FicWad

[Chapter Six]

[Scene Number Nineteen-And There Was Much Rejoicing]

[With help of the incredibly sexy Strider, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli and the three remaining Hobbits all found their way out of the dank and depressing mines. They found their way to a large, open plain with lots and lots of rocks. Enya's drone-err, lament for Gandalf, is instead replaced with the Beastie Boys "No Sleep Till Brooklyn".]

Pippin/Merry/Frodo: "NO SLEEP TILL... BROOKLYN!!"

[The hobbits all shout and cheer merrily and pass around a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream. Strider survives the scene, his face a mask of sadness and pain.]

Strider: "Legolas, get them up."

[He motions to the hobbits who are, by now, rolling around on the floor, laughing as a direct result of the Irish Cream. Legolas ignores him; he is busy scarfing a plate full of Chocolate Chip Eggo Waffles. Strider leans over to snatch the waffles, attempting to get Legolas's attention, but instead winds up with black eye.]

Legolas: "LEGGO MY EGGO!" [He takes another swing at Strider and goes back to eating.]

[Strider looks disgusted with Legolas.]

Strider: "And you call yourself a prince!" [He turns to Boromir] "Get them up!"

Boromir: [Looks at the hobbits] "Give them a moment for pity's sake! Can't you see they're grieving?!"

[Pan to the hobbits who are now all having the time of their lives.]

[Boromir walks over and claps Pippin on the shoulder.]

Boromir: "So... who else loves showtunes?"

[The hobbits stare blankly at Boromir.]

Boromir: "C'MON!! SOMEBODY HERE HAS TO BLOODY LOVE SHOWTUNES!!"

Aragorn: "ENOUGH!" [Walks over, bitch slaps Boromir.]

[Boromir gapes at Aragorn; suddenly the mountain backdrop fades away only to be replaced with hordes of screaming red necks chanting mindlessly, "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!!!" A placid Jerry Springer walks down the aisle, carrying his trademark cue-cards and microphone.]

Jerry Springer: "Hi, hi, welcome everyone..." [Cheering and applause] "Yes, thank you... yes... okay, SHUT THE HELL UP!!" [All audience members fall silent.] "Okay, great, thanks... today's topic is I'm Addicted to Showtunes. Our first guest is Boromir, high king of Gondor... Boromir, do you want to tell us about your problem?"

[Boromir is now sitting in a chair, surrounded by Strider, Legolas, Gimli and the hobbits.]

Gimli: "What the hell are we doing here?"

Legolas: "You know; you're making me late! I'm having my colors done today!" [He throws his hair over his shoulder in a girlish manner] "They said I was a winter! But boy are they wrong, I so know I'm a spring!"

Jerry: "So, Boromir, what got you hooked on showtunes?"

Boromir: "It... it was my father's fault... he made me join the Navy!"

Aragorn: [Stands up] "AIR FORCE COULD KICK THE [Censor] OUT OF NAVY ANY DAY!!!

Boromir: [Also stands up, the crowd is cheering] "PROVE IT YOU SKANKY [Censor]!!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!!!!"

Aragorn: [Goes for Boromir's throat] "YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU [Ceeeennnnnssssooooorrrrr]!!!!!!!!!!!"

Boromir: [Wrestles with Aragorn] "NEVER!!"

Crowd: "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!!"

[Jerry Springer looks surprised that his guests are fighting, attempting to rip each other's throats out.]

Jerry: "Hey, hey!"

[A few big bouncers rush over and pull Aragorn off of Boromir, the crowd is still cheering, and all you can hear from Boromir and Aragorn are loud censors. Suddenly, there is a huge pounding, and the roof is ripped off, to show something horrid, something shocking...]

Ruby WEAPON: "YO HOMIES!!"

Aragorn: "Hey, I thought we killed you off in chapter five!"

Ruby WEAPON: "Well, you see, it's like in Final Fantasy VII... you can keep trying to kill me, but somehow, I keep going, and going, and going..."

Aragorn: "Yeah, we get the picture."

Ruby WEAPON: "DIE!!!!!!!"

[Ruby WEAPON chases them all the way back across the rocks where the hobbits were partying earlier. Then, they all get tired, so they have a spot of tea with crumpets, Ruby WEAPON continues the chase, until he has them cornered against a rock wall.]

Ruby WEAPON: "MUWHAHAHA! I'm so bad assed!"

[As the WEAPON prepares to BBQ the hobbits with a nice Roux sauce over an open fire, we hear "hoof beats".]

Ruby WEAPON: "Huh? WHO GOES THERE!"

Ken Lay: "It is I! Ken Lay! Stealer of all cash! We have hunted your sorry ass down, because no one in this story can be more bad assed than us!" [Motions to his pack of Ringwraiths who make motorcycle noises from the backs of their horses.]

Ringwraiths: "YO!"

Ruby WEAPON: "HAH! NO ONE IS MORE BAD ASSED THAN I!"

[Ruby WEAPON swats Bob the Ringwraith off his horse, sending him flying across the story line.]

Ken Lay: "Well, okay, you win. You're more bad assed than us, seeing as how you just sent Bob three hundred years into the future."

Ruby WEAPON: "Three hundred years?!"

[The WEAPON puts on "Spock" ears and holds up his claws in a "Live Long and Prosper" gesture.]

Ruby WEAPON: "ALL HAIL SPOCK!"

Ken Lay: "No, Captain Kirk is better!!"

Ruby WEAPON: "SPOCK!"

Ken Lay: "KIRK!"

Ruby WEAPON: "SPOCK!"

Ken Lay: "KIRK!"

[Ken Lay then grows vampire fangs, latches onto the WEAPON's neck and sucks his blood. The WEAPON dies.]

Ken Lay: "HAHAHAH!"

[Ken Lay then steals the WEAPON's wallet, and disappears with his Ringwraith buddies.]

Aragorn: "..."

Frodo: "..."

Boromir: "..."

Gimli: "..."

Merry: "BONG!!!"

Pippin: "..."

Legolas: "..."

[Scene Number Twenty-The Woods of Lothlorien]

[Fellowship proceeds into the forest, where screams and screeches can be heard. After half an hour of walking with the weird noises, Merry and Pippin cuddle up to Boromir, who was already carrying Gimli. Then, a moment later, they're confronted by the Borg from Star Trek.]

Borg #1: "We are the Borg."

Borg #2: "You will be assimilated."

Borg #3: "Resistance is futile."

Borg #4: "Because we kick ass."

Aragorn: "Wrong movie, dudes."

Borg: "Whoops! My bad."

[Borg vanish.]

Legolas: "My keen elf eyes see something funny... a sale at Pennies!!"

Gimli: "Don't worry, little hobbits. I have the eyes of a hawk, and the ears of a fox."

[To demonstrate to the hobbits, Gimli rotates his massive orange ears, producing screams from the hobbits and laughing from Aragorn and Legolas.]

Legolas: "Hey Aragorn... you never did tell us why your name went from Strider to Aragorn."

Aragorn: "'Cause I kick ass."

Frodo: "Are we ever going to get a new saying in this story?"

Merry: "Nope!"

[Suddenly, our heroes find themselves at the mercy of many, blonde, ditzy looking Elvish archers. The members of the fellowship freeze, and hold their hands up.]

Legolas: "My Elf brothers! What the hell are you trying to do?! Mess up my hair?! I just had it frosted!"

[A new Elf man steps forward, he is carrying a surf board, and is wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt with cut-offs, his hair is pulled back in a pony tail, he is wearing sunglasses and has sun block smeared on his face.]

Hawaiian Elf: "Legolas! Dude! Surf's up!"

Legolas: "DUDE!"

[They high five and begin speaking another language.]

Gimli: "I can't understand what they're saying!"

Frodo: "Neither can I! And I've been studying!" [He holds up a weathered copy of /Elvish For Dummies/.]

Aragorn: "Because they are speaking the language of the Surfers!"

[Aragorn turns to say something to ditzy looking Elves, but the Elves interrupt him and apologize, they then proceed to invite the fellowship to a wild orgy.]

[Pan to a sunny beach in Hawaii, the ocean waves are crashing against the rocks, there's slow, tropical music playing, hula dancing girls and of course, a bar complete with exotic drinks served in halves of coconuts. The first Hawaiian Elf leads the fellowship toward the beach; they climb a few stairs and stop.]

Hawaiian Elf [A.K.A. Haldir]: "May I present, Lady Galadriel?"

[Galadriel comes to the top of the stairs; she is wearing a black bikini with a Leopard-print cover-up.]

Galadriel [A.KA. Pretty Elf Lady]: "YO HOMIES!"

Fellowship: "YO!"

[Galadriel takes a step forward, with the intention of going down the stairs to greet the fellowship, however, her feet get caught in her Leopard-print cover-up, she falls and tumbles down the stairs.]

Galadriel: "WHHHHOOAA!!"

[The Fellowship gapes at Galadriel, Gimli rushes forward to help her up.]

Gimli: "MY QUEEN! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!"

Galadriel: "No! You fat ass! I just went for a header down a flight of stairs how the f**k would you feel?!"

Frodo: [Chants] "Gimli and Galadriel sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes-..."

[Galadriel turns and fries Frodo with lightning that came from her fingertips.]

Frodo: "IIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!"

Fellowship: O_O

[Frodo's hair is now standing on end and his fingertips are smoking.]

Galadriel: "Nine set out from Rivendell... so where the f**k are the other two of you?"

Aragorn: "Gandalf pitched himself off a cliff."

Pippin: "And we left Sam back at the big rock pile because we were sick of his s**t."

Jerry Springer: "Well, we have a big surprise for your fellowship, Pippin. Okay, let's bring out Samwise Gamgee!"

[Sam comes out of side door, dressed in bikini top and grass skirt. He throws himself at Frodo.]

Sam: "MR. FRODO!! OH, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!!"

Frodo: "AAHHHH!!!"

[Frodo ducks, Sam misses and goes flying over a ledge, we hear a large SPLASH! followed by "I'M DROWNING!!" as Sam plummets into the ocean. The fellowship smiles. Cue Baywatch theme as big-breasted lifeguards bounce down the beach to pull Sam out of the water.]

Pippin: [As he looks down at the lifeguards] "Throw me in next, Frodo!"

Boromir: "No! ME!" [Boromir jumps in the water] "HELP! I'M DROWNING!!"

[CERASI'S NOTE: Can you tell that I'm suffering from cabin fever? ::Points to the Hawaii scene she just wrote::]

[Instead of a DD++ Pam Anderson style lifeguard pulling Boromir out of the water, he is instead forced to deal with an over-weight, Speedo-wearing, food-in-his-beard-attempting-to-relive-his-glory-days Kenny Rogers.]

Kenny Rogers: "YO HOMIE!"

Boromir: "AHHHH!!" [Boromir attempts to swim away from Rogers.]

Legolas: "I will save you, Boromir!"

[Legolas hops up onto a ledge, whips out an arrow and pops one to Kenny's blubbery butt.]

Kenny Rogers: "AHHHHH!!"

Frodo: "KILL IT QUICK, LEGOLAS!"

[Legolas whips out a 9MM Glock and pops Kenny. Again.]

Pippin: "OHMIGOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!! YOU BASTARD!!"

[In the background Galadriel is rolling her eyes.]

Galadriel: "Oh, that is sooo 1999."

[Cut to later that night, when the fellowship is camped at the base of some huge California Redwoods, there is sad music playing.]

Pippin: [Listens] "A lament for Gandalf?"

Legolas: "Hell no! Gandalf was banished from these woods for getting stoned and starting forest fires in 1988."

[Song changes, it's now blaring "No Sleep Till Brooklyn".]

Legolas/Frodo/Sam/Merry/Pippin: "NO SLEEP TILL... BROOKLYN!!!"

[Frodo notices Gimli is not saying much.]

Frodo: "S'matter, dude? Don't feel like partyin'?"

[Gimli sighs in a love-sick way and looks longingly at the picture he was drawing. It's two stick figures, one short, one tall, making out.]

Frodo: [Backs away] "Um, okay... well, I'm gonna go find the booze... be back later."

[Frodo takes to wandering around the woods, and finally comes to a small valley with a bubbling fountain in the middle, Galadriel is there, holding a white and black spotted, cow-shaped milk pitcher.]

Galadriel: [Looks sidelong at the pitcher] "Cookie?"

Frodo: "No, thanks."

Galadriel: [Shrugs] "Your loss. Wanna take a peek in the mirror?" [She motions to the fountain.]

Frodo: "What will I see?"

Galadriel: [Rolls eyes] "Yourself, dumbass." [She shrugs again] "Dunno, last time I looked in there I saw some pretty freaky shit."

[With a great deal of caution, Frodo leans over and peeks into the mirror.]

Galadriel: "Mirror mirror on the wall, whose the craziest bitch of all?"

Mirror: [Echoes] "You are, my Queen!"

Galadriel: "Damn right!"

Frodo: o_O

[Frodo, who is now convinced the fabled wise Queen-of-the-Elves is really not wise, just suffering from insanity. He leans over a little further, and he sees himself in the crystal water of the mirror. But then the water begins to shimmer and change, suddenly he sees a vision of Sam being punt kicked, the camera pulls back to reveal the kicker is actually Strider. The water flickers and a new image replaces the smug Strider: Ruby WEAPON drinking tea with the Queen Mum. The images fades and is replaced with the most horrible thing anyone could ever imagine: Saddam Hussain dressed in drag singing karaoke in a gay club in Kalamazoo, Michigan.]

Saddam: "IT'S RAININ' MEN! HALLIJAH IT'S RAININ' MEN!"

[Frodo screams in terror and throws himself away from the pedestal, panting heavily.]

Galadriel: [Munches her cookie happily] "Whoa. Pretty wacked, huh? When I looked in it I saw Osama bin Ladin wearing a tube top and a mini skirt!"

Frodo: [Gags] "Oh my God, that's horrible! Why would the mirror be showing me such things?"

Galadriel: [Shrugs] "How should I know, dude? I just came down here for a midnight snack." [She motions to her bag of Chips Ahoy the cow-shaped pitcher.]

Mulder: "It showed you because the truth is out-..."

[Galadriel stops munching when Mulder appears, promptly pulls out a .45 and caps his sorry FBI ass.]

Galadriel: [Scowls] "I hate that guy!"

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Stay tuned for chapter seven... please r/r! =D