FicWad

He found my letters.
We had a big fight over it too, he started yelling about how dare I do shit like that, how I have no right to talk to you this way...
That's the sentence that freaked me out 'how could you write that to her'.
He spoke of you like you were alive, like you just live far and I don't know what to make of it. Fear for his mental health or to be pissed over how he still thinks of you as his alive wife?
These both conflicts threw me off the edge so I ended screaming at him for going through my personal shit, I mean I keep these letters in my personal folder, along with personal pictures and everything, why would he go through my personal stuff like this, that's just beyond rude!
But I don't care of him snooping around that much, I see it as sign that deep down he cares for me enough to tear himself away from you and dedicate me a thought, give me a minute of his time and snoop around my shit, I just needed to scream at him for something and since screaming at him about you proved to be a mistake so many years ago I cling to the snooping argument.

I'm so scared though, I'm petrified that your death messed him up even more then I thought.
I can deal with detachment, with not sleeping with my husband months at a time, with him hating me for being alive but can I deal with mental illness? See the man I love turn into something he's not, seeing his own reality? Can I do that?
I'm not sure, I dealt with so much things I thought I wouldn't be able to...

I was really hoping for a change since that time he allowed me to hold him but I should've know better. Nothing will ever change, I can take it or leave it and I might as well take it cause I can't leave.
Getting used to the idea I share a house with nothing more then a roomate might make it easier for me to cope, and I do try to do that sometimes but these few moments of care he shows me once a year melts my defences back down and I come running back to him, confessing my love but I can see in his eyes the rejection, how he throws my love back in my face.
Am I that unlovable? I had boyfriends before...and I know for a fact Ron loved me before I turned him down for my present husband.
Oh Ron, I loved him too, we shared some good memories of love and happiness. That's how my life should've been like with some one like him if not with him, with someone who loved me but Gerard gave me this feeling, no one made me feel like that before, I don't even know how to explain it but I fell for him the minute he spoke to me his first words, his eyes, his voice still sends shiver down my spine..But maybe that not enough to be happy...Maybe I should give Ron a call, I missed him, it doesn't have to be either Gerard or my friends, I can have both!

Kylie.