FicWad

The next morning I was planning on sleeping in. Gerard and the guys were dong an on-air interview at a local radio station and, well, I wanted to sleep. That didn’t work when Donna’s call came.
“Laura, how are you today?”
I rolled over in the bunk and stretched, “I’m fine. How are you today?”
I could tell by her tone she wasn’t okay. “Is Gerard with you?”
“No, I’m sorry he’s doing an interview at the moment. Should I have him call you when he gets back?”
She didn’t answer right away, “I’m not sure. I would probably just upset him.”
I closed my eyes and took a breath, “Donna, is it something I can help you with?’
Donna didn’t answer right away. I was hoping this had nothing to do with Helen or Merri but I knew that it probably did.
“I just got off the phone with Helen. She asked my point blank if Gerard had been sleeping with Merri before she disappeared.”
Well shit, wasn’t this a great way to start the day? “Does she think that because of the pictures Merri drew?”
“No, it’s because of something Merri said.”
I sat up so quickly I hit my head on the top of the bunk. “Shit” I muttered.
“Laura, are you okay?”
“Sorry, I just stubbed my toe.” I said lying quite nicely. “Uh, you mean something Merri said before she disappeared?” God was I praying she would say yes.
“No, she told me that Merri said she can’t come home yet because she has some unfinished business she has to take care of.”
My mind was racing. “Merri called and talked to Helen?” I tried to keep my voice neutral.
“Helen said Merri called this morning very early.”
I interrupted her, “Merri called this morning. Was Helen shocked to hear from her after all this time?”
“Oh, very shocked. She said her heart leaped when she heard her voice. But I guess it really upset her when Merri said she wasn’t coming home.”
“Well did she say what the unfinished business was?” I looked down to see that I was actually clawing at the blanket with my other hand.
“Helen said that Merri told her she would try to come home soon.” Her voice took on a strange tone. “She left a message for Gerard.”
“A message for Gerard?” Fuck, I sounded like a parrot repeating words.
“That’s why I wanted to talk to him.”
“Oh” I said softly.
“Look Laura, I know my son has had some problems and I don’t pretend to even begin to understand. I just don’t want to upset him with Merri’s message.”
God, I had to handle this correctly. “I can’t imagine why a message from Merri would upset him. I mean they were friends.” Please God, let me sound sincere.
“Yes, they were friends. Merri spent so much time at our house, I loved the girl.”
“So I don’t understand”
“The message is strange. Maybe its just cause Merri has been gone so long and doesn’t know Gerard is married now.”
Holy shit my heart was pounding. A dead girl had left a love message for my husband. “Donna it’s okay if you want to tell me what she said.”
“Maybe I should just tell Gerard.” I could hear the uncertainty in her voice.
“That’s fine if you think that’s what you should do. I’m just telling you that I won’t be upset by any message Merri left for him.” Fuck how could I lie like this?
“Maybe it’s just the wording, I don’t really know. I’m probably just making a mountain out of a molehill. She said to tell Gerard that she still thinks about the last time she was downstairs in his room and how special that night was.”
I closed my eyes. This had to be some sick joke. I realized that Donna was waiting for me to speak. “I really don’t see any point in giving him that message, do you? I mean he’s never told me one way or another is he and Merri were involved but that was so long ago.”
“I think you’re right. I just can’t imagine Gerard taking advantage of Merri.”
Hold the phone. What was she saying? “Take advantage?”
“Well Merri was younger than him and he did have a girlfriend then. I don’t think my son would have been carrying on with Merri.”
Man, sometimes Mom’s had no clue. “Yeah,” I lied once again. “I’m sure you’re right.”
“Anyway” Donna said changing the subject. “Think you and Geared will have time to visit again?”
I cringed at the thought of Gerard going back to Jersey again, “I hope so. Promise to talk to him about it.”
We chatted a bit longer before hanging up. I flopped over and tossed the phone from my hand. What the hell was going on? Last time I checked dead people didn’t use telephones. Fuck, had Ray been lying all this time? Why would he? I had no idea but I did know it was time to have a heart –to-heart with him.


“"Christa I need to speak to Ray alone." I said making my intent to speak to him without her at his side quite clear.
Both Ray and Christa, who were seated together looking over a recently published article about the group, looked surprised. I had hunted Ray down as soon as the group had returned from the radio station. I didn't know where Gerard was at the moment and figured her would probably come looking for me soon. That didn't leave me much time to talk to Ray.
"Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Christa." Ray said meeting my glare.
"I need to speak to you about my husband. I'm sure you can understand why I want to speak to you alone." I broke off eye contact with him and looked at Christa, "Please." I said simply.
She looked at me sadly. "It's okay, Ray. I'm gonna head back to the bus." She stood and left the backstage area without saying anything else.
His eyes watched her walk away. As soon as she was out of sight he spoke, "What now Laura?"
His tone pissed me off. "What now is I want to know exactly just what the fuck happened the night Merri died."
A look of anger crossed his face. He looked around to make sure we were alone. "Why? Can't you just let this go?"
I sat down next to him. "Maybe I could if a dead girl hadn't left a message for my husband."
The look of anger was quickly replaced by shock. "What?"
"Donna called this morning to tell me that Helen had called her. It seems Merri called her mother. She told her she has unfinished business she has to take care of before she comes home." I let that sink in for a moment before I added, "And she left a message for Gerard."
Ray began shaking his head. "No, this can't be happening."
I was so upset I started to shake, "Ray, unless Helen made the phone call up someone called her. She evidently believes it was her daughter."
"Then she must be making it up." He took out a cigarette and I noticed his hands shook.
"Ray the message she left for Gerard....fuck. She said to tell him that she still remembered the last night they spent downstairs in his room."
His head fell. "Oh fuck."
I reached out and touched his arm, "Ray tell me the truth. Was she really dead? Did you really bury her?"
He moved his arm as if my touch burned him. "Fuck yeah she was dead. You want the fucking gory details, Laura? I'll give them to you. I walked into Gerard room to see the two of them together in bed. I wanted to fucking kill him. I walked over to the bed and that's when I saw all the blood. Her shirt was red with it. I freaked and started screaming. At first I thought Gee was dead too. But the more I screamed he moved." Ray took a deep drag. "Then I really fucking wanted to kill him. The woman I loved was laying beside him dead and the fucker was fucking wasted." He stopped and I could see in his mind he was reliving the scene. "Even in death she was so beautiful. I had to touch her, had to make sure there was no life left in her." His tone was a whisper. "She was so cold, so fucking cold."
"Ray what time was it?" I asked softly.
He looked surprised by the question, "Early, about 4 am. I had waited for her to meet me for hours. Finally I gave up and went to Helen's. There was a tree outside Merri's room that she would climb down to get out of the house without her Mom knowing. She used to climb down and I would watch her from the base of the tree." Once more he was lost in thought. "I used to be so fucking scared she'd fall."
This time when I touched his arm he didn't pull away, "You climbed up to her room?" I guessed.
He shook his head, "Yeah, her room was empty. On her desk was a portrait of Gerard she'd drawn. That's why I went to his house. I just knew I'd find them together."
"I'm sorry." I said meaning the words. "So sorry."
He shook his head, "Yeah well I figured I'd find them together but not that way. Not my Merri dead."
"Ray please I need to know the rest."
He turned to glare at me. "What? You need the details of how I decided to cover for my best friend?"
Fear filled my heart. "Cover for him? Oh my God, Ray. You think he killed her?"
Ray looked down. "I don't know. I do know she was messed up. So fucking confused and depressed."
"But you aren't sure are you? In your heart you aren't positive Gerard didn't stab her."
He wiped his eyes; "You've never seen him when he's completely wasted out of his mind. You don't know what he becomes. The other day when he was messed up, that was nothing."
My mind flashed back to Gerard growing angry with me that day. I could hear him calling me a bitch and pushing me. Oh fuck, no. No my mind screamed. He couldn't kill someone. God please, no.
"He didn't kill her,” I said but my voice lacked conviction.
"Laura, we will never know what really happened. There was no fucking note. What if he did? What if I've been covering for a murderer all this time?"
Tears were falling from my eyes. "No, I won't believe it. I just can't. Gerard wouldn't.." My voice trailed off. I turned from Ray and looked up to lock eyes with my husband who was standing there with a look of despair on his beautiful face.
"Gerard" I said his name and stood.
He shook his head and backed away. "No, Laura. Not this time. Not again. You can't fucking save me." With that he turned and disappeared before I could follow. My heart was breaking as I ran to try to catch up with him. I pushed open the exit door. He was nowhere to be seen. He was gone.