FicWad

You know what's funny? Something so completely horrible can happen to you, but you never tell anybody because you're afraid. Of what? Im not sure. Something just keeps you from telling anyone you care about.
Thats what I did. Instead, I took out all of my emotional frustration and anger on myself. On my friends. On my brother. On anyone around.

After a while, I started to isolate myself from my friends. I broke up with Frank. I kept to myself. I didn't speak to Riley at all. I wouldn't even dare to look at him.

My friends were shocked at my behavior and actions, the boys that I grew up with claimed they didn't even know me anymore. I didn't even speak much anymore. Then it happened. One day, they wanted answers. Answers that I couldnt provide for them.

Silence surrounded the circle of friends as they ate their lunches. Mikey ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwich quietly as his eyes moved around at everyone, waiting for somebody to say something. Strange, ever since my change in charisma, we seem to have more uncomfortable silences then we used to.
Gerard made a loud "ahem" noise and captured everyones attention. We looked over at him and he glanced around uneasily.

"Hannah, we...we...need to talk." he spoke ever so carefully, like his words were walking on delicate eggshells.
I flickered my eyes at him quickly and made a snorted. This only made him edgier.
"What...I mean, what happened to you?

I waited a few seconds and wiped the sweat off my brow.
"Nothing." I said this ever so casually.

He blinked at me a few times. "Then why are you acting so different?"

"Because I fucking feel like it."

"See? Its that attitude right there! Where the FUCK did it come from?!"

This inquiry and the tone provided sent me over the edge.
"You know what Gerard, whatever! I dont fucking ask you about your problems!"

"Yeah, because you dont say much of ANYTHING anymore! You just sit there and glare at everything! How are we supposed to help you if you wont tell us whats wrong?!" He screamed at me.
The level of his voice caught me completely off gaurd and I sat there with my jaw hanging slightly open.
"I mean, FUCK! What is this friendship? Is there even one left? You treat me like Im always bothering you! I cant win anymore!"

I felt my lip start to tremble. Amy stood up angrily and tried to hush her spontaneously angry boyfriend.
But he still stood there expecting an answer from me, ready for whatever I was going to throw at him.

I collected myself and slowly got up from my sitting position. I looked Gerard right in the eye.
"Fuck you. You know what, just fuck you. YOU'RE the fucking idiot who doesnt even realize! You dont even realize Id go to the ends of the earth for all of you! That you're the only family I've got! And Gerard, you cant even realize that Ive been madly, deeply, truly, and totally in love with you since the first day I met you! So fuck you. You dont even get it. You all dont even FUCKING get it. " I screamed. He may have been prepared for me in some ways but he was NOT prepared for that.
I shrugged, feigning like I was uneffected by what just came out of my mouth, and started to walk away. Nobody came after me. I didn't really expect them to, they were all still sitting there dumbfounded at what happened so fast.

I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I gulped hard and forced them to back down. To hell if Im gonna let Gerard Way talk to me like that. He didnt even know the HALF of what Im feeling right now.
Boy, if he did. He would feel like the biggest asshole in the world.

My walk turned into a sprint as I ran right off of campus and towards my house. The only thing I could hear were the pounding of my feet on the pavement and the wild, erratic, beating of my heart. I could see my house just up the way and I increased my speed like it was a light at the end of a dark lonely tunnel.
I noticed no cars in the driveway, and heaved a sigh of relief.

I reached my bedroom and paced the room, my mind working eagerly on what I was going to do about this.
I threw open my closet door and furiously grabbed a suitcase and threw it onto the bed.
I started piling all my clothes inside of the bag and grabbed all the other stuff I would need. I grabbed my phone out my pocket and I pressed harshly down on one.

The operator answered and I asked for the number. She told me "You will be connected in one moment." and elevator music started playing on the other line.
I grunted and loosened my determined look for but a moment.

God, what am I doing? Am I even doing what I think I'm doing? I thought until my brain ached.
I had become a different person, almost overnight. A monster. I was going to destroy myself. Which means my friends would be destroyed along with it. I couldnt let that happen.
My thoughts wandered to what Gerard had said at lunch before I walked out.

"What is this friendship? Is there even one left?!"

It echoed in my mind. The spark of determination flashed across my face once again. The music on the other end of the phone stopped abruptly.

"Hello, Newark International Airport services, how may I help you today?"

"Hi, yeah, I need to book a flight to L.A. Next possible departure."