Categories > Books > Harry Potter > An American Wizard in Hogwarts
Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out by now, go get your head examined. It might be a tumor. Oh, and the lyrics to the two songs belong to Monty Python, not that any of my readers actually get any of the Python references.
And now, No. 2: The larch. The...Larch. The larch.
A/N: I took a break to work on some other stuff. Mainly I was waiting for agood suggestion for Matt's animagus name. I'd like to thank ficwad user Cateagle for the name I chose. I don't know if I will include it in this chapter, but Ihave decided.
I hope from now on most of my chapters will be closer in length to the Prologue I wrote for Innocence Faded.
I have made some improvements to Chapter 8, I suggest you reread it. A joke at the beginning was fixed, I improved the description of Harry's animagus form, and I modified the rundown of Christmas gifts.
The first hints of Harry/Hermione are in this chapter. Granted it's as subtle as Ms. Rowling's hints of Harry/Ginny in Chamber of Secrets, but it's a start. Will probably be it, for a while anyway.
Also, I find it very funny that in Monty Python's "Penis Song," Percy is one of the euphemisms used.
Finally, if there isn't an author's note at the end the story's been cut off. if that's the case, go read it on FFdotNet.
And now, for something completely different.
Chapter 9: New Years Explanations.
They spent two days with the Grangers on Privet Drive to get rid of jet lag. On the second day, Lily--who had accompanied Harry and Matt to England with the Grangers--decided to talk to her sister.
So it was that eleven o'clock in the morning found Lily, accompanied by Harry, Matt, and Hermione, walking up the path to Number Four, Privet Drive. Lily had initially planned on going alone, but Harry wanted to meet his cousin, and Matt and Hermione wouldn't let Harry near the porker alone.
Lily knocked on the door, which was promptly answered by a tall thin woman with a face resembling Secretariat. Matt wanted to feed her a lump of sugar and a handful of oats.
The woman took one look at Lily and scowled. "What do you want?" was all she said; her expression and tone were ones that said that she did not know the person in front of her, though her eyes said differently. The minute the woman opened the door Matt could feel the jealousy and resentment rolling off of her like the cold from an open fridge. Just behind her stood Dudley. Aslightly less fat Dudley.
Lily appeared hurt by her sister's reaction. "I just want to talk with my sister. It's been too long, Petunia. I've missed you, ever since I left for Hogwarts the first time. I know it can never be like it was before, and I don't expect it to. But can I at least send my nephew a gift for his birthday and Christmas? I promise there will be no," she dropped her voice to a whisper,"magic involved, in the gift itself or the delivery," she whispered in her sister's ear. "Well, sister, what do you say? I can leave you an address to write to, if you want."
Petunia was shocked. When at last she found her voice, she said, "I'll think about it, but please leave your address. In the very unlikely event that we do accept your offer, I'll send you a letter. Until such a time, I would appreciate it if you and your little demonspawn left my home and didn't return." At that she slammed the door in Lily's face.
As they reached the sidewalk, Lily sighed and stated, "Can't say Ididn't expect that to happen, Petunia slamming the door in my face. Though I was kind of surprised when she didn't do it as soon as she saw me."
The rest of the day was spent listening to music while playing Dungeons & Dragons, starting with Metallica's self-titled album, followed by the Skid Row CD Hermione had received for Christmas. The day was capped of with the individual songs "2112," "The Trees," and "Spirit of Radio," by Rush, and "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. By the time their supper was ready, they already knew what the wake up call was going to be on the first day back.
The next day the trio was settled into their compartment, and Matt was still trying to get his friends to see his point of view on what song to play the next morning when Luna stepped into the compartment.
As the compartment door opened, Matt could be heard saying, "...ook, Iknow you prefer "2112," but the solo on the Skynyrd's Innyrds version of "Free Bird" is the musical equivalent to a wet dream." He looked up to see Luna, who looked puzzled at his comment. Harry thought that the color of his face clashed horribly with the jersey--a replica of one of his dad's home jerseys--he was wearing.
"What's a wet dream?" asked Hermione.
Harry laughed at this. Imagine, Hermione not knowing something!
Matt sent Harry a pleading look, and Harry was sorely tempted to let Matt explain his own way out of this one, but acquiesced, knowing that if he were in the same situation--having his female cousin ask him what a wet dream was--he would be running down the list of spells he knew that would kill him--or at least incapacitate him to where he wouldn't have to explain.
"Well, a wet dream is...uh, it's like this...when a guy dreams about, uh..."Harry searched for the best way to say it what he was trying to say."When a guy, uh, has an exciting dream they sort of, uh..." He was really wishing he hadn't laughed at the question earlier. He was trying not to laugh now. Of course, if he were to laugh now it would be the hysterical laugh of a madman, but that didn't matter. "They...uh...well...they have a happy ending." Harry said, finally remembering a euphemism that Sirius had used one time, earning him a rather large zucchini charmed to jam itself where the sun--hopefully--didn't shine.
Matt seemed to remember this incident as well, particularly the consequences of asking Harry's mom what Sirius had meant. What had followed was the most horrifying 4 hours either of them could remember, as they received the"talk," first from James and Theon--whose "talk" had taken an hour and a half and included several disturbing charts and diagrams, along with a failed attempt to force them into a pensieve memory--then Jenny and Lily spending the following two and a half hours making sure Harry and Matt had the info right, including extensive use of technical terms like nocturnal emission, fellatio, and more uses of the word 'penis' than in a Dr. Ruth Westheimer seminar.
Harry was saved from that particular dark place--or so he thought--when Hermione cleared her throat, "I said, what's a 'happy ending'?" apparently he had been so lost in his thoughts about that evil day to realize she had been talking.
Harry figured it was just best to have it out in the open and get it over with. "It's uh, another word for, uh...for orgasm." He almost whispered the last word.
Hermione looked mortified. Matt turned to Harry and said, "I didn't think it was possible. You've offended her so much she can't think of a snappy comeback!"
About halfway to Hogsmeade the compartment door opened, revealing Malfoy, Stay-Puft, and Michelin. Before anyone could politely suggest places for them to go, Malfoy drawled, "So how was Christmas with the mudbloods, Potter?" Before anyone else could react, Matt--who had been closest to the door--had Malfoy by the wrist in a situation that mirrored the one from the previous September.
"What did I tell you before, you lousy faggot? I told you not to insult my family again didn't I?" Malfoy nodded, followed by a sickening crackle, vaguely reminiscent of bubble wrap being twisted, which could only be a wrist shattering. "Now get the fuck out of here, you racist prick."
Malfoy was tripping over Stay-Puft and Michelin on his way out. "I can't believe I actually shattered his wrist. I only said that to scare him the last time. There's no way I have enough strength to do that."
"Of course you don't. It was accidental magic. Direct contact lowers the threshold at which it appears, along with increasing the effects. Had you been touching him anywhere else, that wrist would merely have gone limp--well, more limp than it already was--had you just been in his face, it would have been sore and stiff for several days. If you had been a foot away, nothing would have happened," Harry explained. "Direct discharge of accidental magic is not a very common occurrence amongst wizards and witches, owing to the fact that they tend to settle disagreements from a distance. The emotional threshold for direct discharge of accidental magic is still very high, but as always it is lowest when dealing with the emotions of anger and fear."
Hermione was stunned, "How is it that you can come up with a thorough explanation like that and yet you're almost always an inch or two short on your essays?"
"I don't use flowery language or loaded sentences, unlike you. I give somewhere between the bare minimum and too much information," Harry said. Sensing what her next question was going to be, he added, "I just never have time or energy to rewrite the whole thing."
Matt looked between his best friend and his favorite--well, only--cousin. They didn't know it themselves--he had just figured it out that morning over breakfast--but they were in love, or at least headed toward a strong attraction. Though there were no outward signs, as of yet, he knew that it was inevitable. He saw it in their eyes, their souls.
They were the only two he would regularly make eye contact with, and he remembered what their souls had looked like to him when they had been younger. He didn't know if their souls had always fit together like puzzle pieces, or if this was a new development. It was times like these that he wished his ability wasn't so damn rare, that there were books that helped him decipher some of the more complex things he saw. Unfortunately, according to Dumbledore, not a single book had been written about the ability. Of the nearly twenty-five hundred known soul readers throughout history, none had written a book what it all meant.
The rest of the train ride passed fairly peacefully, and Luna finally explained what it was she was chasing whenever someone had a brain fart. Apparently she was under the impression that wrackspurts were to blame for the cortical flatulence. While wrackspurts--a sort of magical mosquito that fed on thought energy--were real, they were only found in the Serengeti region of Africa.
When they arrived at Hogwarts, the trio took advantage of the confusion and cast a special compulsion charm--developed by James and Sirius-on random students, though mainly targeting the Slytherins. They weren't told what it would do, just that it had a specific trigger phrase that Dumbledore was bound to say, though it couldn't be guaranteed not to trigger early. Having wormed the secret out of James before leaving, Matt surreptitiously cast the charm on Harry. He was eagerly awaiting Dumbledore saying the phrase 'fed and watered.'
The return feast was, as usual for a Hogwarts Feast, simply amazing, even featuring several dishes made with alligator, though Harry, Matt, and Hermione were the only ones to realize this.
After dessert Dumbledore stood up, and Matt was barely suppressing a grin as the headmaster began, "Now that you're all fed and watered-" He was interrupted as several people--mostly Slytherins--but a few Raven claws and Hufflepuffs were mixed in there, as well as at least three Gryffindors that had gotten in the way of the charms. But Matt was only paying attention to one person. Harry was making a valiant effort at resisting the compulsion, but it was a losing battle. Like everyone else hit with the charm, he stood up, walked up to the person he was most attracted to, and started singing:
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs.
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face, and then I'll love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
Till we're blown away
No one started until everyone was in position, and the charm allowed them to sing in perfect harmony. Though Matt was laughing mainly at the horrified looks on both Harry's and his cousin's faces, he did note, out of the corner of his eye that Malfoy was currently singing to Professor McGonagall while Goyle was singing to Malfoy, and Crabbe was singing to Goyle.
After peace was restored in the hall, Dumbledore finished his speech and dismissed the students. Now they only had to wait for the charm on Percy to be tripped. Sure enough, Percy could be heard indignantly shouting, "I'm aprefect!" whereupon he began singing, very loudly,
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER I TOSSED OFF
RECENTLY IN THE CARIBBEAN.
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong.
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork,
Your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back
Professor McGonagall could be heard over the din of laughter giving Percy aweeks worth of detention and probation on his prefect status.
Matt knew that as soon as he got to the common room, all hell was gonna break loose. He wasn't disappointed. As soon as the portrait had closed, Matt had two wands pointed straight at his head.
"Aw, c'mon guys, can't you take a joke?" Matt asked.
"You knew that would happen, didn't you?" Harry asked accusingly.
"I knew that the charm made the targeted seek out the person that the affected was, uh, most attracted to, and made them sing a song to them. I didn't know what the song was, but I certainly had a good idea who you'd be singing to if I hit you with it," Matt said.
Hermione was not amused. "I've never been so mortified in my life, Matthew Mark Robertson!" She was almost as angry as Matt and Harry had ever seen her, the only time either of them had seen her angrier was the time that Kira spilled juice all over her brand new copy of /The Silmarillion/. She would later say that Keira was probably doing her a favor, considering how boring the story was. But she didn't speak to Keira for rest of that visit.
"I was the only one paying any attention to the two of you. Most people were watching Malfoy sing to McGonagall, while Goyle sang to Malfoy and Crabbe sang to Goyle," Matt said.
"But surely someone was--wait, what?" Hermione nearly shrieked.
"You heard me. Malfoy sang to McGonagall; Goyle sang to Malfoy; and Crabbe sang to Goyle. I'm as disturbed as you are about that. I almost--/almost/--regret hitting those three with that charm," Matt said, walking casually towards the boy's staircase.
He almost made it too, until...
"/Flatus maximus/!" Harry shouted. Matt was unable to dodge it, and suddenly experienced a case of extreme intestinal distress. "Break, Matt! Break like the wind!" Harry shouted, laughing, to the retreating back of his best friend. The door to the dorm could be heard slamming, followed by the unmistakable sound of wind being broken.
Hermione looked at Harry with an inquisitive look on her face and asked,"What did you hit him with, and where did you learn it?"
"Dad taught me. It's a modification of the laxative charm that converts the contents of your lower intestine to a gas before it forces your body to expel it," He noticed Seamus heading for the staircase. "Hey, Seamus, I don't think you wanna go up there just yet. Trust me on this."
After a couple of hours Harry figured the smell would have gone down, So he went up to the dorm, only to be assaulted by the god-awful stench he had hope to avoid. First thing he noticed was Matt, sitting up in his bed with the curtains open, reading, shit-eating grin plastered on his face. Or at least he assumed that was a grin, it was hard to tell with the Bubble-Head Charm in place. Harry quickly cast a Bubble Head Charm on himself and prepared for bed. Next in was Seamus, who did the same as Harry and Matt. Neville and Dean followed shortly after, also silently applying the Bubble-Head Charm. Ron walked in, prepared for bed and fell asleep quickly. He didn't even appear to notice the smell.
At 5:30 the next morning, Harry was awoken by his silent alarm, as was Matt. They silently showered and got dressed to begin the day. They met Hermione in the common room at 5:55. "Why do you have Bubble-Head Charms on you?"
"No one wanted to, literally, clear the air last night," replied Harry.
They then began the day, as they had on every day they deemed a 'special occasion,' started "The Star Spangled Banner." As soon as that song was over, they headed for the Great Hall and started 2112 on their way.
By the time they reached the Great Hall, the "Overture" was just ending and the next movement, "Priests in the Temple of Syrinx," was just beginning with Geddy Lee's jarring falsetto bursting forth. They could just imagine some of the heavier sleepers reactions.
When the post arrived, Harry received a note carried by Bruce. Absently He wondered what the letter could be about. He set it aside until after he had gotten something to eat.
Twenty minutes later, After Matt and Hermione and finished eating, he decided to open the letter. It read
Harry,
After consulting with Mr. Moony, Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs would like to inform you and your friends of your new Marauder Nicknames. Your flighty friend is now Miss Regal, and your catty friend is now Mr. Softpaw. You are now Mr. Shadow. Initiation is this summer, on 4 July 1992. Be there.
Messrs. Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.
As they finished the letter, Matt nudged Harry in the ribs, motioning towards a tightly packed knot of Slytherins currently walking into the hall. Harry got the idea, and pointed his wand at the Slytherins and whispered, "Flatus maximus," to humorous results.
This was going to be a great day.
\m/
A/N: I hope you like the chapter. It was a bitch to type. My Harry/Hermione hints, like J.K.'s Harry/Ginny hints, are as subtle as a sledgehammer. Not as long as I had hoped, but it'll do.
Questions? Comments? Plotholes? Just type them up in a review and I'll get to them as soon as I can. I posted this here because I wasn't getting any useful feedback on FFdotNet.
And now, a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
And now, No. 2: The larch. The...Larch. The larch.
A/N: I took a break to work on some other stuff. Mainly I was waiting for agood suggestion for Matt's animagus name. I'd like to thank ficwad user Cateagle for the name I chose. I don't know if I will include it in this chapter, but Ihave decided.
I hope from now on most of my chapters will be closer in length to the Prologue I wrote for Innocence Faded.
I have made some improvements to Chapter 8, I suggest you reread it. A joke at the beginning was fixed, I improved the description of Harry's animagus form, and I modified the rundown of Christmas gifts.
The first hints of Harry/Hermione are in this chapter. Granted it's as subtle as Ms. Rowling's hints of Harry/Ginny in Chamber of Secrets, but it's a start. Will probably be it, for a while anyway.
Also, I find it very funny that in Monty Python's "Penis Song," Percy is one of the euphemisms used.
Finally, if there isn't an author's note at the end the story's been cut off. if that's the case, go read it on FFdotNet.
And now, for something completely different.
Chapter 9: New Years Explanations.
They spent two days with the Grangers on Privet Drive to get rid of jet lag. On the second day, Lily--who had accompanied Harry and Matt to England with the Grangers--decided to talk to her sister.
So it was that eleven o'clock in the morning found Lily, accompanied by Harry, Matt, and Hermione, walking up the path to Number Four, Privet Drive. Lily had initially planned on going alone, but Harry wanted to meet his cousin, and Matt and Hermione wouldn't let Harry near the porker alone.
Lily knocked on the door, which was promptly answered by a tall thin woman with a face resembling Secretariat. Matt wanted to feed her a lump of sugar and a handful of oats.
The woman took one look at Lily and scowled. "What do you want?" was all she said; her expression and tone were ones that said that she did not know the person in front of her, though her eyes said differently. The minute the woman opened the door Matt could feel the jealousy and resentment rolling off of her like the cold from an open fridge. Just behind her stood Dudley. Aslightly less fat Dudley.
Lily appeared hurt by her sister's reaction. "I just want to talk with my sister. It's been too long, Petunia. I've missed you, ever since I left for Hogwarts the first time. I know it can never be like it was before, and I don't expect it to. But can I at least send my nephew a gift for his birthday and Christmas? I promise there will be no," she dropped her voice to a whisper,"magic involved, in the gift itself or the delivery," she whispered in her sister's ear. "Well, sister, what do you say? I can leave you an address to write to, if you want."
Petunia was shocked. When at last she found her voice, she said, "I'll think about it, but please leave your address. In the very unlikely event that we do accept your offer, I'll send you a letter. Until such a time, I would appreciate it if you and your little demonspawn left my home and didn't return." At that she slammed the door in Lily's face.
As they reached the sidewalk, Lily sighed and stated, "Can't say Ididn't expect that to happen, Petunia slamming the door in my face. Though I was kind of surprised when she didn't do it as soon as she saw me."
The rest of the day was spent listening to music while playing Dungeons & Dragons, starting with Metallica's self-titled album, followed by the Skid Row CD Hermione had received for Christmas. The day was capped of with the individual songs "2112," "The Trees," and "Spirit of Radio," by Rush, and "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. By the time their supper was ready, they already knew what the wake up call was going to be on the first day back.
The next day the trio was settled into their compartment, and Matt was still trying to get his friends to see his point of view on what song to play the next morning when Luna stepped into the compartment.
As the compartment door opened, Matt could be heard saying, "...ook, Iknow you prefer "2112," but the solo on the Skynyrd's Innyrds version of "Free Bird" is the musical equivalent to a wet dream." He looked up to see Luna, who looked puzzled at his comment. Harry thought that the color of his face clashed horribly with the jersey--a replica of one of his dad's home jerseys--he was wearing.
"What's a wet dream?" asked Hermione.
Harry laughed at this. Imagine, Hermione not knowing something!
Matt sent Harry a pleading look, and Harry was sorely tempted to let Matt explain his own way out of this one, but acquiesced, knowing that if he were in the same situation--having his female cousin ask him what a wet dream was--he would be running down the list of spells he knew that would kill him--or at least incapacitate him to where he wouldn't have to explain.
"Well, a wet dream is...uh, it's like this...when a guy dreams about, uh..."Harry searched for the best way to say it what he was trying to say."When a guy, uh, has an exciting dream they sort of, uh..." He was really wishing he hadn't laughed at the question earlier. He was trying not to laugh now. Of course, if he were to laugh now it would be the hysterical laugh of a madman, but that didn't matter. "They...uh...well...they have a happy ending." Harry said, finally remembering a euphemism that Sirius had used one time, earning him a rather large zucchini charmed to jam itself where the sun--hopefully--didn't shine.
Matt seemed to remember this incident as well, particularly the consequences of asking Harry's mom what Sirius had meant. What had followed was the most horrifying 4 hours either of them could remember, as they received the"talk," first from James and Theon--whose "talk" had taken an hour and a half and included several disturbing charts and diagrams, along with a failed attempt to force them into a pensieve memory--then Jenny and Lily spending the following two and a half hours making sure Harry and Matt had the info right, including extensive use of technical terms like nocturnal emission, fellatio, and more uses of the word 'penis' than in a Dr. Ruth Westheimer seminar.
Harry was saved from that particular dark place--or so he thought--when Hermione cleared her throat, "I said, what's a 'happy ending'?" apparently he had been so lost in his thoughts about that evil day to realize she had been talking.
Harry figured it was just best to have it out in the open and get it over with. "It's uh, another word for, uh...for orgasm." He almost whispered the last word.
Hermione looked mortified. Matt turned to Harry and said, "I didn't think it was possible. You've offended her so much she can't think of a snappy comeback!"
About halfway to Hogsmeade the compartment door opened, revealing Malfoy, Stay-Puft, and Michelin. Before anyone could politely suggest places for them to go, Malfoy drawled, "So how was Christmas with the mudbloods, Potter?" Before anyone else could react, Matt--who had been closest to the door--had Malfoy by the wrist in a situation that mirrored the one from the previous September.
"What did I tell you before, you lousy faggot? I told you not to insult my family again didn't I?" Malfoy nodded, followed by a sickening crackle, vaguely reminiscent of bubble wrap being twisted, which could only be a wrist shattering. "Now get the fuck out of here, you racist prick."
Malfoy was tripping over Stay-Puft and Michelin on his way out. "I can't believe I actually shattered his wrist. I only said that to scare him the last time. There's no way I have enough strength to do that."
"Of course you don't. It was accidental magic. Direct contact lowers the threshold at which it appears, along with increasing the effects. Had you been touching him anywhere else, that wrist would merely have gone limp--well, more limp than it already was--had you just been in his face, it would have been sore and stiff for several days. If you had been a foot away, nothing would have happened," Harry explained. "Direct discharge of accidental magic is not a very common occurrence amongst wizards and witches, owing to the fact that they tend to settle disagreements from a distance. The emotional threshold for direct discharge of accidental magic is still very high, but as always it is lowest when dealing with the emotions of anger and fear."
Hermione was stunned, "How is it that you can come up with a thorough explanation like that and yet you're almost always an inch or two short on your essays?"
"I don't use flowery language or loaded sentences, unlike you. I give somewhere between the bare minimum and too much information," Harry said. Sensing what her next question was going to be, he added, "I just never have time or energy to rewrite the whole thing."
Matt looked between his best friend and his favorite--well, only--cousin. They didn't know it themselves--he had just figured it out that morning over breakfast--but they were in love, or at least headed toward a strong attraction. Though there were no outward signs, as of yet, he knew that it was inevitable. He saw it in their eyes, their souls.
They were the only two he would regularly make eye contact with, and he remembered what their souls had looked like to him when they had been younger. He didn't know if their souls had always fit together like puzzle pieces, or if this was a new development. It was times like these that he wished his ability wasn't so damn rare, that there were books that helped him decipher some of the more complex things he saw. Unfortunately, according to Dumbledore, not a single book had been written about the ability. Of the nearly twenty-five hundred known soul readers throughout history, none had written a book what it all meant.
The rest of the train ride passed fairly peacefully, and Luna finally explained what it was she was chasing whenever someone had a brain fart. Apparently she was under the impression that wrackspurts were to blame for the cortical flatulence. While wrackspurts--a sort of magical mosquito that fed on thought energy--were real, they were only found in the Serengeti region of Africa.
When they arrived at Hogwarts, the trio took advantage of the confusion and cast a special compulsion charm--developed by James and Sirius-on random students, though mainly targeting the Slytherins. They weren't told what it would do, just that it had a specific trigger phrase that Dumbledore was bound to say, though it couldn't be guaranteed not to trigger early. Having wormed the secret out of James before leaving, Matt surreptitiously cast the charm on Harry. He was eagerly awaiting Dumbledore saying the phrase 'fed and watered.'
The return feast was, as usual for a Hogwarts Feast, simply amazing, even featuring several dishes made with alligator, though Harry, Matt, and Hermione were the only ones to realize this.
After dessert Dumbledore stood up, and Matt was barely suppressing a grin as the headmaster began, "Now that you're all fed and watered-" He was interrupted as several people--mostly Slytherins--but a few Raven claws and Hufflepuffs were mixed in there, as well as at least three Gryffindors that had gotten in the way of the charms. But Matt was only paying attention to one person. Harry was making a valiant effort at resisting the compulsion, but it was a losing battle. Like everyone else hit with the charm, he stood up, walked up to the person he was most attracted to, and started singing:
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs.
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face, and then I'll love you truly.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
Till we're blown away
No one started until everyone was in position, and the charm allowed them to sing in perfect harmony. Though Matt was laughing mainly at the horrified looks on both Harry's and his cousin's faces, he did note, out of the corner of his eye that Malfoy was currently singing to Professor McGonagall while Goyle was singing to Malfoy, and Crabbe was singing to Goyle.
After peace was restored in the hall, Dumbledore finished his speech and dismissed the students. Now they only had to wait for the charm on Percy to be tripped. Sure enough, Percy could be heard indignantly shouting, "I'm aprefect!" whereupon he began singing, very loudly,
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER I TOSSED OFF
RECENTLY IN THE CARIBBEAN.
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong.
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork,
Your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back
Professor McGonagall could be heard over the din of laughter giving Percy aweeks worth of detention and probation on his prefect status.
Matt knew that as soon as he got to the common room, all hell was gonna break loose. He wasn't disappointed. As soon as the portrait had closed, Matt had two wands pointed straight at his head.
"Aw, c'mon guys, can't you take a joke?" Matt asked.
"You knew that would happen, didn't you?" Harry asked accusingly.
"I knew that the charm made the targeted seek out the person that the affected was, uh, most attracted to, and made them sing a song to them. I didn't know what the song was, but I certainly had a good idea who you'd be singing to if I hit you with it," Matt said.
Hermione was not amused. "I've never been so mortified in my life, Matthew Mark Robertson!" She was almost as angry as Matt and Harry had ever seen her, the only time either of them had seen her angrier was the time that Kira spilled juice all over her brand new copy of /The Silmarillion/. She would later say that Keira was probably doing her a favor, considering how boring the story was. But she didn't speak to Keira for rest of that visit.
"I was the only one paying any attention to the two of you. Most people were watching Malfoy sing to McGonagall, while Goyle sang to Malfoy and Crabbe sang to Goyle," Matt said.
"But surely someone was--wait, what?" Hermione nearly shrieked.
"You heard me. Malfoy sang to McGonagall; Goyle sang to Malfoy; and Crabbe sang to Goyle. I'm as disturbed as you are about that. I almost--/almost/--regret hitting those three with that charm," Matt said, walking casually towards the boy's staircase.
He almost made it too, until...
"/Flatus maximus/!" Harry shouted. Matt was unable to dodge it, and suddenly experienced a case of extreme intestinal distress. "Break, Matt! Break like the wind!" Harry shouted, laughing, to the retreating back of his best friend. The door to the dorm could be heard slamming, followed by the unmistakable sound of wind being broken.
Hermione looked at Harry with an inquisitive look on her face and asked,"What did you hit him with, and where did you learn it?"
"Dad taught me. It's a modification of the laxative charm that converts the contents of your lower intestine to a gas before it forces your body to expel it," He noticed Seamus heading for the staircase. "Hey, Seamus, I don't think you wanna go up there just yet. Trust me on this."
After a couple of hours Harry figured the smell would have gone down, So he went up to the dorm, only to be assaulted by the god-awful stench he had hope to avoid. First thing he noticed was Matt, sitting up in his bed with the curtains open, reading, shit-eating grin plastered on his face. Or at least he assumed that was a grin, it was hard to tell with the Bubble-Head Charm in place. Harry quickly cast a Bubble Head Charm on himself and prepared for bed. Next in was Seamus, who did the same as Harry and Matt. Neville and Dean followed shortly after, also silently applying the Bubble-Head Charm. Ron walked in, prepared for bed and fell asleep quickly. He didn't even appear to notice the smell.
At 5:30 the next morning, Harry was awoken by his silent alarm, as was Matt. They silently showered and got dressed to begin the day. They met Hermione in the common room at 5:55. "Why do you have Bubble-Head Charms on you?"
"No one wanted to, literally, clear the air last night," replied Harry.
They then began the day, as they had on every day they deemed a 'special occasion,' started "The Star Spangled Banner." As soon as that song was over, they headed for the Great Hall and started 2112 on their way.
By the time they reached the Great Hall, the "Overture" was just ending and the next movement, "Priests in the Temple of Syrinx," was just beginning with Geddy Lee's jarring falsetto bursting forth. They could just imagine some of the heavier sleepers reactions.
When the post arrived, Harry received a note carried by Bruce. Absently He wondered what the letter could be about. He set it aside until after he had gotten something to eat.
Twenty minutes later, After Matt and Hermione and finished eating, he decided to open the letter. It read
Harry,
After consulting with Mr. Moony, Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs would like to inform you and your friends of your new Marauder Nicknames. Your flighty friend is now Miss Regal, and your catty friend is now Mr. Softpaw. You are now Mr. Shadow. Initiation is this summer, on 4 July 1992. Be there.
Messrs. Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.
As they finished the letter, Matt nudged Harry in the ribs, motioning towards a tightly packed knot of Slytherins currently walking into the hall. Harry got the idea, and pointed his wand at the Slytherins and whispered, "Flatus maximus," to humorous results.
This was going to be a great day.
\m/
A/N: I hope you like the chapter. It was a bitch to type. My Harry/Hermione hints, like J.K.'s Harry/Ginny hints, are as subtle as a sledgehammer. Not as long as I had hoped, but it'll do.
Questions? Comments? Plotholes? Just type them up in a review and I'll get to them as soon as I can. I posted this here because I wasn't getting any useful feedback on FFdotNet.
And now, a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
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