FicWad

[Chapter Four]

[Scene Number Thirteen-The Really Wacked Up Council of Elrond]

[Again fast forward through a bunch of crap where Arwen is begging the elf Gods and the writers to let Frodo be spared, Flight for Life arrives and whisks Frodo off to Rivendell. Frodo awakens, seeing Gandalf sitting on a bed beside him.]

Frodo: "Dude... where am I?"

Gandalf: "You are in the house of Elrond. And it is 10:00 in the morning... so get your lazy ass out of bed."

[Frodo sits up, and looks around, seeing no one but Gandalf.]

Frodo: "Oh... it's you."

Gandalf: [Indignant] "Just what do you mean by THAT?!"

Frodo: "Oh. Nothing. Who rescued me?"

Gandalf: [Points at an hot elf-woman, whom Frodo grins at] "Please go get Lord Elrond."

[Arwen goes off to find her father.]

Frodo: "WAIT!!! You're sending her away?"

Gandalf: "Uh... yeah. Sorry, my lad."

[Lord Elrond appears in the doorway, and shakes Frodo's hand viciously, causing Frodo to scream in pain.]

Elrond: "Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins. Now, take that f**ked up Uncle of yours, and GET THE HELL OUT!!!!" [He points at the door.]

Frodo: "Aw, Bilbo's here?"

Gandalf: "Yes. He is."

Frodo: "Well, that sucks. Might as well go see the ol' man, eh?"

Gandalf: "The hell you will. Elrond has called a Secret Council meeting."

Frodo: [Waits, but Gandalf says nothing else] "So?"

Elrond: "You're coming too, stupid."

Frodo: "Will I have time to woo some of the fine looking women that live here?"

Elrond: "Sure, why don't we all go?"

Frodo: "Cool."

[After several hours of heavy drinking, large-breasted women, and ten thousand cigarettes, Frodo, Elrond, and Gandalf stumble into the council room.]

Elrond: "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old... take your s*t and get the fk out of my fking city! M***ers! Always gummin' up the fkin' works with your bulls*t! I hate you! I hate you all!!!!"

Gandalf: "Jack Daniels and Elves do NOT mix."

Frodo: [Giggles hysterically] "Yer takin it! YER TAKIN IT!!! HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!!"

Gandalf: "I correct myself. Jack Daniels and HOBBITS don't mix."

[A new elf, a tall blonde headed dude, stands up and looks around the room in disgust.]

Elf Dude: "I am Legolas, Elvish Prince!! And this is the biggest load of bulls* I have EVER seen in my 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years of life!!!"

Frodo: [Holds out a hollowed-out ink pen, much like the ones seen in The Faculty] "Dude... try this. It's great stuff..."

Legolas: "No, thank you. I have to go wash my hair at the moment."

Aragorn: [Stands up and wobbles a bit] "Wait just a damn minute, you blonde bimbo! I am JACKIE CHAN and NOBODY walks away from JACKIE CHAN uninjured!" [Aragorn jumps onto a table in the middle of the room and executes a few Tae-Bo moves to demonstrate.]

Gandalf: [Sighs] "Assholes."

[A new guy wearing red and black stands up]

New Dude: I am Boromir! High King of Gondor! By the blood of OUR people are your lands-... [Several arrows fly across the room and kill Boromir.]

[Cerasi J. and Dark jump into the fanfic and gesture wildly.]

Cerasi: "NO!!! You stupid idiots, Boromir is part of the fellowship!! You can't kill him until later!"

Dark: "TAKE TWO!!"

[Take Two!]

New Dude: "I am Boromir, High King of Gondor! By the blood of OUR people... are your lands kept safe!!!"

Aragorn: "Oh, blow it out your ass, Boromir."

[Cerasi rolls her eyes]

Cerasi: "Yeah, that'll do, ACTION!!!"

Boromir: O_O

Gandalf: "Aragorn is right. The Eyeball MUST be destroyed. So, me, Frodo, Boromir, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Legolas, and that fat dwarf over there will take the eye to Mordor."

Fat Dwarf Dude: "Hey! I have a name, you know. I'm Gimli!!!"

Gandalf: "Whatever."

[In the background we see Pippin and Merry sneaking across the floor, they creep up behind Legolas and open a pouch on his belt... they pull out a box of Eggo Waffles. They snicker and begin to back away.]

Legolas: "Hey!!! Leggo my Eggo!" [Thwaps Pippin over the head with a broom.]

Pippin: [Holds Legolas' Eggos hostage with a knife] "You don't deserve these waffles."

Legolas: "I do not deserve these waffles."

Pippin: "You will be happy to share with the Hobbits."

Legolas: "I will be happy to share with you Hobbits."

Darth Vader: "Legolas...I am your father..."

Frodo: "God, I hate movies with plot digressions!"

[And so, the heroes go off to prepare for their long journey to Mordor. Aragorn is off kissin' Arwen, Legolas is off drinkin' with Gimil and Gandalf, while we see Frodo chillin' with his Uncle.]

Frodo: "Gee, Uncle Bilbo. You sure got old and ugly fast."

Bilbo: "Yes, yes my lad... blah, blah, blah, here, check this little baby out!"

[Bilbo unwraps a sword and unsheathes it.]

Bilbo: "Check it out, dude!"

Frodo: "Coooool... can I use it on my trip?"

Bilbo: "Trip? Trip? Where you going, kid?"

Frodo: "We're going to Mordor to destroy Sauron's Eyeball."

Bilbo: "Hey, wait a minute! You have Sauron's eyeball? That's MINE, you little punk!"

[Bilbo then grows vampire fangs and chases Frodo around the room, until he trips and falls flat on his face.]

Bilbo: "OWWIE! Oh... I'm so sorry Frodo. I'm so sorry for everything...!" [Bilbo breaks down crying like Sam.]

[Frodo sighs in an annoyed manner.]

Frodo: "Aw man, not this s* again."

[Frodo pats Bilbo on the shoulder; Bilbo looks hungrily at his hand.]

[Cut to the bar, where Legolas, Gandalf, Gimli, Sam, Merry and Pippin are all having a good time before they leave for Mordor. Gandalf and Gimli are arguing over who will go to the Stanley Cup playoffs. Legolas is touching up his make-up using a compact, Sam is crying in a corner and Merry and Pippin are drunk and are singing goofy tavern songs, while standing on the bar, much like they did in the extended version of Fellowship. Let's listen in, shall we?]

Pippin: "Oh, I'm too sexy for these pants, too sexy for these pants, what do you think about that?"

Everyone Else in Room: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Ooookkkkaaayyy... perhaps we don't want to listen in! Cut to Arwen and Aragorn-... wait-... wait. Never mind, I don't even want to think about that, let's just cut to the part where the all leave for Mordor, okay? Yeah, that sounds good.]

[As the whole Fellowship is standing at the gates of Rivendell, Elrond is making his speech, we see Frodo munching on a Snickers bar, and Sam crying and clinging to Pippin.]

Elrond: "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, get the HELL out of Rivendell or I shall kill you all with my mighty brain!"

[Crickets chirp, Elrond sighs heavily.]

Elrond: "So, what I want you to do in a nutshell..."

Pippin: "Dude, I am NOT going to lay in a nutshell while you launch us over a canyon."

Elrond: "Will you shut the hell up for a minute?"

Pippin: "No."

[Elrond turns to Legolas, hoping for assistance, but the Fellowship notices that Legolas is too busy putting on his make-up to be bothered.]

Elrond: "Care to give us an insight as to what the hell you're doing? Wait... wait, I don't wanna know. Your quest, should you choose to accept it, is to go together, as a team, destroy Sauron's eye and save the children of Middle-Earth from hunger and famine."

Aragorn: "Hey! That wasn't in my job description!"

Pippin: [Points at Legolas] "Eh... You mean; I gotta be in a Fellowship with him?"

Elrond: "You'd do it for Randolph Scott."

Angelic Voices: "RANDOLPH SCOTT!"

Legolas: "Sorry, dude, but I-... HEY! DAMNIT! LEGGO MY EGGO!!!" [He thwaps the Angelic Voices.]

Frodo: [Finishes his chocolate bar] "Can we go now?"

Gandalf: "Yes, we must destroy the eyeball."

Merry: "You've told us a dozen times, dude."

Gandalf: [Violently thwaps Merry] "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP!"

Merry: "Ah, now we see that violence is coherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!!"

Gandalf: "You little bastard!" [Drop-kicks Merry, sending him out the gates, and halfway across the script.]

Strider: "I AM JACKIE CHAN!!!!!!" [Strider executes a few round-house kicks and hums "Kung Fu Fighting"]

Frodo: "God. I'm leaving. Which way, old man?"

Gandalf: "You mean you don't know? It's left, moron!!"

Frodo: [Spares a moment to kick Gandalf in the knee, then turns and walks out the stone gate, following Merry's trail of incoherent screams.] "Later."

[Pippin is shaking his head as he walks out the gates. Gandalf is mumbling and rubbing his knee, Sam is sniffling and is being pushed out the gates at axe-point by Gimli. Legolas is double-checking that he has his favorite shade of eyeliner, Mocha Mist, and finally minces out the gates behind Gimli and Sam. Boromir picks up two empty halves of coconut and bangs them together; he starts galloping out the gates. Aragorn is the only one left; he turns, points at Arwen and winks.]

Strider: "Here's lookin' at you, kid."

[Strider also turns and follows everyone out the gates. The gates close behind them and cheers erupt from within.]

Narrator: "And so, our heroes set out on a mighty quest, taking with them nothing but their wits, a portable CD Player, breakfast cereals, Orangutans, a holy hand grenade, Boromir's minstrels, and hair gel! God speed, good sirs!"

[Scene Number Fourteen-Where the F* is Merry?]

[We see Sam skipping along a very narrow and twisty road, he seems very chipper and perky, and we know the audience is starting to really wonder about him. The camera pans back to the rest of the Fellowship, who are all panting and dirty.]

Sam: "Come on, everyone! Its not much further!"

[Sam continues skipping up the path, singing, "Today's the Day the Teddy Bears' Have Their Picnic".]

Frodo: "What... [Pant] the hell... [Pant] is wrong with him?"

Pippin: "Gandalf shoved a whole bottle of Prozac down his throat."

Frodo: "Well, that would explain it. Hey! Gandalf never did tell us where he was!"

Aragorn: "A little late for that, isn't it? You were supposed to have that flashback way back in Rivendell!"

Frodo: "... SHUT UP!" [He kicks Strider in the shins.]

[Flashback to Scene Number 11½--We Still Have No F*ing Clue Where Gandalf Is.]

[Cut to Gandalf on top of the Tower Isenguard, Gandalf looks to be badly injured, he is lying on his back, staring at the sky, we notice he has a bloody nose.]

Gandalf: [Sings] "Awake on my airplane! Awake on my airplane...!"

[He sees a moth flying overhead, his eyes light up and he goes, "Ooooh!" He reaches out and grabs the moth. He shoves it in his mouth, chewing hungrily.]

Gandalf: [Goes back to singing] "Could you take my picture? 'Cuz I won't remembbbbbeeeeerrrr...!"

[Later On...]

[Saurman used the magic Wizard elevator to get to the top of the tower, where he is now tormenting Gandalf with the extremely boring rendition of his evening at Sauron's party.]

Saurman: "So, then I said, 'Well, just you wait!' And he's all, 'Ooh, I'm so scared-...'"

Gandalf: "SHUT UP!! STOP!!! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!! ENOUGH!!!"

Saurman: "What?! You dare to tell me to shut up?! I'll show you!"

[Saruman whips out The Beef-Chipper 5000 brand cattle prod and begins chasing Gandalf around with it.]

Saruman: "Gandalf! Join the Dark Side!"

Gandalf: "NEVER! MWHAHAHA!!" [Gandalf throws himself over the edge of the tower]

Gandalf: "WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" [Gandalf then realizes that his Bird is late] "WEEEEEE-AWWWWWW SHHHHIIIITTTTTTT...!!!!!!!!!"

[SPLAT!]

Saurman: "So you have chosen death." [He makes Darth Vader breathing noises.]

[Cut back to the Fellowship tromping through the woods.]

Frodo: "Will someone remind me why I wanted to know where Gandalf was?"

Legolas: [Pouts] "Someone find me a plug! My waffles are cold!"

[The Fellowship offers Legolas an obscene gesture.]

Legolas: "Well! I never!"

Pippin: "Well, you should!"

[Frodo and Pippin snigger.]

Next Chapter: Crebain! The Mines of Moria! Twenty-three Mexican Whooping Llamas! Gandalf singing more songs by Filter! Sam on Prozac! And much, much more!