FicWad

Like A Knife Part 3

Life was dull and aimless for a while. I remained in my house for the following week, moping around unhappily and regretting every second of that uncomfortable conversation I had shared with Ryan. I wanted to talk to him desperately, just to pretend this never started to happen again, begin with a fresh start. But I knew that couldn’t happen. I sat on my checkerboard comforter with pink flowers on it and wrote in my journal. And I couldn’t help but wonder what he was up to.

*Ryan’s POV*

Dear Journal,

It’s been about a week and a half since I talked to Cammy; that’s the longest I think I’ve ever gone without seeing her smile. Everything is quiet and lifeless without her, but I really feel like she shouldn’t have brought the topic up again. Don’t get me wrong; I love the girl to pieces. I really do, but I can’t hurt Keltie. She’s so caring and I don’t want to get inconsiderate with her. I could wound her beyond healing, and that’s far from my list of to dos. And, I have to admit, sometimes I –

I picked up my sidekick to see who was texting me; it was about 5:30 and normally everyone was eating dinner. It had been Keltie, asking if I wanted to do something that night. I was normally with her every other Saturday night, anyway, so I obviously told her that I would be glad to. She told me she loved me and would meet her at the park (Not the park for children, but the fancy one the city used for entertainment like concerts). It was a beautiful place, filled with blossoming cherry tress, lovely gardens and a historic gazebo. I liked to go there to think about the lyrics I write, and Keltie and I had our first kiss there. I remember that day like yesterday. We met in high school, long after I had met Cammy, and we started dating not long thereafter. Cammy seemed so happy for me, but now I understand that it was all an act. She was doing what she did best; being one of my best friends. God, I can’t imagine what it must have been like to watch your love just get snatched away from you in an instant. She has no idea how much I feel for her. But Keltie…I can’t bring myself to hurt Keltie. Even the truth could bring her to tears. And the truth is something I haven’t told anyone before, and for good reasons.

Sometimes I regret I don’t tell her.

Cammy deserves better than me. I hate myself for it. If only I had known she loved me then, I would have never started a relationship with Keltie. Dear, dear Keltie.

I pulled myself from my couch in my living room and went to go get my shoes on. As I slipped on my new black Converse, I began to walk out, but held my glare on the sofa. Just a while ago, she was sitting here. Sitting here crying.

I attempted to clear my conscious, although I needed to pretend that I was all right. Then I grabbed my Clandestine hoodie and locked my front door. After getting into my car, I started the engine and began to back up out of my long driveway. Today it seemed to stretch forever. But as I thought about it, I slammed on the brakes and rested my head on the steering wheel. A large sigh escaped from my mouth.

I needed to rid myself of the guilt. I couldn’t forgive myself if Cammy never talked to me again.

I sat in my car for another half hour when Keltie called me.

“Hello?” I asked, even though I was fully aware that it was her.

“Ry, Honey, where are you? You were supposed to meet me here half an hour ago!” Keltie asked, clearly concerned. You’re scaring me!”

“I’m sorry, Keltie, Sweetie. I was just thinking about something…Don’t worry about me. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Hang tight…” I sighed into the phone. She just saved me from myself, and I was thankful for it.

“Okay, I’ll see you then. I love you!” She said ecstatically.

“Love you too…” It hurt to say it, because of one thing and one thing only.

I knew I loved Cammy. I was positive I loved her, but Keltie….I can’t keep my mind from imagining what I could do to her. I could manipulate her in so many cruel, harsh ways, and I could hurt her so much with just a few words.

So I found my brain and shoved it back into reality, and began to back out of my drive way all too familiarly, with a frown on my face.

Damn. I’m such an idiot.

I backed up to the street and pulled out onto the empty asphalt.

Idiot, idiot, idiot.

As I drove down the barren street, I passed a couple walking down the sidewalk, leaning in close to talk to one another and holding each other as if the world depended on it. I needed to fake it until Keltie decided to move on. That’s what it came down to, because ending it between us would kill me.

They laughed and held hands as lovers do, and it made me wish I could do that and truly love that somebody I was with. So I rid my mind of all the toxins about how much I resented myself for rejecting Cammy time and time again, and persevered on my drive through the everlasting city of Las Vegas.

The park quickly made its way into my sight and I parked my car in the little parking lot just beside it, hoping that Keltie might want to go home after all the waiting. But I was completely wrong, as when I slammed my car door shut, I noticed she was there, sitting alone in the gazebo.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. I’m Ryan fucking Ross! I shouldn’t have to go through this, but reality is all too cruel.

“Ryro!!” Keltie squealed, throwing herself out of the gazebo and running until she was tight in my arms. “It’s about time you got here!”

“Sorry, Kel. I don’t know what I was thinking making you wait. I’m glad you stayed,” I answered, a small amount of fakeness added to it.

Not really. I was more like mortified that she stayed here. But…

“I’m glad you came!” She said sweetly, nuzzling her head into my tee shirt. I timidly raised my hand and placed it in her long blond hair, hoping, wishing, praying desperately that she would find someone who really meant it.

I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be all right, but there was a little impulse in the back of my mind that I just couldn’t stop listening to.

You’re living a lie.

And then I thought about words, the knife thrust deep into my heart.

Just like a knife.