FicWad

The scene kept playing over and over in my head. No matter how much I wanted it to stop, it repeated and repeated. Was it guilt? I didn’t even know. Nothing close to it had happened to me before. It was such an awful memory, yet it was one that I probably wouldn’t ever forget. There was a devastated look on my face whenever it started over as I sat alone at the terminal, waiting for my flight to be called.

“Won’t you sing me to sleep, Ryan?”

“Why would I want to sing you to sleep?”

“I dunno. I’m tired. And I want to dream.” About you…

“But you’re talking to me. I like it this way.”

“Well, you know you’re going to do it eventually…”

We were in the middle of the small quarrel when my mother walked through the creaking door. The next sound I heard was shuffling papers.

Uh-oh…

“Call me back in five minutes.” I snapped the phone shut.

Never say goodbye.

“AMANDA!” Boy was I in for it. And the worst part was – I knew it.

I slowly walked into the room with my shoulders slouching in shame and my eyes on the floor. “Yes?” I asked, meekly, like nothing was wrong.

“What’s this?!” She asked, outraged as she held up the short stack of papers. So I went on into explaining the story to her, watching her face gradually fill with malice as I went on. “You’re not going!”

“Mom!” I cried. Literally. “What’s your problem?! I was invited! It’s my decision!”

“I said no!”

“I bet dad would let me!”

“Good luck asking him!”

My parents were divorced. They loathed each other more than any two people I knew. And she always had to remind me every chance she got. Thankfully, my phone went off at that moment.

“Have some composure.
Where is your posture?
Oh, no, no!”

“Ryan?” My voice was shaking, scared, and relieved at the same time.

“Get off that phone this instant!”

“NO!” I snatched the papers from her hands and took off up the stairs. I knew that I would be safe once I was inside my own room.

“Amanda?” He was concerned, I could tell. “What’s going on?”

“She doesn’t want me to go. She doesn’t want me to talk to you! She doesn’t understand!”

“HANG UP RIGHT NOW!”

“LEAVE ME ALONE, MOTHER!”

And just like that, I slammed the door to my room and fell down onto my bed. My pillow filled with tears quickly as I sobbed with the phone in my ear.

“It’s okay, Amanda. We’ll get another chance some other time…”

“No, Ryan! I’m going to see you whether she likes it or not!” It was difficult to speak between sobs.

“Shh…” And just as I had predicted, he did sing me to sleep.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high.
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
How I wonder what you are.”


I didn’t even want to be thinking about it anymore, but I couldn’t help knowing that the trip was going to keep the entire scene in my head. No matter how much I wanted to see Ryan, wanted to hear his actual voice when it was coming from his mouth instead of the receiving end of my phone, or wanted to be in his arms just once more, I would always make the connection with whatever was in store for me, and that not so distant memory.

“Flight 173 from Milwaukee to New York, now boarding.”

I shook my head, hoping to shake off the memory with it, and stood up from my lonely seat in the crowded room. I reached down to take hold of my over-stuffed duffel bag and slung it over my shoulder. Once, I looked back behind my shoulder, although no one was there for me. My sister had dropped me at the airport as I had pleaded her to do, and that was that. There was nothing left for me there, in my home state. The only thing that was waiting for me was in New York. That thought alone motivated me to take the first few steps toward the exit.

All my life, I’d never been one to challenge any set rules, but I was nervous as hell. I had only been on an airplane once when I was young, and my father and sister were there to hold my hand through the entire thing. This time I was on my own… So I decided to free my phone from my pocket and dial the only number that I would find comfort in. I stood there, waiting for all the other passengers to board the plane before I would take those few significant steps.

“Hello, hello!” I could not comprehend his cheery disposition.

“Ryan?” My voice sounded so pathetic next to his. The nervousness and fear that it contained shined through.

“Amanda!” Still so bright. “What’s going on? Is everything all right? Are you on the plane?”

“Uhh..” I stared up at the passersby who were eyeing me with disapproval. “Almost.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… Once I take these few steps, I’ll be on… But I’m afraid. I’ve only flown once in my life, you know. And not by myself.”

Although I didn’t expect sympathy, that was exactly what he gave me. “I don’t like flying, either. But we’re all here in the city. We’ll be on our way once you get there.”

I couldn’t possibly remain in the same twitchy state with words like that to assure me. He had probably flown dozens of times just for his fans. If he could do that just for a gig, I could fly for him. And anyway, he had paid my way for me. Whenever I took the time to think about it, he really had done so much.

With a deep, confident breath, I took those steps and replied. “Okay. I’ll call you when we land, then.”

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. It’s only two hours. I’ll just sleep.”

“All right. Don’t be afraid to call again.”

“Ryan… I call you every day.”

He really was a silly rock star.

“I know.” He spoke in that same joyous tone again, like just the thought of seeing me again was bringing that tone to his voice. “Call me when you land.”

“Count on it.”

Never say goodbye.

Without hesitation, I hung up and pocketed my phone once more.

The flight was a complete and total blur. I took my seat between people that I didn’t pay enough attention to to notice what they looked like, put my ear buds in my ears, and drifted off into a not-so-comfortable sleep. I distinctly remembered that the dream I had dreamt was about the night that I was in for. The dream was far off from reality, and mainly focused on Ryan and me in a cliché make-out scene at the movies. His years were cut back a few, and mine had grown that same amount. Although I remembered it, it wasn’t one of my favorites. On the contrary, it didn’t even come close.

But dreams weren’t important at all. I brushed all of those thoughts off as I woke up, finding myself behind all of the other passengers once again. Always behind every one else, I was. They couldn’t give a rip about me. I was just a silent follower. But not a single one of them had any idea what I was headed for. Unfortunately, I didn’t either.

I found myself in a terminal once again, watching people around me being swallowed in numerous hugs by their companions. A sigh escaped my lips as I removed my ear buds and pocketed them as well. My phone was removed from my pocket again. The greeting I received when I dialed the number was harsh on my half-asleep ears.

“Amanda! Did it go okay? Do you need to be picked up? Where are you?” Caller ID was making the poor guy pour out his deafening questions before he had even heard my voice. Wait a minute… I didn’t catch it right away, but eventually I noticed that the voice didn’t match up. By the time I figured that out, there was a chorus of grunts and names being called before another, more familiar voice came to my ears.

“Sorry about that,” Ryan’s voice sounded out in a heartfelt manner.

“Was that Brendon?” It was a shot in the dark, but I didn’t have anything to lose.

“Yeah.” Bull’s eye. “He’s been a bit anxious to meet you ever since I told him, well, you know…”

“Mm-hmm…” I laughed a bit. “Well, we just landed, so I’ll be here waiting for you.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Never say goodbye.

Still in my sleepy state, I slumped into an empty chair, dropped my duffel, and closed my eyes. He would arrive soon enough…