hips up to meet his thrusts.

Shit, I could feel my orgasm starting to build inside of me.

Pete’s hands seemed to be everywhere, his voice constantly in my ear.

“I love you so much,” he whispered.

As soon as the words left his mouth, the sensations Pete was giving me disappeared and a feeling of guilt took over my body.

He’d told me he loved me all the time, but it never really clicked until this moment. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. How could someone possible be in love with a sad excuse for a person like me?

The guilt started in the pit of my stomach and worked its way throughout my entire body. I knew I could never love Pete as much as the drugs. I wanted so badly to love him more, but he could never be there for me like the drugs were. He was always gone, the drugs had never once left me.

A moment later I felt Pete explode inside of me.

Another wave of guilt hit me; my head had been elsewhere while Pete was showing me exactly how much he loved me.

Pete pulled me into his arms and whispered, “you didn’t come.”

I closed my eyes tightly, “I’m sorry, Pete.”

“You were thinking about those fucking drugs,” Pete’s tone was hurt and it scared me to think he knew me so well.

“I’m sorry, Pete.”

“No you’re not,” Pete let go of me and climbed out of the bed.