FicWad

The room had grown dark and I moved to turn on the bedside light.
“No, don’t,” said Gerard’s strangled voice. “Leave it off.”
I sat back down on the bed and waited.
“Her arms were around me but she was so fucking cold.” He lowered his head into his hands. “At first I remember thinking I was still drunk and that none of it was real. Shit, I thought I was having a fucking nightmare. Then Ray walked in and started screaming at me. I sat up and that’s when I saw the blood. The knife was laying beside her, the wound was in her chest.” He rocked back and forth. “So much fucking blood.”
I couldn’t speak. There were so many questions. So many answers I was afraid to hear.
“I totally lost it, I went crazy. I jumped up, walked across the room then backed into the corner. I remember sliding down the wall into a heap. Ray just stood looking at her body. He was shaking. I remember sitting there and chanting to myself ‘this ain’t happening, it’s not real.’” I closed my eyes; I couldn’t look across the room at her. Then I heard Ray voice. He had picked up a piece of paper off the bedside table and started to read it and told me. It had been written by Merri.”
As I watched he continued to rock back and forth as he talked. I was afraid he was losing it again. “She left a fucking note telling me how much she loved me. That she was sorry that she wasn’t a whole person so that I could have loved her. Fuck, Laura. She fucking killed herself right beside me but I was too fucking drunk to know. Too fucking drunk to stop her.” His sobs tore at my heart. “Ray walked over to me and told me to get up. He told me I had to fucking get myself together. I know we were both in shock but he was stronger than me. He told me we had to deal with what had happened.”
“You didn’t call the police did you?’ I began to understand.
“We had just signed a major record deal. We both knew that the band would be dropped when the story came out. Fucking lead singer drunk while a girl committed suicide beside him in bed. Fuck, we cared more about the fucking band then a human being. What kind of a fucking man am I? Everything the band has, all the fame, it’s all built on a lie. A fucking lie.”
I closed my eyes. Now I completely understood the guilt that was eating him alive. I understood why he loathed himself. He blamed himself for her death. He blamed the band he loved for existing. “Gerard, you and Ray made a choice. You didn’t just cover up her death only for yourself. You did it for the rest of the band.”
“Doesn’t make me a fucking saint Laura, Yeah, there was the band to consider but I was saving my own ass. I screamed that my whole life was fucked because of her. What the hell kind of a monster am I? Merri was dead and all I could think of was my own life and how it would affect it.”
He looked up at me his eyes haunted, “Ray took over. He told me to get a grip and shut the fuck up. He told me he would take care of the mess I had made of my life.”
“What did he do?” I asked in a whisper.
“He took her body out into the Pine Barrens, buried it in a shallow gave and covered it with lime. He hid every trace of her death. We even burned my mattress and sheets because of the blood. A human life, Laura. To us her death wasn’t as important as the band. How fucked up is that? Tell me, damn it, how fucked up is that?”
I struggled to answer, “Gerard how many times have you heard your fans say the MCR saved their lives? There is something undeniably unique about your band. It’s not bullshit it’s the truth. If Merri’s death had caused the band never to be who would have helped those kids?”
He shook his head, “That still can’t make it right.” His tone now sounded dead.
“She killed herself, Gerard. But she didn’t do it to hurt you. She was stopping her own pain. I don’t believe she would have ever wanted to hurt you. You can’t let her death hurt you now. You can’t let it hurt the others in the band. You have to let it go. There is no way to go back and change the past. You have to let it go.”
“I don’t think I can, Laura. Helen thinks her daughter ran away. She still believes that some day she’ll come home.” His voice shook, “But she’ll never come home.”
I could no longer stay away. I crossed the room, kneeled in front of him and pulled him into my arms. “Do you think it would be better if she knew her daughter killed herself? Would that be better than believing she had left?”
His tears were hot against my skin, “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
Suddenly I understood that I knew part of the story that Gerard did not. “We need to talk to Ray.”
He raised his head, “What? Why?”
“Gerard, why was Ray there?”
He shook his head, “I don’t know. I never asked I just assumed he had stopped by to see me. What difference does it make? If he hadn’t shown up I don’t how I would have handled it all. All these years he has taken care of things. Made sure that I kept it together.”
“That’s why you drank so much, isn’t it?’
“I couldn’t take the pain, the guilt.”
“And Ray stood by while you drank.”
“He understood why. He understands that I blame myself for not helping her before it was too late.”
“Ray has never let you forget what happened.” I said sadly.
Gerard was confused, “He can’t let me forget. All of this was my fucking fault.”
“We need to talk to Ray,” I said again. “There is part of the story he needs to tell.” I walked over to the dresser and picked up Gerard’s phone. He had put his head back down in his arms. Ray answered quickly.
“Ray we need to talk to you.” I said.
He must have heard the urgency in my voice, “What’s wrong?”
“Just get over here.” I hung up before he could ask any more questions. I turned off the phone and sat it back down. We waited for Ray in silence.

I answered his knock on the door quickly. Gerard was still hunched over in the chair.
“What happened?” He said pushing me aside and looking over at Gerard.
“He told me about Merri” I said in a calm voice.
Ray’s anger exploded, “What the fuck? Gerard what the fuck were you thinking?” He crossed the room to where Gerard sat.
“Ray, he told me his part of the story. Now tell yours.” The sound of my voice made both men look at me.
“What do you mean?”
The anger I felt was intense, “All these years you’ve let him carry the guilt of this alone.”
“No I haven’t, I was there. How hard to you think it was for me? I had to drive her dead body out past Chatsworth to the Pine Barrens. I’m the one who buried her. I handled the fucking mess he’d made.” He stopped then added softly, “I buried Merri. I put her in the ground.” His voice was laden with pain.
“But the guilt he felt from believing he didn’t help her. What about you, Ray? Do you feel any guilt? Why didn’t you hear the desperation in her voice?”
Gerard spoke up, “Ray hardly knew her. He had only seen her a few times.”
Ray was staring at me. “Ray, tell him the truth.” I demanded
Gerard stood and walked over to us. “What is she talking about, Ray?”
“How do you know?” he whispered, “How?”
“It’s not important how I know, just that I know.”
Ray continued to stare at me.
“You’ve stood by and watched the guilt eat him alive. You’ve watched it ruin every relationship he’s had. Why?”
Ray’s face took on a look of pure hatred, “Why should he have a good relationship? He fucked her up mentally and he fucked her physically. He just couldn’t leave her alone. He had other girlfriends but he always had to have her too.” He turned on Gerard; “I fucking hated you for that.”
Gerard recoiled as if he’d been slapped. “I don’t understand.”
“Ray was in love with Merri. He was the man she talked about.” I said softly to Gerard.
“Yeah, I was the man she was with but not the man she loved. That was you fucker.”
“You and Merri?” Gerard couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She didn’t want me to tell you so I didn’t. I would have done anything for her.” He stopped and his face fell, “I loved her so much but all she wanted was you. She came to you and you let her die”
I spoke up. “Both of you have to let this go. You’re slowly letting this eat away at everything you have.” I put my hand out to touch Ray’s arm. “Do you love Christa?’
The question caught him off guard, “Yeah, I love her. She brought love back into my life.”
“She knows something is wrong. She knows something happened but she’s been afraid to ask you. She’s afraid you’ll leave her.”
He looked devastated, “I would never leave her.”
“Then you have to decide what you’re gonna tell her cause she knows something in the past really fucked you and Gerard up.”
“She told you that?”
I nodded, “Yeah, she told me that.”
Ray collapsed into the nearest chair. “Fuck”
“This has got to stop. The past is over, done. No going back. Both of you have a chance for love and happiness.” I looked at Gerard, “Don’t lose it, don’t lose this chance. It has been four years. No one will ever know what happened.” I looked at Ray, “You need to decided what you’re gonna tell Christa and make sure we are on the same page. If you decide to tell her the truth that is totally up to you. But it will end there. This has to end there. This can’t go on any longer.” I took a step towards him, “And you have to let Gerard live. Stop punishing him for not stopping something that you couldn’t stop.”
I left both of them sitting in silence. Lost in the past. “I’m gonna go for a drive. You both need to talk.” I turned and walked out tears streaming down my face. My mind was so overloaded with emotions it was crippling. I knew now what had happened. So why, I asked myself, did it seem my mind trying to put together a puzzle that was still missing a piece?