FicWad

[Chapter Two]

[Gandalf leaves, but not before giving Sam a message: "You lose him and I swear to God I'll make you wish you'd never been born!" He accompanied this message by grabbing Sam by the shirtfront, picking him up and holding him at eyelevel. Gandalf then gives Sam a good shake to emphasize his threat. Sam scampers home to pack his things.]

Frodo: [Confused] "What did you say to him?"

Gandalf: "Um... it's not important! Stay off the road, and only travel by nightfall, don't talk to or accept rides from strangers! And if they give you candy run for your life!"

Frodo: "Um... okay..."

Gandalf: "And remember Frodo... try to refrain from touching the eyeball... and under no circumstances should you ever poke it!"

Frodo: "Poke the eye."

Gandalf: "Yes."

Frodo: [Rolls eyes.]

[Scene Number Six-Sam and Frodo's Trek Through the Shire]

[Flash forward to Frodo and Sam trudging across the Shire, we see several scenes of the two Hobbits. First they are cooking dinner under a large tree, smoking... an unknown substance. Next, Frodo is seen wearing Gandalf's headphones.]

Frodo: "And she's buying a Stairway... to /Heeeeaaaaveeennnnnn.../!"

[Next, we see Frodo and Sam relaxing casually against a tree, they are smoking their pipes again, because no one ever bothered to warn the poor, little hobbits about what tobacco can lead to, you know, lung cancer and all of that. Anywho, they are staring at the stars, exchanging fairly amusing blonde jokes when they hear people singing...]

Wood Elves: "HIGH HO! HIGH HO! IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GO!"

Frodo: "Wood Elves!"

[Frodo and Sam rush across the clearing and peer over a fallen log. There is a long line of Elves trudging through the Shire. Frodo and Sam look at each other and exchange evil grins, Sam pulls a straw from his pocket and Frodo hides a snicker. Suddenly we hear, splat! Followed by...]

Elf Woman: "EWWW!!! WHAT'S IN MY HAIR????" [Frodo and Sam are now rolling on the ground, laughing. We pan back to the Elf woman who is pulling a spit wad from her hair. She glares in the direction of the fallen tree and rushes over. Frodo had the good sense to hide behind a tree while Sam was still rolling around on the ground laughing, the Elf woman grabs Sam around the neck and starts to choke him Homer Simpson style.]

[Flash forward to the next morning; Frodo and Sam are walking across Farmer Maggot's field. Sam suddenly stops.]

Sam: "If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest-..."

Frodo: "Did I tell you to stop? NO! DIDN'T THINK SO! Get that fat ass movin', Gamgee!" [Frodo Thwaps Sam with his walking stick.]

[Sam looks shocked and surprised, his eyes well up with tears, we know old Gamgee's about to sob his eyes out when suddenly two people come flying out of the corn field, one crashes into Frodo and one crashes into Sam. They are none other than our favorite, silly hobbits, Pippin Took and Merry Brandybuck.]

Pippin: "Merry! Look! It's Frodo Baggins!"

Merry: "AWK!! And he has an MP3/CD player, look at that!" [He snatches Frodo's CD player and glares jealously at him.]

[Merry and Pippin both get up and Sam and Frodo drag themselves to their feet.]

Sam: [To Pippin] "Watch where you're goin' next time, dumbass!"

[Frodo notices the pile of vegetables; he picks up a carrot and munches thoughtfully.]

Frodo: "Well. I feel like running and screaming for no apparent reason, how about you good chaps?"

[All the hobbits agree and take off running, screaming as if they were being chased by rabid, salivating elves. The little hobbits come across a rather large pothole in the road; Pippin stops and sighs in relief. All the other hobbits stop and peer into the pothole, they all look at each other and shrug. They promptly throw themselves down the hill. They scream bloody murder until they reach the bottom; they land in a pile on top of each other. Pippin just "happens" to land on Sam's shoulders, thus pinning him to the ground, Pippin then uses this opportunity to slam Sam's face into the dirt several times.]

Pippin: "CALL ME A DUMBASS WILL YA???" Slam, slam!

Merry: "MUSHROOMS!!" [Merry, Pippin and Sam all rush for the little white beings and begin picking them and putting them in their sacks.]

Magic Mushroom: "Spare my life and I will grant you thr-..." [Merry ignores the mushroom, yanks it out of the ground and crams it in his mouth, chewing hungrily.]

[Frodo stares thoughtfully down the road, the wind begins to blow and the road does all sorts of crazy and funky things. Frodo blinks and looks again; the road is still acting funny.]

Frodo: "Uh... I think we should get off the road, dudes."

[Merry, Pippin and Sam ignore him and continue stuffing their faces with mushrooms.]

[By now the road is starting to speak Spanish and offers Frodo a Corona.]

Frodo: "GET OFF THE ROAD! QUICK!"

Merry: [Around a mouthful of his magic mushroom] "Why?"

Frodo: "Because, I said so! I'm the Ring Bearer, damnit!" [Frodo throws a brick at Merry and it bounces off his head with a metallic clang.]

Merry: "HAH! My siege-heil armor is far too grand for your puny bricks!"

[Merry then sieg-heils Frodo. All the hobbits scramble under a large redwood tree which is conveniently placed there. They hear the sounds of tires crunching on gravel.]

Tour Guide: "And to our left we have four hobbits hiding under a tree root!"

Tourists: "Ooh! Ahh!" [Flash bulbs go off all around, all the hobbits cower in fear.]

[When they are sure the dreaded Tourists are gone, they all look at each other, they hear a dreadful sniffing sound. Pippin gathers enough courage to peek over the large tree. Behind the tree log sits a Ringwraith with his hood pulled down.]

Frodo: [Whispers to Pippin, his tone fearful] "What the hell is that?"

Merry: "I think its one of the Ringwraith dudes that we learn about later in the movie!"

Sam: "Yes... but what is it?"

Frodo: [Stutters as the horror sinks in] "I-it's Ken Lay... from Enron!!" [All the hobbits shudder and continue to peep over the log.]

Pippin: "W-what's... he doing?"

[We pan to the Ringwraith, who is sitting in an extremely large pile of money; he is picking up handfuls of it and holding it to his nose, inhaling deeply.]

Audience: "Oh no! Not Ken Lay!!"

First Audience Member: "WALLET CHECK!!" [All the audience members search their purses and back pockets for their wallets, there is a relieved collective sigh from all the audience members.]

[Ken Lay suddenly stops reviling in the smell of freshly stolen money and gets the creepy feeling that someone other than the FBI is watching him. He turns around in a ridiculously slow manner, giving our heroes time to hide.]

Frodo: "Damn! Hide, before he tries to steal our money!"

[Ken Lay leans over the side of the log, sniffing.]

Ken Lay: "FEE-FI-FO-FUM!"

[All the hobbits cower in fear, Sam whimpers and whispers to Merry...]

Sam: "I think I wet myself..."

Merry: "Oh for the love of God..."

[Pippin points to a large bug crawling on Frodo's shoulder, Frodo however is more interested in the object in his pocket... he reaches into his pocket... and pulls out a bag of Mini Chips Ahoy. By this time, Ken Lay is bored of waiting for the hobbits to show themselves and goes off to count his money again, just to make sure one of his many faithful workers hadn't taken a dollar to buy food for their hungry families. The hobbits decide that this is the time to make a run for it.]

Merry: "Quick! Get to Bree!"

[Scene Number Seven-The Hobbits Flee Ken Lay's Evil, Money Grubbing Grasp]

[Flash to scenes of screeching, evil looking Ringwraith dudes and the Hobbits running from Ken Lay. Finally, the four little dudes arrive in Bree.]

Gatekeeper: [Is kinda ticked off at the little dudes, seeing as how he was right in the middle of a of very engrossing game of Tetris.] "What the hell do you want?"

Frodo: "How dare you! I'm Elijah Wood, now, stand aside, unworthy peasant!"

Gatekeeper: "Screw you! You'll tell me what you want, or I'll feed you to the elves!"

[Pan to a cage full of salivating, roaring elves.]

Sam: [Rushes up] "WE'RE SO SORRY!!! PLEASE FORGIVE US!!!" [Sam breaks down in tears and cowers behind Pippin.]

Frodo: "Please, don't mind our fat little hobbit friend. But, um, anyways... we're heading for /The Prancing Pony/. Our business is our own."

Gatekeeper: "Fine, hell with ya then."

[Gatekeeper opens the Gate, and the hobbits rush through, with Sam still crying like a baby girl. The hobbits walk through Bree, being pushed around and stepped on by numerous people. Finally, Frodo takes his walking stick and "Pulls a Gandalf" on these annoying people. /Thwap, thwap!/]

CERASI'S NOTE: I would like to point out that every time I type "Thwap!" my brother, (Dark) gives me a dollar. Thank you. ::Dark glares at Cerasi and hurls a brick in the direction of her head::

[The hobbits walk into /The Prancing Pony/. all the eyes in the room turn and stare at them, this causes Sam to cling to Pippin.]

Pippin: "Oy! Get off!" [Kicks Sam]

Frodo: "Excuse me? Hello? Damnit, I'm Elijah Wood! Can I get some friggin' service around here???"

Innkeeper: "Yes?"

Merry: [Salutes] "HIEL HITLER!"

[Pippin, Frodo and Sam all turn and stare at Merry.]

Pippin: "What the hell kind of mushroom did you eat, Merry?"

Innkeeper: "What do you want???" [We hear the cocking of a sawed-off shotgun.]

Frodo: [Gulps] "We wish to stay at the inn."

Innkeeper: "Do ya now?"

[Cut across the room, we see a slightly drunken elf chick stumble down the stairs followed by an also slightly drunken Strider.]

Arwen: [Gives Strider a peck on the cheek] "Oh, I must be going. My father is having his lips downsized." [Arwen walks out of the inn, and Strider takes a place in that dark corner looking very happy. Strider lights up a cigarette. O.o]

[Cut back across the room to the hobbits, who have now talked the innkeeper into putting the gun down and giving them a room. They make their way to a table in the corner and order up a round.]

[Merry comes back to the table with a rather large mug.]

Pippin: [In disbelief, and in his cute Scottish accent] "What's that?"

Merry: "This my friend, is a Venti." [He takes a long swallow of his cappuccino.]

Pippin: "It comes in Venti? I'm getting one!"

Sam: "But you've had a Grande already! You'll be bouncing off the walls, Pippin!"

[Pippin offers Sam an obscene gesture and scampers off in the direction of the bar. Frodo, however, doesn't notice, he is busy scarfing down that bag of Mini Chips Ahoy. But he suddenly remembers the other, other object in his pocket... The Other Eye of Sauron. He forgets his cookies and decides to play with the eyeball instead. He takes it out of his pocket and bounces it on the table. He holds it to his face to get a better look at it, the eyeball blinks at him.]

Frodo: "AHHH!!!"

[From the other side of the room we hear Pippin chatting happily with some rather strange looking folk at the bar.]

Pippin: "Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins, Frodo Baggins! Why do you ask? Oh, he owes you money?"

Frodo: [Gets up and dashes across the room, but everything is actually in slow-mo] "Pippin!"

[Frodo trips over a plot bump, (plot holes are so overused!) and goes flying. The eyeball slips out of his hand, he looks up at it and it continues to blink at him. As the eyeball falls he reaches out to catch it and winds up poking it.]

Other Eye of Sauron: "OWWW!!! YOU LITTLE SON OF A--...!!!"

[Suddenly Frodo is transported into a different world, there is the loud whistling of wind, and a giant blinking eye is staring down at him.]

Sauron's Eye: "There is no life in the void only..." [He is cut off by a loud shrieking. A bird flies into Sauron's eye.]

Sauron: "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

[Frodo is scrambling for The Other Eye, he finds it and pokes it hard. He is warped back to The Prancing Pony. He finds he is hiding under a table, when someone grabs him roughly and drags him to the stairs.]

Frodo: "HELP! HELP! PRIEST ON THE LOOSE! HELP!!!"

Strider: [Slams Frodo into the wall, knocking him out.] "Shut up will you???"