FicWad

A/N: I own none of this. I do not own Harry Potter or any rights to his image or personality. I do not own the moon or the stars. I do not own human genders, other than my own personal original factory equipment. Honest. Nope, not me. I most certainly do not own the rights to a billion dollar literary work.

A/N2: Be forewarned, this fic remains particularly silly and should not be taken seriously. In this chapter we are introduced to the Hufflepuff Collective's Dimensional Transfer Retrieval team, not all team members are 'puffs. They know enough to contract out the unpleasant stuff.

Harry Potter and It's a Hufflepuff Omniverse

CHAPTER TWO
The Hall of Loyalty

"And this," Shift Facilitator Susan Bones was completing the New Hire Orientation tour with her new Data Archive Counselor (2nd Grade) Hermione Granger. "Is the Dimensional Interface Room, from here we monitor the minor infinity of realities under our jurisdiction."

"And just how many realities are we talking about?"

"Like I said, a minor infinity, so many that it's a waste of time counting them, and there are more all the time. Anyway, from here we monitor, among other things Dimensional transfers. We've been getting a rash of them recently; they've evidently gotten popular again with the Creators. You understand how our local branch of the Omniverse works?"

"DAC-2 Granger nodded. "Our realities are based upon a core work of fiction by a Creator named Rowling, that core work is based upon seven creation events, the last two of which make little sense and are not consistent with the earlier events, but then Creators work in mysterious ways."

"That they do. But don't blindly trust in your training all that much. The actual number of initial creation events actually number 473, most of these being variations of the 'canon' events with different characters, culled chapters, and editorial changes, though those became fewer in the later creation events."

"What is the central theme of the creation events? In training we were told that we didn't need to know that."

"In training you didn't. Come on; let's go to the ready room so we don't disturb the watch standers."

They exited the Dimensional Interface room; DAC-2 Granger was escorted to the adjoining Ready Room.

"Granger, this is your Team Facilitator, Hannah Abbott, Hannah, this is Hermione Granger, your new DAC."

"Welcome to the team Ganger."Hannah flashed a hand sign.

"Thank you. I dated a 'puff or two, so I recognize your hand signs, but I was a Gryffindor."

"Ah, well nobody's perfect Hermione, you Grangers usually are Gryffs, but thought I'd check."

"She was asking for the theme that link our creation events together."

Hannah smiled. "All the newbies ask that don't they Draco?"

"Fucking Potter" agreed the blond man wearing assault armor.

"Draco was our last newbie, and that was his first question as well. When he got the answer 'Fucking Potter' became his favorite profanity. In short the answer is 'Harry Potter."

"Harry Potter?" She searched her memories. "Shy Ravenclaw, wears glasses, good with charms?"

"Ah, you come from one of the variant universes with someone else becoming the Boy-Who-Lived? Let me guess, Neville Longbottom?"

Hermione nodded.

"Neville gets that gig in a fraction of one percent of our monitored realities, a few very rare instances it falls to others, yourself for example. Ron Weasley occasionally, Draco once or twice."

"Fucking Potter!" proclaimed the blond.

"Yes Draco, we know. Draco did not take well to finding out he wasn't the center of the universe. 99 times out of 100, the Boy-Who-Lived is Harry Potter. The seven original canonical creation events were extremely popular where ever in the Omniverse they exist as fiction. That inspired the readers to become creators with what is called 'Fan Fiction'. Each of these 'Fan Fictions' is a separate creation event; to make matters worse there are fan fictions that acknowledge the original creation events, and have inspired their own fan fictions. It is a nearly geometric progression."

"So we're all just fictional characters?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm real enough. Let's meet the rest of our team." Hannah smiled. This was the fun part, 'introducing' people to analogs of people they already knew from their home reality. "You've met Draco, he's our Group Cooperation Counselor (1stgrade)"

"That means I bust heads until they do what we tell them." Grunted the blond man. "I dream of the day I get to bust the head of Fucking Potter."

"You aren't anything like the Draco Malfoy I know."

"Did he chase every skirt in the castle?"

"No."

"Did he chase Potter?"

"No, mostly he went out of his way to annoy Neville Longbottom, and hit on Longbottom's girlfriends, Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil."

The blond man looked disgusted. "Pathetic, probably just another Daddy's boy."

A tall brunette man approached. "Personally, I love universes where Longbottom gets the girl. Or Girls." He extended his hand "Neville Longbottom, Team Botanist."

"Neville means he's the Flora Quarantine Specialist (1st Grade)"

"pfft. You 'puffs and your goofy titles. I'm a botanist. I do plants." He waggled his eyebrows at Hermione "I do pretty girls too."

"Ignore Neville, he's harmless." A slender strawberry blonde woman with haunting gray eyes extended her hand. "Luna Lovegood. I'm the team Psi." She caught Hannah's annoyed look. "Sorry Hannah, I'm the Mental Defense Specialist. In most realities my analogs tend to be a little different I'm told."

"I didn't know the Luna of my world very well, but she seemed nice."

"Either your universe was a very strange place, or you didn't know me very well."

Hermione opened her mouth to say something, when the alarms started going off.

--===ooo000ooo===---

"We have dimensional transfer in progress." Came over the announcing system. Rune clusters arced into life, and displays suddenly bloomed in mid air.

"Dimensional transfer an Other Than Natural Event. Resolving Point of Origin."

On the display labeled PoO, the Characters RB appeared. Around her Hermione noticed that her new team mates relaxed.

"What does RB mean?"

"Officially Rowling Biblios, it defines our cluster of creation. That's good news, which means it isn't some weird monster from an outside creator." Neville explained.

"Officially? Does it have other meanings?"

"Well, we in the retrieval teams refer to it as 'Rowlings Bitch', since it normally means that the traveler is usually a Harry Potter."

The characters FF joined RB.

"Fan Fiction, that figures. Now it will resolve down to the Author, who I am personally going to bust up if I ever get to his universe for not making me the Hero."

"Let it go Draco, there are universes that revolve around you, you just need to find one."

The numbers 65619 joined RB-FF-on the display.

"Oh hell no."

"What's wrong?"

"That Creator is an idiot. We're going to end up stuck in a morass of Out of Character Characterizations, plot holes, mangled timelines and misspellings." Hannah looked disgusted.

"At least that narrows down who the jumper is with that Creator. He only uses Potter." Draco pointed out.

"That's good, right?"

"It depends, he typically uses 4Archetypes. The Godlike Super-Potter, The Whiny Almost Adequate Potter, the Potter with no Magical Powers, and the smart assed little kid. I hate them all, but he Whiny almost adequate Potter is the worst."

"Retrieval team Prepare for insertion."

"Mount up Troops. Come on Newbie, your first transfer is the one most likely to kill you"

"Good Pep talk Hannah!"

"Thank you Neville. Everyone with all your gear on the pads in 4 minutes."

--===ooo000ooo===---

Voldemort examined his new body, rudely ignoring Harry, ignoring Wormtail, ignoring Cedric who evidently hadn't read the dailies, and was still working off the Blue pages instead of the Green pages and was slowly regaining consciousness instead of being dead. Flexing his fingers, then his hands and arms, he rotated his neck, and then flexed his entire body, stretching every extremity. Good. Now for the real test of a reborn Dark Lord: His Evil Laugh.

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Is magic not wonderful Mr. Potter?"

"Oh, are you done chewing on the scenery? Go to hell you Ham."

"Crucio!"

"Owie! Hey cut that out!Those things sting like nobodies business!" Voldemort released the curse and looked dumbfounded.

"What?" Harry asked. "I survived the killing curse. Why would you be surprised that a pain curse doesn't have much effect?"

"Hey guys!" Dimensional Transfer Harry hopped up on the tombstone across from this universe's tied up Harry Potter.

"What trick is this?" Voldemort screamed dramatically. "Crucio!"

"Ow! Hey he told you that stings jerk!"

"Cool, when do I get a time turner?" This Universe Harry asked.

"You don't, I'm not you, I'm me from another dimension." Explained D.T. Harry

"Wow, another dimension, that's even cooler than a time turner."

"Excuse me. I'm threatening people here." Pouted Voldemort.

"Sure you are." Laughed D.T. Harry

"So how is your dimension different?" asked T.U. Harry

"My Voldemort is a tall blonde with big boobies." Said D.T. Harry

"I am not a woman in any dimension!" screamed Voldemort.

"Have you ever been to my dimension?"

"Well, no."

"Then you have no idea what you're talking about."

"How gullible do you think Iam?"

T.U. Harry asked "How what?"

"How gullible. It means easily deceived or cheated." Voldemort explained.

"Why do you feel the need to make up words? Doesn't being a reborn Dark Lord do it for you? Why make up words like gullible?"

"Gullible is a perfectly adequate word in the English Language Potter."

"I already did this." D.T. Harry said. "This feeb sends Wormtail to get adictionary, he's a tool."

"Who, Moldyshorts or Wormfood?"

"Both actually."

"Moldyshorts?" Voldemort raged.

"Oh hush. So, " T.U. Harry asked, "What's the real difference?"

"As best I can tell, I'm wearing blue sox." D.T. Harry lifted the leg of his trousers to display his blue sock. "Instead of the yellow sox you're wearing. That and we're about 15 minutes ahead of you."

"Cool, I wish I'd worn my blue sox, then maybe something cosmic would happen."

"I don't think cosmic things depend upon what color sox you're wearing, then again, it might." D.T. Harry frowned, "Has Moldyshorts here trotted out his plot device yet? I've lost track."

"Hey!" T.U. Harry turned back to Voldemort, How could you have a Plot Device. You were just a scabby baby thing a couple of minutes ago?"

"He got it from Evil Incorporated. We get top drawer baddies, even if he is a lame-o."

Furious at being ignored, Voldemort pressed his wand to Wormtail's Dark Mark to call his death eaters, while he was bent over to do this, D.T. Harry pulled the waist band of Voldemort's underwear over his head.

Both Harrys broke up laughing,

"What is the meaning of this?"screamed Voldemort as his death eaters appeared around them in an oval.

"That means you got an atomic wedgie Moldi." D.T. Harry said.

"Some people call them Melvins"explained T.U. Harry helpfully.

D.T. Harry turned to the Death Eaters. "What's wrong with you idiots? Can't you see the new uniform?"

Never having been allowed to question orders, the Death Eaters immediately pulled the waist bands of their own underwear over their heads. All except Lucius Malfoy of course.

"I am sorry my Lord, I cannot assume the new Uniform."

"Wow." Said T.U. Harry "Even when he's sucking up he sounds like an arrogant prat."

"Going Commando today My Lord." Lucius lifted his robes to demonstrate.

Voldemort cringed. "Merciful Merlin Lucy, no one wants to see that."

"Whoa! No wonder Narcissa always looks so pissed off.. Hey Moldi, I thought Bellatrix was your only concave Death Eater." D.T. Harry laughed.

"You know Moldi, maybe you should have selected you Death Eaters for smarts and not blood." T.U. Harry joined in on the laughing at Voldemort.

Voldemort had finally had enough. "Kill them!" he barked in a high pitched girly scream.

The Death Eaters, all save one still sporting their Atomic Wedgies, drew their wands and...

There was a deafening hum, and five electric blue circles appeared in the middle of the assembled Death Eaters. Those circles expanded into five electric blue cylinders three meters tall and one across.

"What the hell is that?"screamed Voldemort.

The two Harrys exchanged looks and shrugged. In unison they screamed "I didn't do it!"

--===ooo000ooo===---