FicWad

I watched her. Everyday since I could remember all I could do was watch. Now I am watching her again, the difference now is that I have no choice but to not touch her. She’s hidden under Earth’s ground in one of the most beautiful boxes. It’s amazing how caskets are made to catch your eye. It’s like they are telling you to ‘pick me and I promise your loved one will rest peacefully’, like a mattress commercial. I hated them. I hated funerals.

It took me hours to get here, but I finally did. I couldn’t stop crying as the song played on the radio. I’ve never doubted Christina Aguilera’s voice. However, this time I hated her for singing this song. I never thought I could relate myself to an artist considering the closest artistic thing I can do is paint…with my two left hands. With this song I couldn’t believe how my emotions would react every time I listened to it, the words would cut into my heart over and over.

*She was so young with such innocent eyes
She always dreamt of a fairytale life
And all the things that your money can't buy
She thought that he was a wonderful guy
Then suddenly, things seemed to change
It was the moment she took on his name
He took his anger out on her face
She kept all of her pain locked away*

The difference between Christina’s mother and mine is, she lived. She was able to save herself and her daughters. But my mom could only save me.

*It was the day that he turned on his kids
That she knew she just had to leave him
So many voices inside of her head
Saying over and over and over,
"You deserve much more than this."*

*She was so sick of believing the lies and trying to hide
Covering the cuts and bruises (cuts and bruises)
So tired of defending her life, she could have died
Fighting for the lives of her children*

She died for me. I wasn’t there when she left. I was off in college celebrating Kara’s birthday when I get a phone call in the middle of an off tune ‘Happy birthday’ only to hear she’s gone. Not gone as in run away from my father, which I would have been more than happy about. But gone as in I’ll never see her again.

I got out of the car and walked up to her grave. It still looked new. I asked James to entertain Josh and Scarlette while I came here to mourn. He didn’t seem eager, but he knew he had to. I could never thank God enough for giving me a friend like James.

I couldn’t pause the tears from coming down my eyes. As I sat down, my legs folded Indian style, a teardrop fell on the marble. I remained silent for a while, trying to get myself together to talk.

“Hey mom,” I choked. This was getting harder every year I came here. I wiped my eyes, making room for the next batch of tears to run down.

“How’re you doing up there? I hope you’re not giving the Big Guy a hard time eh,” I let out a laugh. My mom was quite the stubborn lady if she needed to be.

“I’ve been good hey. I’m almost done with school, finally. The past three years have been tough, especially without you by my side,” I sobbed, my head on top of my hand as my elbow was perched on my knee.

“Why did you leave me ma? I mean you should have come with me. Papa would have left us. He is very lazy and I doubt he’d drive for eight hours to Chicago just to find us. He was a selfish…” I started firing up in Spanish, which I always did when I got angry. I stopped myself after the tenth curse word I used, figuring my mom wouldn’t like it.

“I’m sorry for swearing, but I am not sorry for saying those words about dad. He deserved them,” I whispered, almost ashamed. I took a deep breath in, and then out again.

“And to make matters worse, that man you once called your husband was actually fathering two children across the Atlantic. They’re living with me now and I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’m only twenty-one ma, with no brothers or sisters so it’s not like I had any practice at taking care of people. It’s so hard. At least the boy, his name is Josh, is trying to make it easier. He’s very nice and a well-mannered English boy. Then there is Scarlette who is the devil’s spawn. She’s horrible. At least we know who took dad’s evil gene. James is helping me out well. They are with him now. I think he can tolerate Scarlette more. But you know, I’m taking it day by day.”

“I met someone ma,” I started smiling as Patrick came into mind.

“He’s amazing. His name is Patrick and he’s only three years older than me and he’s the best thing to come into my life since James. I love him more than anything ma. He taught me to love again. I know you told me to never lose my virginity before I get married but Patrick…he’s just so amazing. He always let’s me know he loves me. It is so cute because when he says it he has to do or say something endearing. Like he will call me a sweet name or he’ll kiss me like it is the last kiss he can give anyone. He’s the best and you would have loved him,” I grinned.

“I sometimes think I don’t deserve him,” I said, looking down. “But at times I think of all the things I had gone through my whole life, I realize that I also deserve to be happy for once, and he does that. He makes me the happiest person in the world. Every time I am with him I feel my heart skips beats, butterflies go crazy in my stomach and all other things people experience when they’re in love. It’s-” I stopped short when I felt a presence behind me. There was only me in the cemetery and even it was just after noon, it was still not safe to be here alone. I slowly turned to see who it was, only to drop my jaw.

“Hey baby,” he said softly, respecting the mourning session. I beckoned for him to come sit next to me. Once he sat he gave me a sideways hug, staring at the stone before him.

“Maria Thompson?” he asked, looking at me. He must have seen how wet my eyelashes and cheeks were because he rubbed his thumb over my cheek softly, taking me in. I bit my lip, scared to let out another sob.

“She’s my mother,” I whispered, looking back at the grave. Patrick froze; I could hear his breath hitch in his throat.

“She died three years ago today. I’m sorry I never told you, it just hurts me every time I do,” I looked at him. I could see he was trying to be strong for me. I couldn’t believe he was affected. He didn’t even know my mom but he was almost feeling the same emotions as I was. He was mourning with me, for me.

“I’m so sorry,” he choked. He pulled me to him and embraced me into a hug; something I needed for so long. I took in his scent that I missed for so long. I felt at ease even though I was sitting in front of my mother’s grave. I finally pulled away; I didn’t want to get too emotional.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked him, holding his hands in mine.

“The guys and I were passing here and I noticed your car so I asked them to drop me off,” he said. I nodded.

“Hey ma, here’s the amazing Patrick I was telling you about,” I said, facing her stone. Patrick and I felt a breeze, which made Patrick widen his eyes.

“Does that mean she’s saying hi?” he asked spooked out. I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Yeah, also to say she likes you,” I smiled at him. Patrick let out a breath of relief. We sat there for another hour, talking to my mom (or in Patrick’s case just listening and shivering every ten minutes). We started walking off to my car hand in hand. I asked him to drive and he drove our way home.

“Are you sure you want to go home?” he asked me.

“Not really, I don’t think I can handle James and the kids now,” I said, knowing it’s chaos at the house.

“Do you want to come to my place? You have the key with you right?”

“Yeah I do it is in my bag. I missed you like crazy so I think it is only right if I spend the day with you,” I smiled, taking his free hand in mine. He pulled it up to his lips and kissed it.

“We’re going to have a great day today,” he smiled back.

“I thought you guys are only coming back on Saturday.”

“We wanted to surprise you girls. Plus I was going to pull what ever is left of my hair our if I heard Joe whimper again,” he said.

“Why was Joe whimpering?” I asked, having the feeling I already knew.

“He missed sex with Kara, even though he wouldn’t say anything about their relationship. Those two better be more than fuck buddies and go out with each other,” he told me. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

“Kara was the exact same way, but at least we could get her to admit that she likes Joe as more than a fuck buddy,” I chuckled. Patrick shook his head at his friends.

“They are perfect for each other,” he sighed dramatically, wiping an imaginary tear. I giggled.

“So what are we going to do once we get to your place?” I asked mischievously. Patrick didn’t get the hint.

“I don’t know. Maybe get some lunch, watch some videos and whatever else we can do,” he said, turning a corner.

“You know there is such a thing as ‘grieving sex’,” I said seductively, rubbing his thigh. He glanced at me quick, looking shocked.

“Are you sure babe, I mean aren’t you too upset?” he asked, stopping my hand on his thigh, an erection almost evident.

“I’m fine baby. And I feel even better this time because you were there with me,” I said hopefully. He looked at me closely when we stopped at a red light. He saw how serious I was and leant over to capture my lips in his the first kiss since he left. It felt good to have them in mine again.

“Anything for you,” he smirked, kissing me again before driving again as the lights turned green.

“I love you baby,” I said, happy that I got to say it the first time. He laughed, as it is normally him who says it first.

“I love you always,” he replied. I rolled my eyes; he always had to outweigh me. I looked up at the sky and I could have sworn I saw a star twinkle, even though it was the middle of the day. She’s always there.

*So mother, I thank you
For all that you've done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through*

I love you mom