FicWad

Title: The Other Eye of Sauron
Author: Cerasi J.
Co-Author: Dark
Rating: PG-13
Archive: FanFiction Online, FanFiction.Net. If you want it, drop us a line and let us know. =)
Feedback: We live for it!
Spoilers: The Two Towers
Summary: Gandalf has a problem with the younger generation, Boromir has showtune issues, and Bilbo is stalking Liv Tyler.
Disclaimer: Things we DON'T own! 1) Lord of the Rings or anything from Mr. Tolkein's wonderful books or Mr. Jackson's wonderful movies. 2) The song "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company. 3) Sauron's eyeball. 4) Dunkin' Donuts OR Eggo Waffles.

If you want to sue us for using any of these things, that's fine, go ahead, but you'll only wind up with our Magic the Gathering cards and LOTR on DVD.

---WARNING!!!!!---

We would also like to note that in this story everyone has a different personality, if you don't like it, don't read it. Flames will be printed and used to light the reviewer's car on fire. ::Cerasi J. and Dark smile sweetly.::

---

[Scene Number One: Prologue]

[Pretty, flowery text appears on screen and reads: "The Lord of the Rings". Pretty Elf lady with a valley girl accent begins to speak.]

Pretty Elf Lady: "The world is changed. I feel it in the ground. I smell it in the air. Blah, Blah, Blah. It began with the forging of the Great Rings and all that good stuff. Three of the rings were given to the Elves, (us, hehe!) immortal, fairest, and wisest of all the peeps in Middle Earth."

"Seven, to the Dwarf lords. Short, ugly little fellows who don't know what razors are. And nine, given to the Men, who above all else desire women, money, power, and more money. But they were all of them deceived. And in this really scary-looking volcano, in this really nasty place called Mordor, this really scary-looking dude named Sauron forged another ring. And into this ring, he poured his cruelty, his anger, and his want to rule all the peeps in Middle Earth. One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to bring them, and in the Darkness, eat them."

"But there were some who resisted. (And I mean, who wouldn't? To be eaten in a volcano is way too weird for me!) A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor, led by this REALLY hot Elf-dude named Elrond (Insert random drooling moment here!) Victory was near, but Sauron got really angry, and decided his Orcs and Goblins were ugly, useless things and went to kill the peeps himself, using his pretty little golden Ring."

"He killed all these Men, but not the Elves, 'cause you know, we're like, immortal and stuff, and oh yeah, there was this high king guy of this place called Gondor, and he got killed and his son took up his sword, but Sauron stepped on it, and broke it, but this guy used the broken part and cut the Ring off Sauron's hand and Sauron got killed, and this guy, whose name is Isildur, he was supposed to destroy the Ring to save the world, but he didn't and now we're all gonna die because of him!" [Deep breath.]

"And so anyways, on with the movie! Don't forget your popcorn and sodas, and stuff."

[Scene Number Two-The Shire]

[Insert cute and happy Hobbit music here.]

[Fade in, we see a young Hobbit man leaning against a tree. He is almost entirely hidden by the tall weeds and excessive foliage. As the camera pans closer to the young man, we see he is reading something. In the distance we hear whistling, and the young man sits up guilty and stuffs whatever he was reading under an exposed tree root. The camera focuses in on the object, it's a /Playboy /magazine. The whistling grows louder and the young man climbs to his feet, he realizes who the whistler is. He smiles broadly and the Rabid Elijah Wood fan girls all sigh longingly.]

[The young man takes off into the forest, running surprisingly fast for having such short legs. He makes it to a bank where he skids to a halt and mock-glares at a figure in a cart below.]

[The camera pans downward and we see Gandalf the Grey playing air guitar.]

Gandalf: "I feel like makin' love! Dun-uh-dun-Dun-uh-dun, I FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOVE TO YOOOUUUU!!! Dun-uh-dun-Dun-uh-dun...!" [Gandalf looks up to see Frodo Baggins standing on a fairly tall hill. Frodo has wide eyes and is observing Gandalf in what some could only call pure terror.]

[Gandalf hastily removes his head phones and stashes his portable CD player in one of the many pockets of his robe. He clears his throat and stops the cart, fidgeting and looking very uncomfortable.]

Frodo: "You're late." [Attempts to hide a smile, we hear the fan girls sigh again.]

Gandalf: "No, you're late."

[Frodo blinks, but takes the bait.]

Frodo: "Late for what?"

Gandalf: "Well. Whatever I'm late for!"

Frodo: "But I'm not late! I've been here all along!"

Gandalf: "Don't back talk me, boy." [Gandalf Thwaps Frodo with his staff.]

Frodo: "OWWIE!"

Gandalf: [Mumbles] "Young whippersnappers..."

[Frodo climbs into the cart.]

Frodo: "Bilbo's up to something."

Gandalf: "Oh, and you know this how?"

Frodo: "Well... he locks himself in his room with lots of maps and pictures of an Elf girl... I'm beginning to suspect something."

[Gandalf grunts in reply.]

Frodo: "So. How's it hangin'?"

Gandalf: [Shrugs and mumbles] "I dunno, these new aged schmucks, always think they know what's best for us old folk... damn whippersnappers." [Gandalf points dramatically at the sky.] "WHIPPERSNAPPERS! ALL OF YA'S!!!"

Frodo: "Huh?" o.O

Gandalf: "Don't act like you didn't hear me, you little hypocrite..."

Frodo: "Gandalf... have you been drinking?"

Gandalf: "You see what I mean! You whippersnappers, always tryin' to control us! Go on, get!" [Gandalf Thwaps Frodo repeatedly with his staff until Frodo jumps off the cart and runs for his life.]

[Gandalf continues mumbling about the decaying younger generation and the camera follows the cart along the twisty, windy road until we reach Bag End, where Gandalf climbs out of the cart and spies a sign hanging on the gate.]

[The sign reads: No admittance! Except on party business! (Milkman, UPS man and Schwan Man please disregard!) ]

Gandalf: "UPS man...? Huh." [Shaking his head and ignoring the sign, Gandalf held out his hand and the gate swung open as a result of his mighty wizard powers.]

Gate: "Hey! It was either that or be chopped up into firewood! You never know with these wizards!"

Gandalf: "Quiet! Damn young whippersnappers, always thinking they have to back talk!"

[Gandalf makes his way to the house, where he uses his staff to knock on the door.]

Voice: "Go away!"

Gandalf: "Like hell I will! I just got here from Gondor! Do you know how much that hurts? Riding on a horse from Gondor all the way to the Shire? No! Didn't think so! Now get your little Hobbit ass out here and say hello to me!"

[The door opens and out steps Bilbo Baggins.]

Bilbo: "Gandalf! Gandalf my friend!" [Bilbo steps out of the house to hug his friend.]

[We all know what happens at this point, don't we? Bilbo invites Gandalf inside for a little drinkie and Gandalf discovers Bilbo is one screwed up dude. Bilbo is puttering about his kitchen, muttering to himself.]

Bilbo: "We've got some cold chicken... and a bit of pickle..." [Gandalf is clearly ignoring Bilbo and decides to snoop through some of his friend's papers. He lifts up a stack of maps, several of which are labeled "Map to Liv Tyler's House". He also finds several biographies on Aerosmith. He raises an eyebrow but says nothing.]

[Bilbo enters the living room, only to find Gandalf is gone.]

Bilbo: "I've found a package of hot dogs and a box of macaroni and chee-... Gandalf?" [Bilbo is confused.]

Gandalf: [From the kitchen.] "Just tea, thank you. And none of that damned lemon, you know I hate that stuff."

[Bilbo is confused as to how Gandalf got into the kitchen, he figured it was probably one of his many wizard tricks, but we all really know it was Gandalf's Star Trek Transporter that he bought off of E-Bay for fifty bucks. Nevertheless, Bilbo and Gandalf go into the kitchen to have a spot of tea.]

Gandalf: "Frodo suspects something."

Bilbo: "Of course he does! It's in the script! Err, I mean, he's a Baggins!"

Gandalf: "I mean about your... /ahem/, Liv Tyler... /ahem/, problem...."

Bilbo: "Oh."

[Bilbo sighs.]

Bilbo: "I feel old, Gandalf..."

Gandalf: "And you should, dude! You're a hundred-eleven years old, it's about time you feel like Bob Barker or someone!"

Bilbo: [Points a warning finger at Gandalf] "Hey, you wanna talk old, buddy? Why don't you take a look in a friggin' mirror sometime, huh?"

Gandalf: [Raises his hands in a surrendering gesture] "I didn't come here for a fight."

Bilbo: [Mumbles] "Yeah, that's a new one."

[Flash forward to that evening, Bilbo and Gandalf are sitting outside before the party smoking their pipes. What they are smoking we will not disclose, we assume it's tobacco, but hey, you never know with those wizards.]

Gandalf: "Whoa... whatever we're smokin'... it's /nice/."

Bilbo: "You're not joking there."

Gandalf: "Who said I was joking???" [Beats Bilbo over the head with his staff, then gets up and leaves.]

Bilbo: [Insert obscenities of choice here.]

[Scene Number Three-Bilbo's Birthday Party]

[Bilbo is seen drinking from at least three dozen mugs of ale at once. He has also been smoking heavily, and now he sits in front of three hobbit children, attempting to see past his drunken stupor to tell them a story.]

Bilbo: "And so there Gandalf was... I and was with him. Dragons stood three monstrous trolls... the end."

First Hobbit Child: "The old man's whacked. Let's blow this joint."

Second Hobbit Child: "No! Let's steal his wallet!"

[The children proceed to steal Bilbo's wallet, then run off. Frodo attempts to catch the children, and instead runs into a monstrous horse with a Black Rider]

Black Rider: "Shire... Baggins..."

Frodo: "Yo, sup ma homie? Dis is da shire, and dis is a Baggins."

[Black Rider stares.]

Frodo: "Sup dude? What the hell's your prob?"

[Black Rider screeches in fear and rides off as fast as he can.]

Frodo: "Nice kid. Nice kid." [It then becomes obvious to everyone that Frodo is also drunk, considering as how he was just seen speaking to a rabbit.]

[Moments later...]

People in Crowd: "Speech, Bilbo! Speech!"

Bilbo: "No, I am NOT on speed!"

[Gandalf leans down and whispers to Bilbo that the crowd is demanding a speech, NOT proclaiming that he is on Speed. Gandalf then Thwaps Bilbo over the head with his wizard stick. Bilbo goes onto the stage, now being seen as the tallest Hobbit in the Shire, standing a whopping four feet tall.]

Bilbo: "Howdy, y'all. Yeh, today's Frodo took my 111th birthday, and Gandalf ate my stinkweed."

[Gandalf holds his head in shock and shame.]

Bilbo: "If I Shire was morning, hey beautiful, doves and onions.... potato soup, apples and Bozos!"

[Translation for Bilbo's incoherent babble: /"Good Evening my fellow Hobbits! It's been a wonderful hundred years being with you all, and I wish I had longer, but I have to go to Rivendell to finish my book, and all that good stuff."/]

Bilbo: "Indeed now! If please give me money, Frodo will be taking Gandalf to Rivendell because I'm a f*face."

[Bilbo looks around at all of his Hobbit brothers, who are eyeing him warily. He reaches into his pocket and slips something behind his back.]

Bilbo: "If give my going now. Fond hobbits, Frodo pork and Gandalf peanut butter."

[Translation for Bilbo's incoherent babble: /"I regret to inform you that this is the end!"/]

[All the Hobbits at the party are now thoroughly confused. Gandalf is rolling his eyes and mumbling obscene things about Bilbo. Frodo is basically doing the same. We hear a blood curdling shriek and Bilbo disappears, there is relived and happy murmuring from all the Hobbits.]

[Scene Number Four-Bilbo's Drunken Journey to Bag End]

[An invisible Bilbo stumbles up the stone steps to Bag End, he trips on a flowerpot Sam left on the front porch and swears profusely. The door swings open and then shuts. We are now inside Bag End. We hear another blood curdling shriek and Bilbo reappears. He laughs merrily and tosses something into the air, catches it in his hand and shoves it back in his pocket.]

[Bilbo putters about his home for a bit, shoving things in a Digimon backpack. Some of the things he throws into the pack include Aerosmith's "Toys in the Attic" album, Armageddon on DVD, three packages of Mrs. Field's milk chocolate chip cookies, two peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwiches, one of the many maps to Liv Tyler's house, his fluffy cloud blanket, a cell phone, and his beloved stuffed kangaroo, Jonesy. He makes his way into the living room to double check that he had the right map when someone says...]

Gandalf: "You think you're pretty f*ing clever, don't you?"

[Bilbo jumps as high as Long's Peak and whirls to face Gandalf.]

Bilbo: "You scared me!" [He scowls and stomps out of the room.]

Gandalf: "Where do you think you're going?"

Bilbo: "To change my pants!"

[Bilbo returns from changing his pants. He decided to change the rest of his ensemble as well. He now dressed as a scale version of Indiana Jones. He steps into the living room where Gandalf is again smoking... well, we choose not to disclose what exactly he is smoking. Gandalf looks at Bilbo in disbelief.]

Gandalf: "A little early for Halloween, don't you think?"

Bilbo: [Scowls at Gandalf and goes back to packing. He points at a bottle on the table.] "Hand me that clog juice over there." [Gandalf hands Bilbo a gallon jug of Drain-O and Bilbo chugs it down.]

Gandalf: "Everyone in the Shire is talking about your act."

Bilbo: "Really? Was I good? Do you think I'll win an Oscar?"

Gandalf: "No, if anything, Frodo will get the Oscar because his groupies will kill everyone who refuses to give him an award."

[Bilbo mumbles cruel things about the Frodo Fan Girls.]

Gandalf: "So, remind me again why you're leaving... and this time say it slow so I can bloody write down your new address!"

Bilbo: [Rolls his eyes] "I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains! And find a nice, quiet place to finish my book."

Gandalf: "You're writing a book? What about?"

Bilbo: "Oh! It's murder-mystery, you see it starts out about-..."

[Off screen we hear a very annoyed Peter Jackson.]

Jackson: "NO YOU BLOODY STUPID FOOLS! THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY!! AW, JUST GET ON WITH IT!" [Mr. Jackson hurls a brick in the direction of Bilbo's head, by this time J.R.R. Tolkien is turning over in his grave.]

[Gandalf notices that Bilbo is playing with something in his pocket.]

Gandalf: "Uh... Bilbo? Uh... what exactly are you doing?"

[He looks pointedly at Bilbo's hand. Bilbo turns red and pulls an object out of his pocket, he strokes it lovingly.]

Bilbo: "Nothing! Uh... you will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?"

Gandalf: "Yes... two of them, I have two eyes in the back of my head, you know. They just had Lasic surgery, I've never seen better before in my life!"

[Bilbo blinks, shakes his head and continues.]

Bilbo: "I'm leaving him everything... Bag End, my Enron stocks-but he might as well use those for fire starters, eh? HA!-my trunk of gold that I have buried in the backyard... my house in Aspen, the Porsche... the penthouses in Frisco, New York City and Havana... everything..."

Gandalf: "Are you leaving him that thing... the thing you're playing with and calling your precious?"

Bilbo: "Uh... well, uh..."

Gandalf: "I'm sure he'd want it, if you loved it so... he could treasure it forever and always think of you when he sees it. Then he could pawn it when he runs out of money from throwing wild keggers in the Bahamas."

Bilbo: "Ehh... well... when you put it that way, maybe I'll just take it with me..."

Gandalf: "BILBO BAGGINS!" [At this point he seems to grow taller, but, like most old people he forgets his line.]

Gandalf: "Aw, screw it! Just gimme the damn thing!" [He takes a swipe at the object in Bilbo's hand.]

[Bilbo takes a step back and trips over his stuffed kangaroo who was attempting to escape from his Digimon backpack. The object in his hand flies across the room and lands by the front door. Gandalf scrambles to reach it first. He leans down to see the object.]

Gandalf: [Gasps] "THE OTHER EYE OF SAURON!"

[The camera pans to the object and it is, indeed, the thing Sauron had been searching for since the beginning of his days... his left eyeball. In the background we see Bilbo picking himself up off the floor and looking around in a dazed manner, Gandalf leans down to pick up the object.]

Other Eye of Sauron: "Hey. Don't even think about it." [A bolt of electricity passes through Gandalf, leaving the tips of his fingers smoking.]

Bilbo: [Stuffs his kangaroo back in his backpack] "Uh, hey, you know what? Maybe I'd better go, you know, before Sam and Pippin get drunk and burn my house down or something..."

Gandalf: "Yes... you'd better be off, I'll walk you to the door."

[Gandalf and Bilbo walk to the door and exchange many heart-felt goodbyes.]

Bilbo: "Say, would you mind giving an old friend... a head start, shall we say?"

Gandalf: [Smiles] "Not at all." [With that, Gandalf rears back and drop kicks Bilbo. Bilbo goes flying through the air and doesn't land until he's halfway to Rivendell. Gandalf goes back inside to await the return of a sure-to-be drunken Frodo Baggins.]

[Scene Number Five-Bag End]

Frodo: "Bilbo! Bilbo? Ready or not, here I come!" [Frodo bursts through the door and sees Sauron's left eye laying on the floor.]

Frodo: "What this? An eyeball?"

[With his back to the door, Frodo bends down to pick it up, all his fan girls rush to the door and begin snapping pictures of his rear end. Enraged, Frodo stands up and slams the door. Gandalf, who is sitting in a chair by the fire, again smoking that unknown substance, mumbles something about riddles in the dark, Frodo is sure mumbling is just a side effect of the pot.]

Gandalf: "The Other Eye of Sauron."

Frodo: "Cool." [Frodo places the eyeball in his pocket]

Gandalf: "DON'T TOUCH THAT, YOU LITTLE HYPOCRITE!!!" [Gandalf throws himself at Frodo, who steps to one side, and opens the door. Gandalf goes flying out like a missile Frodo laughs and slams the door.]

Frodo: [Plays with the Eyeball] "Ew... it's squishy! [Bounces it on the floor.]

[Meanwhile, Gandalf beats on the door.]

Frodo: "Dude, buzz off. The eyeball's mine!"

Gandalf: "OPEN THIS DOOR, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!!"

[Frodo opens a window.]

Frodo: "Why do you want it?"

Gandalf: "Because! I happen to have an eyeball collection and this is a very fine specimen!"

Frodo: "That's disgusting."

Gandalf: "Look, lemme in, okay? Then we can move along with the plot."

[Frodo decides to let Gandalf back in.]

Gandalf: [Mumbles] "Jerk."

Frodo: "Sorry. So, what're we gonna do about this eyeball thing? Why is it so important?"

Gandalf: "Sauron is looking for his other eye... when he was a child his mother told him if he got a BB gun for Christmas he'd put his eye out, and he did. Then someone stole his eye... and it enraged him so much he declared war on the whole world just to find it."

Frodo: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Gandalf: "Yes... I know... but the eye must be destroyed! It wants to get back to its master! And if he has it he will use it to hunt down the man who stole it in the first place and once again declare war on the whole world."

Frodo: "Well... wouldn't he declare war anyway if we destroyed it?"

Gandalf: "... SHUT UP!" Thwaps/ Frodo with his stick again.]

Frodo: "OW! Dammit, will you STOP that?"

Gandalf: "NEVER!" [/Thwap, thwap, thwap!

Frodo: "AWK!" [Ducks the stick] "STOP IT! Now, listen, why must we destroy this thing?"

Gandalf: "Are you daft? It's an EYEBALL! SAURON'S EYEBALL! If we don't destroy it he'll declare war on the whole WORLD!!!"

Frodo: "You just said YOU wanted it! And besides, then he'll be blind! And c'mon, he'd be more likely to declare war on us if we did destroy it!"

Gandalf: "If you back talk me again, I'll turn Sam into a frog!"

Frodo: "Good! He could stand to lose the weight!"

Reader: "Can we please get on with the story?"

Frodo: "Yeah, yeah, all right..."

Gandalf: "You must leave! And do it fast, I don't have all friggin' day!" [Leaves rustle outside the window.] "GET DOWN!"

Frodo: [Snorts and rolls eyes.] "Yeah, like someone is gonna attack me to get Sauron's eyeball. C'mon, gimme a break."

[Gandalf, however, seems to think otherwise. He quickly grabs his staff and sticks it out the window. /Thwap, thwap!/]

Eavesdropper: "OWWIE!"

[Gandalf reaches out the window and hauls a surprised Arwen inside.]

Frodo: "WOOHOO!! I want to be eavesdropped on more often!"

Gandalf: [Confused] "What are you doing here?"

Arwen: [Brushes off her dress in an indignant manner] "I was trying to see if that little creep Bilbo was still here. He's stalking me, I just know he is. I'm here to ring his neck and get that little pendant thingy back so I can give it to-... um... never mind."

[Arwen begins looking for the door.]

Frodo: "Aw, leaving so soon? How about a cup of tea? Candlelight dinner for two? A Long Island Iced Tea in Jamaica, maybe?"

[Arwen ignores Frodo and walks out the door. She closes the door behind her and we hear Frodo groan.]

Frodo: "Aw, I never get the girl! Will I get the girl at the end of this movie?"

Gandalf: [Muses] "If they make a Deep Impact II, maybe..."

Frodo: -.-"

[At this point in time we hear more leaves rustling outside.]

Gandalf: "GET DOWN!"

[Frodo sighs and reluctantly throws himself to the floor.]

[Gandalf once again sticks his staff out the window. /Thwap, thwap!!/]

Second Eavesdropper: "OWWIE!!!"

[Gandalf hauls the second eavesdropper inside; this newest Listening Tom is none other than Samwise Gamgee.]

Sam: "Owwie... mean old Gandalf hit my head!" [Sam begins to cry and runs to Frodo.]

Frodo: [Pats Sam's head like a child] "Shhh... it's okay, Sammie, I won't let that mean wizard hurt you no more! Shhh... it's okay..."

[Gandalf rolls his eyes.]

Gandalf: "Well, now that you're here you two can get going, right? I mean, you guys need to destroy that eyeball..."

Sam: "Eyeball?" o.O

Frodo: "Can I take your CD player with me?"

Gandalf: "Yes, fine, NOW GO!!!"

Frodo: "Hooray!!!"