Categories > Movies > Underworld > The Mangling Begins

The Unkindest Cut of All

by Ithilwen 0 reviews

The good news: Underworld is going to appear on American TV! The bad news: It's being edited by the same guys who did "Sailor Moon" and "One Piece." Not for the squeamish. Scriptfic.

Category: Underworld - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor, Parody - Characters: Erika, Kraven, Lucian, Michael, Selene, Viktor, Other - Warnings: [!!!] - Published: 2005-12-30 - Updated: 2005-12-31 - 356 words

This story first appeared on the IMDB database. You can read it here:

Other contributors to the original version include madwitch61, BADfaerie and Chipmonkay819. Any inclusion of their work in this cut will be done with permission and cited in its particular chapter.

I can't speak for the others, but I'm confident that they'd join me in saying that none of us own Underworld or its characters or settings. For that we thank Len Wiseman, Danny McBride, and Kevin Grevioux and of course Ralph Flores Junior, gaffer.


(Scene: Budapest. Night. Dark clouds gather above the city as the clean rain turns foul. Distant thunder nears. The very air begins the shake as the stones of the city seem to rebel against a force too unnatural to name!)

(A dark figure coalesces from the chaos, shakes himself off and says...)

EDITOR: Time to sanitize Underworld for American TV!

In Underworld USA...

LUCIAN: Viktor feared a blending of the species, feared it so much that--

EDITOR: Ap! You can't talk about Sonja or any blending that doesn't involve fruit smoothies.

MICHAEL: Why not?

EDITOR: Because that implies SEX.

LUCIAN: Look, Sonja dying is a big part of my motivation, not to mention being a trigger cause for this war. Plus, she was my wife. Of course we had sex!

EDITOR: Oh, and now would be a good time for you to say that extra line I wrote you.

LUCIAN: (reading script) "After we let the previous candidates go, Michael, we redoubled our search for..." What is this?

EDITOR: Well we can't have the little ones figuring out what you really did to those guys.

MICHAEL: Wait... What did you do with the other humans you captured?

LUCIAN: (Ignoring him) No way am I reading this travesty!

MICHAEL: About my question..?

EDITOR: As you wish. Hey guys! Cut the character Lucian.

LUCIAN: Huh? Who's he talking t-- (vanishes in a puff of non-logic)

EDITOR: My work here is done. (Leaves)

MICHAEL: (still chained to gurney) Uh... Help?


More to follow. No, it won't make much more sense than this.

-- Ithilwen / Darkfrog 24
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