A/N: I own none of this. Honest. Nope, not me. Also none of the other characters who appear. Everything and everyone belongs to someone else. Thus is the story of my life.
A/N2: Ok, I wasn't going to do this particular set of cameos, but so many people have asked for it, here it comes.
Harry Potter and the Trademark Dispute.
Chapter 9 - Big Trouble in Little Hangton
"Hello Hermione." Said Luna, when she came up behind the bushy haired witch in the 3rd floor girls' Lav.
"Hello Luna." Hermione said, brushing out her hair in preparation for her evening 'Strategy Session' with Harry. "What are you up to tonight?"
"I thought I'd join you and Harry." She reached over and plucked a hair from Hermione's brush, and stuffed it into a vial of potion. "I saw how that Zantanna woman was walking after her 5 hour 'conference' with you and Harry and I said to my self, I gotta get me some of that." She tipped the vial back and took a sip. In a matter of seconds Hermione found herself looking herself in the eye. "I've got enough for about 6 hours. AND another vial with one of my hairs. Wanna be me?"
"Not this time, lets see what Harry thinks."
They found him in the room of requirements, where they dropped their robes to display they were wearing matching suspender belts and, stockings and Stiletto heels. Before the door closed completely so that the silencing charm could take effect the entire castle heard his reaction:
"BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER!"
Hermione was finished with classes for the day and having left her book bag in her Head Girls suite, she was heading down to the Great Hall for dinner. As she was passing a classroom, she was hauled through the door. Inside she was confronted by most of the 7thand a good portion of the 6th year girls.
"What is it?"
"We want in Granger." said Daphne Greengrass.
"What do you mean in?"
"You've been sharing Harry." Explained Hannah Abbott. "First with that woman who dressed like a whore, then with Luna. We want in."
"Sorry Hermione, I just couldn't quit grinning. That told my fellow Ravenclaws something was up, and they wouldn't let it go until I told them."
"Harry isn't a piece of meat to be traded back and forth. Besides most of you have Boyfriends."
"Pureblood Boyfriends." Complained Pansy.
"Who are either too simple to know what to do, or are too self absorbed to do anything more than worry about themselves and ignore our needs." Added Susan.
"Damn it Hermione." Said Padma."There are only a few guys who know what they're doing here, and most of them would freak totally out if any of us brought another girl with us. You've got to share, it's only fair."
"Fair? How is it fair?"
Most of us are bound to marriage contracts with these clueless wonders, meaning that after we leave school, we end up with them forever without ever getting anything like you've been getting. Oh and By the Way, work on your silencing charms. They seem to fail when you get real loud."
Hermione attempted to look shocked and embarrassed by this news.
"I still don't see what this has to do with..."
"We'll pay." Interjected Lavender.
Something inside Hermione's head went click, followed very shortly by a loud cha-ching!.
Riddle entered his throne room to find a tall thin man in abutterfly costume. Riddle pulled his wand "Cruc..." He suddenly felt the metal barrel of a pistol pressed against the back of his head.
"Monarch, it's the clown who's currently using this lair"said an extremely deep gravelly voice.
"Look Rupple... It is Rupple isn't it? The Guild has you slated for termination, and good lairs are hard to come by, I filed for intent to assume residence after you, uh shuffle on, so I'm just here taking a few measurements. I'll be out of your way in an hour or so."
"He's clean, just a stick of some kind." The speaker was awoman, a woman in a pink suit with a pill box hat that reminded him of the wife of a past American president with a voice that could easily be mistaken for a60 year old 5 pack a day smoker.
"Look buddy, don't start any trouble, I borrowed a little muscle for security on this gig, and believe me when I tell you that starting trouble is the very last thing you would ever want to do."
Riddle's eyes burned with fury "Listen Butterfly"
"You said 'listen Butterfly'. I am the Monarch."
"Fine." What was he going to say? Oh Yes. "Listen Monarch, you've made the greatest mistake of your life. Also the last!"
"Ok, fine. You want trouble, you'll get the Walking Swedish Murder Machine. Oh Brock."
"Yeah Monarch?" A tall man with a blond mullet stepped out of the shadows wearing fashions at least a decade old, he was smoking.
"This tool is looking to start trouble, you mind dealing with it?"
"I laugh at your security Butterfly man. Crucio!"
The sickly yellow beam leaped from his wand and struck Samson in the chest. He didn't fall, he didn't scream. He did develop afacial tic as his left eye blinked uncontrollably. From a scabbard on his hip he drew a 14 inch K-Bar combat knife, and bad things started to happen to the few remaining Death Eaters.
"Oh my god!" said Dr. Girlfriend in her signature gravelly Baritone.
"Yeah. It's good not to be on the receiving end of that for a change. You got the measurements Pookie?"
"Yes. Let's go."
Bellatrix entered the room quietly while Brock was otherwise occupied. She raised her wand and cast 'Avada Ke..."
"I do not think so" said the tall woman with the eye patch as she broke Belletrix's hip with a kick. She continued in heavily accented English"Brock Samson is far too perfect a man to fall to one such as you." She knelt next to the screaming woman. "Something tells me you have killed far too many innocents to be allowed mercy. Goodbye. She drove her sai through Bellatrix's temple, and the screaming stopped.
Brock had finished with the last of the Death Eaters and lobbed the man's head into Riddle's lap. "I'd kill ya, but the Guild has claimed that for themselves, wouldn't do to piss off the Guild."
"Stay out of the Monarch's way, and don't even think about bothering anyone at the Venture compound, or I might get upset with you."
For the first time since he was 4 and still living at the orphanage, Riddle soiled himself.
"Ooh, blind folded. What ever will you do with me Hermione?"
"Just a new little game love. You'll like it a lot."
"The only thing bad about the blind fold is I don't get to see your new look, it looks good on you... Though the cane and the hat with the big feather is an odd look."
"Just experimenting with a new look." She guided him to the door. "I'm not feeling well to night, but I found you some playmates." She smacked him on the butt as he went in the door.
Three Hours Later:
"That was amazing" marveled Daphne Greengrass. "you're alucky girl."
"Glad you liked it." Hermione smiled. "I believe we agreed to 50 Galleons, each."
"Well worth it." Said Pansy as she paid. "Only one complaint. It's hard to get into the "Female Death Eaters torture the Chosen One" game when he keeps yelling "Yippee!", "Woo Hoo!" and "Best Girlfriend Ever!". Ask him to work on that."
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