FicWad

It wasn’t until I’d been able to open my eyes fully that I’d even realized I was hurt. With my cranium burning with white hot intensity the sudden warm, wet sensation of blood dripping down my forehead and chest was new to me. I had to blink a couple of times as a long stream flowed down over my eyelid. All I knew was I needed painkillers. I needed them now. This, of course, was made very easy with the medicine cabinet being in a hundred pieces on the baby blue, and now scarlet, tiles of my bathroom. The familiar and reassuring box that had seen me through all my past migraines had landed not too far away from my wounded hand. I can’t help but smile through the hurt. Taking three, as I had done this morning, I lie back, waiting for them to work.

I imagined my troubles being washed away just as quickly as my pulsating head. This time, instead of disappearing, my headache simply intensified, making me scream into the crook of my elbow. Hemmingway was barking wildly and clawing at the closed bathroom door but there was no way I could move to open the door for him. I moved my right hand down to my hip to try and discover what was making the position I was in even more uncomfortable. In the pocket of my jeans I found my Sidekick, the screen now cracked and broken. I placed it down by my side and grabbed for the pill box once more.

I pulled out a handful of Atavan and swallowed them with little effort. I couldn’t let myself suffer any longer. I needed the sweet familiarity of numbness to clear me of all of these thoughts and it wasn’t long before I received my wishes. I couldn’t feel my head pounding anymore. I couldn’t feel the blood oozing down my face and making small puddles by my neck. I couldn’t feel the tiny shards of glass sticking into my hands and shoulder. What I could feel however was a wave of lethargy and a sickness in the pit of my stomach. Something was wrong.

I panicked. My movements were limited, considering there was glass all over the floor and I don’t think I could move even if I attempted it. I did the only thing I could do. I reached down to my side and very slowly, I pulled my Sidekick up to eye level. Pressing the numbers as quick as my tired fingers could, I tried to call Patrick. At first he refused to answer, like he was avoiding me. I had to redial four times before he actually picked up.

‘What?’ He grunted, sounding furious

This made my stomach lurch and I had to stop myself from throwing up. I tried to answer him but as hard as I tried I could barely make a sound. The best I could come out with was hardly even a squeak. He began to grow impatient, I could tell.

‘Just say what you have to say and get bent’ He snarled, the sound of his feet crunching over gravel in the background

‘H….e…lp…’ I managed to croak, buckling over in agony

‘Pete…?’ Patrick sounded more concerned this time, but it was far too late for that.

The cell phone slipped out of my hand and my body seemed to quit on me. Every part of me went limp. I couldn’t move at all anymore. Each limb feeling as though it weighed a ton. My breathing became shallower though my heartbeat was racing. I clutch at my chest, sorta fearing my heart would pop out from between my ribs. At least the pain had gone, replaced by an emptiness that seemed bitter sweet. I couldn’t help but think about death.

Melodrama or what? All I did was take a little too many pills and here I was, thinking about death. Fearing death. My eyelids felt heavy and wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep. I’d forgotten to hang up my cell and I could hear blurred words all mixing together to make a harsh, blunt sound. I ball my hands into fists and I know, I could be dying. Dying at twenty two. In an accident caused by myself. Well, if that didn’t spoil my day.

Since moving wasn’t an option, all I could do was pray. Half praying for a savior, half praying for relief. Taking all into consideration, maybe it was easier for me just to give up. Throw the towel in before the fight got too much for me. What did I have to look forward to if I got through this? Unemployment? Torment from a bitter ex? Loss of sleep over someone that at this moment didn’t want to know me? Fuck that, I conclude. This is better off without me. They’re better off without me.

It was like my mom always said, I didn’t belong in the life I lead. I was a mistake. God made a mistake , and now as an insult to him, I continue to live. I couldn’t believe I could be so selfish. My mom loved me. She knew what was right. Maybe this time, this was right. Patrick’s band could find a new bassist. Heaven knows the company can replace me. Frank will find another person to bug. Gerard could find another person to argue nerdy things with. This apartment could find another inhabiter. Hemmy could find another owner.

I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or not anymore. It didn’t matter anyway. Hemmy was still scratching on the door. My faithful pooch until the end. I heard the handle start jiggling and there was more shouting. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Patrick’s face when the door opened. Something I’d never seen in his eyes before. Sure, I’ve seen fear, joy, sadness and anger. This was different. It spurred a guilt I’d never felt before. He dropped to my side as my eyes closed once more. I swear in my last moments of consciousness I heard him whisper.

‘Please hold on…’ His voice desperate

The next time I opened my eyes, what seemed a second later, I was in the back of an ambulance with the sirens blaring. I felt a little dizzy, like I’d just spent a couple of hours on a carrousel. Patrick wasn’t there. He should have been. By all accounts he could have been. He wasn’t there. Correction, he chose not to be there. That look in his eye earlier. It must have been shame. I should’ve recognized it. I’d seen it so often throughout my life. Parents, teachers, friends, employees and Ash. Especially Ash. I embarrassed her when I spoke in public. She liked me to keep quiet whenever she felt a photo opportunity arise. If people could hear me, I was talking too loud.

My thoughts jumbled again and I knew when I woke the next time, I wouldn’t be here. I’d probably be in an antiseptic-smelling ward, with doctors and nurses scuttling around, smiling sympathetically, wondering why they were wasting time on a lost cause. I didn’t care. I wouldn’t kid myself anymore. It wasn’t important. Nothing was important. I was alone, and as I predicted from an early age, I would probably die alone.

Sure enough, the room was bright white, enough to sting eyes and leave the impression that you were in heaven. Ridiculous, that anyone could think that heaven could possibly look like this. Okay, so there were old people everywhere, that was highly likely to be found of heaven too. The pain though, had returned. If heaven was as I imagined it, I would feel as I did back on the bathroom floor. Completely numb. I’d rather that to this. I writhed on the uncomfortable sheets. My eyes screwed up, as if I was afraid my eyeballs might just roll out.

‘Hello…’ A woman’s voice cooed and a hand shook me gently, as if she really thought I was asleep

I exhale slowly, managing to remain grumpy even now.

‘Can I help you?’ I grimace, very gradually exposing my irises to her

‘Well… Actually…’ She giggled, making me shudder, ‘I’m here to help you’