FicWad

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away
- Seether ft. Amy Lee

By the time we got back to the hotel for a rest, Ryan was questioning me about what Pete had said on the radio.

“So you are telling me that Pete knew about the crush you had on me even before the rest of the band could pick it up?”

“I never told him anything about my crush on you. When he came down to hear the demo’s right before he signed us, I must have been staring at you a lot, because just as he was leaving, he whispered in my ear. He said ‘I know you have a crush on the guitarist. I can tell by the way you look at him.’ May I ask why you said ‘crush you had on me’? Why had?”

“Well, because I figured that with the way we’ve been acting together over that past couple of days, we are beyond the crush zone, and we’re entering the official boyfriend and girlfriend zone. But that is, of course, if you want to be labelled like that.” I was gasping for air at this point, because I couldn’t believe what Ryan was saying. The rest of the band was staring at me and Ryan, and Eric cleared his throat.

“Umm, sweetie, are you going to answer Ryan’s question?” He asked me. I was thrown back for a second, because Eric called me “sweetie”, but then I remembered that it was his pet name for me ever since we met.

“Well, Ryan, I must say…I didn’t expect any of this to happen, and it’s a real surprise that you’re asking me this question. I never in my wildest dreams,” I sat down on the couch furthest away from where Ryan was standing at this point, “believed that any boy would ever ask this question of me. And I never, ever thought that if someone would ask this question of me, that it would be someone who is famous, and one of my closest friends in the whole world. There are so many ways in which I’d like to say yes, that I would like to be called your girlfriend,” a smile spread across Ryan’s face, and he started to move towards me. I put up my hand in protest, “but, and this is a big but, if we do decide to become boyfriend and girlfriend, then we have to keep it out of public spotlight. We cannot let the media, our families, or our friends outside the band know, okay? We can’t even let Pete and his lot or the label know that we are dating. I know that these conditions seem harsh, but if you truly want to be with me, then you will agree to them.” Ryan looked like he had just been punched. I got up, strode over to him, and rested my hand on his shoulder.

“If you’d like time to think it over, then you can have it. I want you to be certain before you agree to this. I don’t want you to be unhappy. When you have decided upon what you want to do, then come and find me. I’ll be visiting some friends who live near Central Park. You will be able to find me there. Take as much time as you need.” I sauntered over to where I put my coat after coming in from the radio visit, and tried hard not to show that tears were starting to brim in my eyes. I made it out of the hotel room just in time before they came rolling down my cheeks. I doubled over right outside the door, and I was trying to be as silent as possible, which wasn’t quiet enough apparently, because Spencer came out of the room, and straight away gathered me into a tight hug.

“Why did you say those things to Ryan if you knew that it would upset you so?” He whispered into my ear. I broke away from the hug, and started to back down the stairs.

“You wouldn’t understand. No one here understands me. You all take me for a little kid, who can barely take care of herself. Well I have news for you. I can take care of myself, and I’m going to prove it to you.” I was screaming at Spencer, and I never knew I had this much anger in me. I could see the pained expression on Spencers face, and before I could see how much more I’d hurt him, or see if the rest of the guys would come out to see what all the commotion was about, I ran down the stairs and out of the hotel, with tears streaming down my face. I had no clue as to what part of the city we were in, but I kept running until all my anger has disappeared, and I started to realise what I had actually done. I found myself at the edge of Central Park, and I desperately wanted to hide out somewhere, but I had no friends nearby. I told a lie to Ryan. It was the first lie I had ever told in my life. I shuffled over to the nearest bench, and collapsed on it, completely exhausted from all the running and yelling I did. Why did I have to say those things to Ryan? I thought, as a huge gust of wind blew through the park and messed up my hair. I guess something dad taught me actually stuck, but I never knew I could make one person happy, and the other one so very sad. If only there were a way that – my thoughts were cut of by a girl, around my age, approaching me, holding out what looked like a CD case, and a marker pen.

“Would you mind signing my CD?” I took the case and the pen from her.

“Who should I make it out to?”

“Chelsea. I knew that you guys were in New York for the next few days, but I never knew that I’d actually meet one of you.”

“I’m not one of them. I’m just some young girl who has stuck by them since before they were signed, and goes on tour with them everywhere, and who dances with them on stage every night.” I signed the CD, and the CD case: Keep on Panic-ing. You have been one hell of a fan Chelsea. It is much appreciated. EM.

“Well, even if you’re not part of the band, I must say this. I loved the way you’ve started to include the band a bit more with your dancing, especially the thing with Ryan a couple of nights ago.” I looked into Chelsea’s eyes as she said this, and handed her CD back to her.

“Thanks, but I think that it’s safe to say, tonight is going to be my last show performing with the boys. I’ve been hurt so much in the past few years, ever since the band formed and I started to hang out with the boys a bit more. So much trouble has come of it, and I’m fed up with it, because it’s always me who gets dealt the wrong cards, and I need a break. It was because of me and my friendship with the band that I’ve disowned my mother, that my father is dead, and that I have no ‘real’ friends anymore.”

“Why do you think that it is because of you and the band that your dad is dead?” Chelsea sat herself down next to me on the bench, and gazed deeply into me eyes. I could see that she would be loyal, and not tell anyone else my secret, so I opened up.

“I’ve never told anyone outside of the band what actually happened to him. He was held up in a bank heist back in July. He’s an ex-FBI agent, and he was trying to make peace with the criminals, but they knew who he was, more of the fact, they knew who I was. One of them said to my dad – I know what your daughter has been up to, with those boys in that band she is in. I thought she was supposed to be Christian, true to her faith, and yet you let her roam around with them, and let her prance around half-naked on stage? The band is bad enough, but now there is one of our own Christians doing wrong in the public’s eyes, it’s gone to far. She should know better than that. If she were brought up into Christianity better, then she would realise what she were doing. But since she doesn’t know, we have to make sure it will never happen again. And there is only one way we can think of that. – Then they held a gun to his head, and fired. There was no mercy shown, and I have never forgiven myself.” My eyes glazed over, and I looked to my side and took a glance at Chelsea’s face. You could see the strain of emotion on her face. She looked at me and saw that I was shaking. She must have taken it for being due to the fact that I had just recounted a story of sorrow, but in actual fact, I was just freezing. She wrapped my up in her arms, and I just sat there, shivering.

“That was very brave of you, retelling the story, even though it must have been incredibly hard for you to do.” I moved slightly so I could get out of the hug. I sat upright and stared into the sky.

“It was my entire fault. If only I hadn’t met Ryan, or stuck by him when the band started. I knew what I was getting myself into, and my dad warned me that something like this would happen to me, especially because I am Christian. I was a firm believer in Christ, and I continue to be. My fault that he died, all my fault –“

“It wasn’t your fault honey. Far from it. I can’t believe you’re still beating yourself up about this. It was inevitable. You couldn’t have seen it coming.” I looked up into Ryan’s eyes.

“But… - “

“No matter how you try to phrase it to me; I’m going to continue to say it wasn’t your fault. Anyway, I’ve come up with an answer to the question you posed to me earlier.” At the sound of that, Chelsea got up and left us alone, waving and thanking me as she went.

“How long have you been here for?”

“Since you signed that girls CD. I never knew you felt that way about your position in the band. If I had known sooner,” he took hold of my left hand, and kissed it lightly, “I would have done something to help you adjust. Please don’t leave after tonight. We need you. I know with the way I have been acting lately, it hasn’t been all that easy for you, but there was no need to take your frustrations out on Spencer.”

“I didn’t mean to say all those terrible things to him. They just kind of slipped out. I was angry at myself for saying what I did to you, and when Spencer was talking to me, they just erupted from my mouth.” Fresh tears were starting to brim in my eyes, and only then had I realised that whilst I was talking, Ryan had slipped a ring onto my middle finger of my left hand.

“Does this mean..?”

“That I’ve agreed to your conditions of partnership? Yes, it does. I don’t care what it takes, but I’m glad that I can be with you, and that you wanted to be with me. I took to heart as soon as you left what you had said, and it truly meant something.” I looked down at the ring Ryan had put on. It was a beautiful silver ring, with an intricate design of hearts and triangles, with one single ruby in the middle.

“Th...thank you. It’s beautiful. You don’t know how much it means to me that you agreed with what I said. So much…my dad told me, once he saw how, umm, good looking the band was, that if I were to end up dating one of you, that I wouldn’t let it into public speculation what we were doing, until we were sure that we wanted to be together, and that it was going to last. He felt that if the media got hold of the fact that we, being myself and whoever the boy was I decided to date, were seeing each other, I might be pressured, either by my partner or the constant plea of the media, to give away my gift before marriage. Although I am a Christian, I don’t believe in the way of not giving up one’s gift before marriage. My outlook on it is that if I’m happy with the situation, and feel safe to do that, then I will, if that be before marriage, or after.”

“Thank you. Thank you for accepting the ring, for accepting my word to keep the relationship secret, and for accepting yourself to be a valuable part of the band.” He had just started leaning in for a kiss, when I pushed him back.

“Not here silly. We’re in public, and someone might see us and recognise us. Let’s go back to the hotel. We need to rehearse, and we can do that anytime during rehearsals.” I stood up, and he swung him arm around my shoulders, and we walked to the rehearsal space.



As soon as I entered the rehearsal space, everyone was staring at me, except for Spencer, who wouldn’t make eye contact at all.

“I think you should try to apologise to Spencer,” Ryan whispered in my ear. I nodded, took off my coat and started walking towards Spencer. Everyone was still staring at me, and I couldn’t work out why they would be, other than the fact than I had almost broken two hearts in one day. I approached Spencer, and he still wouldn’t look at me.

“I’m really, really sorry Spencer. I didn’t mean to take out my anger on you. The truth was, I was frustrated at everyone, especially myself, and I took it out on you, because you were the first one to talk to me about it. I realise now that I have an issue with something, and I want help trying to fix it. I never mean for it to get so out of hand. Please, just accept my apology, and we can go back to the way things were, back before…before my dad died. I realise nothing has been the same since then, with you, or with anyone for that matter. I want to make it up to you. I want things to go back. So much pain has come from that, and I don’t want it anymore. I thought the pain only hurt me, but it rubbed off onto everyone else. As soon as my issues are under control, I want to work with you on how to fix our broken friendship.”

“Our friendship isn’t broken Em, just slightly bruised. I accept your apology, and have to be honest with you. I also think you need help. You have an anger issue, and a bad grief issue. We need these fixed, before you harm anyone else, especially yourself. Well, at least before you hurt yourself anymore” Spencer pulled me into a brief hug, to show that he wasn’t mad at me anymore. His last comment kind of confused me though. I noticed that everyone was still staring at me.

“Why are you all looking at me? Let’s get practising.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve got to say it. Em, what are all of those cuts over your arms?” I only just realised that when I took off my coat, I also took off my hoodie, and that I was wearing a sleeveless top underneath. I haven’t worn anything without sleeves since my dad died, since I started cutting myself. Jon came up to me, and grabbed hold of my right arm. From the wrist up to my elbow were cuts, about two inches long. This was on both arms.

“Why have you been doing this to yourself? It’s unhealthy, and a bad habit.” I pulled my arm away from him.

“It was the only way that I could feel something. I haven’t been able to feel anything since my dad died and I’m glad that I’m lucky enough to have found a way to feel almost human again.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about this? If you had told us when you first started, it would never had progressed this far. Are there any more anywhere else?” I shied away from this question, and Jon took it as if there were more.

“Please Em, you’ve got to show us if there are more.” I was shaking my head.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. You think it’s all a way to get attention, to do myself harm. Never mind if I feel happy when I do it, never mind the fact that I feel as if I have been deserted, and if I continue, I have a chance to be with my dad again.” I could feel the anger rising in my body again. Ryan walked up to me, and took me into his arms.

“Please honey, you need to tell us if there are any more. We won’t send you away or anything. We just need to know so we can keep monitor on you.” He whispered into my ear. I nodded my head, kissed him briefly on the lips. I stood up on tiptoes and whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry.” I pulled my top off over my head, and there were scars over my stomach. I could hear sharp intakes of breath all around me. I was ashamed to be in the room with the boys. I pulled back on my top. I walked over to the door, and grabbed my coat.

“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t stop. I still can’t. You need to find me help. You need to take these away from me.” Out of my left coat pocket, I pulled out a handful of razor blades. Jon came and took them out of my hand.

“You’re right. You need help, and fast. I’m sorry to say this, but until you get this under control, you have to sit out of shows and performances. We won’t even allow you to do interviews, even if they’re on radio.” Jon sounded really strict. I just nodded.

“I’m going out, to find someone who can help me. Please, if you beat me back to the hotel, remove anything that I might be able to hurt myself with. Please…” after I said this, I slipped off the ring Ryan gave me; put it on the table next to his guitar, and left.