FicWad

[Chapter Five]


[Scene Number Fifteen-We Still Have No F*ing Clue Where Merry Is]

Narrator: "After 295 Days of endless walking, summer turned into autumn, autumn turned into winter. Soon, the Fellowship found Merry Brandybuck, and there was much rejoicing. And then, winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight into autumn."

Merry:"YO HOMIES!"

Frodo:"YO!"

Gandalf:"YO!"

Pippin:"YO!"

Sam:"YO!"

Aragorn/Strider/Weird Guy With Big Sword:"... Morons..."

Legolas: "Perhaps we should progress with the story line?"

Gimli:"YO!"

[Fellowship looks at Gimli. All shake their heads.]

Frodo:"Well, we're here. Now what?"

[Gandalf holds up handful of that whacky tabaccy]

Frodo:"YYYAAAAH! LETS LIGHT THOSE BADBOYS UP!"

[After a few hours of smoking "Pipes" The fellowship appears utterly wasted, Merry and Pippin were being trained by Boromir, but, in their "Wake", they ended up chopping off Boromir's and, and some other ahem parts that shall not be mentioned.]

Legolas: "Yo, dudes... what're those black things?"

Frodo: "It's the pipe, man..."

Legolas: "Not /those /black things... the things in the sky! They're Crebaine... spies of Saurman!"

Aragorn: "Very good, Legolas! You get a cookie." [Aragorn feeds Legolas a cookie from his pouch.]

Frodo: [Giggles incoherently] "Spies... those things! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!"

Gandalf: "HIDE!"

Frodo: "HEHEHEH! HIDE! HIDE! HEHEHEH!"

[Gandalf is then resorted to smacking Frodo into oblivion, then hauling his ass into a cave.]

Crebine #1: "Hey, where'd those dudes go?"

Crebine #2: "Hey, I dunno man... let's just fly around and look scary... that should chase them off!"

[Crebine do just that, then fly back the way they came, convinced the others will give up their quest to destroy the eye.]

[Scene Number Sixteen-Saurman's Super Secret Hideout]

[Back at Saurman's super-secret hideout: AKA, The huge tower that you can see from 500 miles away.]

Saurman: "Hoo hoo hoo... so Gandalf... wait, What's this? I sense you have visions... and feel no pain... are you on Morphine and LSD? AND YOU AREN'T SHARING?!"

Gandalf: "DAMN STRAIGHT!"

Saurman: "Dude...this is a vision, you're not supposed to be here."

Gandalf: "Oh, shi-..."

[At that moment, Saurman's vision was canceled because he didn't pay the cable bill.]

Saurman: "DAMNIT!"

Operator: "If you would like to have a vision, please disconnect your brain and try again, if you need help, don't ask
us because we don't give a damn."

[Back to our heroes]

Gandalf: "We must take the pass of Crathalas!"

Frodo: "Why?"

Gandalf: "BECAUSE I'M DA LEADA!"

Rest Of the Fellowship: "..."

[Cut to the fellowship trudging through waist-deep potato flakes. (Well, head-deep for the hobbits!) Gandalf is pushing onward, holding his staff high. Aragorn is carrying Merry and Frodo on his shoulders, so they won't be killed by piles of potato flakes. Boromir is doing the same for Pippin; Sam is nowhere to be seen. (Because halfway up the mountain the fellowship realized that they had left Sam back at the big rock pile.) Legolas, somehow, still manages to look fairly hot covered in instant mashed potatoes. The Fellowship was tired and hungry. And in the frozen land of Crathalas they were
forced to eat Boromir's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.]

Aragorn: "Gandalf! We must turn back! These potato flakes are to much to bear!"

Gandalf: "No! Never! We must go this way!"

Legolas: "But why?! Can't you see the hobbits are nearly frozen by the awesome power of this fake snow?!"

Gandalf: "Because I'm a stubborn old man who wants everything his way!"

Aragorn: "We should go back!"

Gandalf: "Fine! But let's let the Eye-bearer decide!"

Gimli: "We could go through the Mines of Moria, my cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!"

Gandalf: "Enough of your damned mines, we don't care!" [Throws a brick at Gimli's head.] "DECIDE, EYE-BEARER!!"

Frodo: [Looks up from his comic book] "Huh? What?"

Gandalf: "Oh, f**k it, we'll go through the bloody mines."

[So, after taking a four thousand mile detour, the Fellowship finds out that the mountain was just f*ing out of the question, turn around, and go back the way they came.]

Aragorn: "See, Gandalf? We should have just followed Gimli's idea and gone through the mines in the first place."

Gimli: "I didn't suggest that until the Mountain. The Authors' didn't give me any speaking lines."

Authors': "SHUT UP AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!"

Frodo: "Which is?"

Authors': "All right... you asked for it."

[Authors' go back up and re-write the story so Frodo is 700 pounds heavier, 40 years older, and a LOT uglier.]

Frodo: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Authors': "You gonna do it our way?"

Frodo: "YES! YES, I PROMISE!"

[Authors' hit "Undo" Button, and Frodo is normal again]

Frodo: "THANK THE GODS!"

Gandalf: "Fine, We'll f*king do it your way, you arrogant little st. You know, when I was a fking boy, we didn't go around telling our elders to shut the f*k up, and-..."

Frodo: "Gandalf?"

Gandalf: "Yes?"

Frodo: "Shut the f**k up."

Gandalf: "... Fine..."

[Scene Number Seventeen-The White Whale]

[Soon, the Fellowship found themselves at the Gates of Moria.]

Gandalf: "Italian marble, it reflects only moonlight, starlight and a checkbook the size of Morocco."

Fellowship: "Ooooh!"

Gandalf: "I will attempt to read these ancient words carved on the stone!"

Frodo: [Whispers to Merry] "Yeah, he can read them because he was probably around when they were thought up!"

Thwap!

Frodo/Merry: "OW!"

Gandalf: [Reading] "Speak 'friend' and enter."

Boromir: "It's a riddle! Don't you see?!"

Aragorn: "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

[Frodo becomes bored and picks up a rock; he throws it in the pond. Followed by another and another and another...]

Aragorn: [Grabs Frodo's hand] "Do not disturb the water."

[In the background we hear the sounds of a jackhammer as Gandalf tries to get the doors open.]

Frodo: "I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT TO!!" [He rushes toward the water] "YYYYYYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" [Frodo jumps in the water.]

Aragorn: "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

[Frodo disappears underwater. A few moments later Frodo reappears running out of the water toward shore.]

Frodo: "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Captain Ahab: "THAR SHE BLOWS! THE WHITE WHALE!"

[Cue Jaws theme. The camera pans to a large, white whale rising up out of the water and running after Frodo. A harpoon gun is fired and does nothing to stop the whale. A cannon explodes, but to no avail. Finally, a Tomahawk missile is shot and it manages to hit Moby Dick in the head, thus knocking him out. Frodo escapes by the hair of his feet.]

[Frodo runs toward Aragorn, crying like a baby, Aragorn picks him up.]

Aragorn: "Awww, shhh, see? I told you, didn't I? Shhh, awww, poor little Hobbit!" [He hands Frodo a teddy bear.]

[In the background, Gandalf throws down the chainsaw he was using and sits down on a log.]

Gandalf: [Pants] "I wish I had some watermelon."

[The doors open.]

Gandalf: "HA! THAT'S IT! WATERMELON IS THE PASSWORD!"

[The doors close.]

Gandalf: "GAH!!! WATERMELON!!"

[The doors do nothing.]

Gandalf: [Jumps up and down] "WATERMELON! WATERMELON!WATERMELON!"

[The doors don't budge, Gandalf picks up the chainsaw again.]

Frodo: [Sniffles, looks up at Aragorn like a little kid would] "Friend?" [He sucks on his thumb.]

[The doors open.]

Gandalf: "HAHA!! YEESS!! VICTORY IS MINE!!"

[The doors close.]

Gandalf: "Okay, that's it!" [He rummages through his bag, and produces a hand grenade. He pulls the pin and sets it in front of the door.]

Gandalf: "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" [He dives behind the log in Matrix-style-slow-mo as the doors explode.]

[With the doors finally destroyed, the troops pick their way through the rubble and go inside.]

[Scene Number Eighteen-The Mines of Moria]

Boromir: "Dudes... it's a tomb!"

[Suddenly, Lara Croft runs by, stopping long enough to give Frodo an autograph and a quick kiss, before continuing.]

Frodo: "DUDES! DID YOU SEE THAT???"

[Much to Frodo's surprise, the fellowship is already moving on. Now we pan to several minutes of ultra-steep stairs, the Hobbits bitching about being hungry, sleepy, and just complaining in general. No one, however, seems to care or notice that Sam is still missing. Finally, the Fellowship arrives at two massive wooden doors, where Gimli starts bawling his eyes out, and crying something about his Dwarf brothers.]

Gandalf: "Well... lookie here." [Picks up Old Book, starts to read]

Book: "It has been fourteen hours since we ordered our pizza. The Goblins are getting to be annoying, constantly beating on the damn doors. We wish they'd go away. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long, blah, blah, blah, ooh! The pizza is here! I hope someone thought to order hot wings!"

[Gandalf and Co. look up, where Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII has suddenly appeared from nowhere.]

Frodo: "Dude... how did you get here?"

Cloud: "I ain't got no idea man. This dude with silver hair handed me this REALLY powerful joint... and the next thing I know, here I am!"

Frodo: "COOL!"

[Cloud jumps back in portal, the reason for his visit totally unknown to anyone with .3 ounces of brain or more.]

Pippin: "Dudes, check it out, it's a dead dwarf. HAH! Even when they're dead, they're short..."

[Pippin pushes the dead dwarf down a mine shaft, laughing and watching as he falls.]

Dead Dwarf: "OOOHHHHHH SSSHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-!!!!"

[CLANG!!!]

Gandalf: "YOU STUPID ASS!" [/Thwaps/ Pippin violently] "NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PREMATURE PLOT PROGRESSION!"

Ken Lay: "WHASSSUPP!"

Aragorn: "You don't show up until the next movie, dude."

Ken Lay: "Whoops! My bad."

[Screeching in heard as Boromir bars up the doors, and Goblins start pounding on them.]

Boromir: "They have a cave troll!"

Aragorn: "Good thing I brought clean pants for all of us!"

[More pounding is heard, and finally, the doors breech, and the first Goblin rushes through.]

Gobi The Green Goblin: "YO HOMIES!"

Fellowship: "YO!"

Gobi: "Sorry dudes, but Saurman sent us down here to smash some s* up, so then... YOU HOMIES IS SCREWED!"

[Goblins pour in, and epic the battle begins... until the Cave Troll shows up, that is.]

Compy The Oversized Cave Troll: "WHASSSSUPPP!!!!!"

Frodo: "OH MY GOD! THAT'S NOT JUST ANY CAVE TROLL! THAT'S JOHN MADDEN!!!!!!!!"

Compy/John Madden: "BOOM! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about."

[Fellowship fights the Cave Troll until Legolas scores a lucky shot, and pops John Madden's gut.]

Gandalf: "To the bridge of Khaza-Dum!"

Frodo: "But, we're out of danger. We can stay for awhile and get rested!"

Gandalf: "Well, its not my call this time. Your stupid ass Hobbit friend over there triggered an early plot progression."

Frodo: "Gotcha."

[Okay, this is getting old. Flash forward to when the team is crossing the Bridge.]

Gandalf: "Go! I will fight the Balrog!"

Frodo: "What the hell is a Balrog?"

Gandalf: "JUST GET YOUR SORRY ASS IN GEAR!"

["Balrog" comes out of its hiding place, but reveals itself to be a WEAPON from FF7]

Ruby WEAPON: "HAHAHAHA! I'm big and red! Just look at how bad assed I am!"

Gandalf: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Ruby WEAPON: "Watch me!" [Whips Gandalf with fire whip.]

Gandalf: "UGH! I've never met anything so bad assed as this Balrog!"

Ruby WEAPON: "Hey, I told you already! I'm a /WEAPON /not a /BALROG/."

Gandalf: "Actually, you didn't. I was just guessing at what you were."

Ruby WEAPON: "Fair enough. DIE!!!"

Gandalf: "Well, its obvious that I can't win this fight, so I'll just throw myself off the bridge here!"

[Gandalf throws himself off the bridge, falling in a dramatic way.]

Ruby WEAPON: "Sweet! Now I can kick the rest of your asses with ease!"

[The WEAPON takes a step onto the bridge, which breaks and makes him fall down with Gandalf.]

Ruby WEAPON: "What the hell?! NO! SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIII---!!!"

[The fellowship watches in awe as Gandalf plummets from the bridge, followed by the WEAPON.]

Frodo: "YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GANDALF'S DEAD! Maybe all these thwap marks on our heads will go away!!"

Aragorn: "Do I need to remind you that if you don't start running like a chicken without a head, an arrow is going to make you that way?"

Frodo: "Yup!"