FicWad

Chapter Twelve

Kaith was just a few steps before him. In another moment he could catch up to her so he increased his speed and ran. Improbably, she did not glance back but ran faster herself, drawing ahead of his reaching fingertips. His were the longer legs; he should have been able to outpace her with little effort, but he was panting and struggling to gain on her when he suddenly began to fall.

The left leg had crumbled and there was nothing left but the powdering of rust and the arm on that side was also falling apart as he watched. Was it rust or blood? In the lurid light, he could only tell it was reddish, not whether it was solid or liquid or even if it existed as more than a phantasm. As he continued to fall, the figure ahead of him turned and gazed into his face. It was not Kaith; it was someone else - a woman with a stern, cold, calmly impassive countenance. He recognized her with a great surge of familiarity which shook him violently. It was Death, the eternal object of his desire. She had not abandoned him but was there waiting for his embrace. She would take him to her and give him the fulfillment he had despaired of. Calling forth all his strength, he threw himself toward her welcoming arms.

He landed heavily on his side and was jolted from his delirium thronged sleep by a thunderclap of pain which struck him, obliterating all other sensations.

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"Are you all right? Do you need medication?" He felt the presence of a figure bending over him, murmuring soothingly.

"Kaith?" Still half in the grip of the dream, he mentally groped for the woman his waking mind knew was dead. "Kaith?"

He had drifted in and out of awareness, pursued by and chasing the ghosts from his past. The reek of blood and decay caked his nostrils and he, when he could form a coherent thought, wondered if he was being punished for the evils he had done - were pain and mutilation an adequate expiation for his more egregious acts? Was this the reason he had not been permitted to die? He felt the flesh burning from his bones, leaving him weakened and incapable of fighting back against the dreams. ... Slowly the darkness parted and he became aware of the words the living woman uttered.

"I'm Grayton, the nurse. Can I get you something? Do you want me to call someone?" A competent hand wiped his face with a damp cloth. "You must have rolled over on this side. The bands are supposed to prevent that." She drew back the sheet and tightened the soft straps across his chest and thighs, the bindings he had almost forgotten until she touched them.

"No. Turn on the lights. I'm awake now." He greedily swallowed water from the cup she held to his lips. "Did I make a noise?"

"Yes, it must have hurt when you turned. Are you sure you don't want some pain medication? There's a Healer on call, you know."

"It's not that bad." The shortness of his breath belied his words. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. You're not Al Bhed, are you?" He peered into her blue eyes.

Grayton grinned widely, the expression illuminating her rather homely face and bringing across it a momentary mask of beauty. "Naw. Not all of us here are. Mostly the surgeons. The rest of us are plain old Spiran. Do you want to try to eat something? You haven't had anything by mouth in a long time." She bounced a little in her desire to do anything to help.

"Not right now. Maybe a little later. I think I'll try to go back to sleep. You can turn off the lights." He heard the heavy sigh of relief as she hurried to accommodate him and smiled grimly. So, he was still scaring people, as helpless as he was.

Experimentally, he tried to move his right arm only to find not just the limb as a whole held firm but his wrist separately strapped to the bed. A quick flash of fury ran through him then receded. Resigning himself to the enforced immobility, he turned his thoughts to the dream which had recently possessed him.

It was no surprise he had become Deathseeker again. Even before the battle with Sin, the effort to reroute his destination had been going wrong. It was surprisingly comfortable to return to this more familiar pursuit. But there was a definite change in his attitude now. Before, his passion for Death had been almost a romantic schoolboy fantasy of heroism and celebrated sacrifice. Oh, he had dressed it up with rationales, all the vestments of a tragic past and a debt of honor, still it had been more of a vision than a settled reality. Now, he had reason for the hunt. He had been broken and patched back together as well as could be managed and it was not enough. He had been altered irrevocably by his second encounter with the demi-urge. There was nothing remaining to make continued living worth it to him. He would be useless as a Warrior, the only profession for which he had been trained. He dimly suspected the Al Bhed meant to use him as an ambulatory advertisement for their wares if things went well. This was unacceptable. All other paths were blocked; only the road to Nothingness was open to a creature such as he had become. That confronted and recognized, he set the matter to one side and and instructed his mind to dream of Kaith and happier days. It comforted him to believe that Nepetu still lived.

His rebellious brain would not submit, still remaining restlessly tied to wakefulness by the cord of a discomfort periodically transforming into great pain. Also the transition from autonomy to dependence was a nagging distraction to him, attacking as it did his pride as well as his privacy. He felt himself to be a prisoner of his own body, a mind trapped in a carapace of useless flesh condemned to an existence of scrabbling for what dignity he could salvage from the wreckage of what once had been. He gave another tug at the ties holding his wrist and snarled wordlessly.

Nooj accepted intellectually that all which had been visited upon him was done for benign reasons, in order to benefit him. But in his inner being, he perceived it as an invasion; he resented the idea that other beings should make decisions which impinged so intimately on his private preserves and dictated the shape or even existence of his future.

Concentrating on his anger had succeeded in putting the pain aside and had helped him ignore it. As he became more agitated, he was also increasingly aware of a dual sensory input from his left side. He could still feel his destroyed limbs - from their points of origination in his torso to the smallest joint of his fingers and toes - all still throbbing and aching. He had seen they were gone but he felt them and could not dismiss that sensation. At the same time, the increased weight of the metal and ceramic replacements tugged at him, pulling relentlessly at the sutures which held them in place.

"Grayton!" He called, glad to hear his voice steady and clear. "Grayton."

She was there in an instant, looking anxious. "Here I am. Can I help?"

"Can you find some small pillows to lift the ... things over there just a little?"

"You mean the prostheses? Sure." She bustled away and returned with an armload of little cushions. With deft movements, she slipped them under the far edges of the machina limbs, bringing them up more level with his body. "Is that better?"

In fact it was better although the adjustment had been agonizing. "Much better but I think you can call the Healer for a small pain spell if it's not too much trouble." The admission of weakness was almost as hard to bear as the stabbing sensations which occasioned it.

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Aquelev stood quietly and watched his patient/friend sleep. Emotions seemed to flicker across the livid waxy features like shadows on a screen. With the sheets drawn up to his neck and the implants covered, Nooj looked like what he was - a resting Warrior, a little thin and pale for one of his profession but still a force to be reckoned with.

The Al Bhed felt like an intruder, as though he should not be watching as the other lay unaware and thus unprotected. It was an invasion of privacy which he knew would be particularly repugnant to this uniquely self-contained man. With an impulse born of delicacy he turned away and stared out the window across the teeming city of Luca.

A slight sound from behind him made him turn back to the bed. Nooj's eyes were open and he was trying to moisten his lips with a dry tongue. Aquelev hurriedly lifted the glass of water waiting on the table and held it for his friend to drink.

"Do you think you could possibly take these damnable straps off me? I would like to be able to scratch my nose and get my own drink when I'm thirsty." Nooj demanded querulously when he had drunk.

"Of course, they were just there to keep ... while you were ..." he fumbled for an explanation which did not sound patronizing. While speaking, he unbuckled and untied the bonds, grateful for an excuse not to meet the accusing glare of his patient.

"Until you could trust me not to do something careless or to deliberately sabotage your work, that's what you mean I think. And what is that thing you have stuck in my arm?"

"It's just a saline solution to replace some of the fluids you lost. I'll take it out now you're awake."

"From the feel of it, you have another one of your omnipresent tubes fixed to take out any fluids I no longer need. Is that to come out as well?

"Er ... not just yet. I don't think you're quite up to managing that on your own yet." Aquelev blushed fiercely as he fixed his gaze on his fingers disconnecting the intravenous line. "Soon, though."

"Are you of the impression it takes two hands to manage the disposal of excess fluids from the body?" Nooj was obviously hunting a reason for outrage.

"You might find it inconvenient while lying flat on your back. That tube isn't doing any harm; forget it." The Healer thought it time to exercise his medical authority. "Face it, Nooj. You're still weak and not back to your usual self. Let us take care of you for a while. The eye specialist will be in this morning and see about some lens. Then we'll bring in some books and spheres to help you pass the time."

Nooj exploded, trying to lever himself up off the mattress. "Pass the time! What do you think I'm planning to do? Lie here and get fat like a eunuch? Get the damned experts in here to help me up. I'll find my own entertainment. I'm not an invalid!"

His outburst ended in a howl of pain as he pulled against the immobile weight of the machina limbs. They tethered him as firmly as any straps. With the incisions as yet unhealed, it was folly to move against them. Nooj instinctively tried to ease the agony by wrapping his surviving arm and hand around the source of the pain but the additional pressure only made things worse and he felt himself falling into darkness when an analgesic spell flowed soothingly over his nerves. At the same time, he felt his bladder empty from the stress and was grateful for the tube which preserved him from the humiliation of pissing himself.

Aquelev, watching carefully to determine if more intervention would be required, surmised what had happened. Wisely, he held his tongue. "Do you need more relief?' he asked blandly.

"No." Nooj gritted his teeth and gasped for breath. "Yes. A little." He held himself rigid lest another motion set off a second earthquake of pain. The echoing effects of the first were still producing aftershocks which rocked him to his depths. With an effort of will, he began to consciously relax the locked muscles and try to surmount the throbbing which permeated his entire left side including the limbs he knew no longer existed.

"I'm sorry, Nooj. I know how hard this is for you but you must be patient. You nearly died back there and you can't expect to just skip past all the healing you have ahead of you. First you have to get over the implanting surgery and then you have to learn how to use the new arm and leg. It's going to be a long road and it will take all your courage and strength to walk it." The Al Bhed spoke firmly but with decision. "I can help by keeping you as comfortable as possible but you have to stop fighting me and the rest of the medical staff. I will be here to ease your pain whenever you need me. Just ask."

Nooj stared over his friend's shoulder at the blank wall behind. "You talk about a long journey. And where will that journey end? What will I be if I give you and others my complete co-operation? At the end of the road I will still be a cripple, a monstrosity and a freak. You say I nearly died. Has it even occurred to you that death would have been better for me? You have suspected what I was for a long time. Why did you rob me of my fate?" His voice grew increasingly bleak and tired until he was almost whispering. "I have hunted Death all my life since I was a very young lad. Then when I found Her, you and your self-righteous do-gooders pulled me from Her embrace and forced me to live. You took me for your experimental beast - oh yes, I understand your motives - and grafted onto me without permission these grotesque horrors and you expect me to be grateful. You are too arrogant for belief."

"We just wanted to save you. You are my friend and I didn't want to lose you. I knew you were strong and I believed you had turned away from your obsession and had chosen to live. I didn't want you to be a cripple so I suggested you for a ... ok, a test subject, if you like ... for this new class of prostheses. Nooj, they are remarkable! You don't have to be a cripple or even an invalid. Don't give up before you see what they can do."

"But I have to wait until I can be shown. Are you hoping my resolve will weaken over time?'

"If your resolve is to die, then yes. You had decided to live before all this happened, am I right?"

Nooj sighed, "I was experimenting with it. At one time I thought I could change everything. It wasn't working out. ... Sit down and tell me about these -" He gestured toward the machina. "These things you have made a part of me. Divert me," he mocked.

Aquelev drew up a chair and carefully positioned it so that the injured man would not have to twist to see him. "These are the first models of an entirely new approach to the problem. They are not meant to be merely cosmetic but actively useful unlike earlier removable types."

Nooj interrupted, "These monstrosities cannot be removed? You've made them a permanent part of my body?" Incredulous horror permeated his voice.

"Yes, but listen. It's for the good. Kalek used pins and bone glue to tie the leg directly to your the bone left in your thigh. That's what the sheath is for. It's reinforcing the connection. He had to build a part of the shoulder joint to have somewhere to attach the arm. The prostheses have to be firmly anchored if they are to work like they're supposed to. Let me explain... Our engineers have devised a method for connecting the artificial intelligence built into these directly to your nervous system. Kalek was testing that at the end. You remember. When the healing is far enough advanced, you'll be taught to use the impulses of your own mind to move this arm and leg just like you did the organic ones." He paused, fearing his enthusiasm for the scientific and technological breakthrough was becoming excessive.

"Go on." Nooj was concentrating so intensely it was nearly palpable.

"You'll have to relearn the neural circuits the way you did when you were first learning to walk and grasp things as a baby, but it can be done. When you're fully trained, you will walk and use your new left hand easily and naturally."

"But I will no longer be fit to be a Warrior?" It was less a question than a statement.

Aquelev shook his head slowly. "I don't know. I'm not briefed on military standards. I just don't know."

"It takes agile footwork to be a swordsman. You have to be able to feel the surface you're fighting on."

"Then maybe you'll need to learn to use some other weapon. I don't know. But you'll be able to live a full life. You won't be put in storage somewhere to shrivel up and ..." Aware of what the next word was going to be, Aquelev clamped his lips tight.

"Die. And you suddenly remembered that's what I'm looking for." Nooj laughed a humorless bitter laugh. "You are trying to tempt me with life and accidentally show me Death. In this complete new life you paint for me, do you include the company of women? Are you and your compatriots planning to provide me with intimate companionship the way you tried at the Travel Agency? You thought I didn't know what you were doing there. Admit it, you Al Bhed have constantly underestimated my understanding. Think about it, where are you going to find a woman willing to make the sacrifice of embracing a body like mine?"

Aquelev was unable to formulate an answer for a long minute. "You know there's nothing wrong with your virility. The only thing which might hold you back is your ego and your damnable pride. Many women have loved and lain with injured men. The capacity of women to surmount the obstacles to devotion is legendary. There is no end to the number of women you could call to your bed and who would come as eagerly as birds to a handful of scattered seed. You haven't yet realized what a hero you are in the eyes of your people. You're in for a pleasant surprise."

The reaction from the man in the bed came as a shock to the other. "What are you talking about? Have you been spreading some sort of lies about me? I attacked Sin, failed and he broke me. Where's the heroism in that? I'm just one more scrap of debris on the trash pile Sin leaves behind."

"It was after your attack the monster went away."

"Why am I listening to all this? It's meaningless. I will not - cannot - accept any of this. Not these lies you're telling about me, not these mechanical abortions your have burdened me with, none of it. You can't keep me here forever and when you have to let me out, I'll make my own decisions and ..." He gasped for breath. "Sin always goes away after a while. Until the Summoner kills him. He left this time because he was finished. I had nothing to do with it. I doubt he even noticed tearing me apart and throwing me away. Stop all this rot at once. I won't have it." Nooj dropped his head against the pillow and glared at his companion.

Eager to change the subject, Aquelev reached to check his pulse. "Are you in much pain? You don't have to hurt even if you do think you need to go it by yourself."

Nooj twitched his wrist away, "No, I can bear it. I think it will be with me for a long time so I should practice ignoring it. Stay out of my mind, Aquelev, you and your little spells. I have to hurt to keep focused." He seemed calmer after the outburst. "Tell me one thing, Healer. Is it common to feel sensation in a part of the body that's been destroyed?"

Aquelev looked up, startled, from the notes he was making. "What do you mean? I never heard of such a thing. You can't feel anything in parts that are gone. There are no nerves."

"You told me your surgeon had used the nerves that went to the parts I lost and tied them into these ... obscenities. What I tell you is I feel my arm and hand, my leg and foot and I want to know what to do about it."

The Healer stammered, "I, I'll have to look into it. When you say 'feel' do you mean like they're still there, the flesh ones, I mean? Or is it something different?" In his mind, Aquelev wondered if this was another part of the strange dreams his friend kept referring to.

"I mean they hurt. Like the hand and arm are burning. I look over and expect to see a charred set of bones. And the leg too. It's not logical and I want to know why I'm feeling this."

Hearing the door open, Aquelev gathered his equipment together and scrambled to his feet. "Here comes Doctor Mirabel, she's going to check your eyes. I'll do some research and get back later." He scurried from the room and left Nooj, thoroughly annoyed, to the care of the tall woman who had appeared at his bedside.