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"I can't find my fucking eyeliner", I growled to no one particular just to myself.
The whole mix of drugs, sex and rock & roll finally caught up with me over the last couple of days.
The heat, the chaos, the long hours, the lack of sleep, the booze, Ronald and being constantly on the road copped up in little moving vehicles made me be extra touchy and irritated and annoyed.
And I couldn't just snap at people but I was on the verge of blowing up.
"Just take mine", Gerard patted my back gently. He was annoyingly cool about the whole thing, but I guess he was used to touring, after all he did it for the past 4 years.
"You probably just misplaced it", Frankie offered me his sympathy, "It's like that time, Mikey stole my eyeliner and made me believe I lost it".
"For the last fucking time", Mikey emerged from the kitchen area with a spoon in his hand and he wasn't afraid to wave it at Frank, "I didn't touch your eyeliner".
I stood up and walked over to the bunks area to find Gerard's make up kit, he had a big make up kit, it was even bigger then mine.
I had trouble getting his suitcase from under the bed, the motherfucking bus kept moving and bumping and ugh! It was ridiculous! I don't know how I'll get used to life off the road again without constantly swaying on the spot.
Gerard joked that I even swayed when I walked on solid ground, I tried to tell him it's probably because of all the blood in my alcohol system but he only laughed harder at this.
This was another thing that started to get to me, the amount of alcohol and drugs on this tour were fucking unbelievable!
We drank by night and...Well drank by day too, I don't know how anybody functioned and how things were actually getting done but vodka became the new water here.
Some people even went to new lengths and used water bottle as their flasks...I mean really who could tell the difference between whisky and apple juice? Or water and vodka?
But jokes aside, I was worried about Gerard. He was more wasted then he was sober, I pushed all the guilt on Ben, his druggie of a friend but I was no better, so I didn't want to tell him not to do it.
I pulled out something that look like Gerard's make up kit only it was brown and not his usual black.
But what I found there wasn't make up...Oh how I wish it would've been make up, I'd give up everything at that second to find make up in there...

But instead I found million tiny pill bottles, I stared at them in horror and kept on digging through it, my stomach flipped and I felt like throwing up.
I laid my hand on my heart in a stupid attempt to stop it from racing so fast, my mind went completely blank too.
I poured the stuff out on the bed and stared at it, then something caught my eye.
In the bottom of the kit laid two little plastic bags full of white powder.
I gasped without a sound, but still not a single thought crossed my mind, I sat down on the floor of the bus gawping at all the pills bottles and the coke Gerard owned.
Gerard owned it...Gerard used it...Gerard...
And I was so stupid not to notice? Too stupid and self centered to notice his pain.
What kind of a fucking person am I not to notice this kind of thing.
And the other guys knew? They probably did but they didn't say anything, probably another one of their attempts to fucking protect me, they sucked at this.
I felt betrayed and stupid and small and sick.
How could I not notice this was going on to the guy who was my husband? How?
Oh my god! This is how he got wasted without smelling the part! Oh my god!
I'm such an idiot! I swear I am!

"Have you found the eyeliner?", Gerard froze when he saw what I was doing.
"No, but I found you stash", I said quietly.
"Sky, I can explain", he quickly came over and tried to put all his precious drugs back to in the kit. I slapped his arms away from it.
He stared at me in surprise, waiting to see what happens next.
"Why?", I screamed, losing control by the minute, "Fucking why?".
He shrugged.
"Fucking motherfucker", I yelled even louder, I just couldn't stop. I felt so hurt and guilty and I couldn't take it anymore, it was like screaming would take all these things away from me and I wouldn't feel it anymore, "Is it good? Huh?".
He didn't say anything.
"Fucking answer me", I hollered.
He still wouldn't.
I grabbed a pill bottle from the kit, the one he managed to put back before I slapped him, I popped it open with shaking hands and poured the content into my palm.
"Skyler", he kinda put his hand to stop me but I backed away from him and downed all the pills, I chocked a little and bit some of them which only caused the bitter taste to spread in my throat like venom.
"Don't do it", he stepped closer.
"I'm sure you can get more", he made another movement towards me, "Back the fuck away", I yelled, grabbing another half empty pill bottle, I examined it, "Are these my pain killers?", a bottle just like this went missing couple of weeks ago, leaving me with horrible ribs pains.
Didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore, I unscrewed that bottle as well and swallowed the rest of the pills.
"Skyler stop!", Gerard cried out, "Please stop, let's talk about it".
"We've got nothing to talk about, darling", I smirked, he looked lost, he couldn't stop me and he didn't want me to keep swallowing his shit, "Please just stop", he made another attempt to step closer but I pushed him away.
"Why should I?", I popped another pill, "You never did", and another pill made it's way into my mouth.
"Skyler! Stop!", he started to get mad and touched my shoulder.
"Don't fucking touch me", I hissed, "Ever again. Stay the fuck away from me".
"Calm down", he pleaded, I could see it in his eyes, my vision however started to go slightly fuzzy, "We can talk this through".
"Again Gerard?", I laughed bitterly and popped another pill, "We always talk, have you noticed? You tell me you love me and go back to fuck up".
"I'm serious! Stop!", he yelled at me.
But I didn't care, I felt light headed and numb, he can yell all he wants, "Do you remember I told you that one day you're sorry won't cut it?".
I drained another pill bottle and threw it at him, it hit him straight on the forehead.
My throat got really dry from all the screaming and the pills I swallowed, it felt kinda like the train of pills got stuck half way down my to stomach.
Gerard was getting frustrated so he kinda charged at me, grabbing the 3rd pillow bottle I unscrewed.
"Leave me alone!", I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"Stop it!", he tried to hug me down to calmness.
"No! Let go", I struggled to free myself from his grip.
I didn't want to be close to him, I didn't want to do it anymore, I had enough of Gerard Way.
I tried to hit him but he grabbed my wrists and twisted them behind my back, "Calm down, babe"
"No! Let go", I twisted and turned which hurt my hands even more, "You're hurting me"
He was caught of guard by that statement and released me, I took advantage at this opportunity and reached for more bottles on the bed. It was I tried to finish them off so he wouldn't. I guess the option of just throwing them away didn't occur to me.

Gerard ended up wrestling me down to the floor, he sat on my legs and grabbed my wrists, I went down literally kicking and screaming and biting.
"Now calm down", he barked at me, panting.
"I hate you", I spited on him.
He looked hurt but tighten his hold of my limbs, "Let me explain"
"I don't wanna", I sobbed, "I hate you and I don't want to see you ever again in my life"
"Skyler, you don't mean it", he said softly kinda like he was afraid that I did.
"I do", tears rolled on my cheek and I wriggled under him forcefully.
"Calm the fuck down and let me fucking explain", he pinned my arms to the floor above my head.
"Let me go", I cried, my whole body shaking, "Just let me go".
"Never", he tried to kiss me but I bit him hard.
"Fuck", he cried in pain.
I could taste his blood in my month and it made me cry even harder, "Let me go".
"No", he kinda shook me.
"I want to go", I said, I tried to cover my teary face with my hands so he wouldn't see but I couldn't, "I can't deal with you anymore, you never really cared about me, you had a choice and you chose coke over me, now let me go".
"We'll handle this", he said, trying to sound tender, "We always do"
"Not this time", I wailed, I had a hard time breathing and my head spun like crazy, "You've gone too far this time".
"You know you love me", he pressed himself even harder on me, "I know you love me. Say it and we'll be OK".
"No", I gasped for air.
"Say it", he lowered his face to mine, "Say that you love me".
There was some kind of urgency in his voice. I shook my head violently.
"Just say it", his voice was harsh now, "You never say it".
"No!", I shut my eyes, feeling like I might die from the surrealness of this whole weird dream, "Let me go", I cried and screamed in the same time.
Maybe dying wasn't such a bad idea, just one moment of pain and you don't have to suffer.

"Aw guys don't fuck where we all can see you", Frank walked lightly into the room with a little smirk on his face but when he saw my stained face and Gerard's bloody lip his jaw hung open, "What the fuck?".
I tried to wriggle away from Gerard again but he just threw me back on the floor.
I started crying again, screaming for him to let me go. Gerard, however, screamed back at me to shut up and tighten his grip on me.
"Calm down, man", Frankie rushed to pull Gerard off me.
Frankie managed to pull him to his feet for enough time to let me scramble up to mine, I wiped away my tears and was about to run off when Gerard pushed Frankie away from him and grabbed me by the arm again, "Don't go".
Frankie tried to push him away from me again and they had a little struggle until Gerard got tired and Frank held him back.
"Don't walk away from me", he pleaded.
"I'm getting a divorce", I sobbed.
Frankie made a face like what the fuck am I talking about.
"You're not serious!!", Gerard screamed in bewilderment.
"Watch me", I ran away through the bus, "I'm divorcing you".






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100th chapter!!!!!!!!! could you believe it??! I sure can't!
I just wanted to thank all the girls who stuck to this story and reviewed it and inspired me in so many ways!