FicWad

[Chapter Three]

[Scene Number Eight-The Hobbits Meet Strider]

[We see Strider throw Frodo roughly onto the floor in his room upstairs. Frodo hits the floor with an echoing /thump!/]

Frodo: "OW!! What do you want from me?"

Strider: "A little more caution, that's no trinket you carry."

Frodo: "Wow, did you think that up all by yourself?"

[At this point in time, Pippin, Merry and Sam burst through the door. Strider looks surprised and draws his sword, Sam screams and hides behind Pippin again.]

Pippin: "Whoa, Frodo, dude..." [He begins backing out of the room.] "Whoa, look... we didn't know you were, you know, like that... but now we understand why you wanted to get to Bree-..."

Frodo: "SHUT UP, PIPPIN! I'M NOT GAY!" [Hurls a brick in the direction of Pippin's head.]

[Strider ignores the bickering between the hobbits.]

Strider: [To Frodo] "Are you afraid?"

Frodo: "Well... when I was child I was afraid of the dark, and the monsters in my closet, they still live there, you know."

[Frodo thinks back to his time as a child, we are flashed back to Bag End, where we see a typical little hobbit boy's bedroom. Homemade pictures taped on the walls, model airplanes hanging from the ceiling, the works. Bilbo is sitting on Frodo's bed. Frodo is perhaps six or seven years old and is nestled in bed, the blankets tucked up around him, making him look sickeningly adorable.]

Bilbo: "And so the three bears had Goldilocks arrested for trespassing and breaking and entering. The End!"

[Frodo yawns, his cute blue eyes wide and his dark hair slightly messy, we hear all the Elijah Wood/Frodo Fan Girls go, "AWWWW!!!!"]

Frodo: "That was a great story, Uncle Bilbo."

Bilbo: "Thank you, my dear boy, I made that up myself you know!"

Frodo: [Blinks those loveable big eyes again] "Even the part where the mama bear gets mad and eats Goldilocks' arm?"

Bilbo: "Eh... yes... well, actually Gandalf made that part up!" [Bilbo leans down and plants a kiss on the top of Frodo's head.] "Well, goodnight!"

[He reaches over and turns out the lamp, which is shaped like a scary, evil-looking dragon. Bilbo gets up and leaves, humming Aerosmith's "Walk This Way".]

[Now everything is dark and creepy looking to a little boy, his mind is beginning to play tricks on him, the coat hanging on the door is beginning to look like a vampire. The large, overstuffed teddy bear in the corner seems to grow fangs. You know, the usual. Frodo whimpers and pulls the covers up over his head. The camera pans downward, we can see under Frodo's bed. Under Frodo's bed are Mike and Sully from /Monster's Inc./]

Sully: [Whispers] "I've got it again, Mike... an eerie feeling like there's something on top of the bed." [Mike nods.]

[Flash forward, we're back in /The Prancing Pony/. Frodo thinks for a moment after letting the memory come to him.]

Frodo: "Eh, you know what? Maybe I am scared."

Strider: [Rolls his eyes] "I could use a drink."

Merry: "Ditto."

Sam: "But you've had five already!"

Merry: [Glares at Sam] "HEIL HITLER!" [He goosesteps off in the direction of the bar.]

[Frodo, Pippin and Sam blink in a confused manner as Strider and Merry start off towards the bar.]

[Flash forward to later that night, when Merry and Strider stumble to up the room to sleep off all the Jack Daniel's they downed in the past two hours. Merry climbs into the bed next to Sam, (get your minds out of the gutter, you pervs!), who was still traumatized from the encounter with Ken Lay and is huddled pitifully next to Pippin who was rolling his eyes and glaring at Frodo. Finally taking the hint, Frodo gets up and plugs in a nightlight shaped like a Care Bear. Sam sighs happily and finally drifts off to sleep. Strider is sitting in a chair by the window, dozing.]

[Scene Number Nine-The Ringwraiths Storm Bree]

[Cut to the city streets of Bree. We hear something that sounds like horse hooves, the Gatekeeper again pauses his Nintendo and goes to investigate. A pack of Ringwraiths, lead by Ken Lay, break down the gates, smooshing the Gatekeeper. One Ringwraith notices the Nintendo, unplugs it and takes it with him. We now notice that we heard horses, but there are no horses to be seen.]

Ken Lay: "ONWARD MEN!"

[He picks up two halves of coconut and begins to bang them together; they sound strangely like horse hooves. All the Ringwraiths pull out coconuts and storm the town. They head up to the "Hobbit sized rooms" and notice all the beds are full.]

Ken Lay: "Okay, remember what the boss said, steal their wallets, then the ring, and then kill them! Or horribly wound them and leave them for dead!"

[The Ringwraiths all draw their swords and Ken Lay throws back the blankets on one bed and shouts:]

Ken Lay: "GET US ALL YOUR LUPINES!"

[The Ringwraiths then realize that there are no people in the beds, just burlap potato sacks with goofy faces painted on them.]

Ringwraith Number One: "CURSES!! Foiled again!!"

Ken Lay: "Let's stab them anyway, just to say we've killed something!"

[The Ringwraiths all stab the burlap sacks and make a mess of the room like a group of frat boys would make a mess of a dorm room. They turn over the beds, punch holes in the walls, and whip out cans of spray paint and graffiti the place, then they leave and put the damages on Gandalf's credit card.]

[Across the road, Strider is passed out in a chair and a squinty-eyed Josh Harnett is passing out drugs in hollowed out ink pens.]

Frodo: [Giggles] "Yer takin' it!!!!!!!"

[Frodo and Pippin high five.]

[Strider wakes up and looks out the window, the camera pans out the window, we see several Ringwraiths running around with lighters and screaming:]

Ringwraiths: "HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!"

[We see they are holding large signs that read things like: "No War In Iraq!" and "Save Osama!".]

Frodo: [Looks out the window] "What are they?"

Strider: "They were once Men, great corporate leaders of Men. Then they saw the opportunity to steal millions of dollars from their faithful employees and their families, they are the CEOs, neither living nor dead."

Frodo: "Cool."

[Scene Number Ten-Strider Finally Sleeps off the JD]

[After again awaking with a massive headache, Strider rouses the hobbits and they go across the street, drawn by all the pretty flashing lights and yellow police tape. They walk up the stairs and notice all the graffiti.]

Frodo: "Who did this?"

Strider: "Gee, I have no idea." [He points to a painted message that reads: "KEN LAY WAS HERE"]

Frodo: "Oh."

[The hobbits and Strider glance around the room, and notice the cast of the hit TV show /CSI/ are dusting for fingerprints and rambling off science stuff. The fellowship of five slowly back out of the room.]

[Flash forward to the hobbits trekking across the countryside, they are all muttering amongst themselves.]

Pippin: "So, I said, 'Bambi, honey-...'"

Frodo: "Bambi? Her name is Bambi?"

Sam: "I don't like this Strider guy, he's scary!" [Sucks on his thumb.]

Merry: "Where are you taking us?"

Strider: "Into the wild."

Merry: "Ooh, that tells me a whole hell of a lot, can you be more specific, please?"

Strider: "If I told you, I'd have to kill you and bury your corpse under a big rock."

Merry: o.O

[Scene Number Eleven-Where the F* is Gandalf?]

[The camera focuses on Gandalf, riding like hell on a horse across the grassy fields, with pretty butterflies and frolicking bunnies until he arrives outside the tower Isenguard]

Gandalf: "Gahhhh... make me ride all the way across these damned hills..."

[The white-haired Wizard Saurman walks down the steps, groaning about his knees.]

Saurman: "Greetings, Gandalf the Grey! It has been many moons since I last saw you."

[Gandalf's eyes widen slightly as he watches Saurman pull out a walker, and notices the curlers in Saurman's white hair.]

Gandalf: "Uh... I like the hair."

Saurman: [Fluffs it] "Really? I thought it was too stringy, but oh well, that's hair stylists for you!"

[Saurman and Gandalf stroll through the courtyard, we see more butterflies and frolicking bunnies and cute little lambs and other cuddly things like that.]

Saurman: "So you're telling me your crazy hobbit friend had Sauron's eyeball this entire time? Dude. That's like, way gross."

Gandalf: "Yup. Funny, he always acted so odd... I just thought it was those drugs he was on from the 70's."

[So Gandalf and Saurman talk about the weather and make a Super Bowl bet and finally stroll up the steps to the Tower Isenguard to get some work done.]

Saurman: "Hey, dude! You gotta check out this crystal ball I've got, it shows everything, you know? Like the future and all that, cowabunga!"

Gandalf: "They are not all accounted for... the lost Seeing Stones."

Saurman: "Must you dump on everything I do?"

[Meanwhile...]

Merry: "Are we there yet?"

Strider: "No."

Merry: "Are we there yet?"

Strider: "No."

Merry: "Are we there yet?"

Strider: "No."

Merry: "Are we there yet?"

Strider: "SHUT THE BLOODY F* UP!!!!!!"

Merry: "HIEL HITLER!"

Frodo: [Whispers to Pippin] "Is he German?"

Pippin: "HEIL HITLER!"

Frodo: "Oiy."

[So the hobbits and Strider hike across the whole map of Middle Earth, make a wrong turn in Albuquerque and hike back towards Weathertop, finally they make it there and they all collapse in a heap.]

Frodo: "Ahhh..." [Flops back onto the ground and smacks his head on a rock.] "OWWIE!!!!!!"

[Merry snickers, and Frodo offers him an obscene gesture.]

Frodo: [Tossing an outstandingly large rock at Merry's head] "Screw you, Hitler-lover!"

[Flash forward to later that night: Strider gives them cute Hobbit-sized swords and Frodo goes to sleep. He awakens several hours later and sees Merry, Pippin and Sam eating bacon and tomatoes, while chugging Jack Daniel's as if it where orange juice.]

Frodo: "What the hell are you doing?!?! Put it out, you idiots! Put it out!"

Merry: "Ash on my tomatoes?? DAMN YOU!" [Merry kicks Frodo in the groin, and instructs the others to do the same.]

[Far off, we hear "hooves" beating on the soft, wet ground. Pippin, Merry, Sam, and a limping, whining Frodo draw their Hobbit-sized swords, and go to the edge, where Ken Lay and the other Ringwraiths are closing in.]

Frodo: "Who goes there?!"

Ken Lay: "It is I! Key Lay, King of the CEOs! Stealer of all cash! We have ridden the length and width of the land looking for four little hobbits!"

Merry: "What? Riding horses?"

Ken Lay: "Yes, of course!"

Merry: "You lie! You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're bangin' them together!"

Ken Lay: "Well, it doesn't matter! Will you please tell me if there are four little hobbits up-..."

Merry: "Where did you get the coconuts?"

Ken Lay: "We found them!"

Pippin: "Found them? This is Middle-Earth, the coconut's tropical!"

Ken Lay: "We-... aw, hell with it! ONWARD!!!"

Merry: [Watches as the Ringwraiths swarm the tower] "Oh, bloody hell."

Frodo: "GO!"

Merry: "Are we running a race?"

Frodo: "Damn you! I am the Ring-bearer, and I will tell you when to go!" [Frodo kicks Merry in the groin for good measure.]

[Flash forward through several minutes of slow-motion action, (i.e. the hobbits running around screaming like headless chickens,) and finally play the movie again where we see Strider fighting the Ringwraiths.]

Strider: "I AM JACKIE CHAN!" [Strider chucks his torch into the face of the final Ringwraith, but not before he breaks his arm halfway off] "JACKIE CHAN FEELS NO PAIN!"

Frodo: "Where do I dig these guys up...?"

[Ken Lay staggers to his feet and watches as Strider executes several tae kwon do moves before collapsing from exhaustion. Pippin, Merry and Sam get bored, build another fire and begin telling ghost stories. Frodo also becomes bored and doesn't notice Ken Lay attempting to pick Strider's pocket. He wonders what else the eyeball can do.]

[He takes it from his pocket and sets in on the ground.]

Frodo: "Speak!" [The eyeball stares at him.] "Roll over!" [Eyeball continues to stare at Frodo, he is running low on tricks.] "Umm... play dead!" [Eyeball blinks.]

[Frodo picks it up again and glares at it, annoyed, he pokes it hard and is again warped into another world. Ken Lay, who was done with Strider's pockets had moved on to Frodo and was also sucked into the void.]

Ken Lay: "WHOA!!" [Looks at the eyeball] "Hey, that doesn't look like a ring, but it kinda matches Sauron's eye! Maybe he'd want that instead!"

[Ken Lay takes a swipe at it and misses, Frodo jumps back. Enraged, Ken pulls out his sword and stabs Frodo.]

Frodo: "IIIIEEEE!!!!" [Drops to the floor, he pokes the eyeball again and is warped back to Weathertop. By this time Strider is coming to and the three other hobbits are playing a game of drunken hide-and-seek.]

Frodo: "OWWIE!!"

Ken Lay: "Don't struggle, you'll only die faster!"

[Aragorn drags himself to his feet.]

Strider: [Holds his head] "Oh... man... what-... happened? Hey!" [Notices Ken Lay] "I MISSED ONE!!" [He swoops, grabs a branch from the hobbit's new fire and chucks it at Kenny.]

[The torch catches the hood of Ken Lay's robe and lights up like the sky on the Forth of July.]

Ken Lay: "IIIIEEE!!!!"

Pippin: "Don't struggle, you'll only burn faster." [Sticks his tongue out at Kenny as he runs crazily around the set, his head set aflame. Ken finally exits stage right.]

[Meanwhile...]

Saurman: "Must you dump on everything I do?"

Gandalf: "No, well, yes, well, THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" [/Thwaps/ Saurman with his wizard stick.]

Saurman: [Gasps] "YOU DARE TO THWAP /ME/???"

Gandalf: "YES!"

[Saurman's eyes narrow, he pulls out a fancier wizard stick and clobbers Gandalf with it. Gandalf falls to the floor.]

Gandalf: "OWWIE!"

Saurman: "Don't ever thwap me again."

[Saurman minces over to a lighted vanity stool, sits down and begins to unroll the curlers from his hair. He runs a brush through it, applies hair spray, styling foam, hair gel and leave-in conditioner. His hair finished, he starts with his make up. Gandalf finally drags himself to his feet, blinking rapidly. He notices Saurman is getting dressed up for something.]

Gandalf: "You, uh, goin' somewhere?"

Saurman: "Oh, yeah, did I forget to tell you? We liked, joined this really bad guy, what's his name? Oh yeah, Sauron, he's really cool! He's holding a party for his Orcs tonight, that's where I'm going, anywho, we joined up with him, you know, because he offered us this great 401 K plan, and you can't beat the insurance deductible! Oh, dammit!" [He stamps his foot in annoyance and holds up two strapless evening gowns] "I just can't decide, white or navy?"

Gandalf: "Are you daft? We can't join Sauron... he's... he's the bad guy!"

Saurman: [Innocently] "So?"

Gandalf: "I... well... DAMN YOU!" [Thwaps Saurman six times before Saurman finally retaliates.]

Saurman: [Ducks Gandalf's stick] "Ow! They crossed the river Isen on the midsummer's eve... disguised as riders in black."

Gandalf: [Stops fighting] "Who did?"

Saurman: "Eh? Damn, I'm getting senile! Where are my pills...?"

[He opens the drawer to his vanity and pulls out several pill bottles, he scans the labels and opens up a bottle. He re-reads the label and rolls his eyes.]

Saurman: "To heck with the dosage, huh, Gandalf? They all gotta be taken anyway!" [He pours the entire bottle into his mouth and swallows.]

[Gandalf shudders. And Saurman turns back to his evening dresses.]

Saurman: "Well, I think the navy, don't you? Yes, navy sounds good. Navy symbolizes darkness, aren't I clever?"

[The White Wizard disappears behind a screen and emerges a few moments later, wearing the strapless, navy evening gown and sling back heels.]

[Gandalf sighs in disgust.]

Gandalf: "Tell me... 'friend'. When did Saurman the Wise abandon reason for madness? I mean, navy? Navy? With your complexion? My God!"

Saurman: [Is taken aback] "Are you saying I'm fat? DAMN YOU GANDALF! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! You know what? That's it! No more "Mr.-Nice-White-Wizard!" [Saurman takes out his staff and points it in Gandalf's direction, Gandalf goes flying across the room.]

Gandalf: "OW! You hurt me, you A-Hole!"

[The wizards circle each other, Saurman's sling backed high-heels clicking ominously against the polished marble floors. They start off by glaring at each other. After five circles, some loud and dark orchestra music, and five minutes of glaring, Gandalf decides to make the first move.]

Gandalf: "YAHHHH!!!" [Throws himself at Saurman. Saurman uses the same trick Frodo used on page ten. He steps aside and Gandalf goes flying out an open window.]

[Saurman claps his hands and an Orc waiter comes forward. Saurman tells him to take Gandalf to the top of the tower so they could talk later. If he didn't leave now, he'd be late for Sauron's party, and damn it, where was his sequined dress bag?!]

[Scene Number Twelve-The Journey to Rivendell]

[The camera focuses on a small forest clearing, we see an injured Frodo, his eyes are glazed over, and he is sweating like a Priest in the county jail.]

Sam: [Whimpers fearfully] "He's going cold!"

Strider: "Well, hell. I would be, too. It's like a Wisconsin winter out here!"

[All the hobbits look at him, confused.]

Strider: "Never mind. Anyways, Sam, do you know the Kingsfoil?"

Sam: "What's that?"

Strider: [Shoves a torch in Sam's hand] "Just go find the damn things."

[Sam begins to cry, causing several rocks, arrows, and spoons to fly from the angered audience members.]

[Sam falls to his knees, sobbing.]

Sam: "OH NO!! NO!! WE HAVE ANGERED THE TICKET BUYER GOD!!" [Sob]

Strider: [Grabs Sam's shirt and pulls him to eye-level] "Listen you whiney little hobbit bastard! If I don't get Frodo to Rivendell, Lord Elrond will have my head for a wall-mount. NOW GO FIND THE DAMN THINGS AND STOP WITH WATERWORKS!!!!"

Frodo: [Hollow scream] "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Oooooh... ahhhhh... ouch. Hey, those damn Ringwraith blades HURT!"

[After Strider and Sam wander off, a pretty woman with pointy ears shows up on a white horse, (very dramatic,) she picks Frodo up, and sticks him on the horse.]

Strider: "Hey, I know you! You're my childhood girlfriend!"

Arwen: "Oh my God... it's YOU! RUN, little hobbits! R-U-N!"

[Arwen takes off like a rocket on that white horse.]

Pippin: "Who the hell was that?"

Merry: "Is she Polish?"

Strider: "I think I'm in love."

[/The X-Files'/ Mulder and Scully enter stage right, arguing amongst themselves.]

Mulder: "But I saw it, Scully! Just now! A beautiful woman with pointed ears, an elf maiden!"

Scully: "Mulder, what you saw was a reflection of some sort of small farm animal, the ears and surreal glow are a result of nuclear tests the poor thing was subjected to at Richard Nixon's house."

Mulder: "But you're wrong, Scully! I saw it with my own two eyes! She was the most elegant, radiant, lovely creature that has ever walked on the face of this earth! I will never forget those magnificent words she spoke unto me! 'Get away from me, you little creep!' has never before been spoken to me with such love, such grace, such tenderness! She's my soul mate, Scully! I just know it! Her mere presence touched the core of my soul and burned deep into my heart!" [Mulder pauses for a breath and shrugs] "But oh well, I guess you'll do."

[Mulder and Scully begin making out, Strider, Merry, Pippin and Sam all inch away and begin their own journey to Rivendell.]

Sam: "I'm hungry."

Strider: "Sorry."

Merry: "I'm sleepy."

Strider: "Sorry."

Pippin: "I'm hungry, too."

Strider: "Sorry!"

Sam: "And I have to go potty."

[We begin to hear a strange grinding sound, the camera cuts to Strider, who is grinding his teeth and fingering his sword.]

[Meanwhile...]

[Cut to Arwen being chased by Ringwraiths through the wilderness. Ken Lay holds his sword high above his head.]

Ken Lay: "VIVA LA REVELUTION!!!"

[The other Ringwraiths belt out a similar battle cry and charge forward. Arwen swears at her horse in Elvish and the horse takes off. Frodo's head lolls, he smiles.]

Frodo: [Mumbles and smiles] "Hehe! YER TAKIN' IT!!!"

[Ken Lay is growing dangerously close to Arwen's horse, she spares him a glance and goes back to riding. Ken Lay reaches over and begins rummaging through Arwen's purse, he finally pulls out her wallet, opens the billfold and removes two twenty-dollar bills. He sticks her wallet back in her purse and recognizes Frodo.]

Ken Lay: "HEY! IT'S EYEBALL BOY!" [He turns to a Ringwraith riding beside him] "Bob! It's Eyeball Boy!"

[Bob and Ken Lay reach for Frodo, Frodo giggles and jerks away. Arwen continues riding and finally reaches the River. She takes to taunting the black creatures.]

Arwen: "Booya! I win, you lose! HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!!!"

Ken Lay: [Puts on a Darth Vader mask] "Give up the halfing, she-elf." [He makes Darth Vader breathing noises.]

[Frodo begins giggling again.]

Frodo:"Hehehehe!! Where'd you get the coconuts? HAHAHAH!!!"

Arwen: [Draws her sword] "If you want him, COME AND CLAIM HIM!"

[Ken Lay and The Eight mumble and mull over whether or not to take Frodo, finally they decide to cross the River.]

Bob the Ringwraith: "Ready or not, here we come!"

[Arwen wasn't expecting this, so she says some quick elf spells and throws a pinch of Pixy Dust into the air and makes some strange hand gestures. The Ringwraiths are halfway across the River when they hear the churning of water, they all look up and notice the water has risen considerably. The raging waves churn and the crests begin to take the shape of a pack of stampeding marmots.]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please note that no marmots where harmed in the writing of this fanfic. But a couple of badgers were. Thank you.