...now, but I can't, and I don't know how we're just two men as God has made us. Well Ican't... well, I can! Too much, too late or just not enough of this pain in my heart for your dying wish. I'll kiss your lips again...
I couldn't handle it; it was too much for me.
I went through the house, to the front door and, after grabbing Emma's car keys from where they were hanged, ran out the front door.
I had to get away and fast.
I got in the car, backed out of the driveway, and drove.
I drove and drove not going anywhere, just wanting to get away from the world.
I replayed what had just happened through my head over and over again, asking myself why I had acted like such an ass.
He finally told me how he felt and all Icould do was look pathetic and say that I couldn't... couldn't what? Couldn't tell him the truth? Couldn't bare see his face or take his pity when he knew what had happened to me? Couldn't let him tell me how he felt? Couldn't say it back? WHAT?
I could have and I wanted to.
I wanted to tell him everything; maybe that way I could really forget it. I wanted to hug him and I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay, for him to understand me and not hate me like he probably does now...
But most of all I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me.
Tears fell down my face, blurring my vision. I wiped them away clumsily with hand, making me swerve slightly into oncoming traffic. I corrected the steering wheel in time, but the car I nearly hit passed me yelling out of his window and flipping me off, but I didn't care at all.
I hated what was happening to us... from best friends to two strangers that can't even talk to each other anymore.
I couldn't take all this pretending anymore. I pretended I didn't care about what was going on between us, Ipretended that the kiss I gave him was fake, I pretended that nothing mattered... I pretended all fucking day when all I wanted to do was run up to Gee and tell him everything, and hope he didn't hate me for it. But I was too afraid... too afraid to face the past.
I tightened my grip on the steering wheel stepped harder on the gas pedal, urging the car on. I didn't know where I was exactly but I was going south on some highway.
"Magic... fireworks," he had told me, which shocked me because I had felt the exact same thing, and still, I denied it!
Oh my god... what have I done? Gee opened his heart to me and I fucking ran away! What must he be thinking now? He probably thinks I hate him or something... when I love him more than anything.
I sped on, passing all of the cars and receiving some more angry shouts and honks as I swerved from one lane to another, trying to leave everything behind. It was getting dark and I wondered if the guys were worried about me. I had left without telling anyone I was leaving or well I was going to... of course I wouldn't have been able to answer that last question... /I could've said 'I'm going south on the highway to hell'/, I thought gloomily. It sure as hell felt that way...
Gee would be worried about me too...
What is he doing now? Crying for me? Looking for me? Or worse?
Then I remembered the time of his depression when he became alcoholic and got into tons of problems with drugs... he even tried to commit suicide once... I was so scared for him; I couldn't imagine my life without him. There were times when I had seen him high on whatever he had taken, and he was just as soon laughing as he was bawling like a baby... It was so hard for him to give that all up and be clean. It had made my heart ache to see him suffer so much... Mikey almost couldn't stand it either.
Ever since then we had to be careful with him.
Then it hit me: he started drinking and taking drugs when he was depressed... I pictured his distressed face and his eyes filled with tears... and how I had left him there alone.
Oh my fucking god, what have I done!
I jerked the wheel to a side, pulling the car over. Cars passed beeping angrily but all I could think about was Gerard.
When no more cars were coming, I made an illegal u-turn and drove as fast as I could to Emma's house, crouched furiously over the steering wheel and gripping it so tightly my knuckles were white.
Please let him be with the guys... please let him be okay... please! I begged the whole way.
I was afraid for his life.
...what's the worst to take from every heart you break? And like a blade you stain, well, I've been holding on tonight...
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