FicWad

“Guys, you’ve got to see this shit!”
John Feldmann exclaimed and he walked into his living room.
He held a clear, plastic case in his hand, the disc inside reflecting light onto the ceiling...casting interesting patterns about the room.

Bert sat on the couch, ballpoint pen in hand, scribbling away at a worn notebook,

“Feldy, we’re almost done with this.” he mumbled, eyes focused on a sheet of college ruled paper.

Quinn tapped his guitar for emphasis.

“Yes Bert, that’s stupendous.” Feldmann said, taking a seat next to him on the overstuffed couch.
“However.” he began, opening the case, “I’ve got something here you might be interested in.” he said with a smile, twirling the blank cd between his fingers.

Bert looked up from his work,
“Oh yeah?” he grinned,
“Let me see it.” he said, reaching out for the cd.

“Oh no no,” Feldmann beamed, pulling the disc away from him, “you have to listen to it.” he said, getting up and crossing the room to the entertainment system.

Bert laughed as Feldmann opened the CD player.

Quinn rested his guitar on his lap, leaning back in his seat,
“Whatever it is, it better be pretty important...interrupting our jam session.” he sighed with a smirk.

Jepha emerged from the kitchen, tea in hand,
“What’s going on?”

“No no no.” Feldmann teased, “Just wait for it.” he grinned, pushing the tray into the player.

Bert raised an eyebrow as Feldmann pushed play, turning to face them.

“The first person to tell me who this is gets a special prize.” he smiled as the track started.

Bert put his notebook aside as the song started.

As the song played, all of the boys stared blankly off into the distance...trying to figure out where they had heard that voice before.

Bert looked at the clear, plain plastic case on the table.
Nothing was written on it.

Suddenly, the song picked up, and the vocals exploded, contrasting perfectly with the guitar.

Quinn, Bert, and Jepha’s eyes widened, eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Holy shit.” Bert laughed casually, scraping a bit of skin from underneath his fingernail,
“Nice range.”

“That guitar is pretty kick ass.” Quinn admitted, ear turned towards the speakers, chin in hand.

And then, when the vocalist began to scream, Bert’s eyebrows raised. jaw dropping in disbelief,
“HOLY.” he gasped,
“Bad fuckin’ ass!”

“Man.” Quinn mumbled, staring blankly at his guitar.

Jepha smirked, staring at Feldmann as he took another sip from his ceramic mug.

Feldmann gave him a wink before he stopped the track,
“Any guesses?” he asked playfully, hands in the air, “Anyone?”

Bert shrugged.
Quinn shook his head.

“Heffa?” Feldmann grinned, “Any guesses?”

Jeph grinned into his coffee mug,
“Lily.” he stated plainly, eyebrow raised as he took another sip.

“NO fuckin’ way.” Bert smiled dismissively, tucking his hair behind his ears.

“Actually...” Quinn trailed off, staring at Feldmann’s face for a clue.

“I got it from Reprise today...a little teaser.” he began, hands behind his head,
“And I couldn’t believe it until I read the track listing on my PC.”

Bert stood in silence, looking from Quinn to Jepha, Jepha to Feldmann.

“Are you fuckin’ serious?” he asked, brow furrowed in disbelief.

No one was completely sold on the idea, not even Quinn, who sat in his recliner, staring at John Feldmann for any sign of a joke.

“Yeah.” Feldmann nodded, “I’m dead serious.”
He popped the disc out of the cd player,
“It’s from their new album that’s coming out next month.”

“That” Bert began, pointing to the cd now laying on the coffee table,
“Is Saint Lily.”

“Mmhmm.” Feldmann confirmed with a sincere nod.
“You can totally tell it’s her.” Jepha mused, walking back into the kitchen.

Ignoring Jeph, Bert continued his skepticism,
“That...is MY Lily. My little fuckin’ Lily sang that?” Bert repeated in disbelief before grabbing the disc to examine it.

“I told you,” Feldmann nodded, arms crossed with a smirk, “It’s her.”

“I think I just came in my pants.” Quinn stated, a small smile on his face.

“And that Hunter boy learned how to tune his guitar.” Feldmann added, gesturing to the disc,
“And YOUR fuckin’ Lily.” he laughed,
“Shit.”

Bert shrugged, staring at the cd in his hand,
“For 10 fuckin’ seconds...she was mine.” he mumbled under his breath.

Her lips pressed against his on that stage, in front of that screaming, cheering crowd.
The feeling of her smooth skin underneath his hands...the willingness in her lips...in her heart beat.....
She didn’t fight it....

“I’m sorry,” Quinn laughed, “What was that, Bert?”

Bert was pulled back from the past, eyes focusing in the present,
“I said suck my balls.” he grinned, slapping Quinn in the face.

“Alright boys..” Feldmann laughed,
“Playtime is over....BACK TO WORK!” he yelled before exiting the room, cd in hand.

Bert sighed, resting his head on the couch behind him....
I wonder how she is....I wonder if she thinks about me...
His heart twisted,
‘I love you.’
’No you don’t, Bert. I don’t even love myself’

He blinked before shaking his head.

Quinn smirked,
“Thinking about Alyson?” he asked.

Bert turned to see Quinn staring directly at him, a small, far off smile on his face.

Bert laughed softly,
“Yeah.” he forced.

“Liar!” Quinn exclaimed, strumming his guitar for emphasis,
“Pants on fire!”
He paused, fingers on the strings,
“I know you wrote her a song.”
------------------

Lily stared at her cellphone, willing it to ring.
To vibrate.
To do ANYTHING.

Will squinted in the afternoon sun, taking a sip of his caramel machiatto,
“Heard from Gerard lately?”

Lily sighed, staring at the table.
It was as if he had read her mind,
“Yeah...” she murmured, watching Adam eat an overpriced deli sandwich,
“He called me yesterday....” she trailed off, taking a sip of her now cold white mocha,
“We’re both promoting our new albums...he’s just wrapping his up...so we’re both busy..” she frowned before forcing herself to smile,
“He’s kind of making a big deal out of his.”

Adam stopped chewing,
“Ours is a big deal too.” he said, eyes narrowed.

“Yeah.” Will agreed, taking another sip of coffee,
“We’ve been working on those songs for like....8 months or something. Some songs for longer.”

Lily sighed,
“I know, I mean...he’s doing this whole concept with parades and marching bands and..confetti and shit.” she mumbled,
“Epic artwork and...they’re doing this promotional website and...shit like that.” she shrugged.

Will rolled his eyes,
“I’ll get on our myspace and post a bulletin or two....” he paused, thinking,
“Maybe make a video.”

“That’s a good idea.” Adam agreed, nodding.

Will glanced at Lily, who stared at her phone blankly,
“Hey,” he stated,
“We’ve got epic artwork too...” he shrugged,
“And we can get confetti.” he smiled,
“Didn’t you play tuba in highschool?” he asked Adam mischievously.

Adam didn’t respond, but only glared.
“All I’m saying is,” Will began, slurping through his straw,
“Every band is different.”

Lily nodded,
“Oh I know, I’m not worried about our cd...we gave it our all...it’s just..” she trailed off, shaking her head, dismissing the subject with the shake of her head,
“It’s nothing.”

Will sighed,
“Fuck Gerard, ok?” he said, a bit annoyed,
“All you think about is that motherfucker, I swear. Give it a fucking rest.”

Lily glared, a bit offended,
“He’s not ALL I think about.” she defended, only to cut herself off.
He did have a point.

“And fuck Ryan. Douchebag.” Will added, staring at a nearby tree,
“He’s probably off getting his hair dyed somewhere..” he sighed.
“And I never got to say this...because he was ALWAYS fuckin’ on my cock..listening to everything I said, BUT...” Will looked as though he was thinking of what to say,
“Remember how,” he began, running a hand through his hair,
“he used to talk about how you were fat in highschool?” he asked, eyes squinting in the sun.

Lily laughed,
“Yeah...” she sighed,
“What the fuck was that?” she mumbled, rubbing her forehead, eyes closed.

Ryan and Lily had gone to the same school together.
He was always one to reminisce on the way they used to look.
Will had gone to a private catholic school on the other side of town.
However, he and Lily had lived on the same street.

Will continued, chewing on his straw,
“I didn’t think you were /fat/.” he reasoned,
“A bit chubby...a little meat on you...but not /FAT/.”

Lily stared at him blankly, eyes narrowed, arms folded across her chest,
“...Thank you.” she said stiffly, taking the time to drain her grande cup of coffee.

“Speaking of chubby,” Will chuckled, “Have you heard from piggy stardust?”

Lily raised an eyebrow,
“What?”

Adam shook his head, continuing to eat his sandwich.

“Yeah, you know who I’m talking about, don’t you bro?” Will laughed, giving Adam a pat on
the arm.

Lily shook her head, crossing her arms tighter against her chest,
“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” she said impatiently.
How dare he say Gerard was all she thought about?

“Eliza.” Will said very matter of factly, causing Lily to let out a laugh,
“Piggy because...you know...and Stardust because of her....” he stared at the ice at the bottom of his clear, plastic cup, “out of control hair and makeup.” he said calmly.

Lily chuckled, shaking her head,
“You’re such a prick.”
“And no.” she added.

“Hmmm...” Will trailed off, “Interesting....”

Lily smirked, Will being gay seemed to make sense now...
“What?” she prodded.

Will shrugged,
“I just think it’s interesting that when we were at our highest point..she acted like she was your best friend forever...” Will traced the condensation collecting on his cup from the melting ice,
“And when you hit rock bottom...and left the limelight...she went missing in action.” he looked up at Lily, a small smile on his face.

“And she went after Gerard.” Adam added.

Will nodded,
“Piggy Fuckin’ Stardust.” he mumbled, tracing a pattern.
“Piggy played guitar..” he sang, causing both Lily and Adam to laugh out loud.

Lily had never really thought about what Will was saying, but it all seemed to make sense. It really, truly made sense.
She sighed,
“After Gerard and Bert got in that fight, she did my makeup... and she was a total bitch.” she remembered aloud.

Will nodded,
“Yeah, I remember that.” he sighed, “That’s why I gave her shit.” he trailed off, staring into space,
“I think she just wanted to be your friend because of who you are...” Will stated blankly, fixating on a pigeon walking on the sidewalk adjacent to Starbucks.

Lily couldn’t help but smile, remembering the smirk on Eliza’s face that night.
That was right after she had fucked her boyfriend in her dressing room...BURN!

Lily laughed softly.

“Piggy fuckin’ Stardust.” Will sighed, “Shit..”

Suddenly, he perked up,
“Talked to Bert lately?”

Lily’s heart seemed to jump.
Oh my god...she hadn’t...in so long.
Not since the party...
Not since he had grabbed her by the shoulders...shook her....
‘Stop living for who you used to be’

“N-no...” Lily mumbled, staring at her phone,
“Not in a long time...”

------------
“Holy fucking shit.”
Quinn began to hump the wall as Bert’s phone vibrated and rang across the floor.

“What?” Bert asked, a grin on his face as he walked towards it.

His face froze as he saw the screen:
Lily.

“Oh shit.” he breathed.

Before Quinn could say anything, he entered his room and locked the door behind him.

He hesitated for one moment before pressing the accept button,
“Hello?” he breathed, ignoring Quinn’s incessant talking and humping of the door.

“H-hey.”

Her voice was so sweet....flowing like cool, calm water...so gentle and soft, like a warm fall breeze.
His heart began to beat again....blood pumping through his body like it hadn’t in so long...surging, flowing, SCREAMING through him.
Like water to cracked, dry dirt.
Or maybe...it was just...
Love.
---------------

Bert stood in front of 17 Laurel street, hands deep in his pockets.
Lily had invited him over for a visit before she went on the road, promoting her new album.
And a day later, he was standing on her doorstep.

Lily’s house was a clean, crisp white.
Bert remembered she had bought it late last year, after her father had died.
The roof was pointed, slightly curved, and the house itself was freckled every now and then with various patches of climbing green ivy, reaching almost to the top of the two story home.
The house looked old, unlike the model homes most of his friends lived in.
It looked...like it was so used to life.
The front yard was seemingly over-run with flowers; the grass looked soft and lush...birds ruffled their feathers in a stone bird bath before flying up into the branches of a large tree, which shaded part of the home.
The yard was well kempt, but not TOO kempt.
It wasn’t like the hollow, plastic gardens of LA, or of any rich home.
There was something about it that was comforting...acceptable...natural..

Bert stared at the large, wooden door.
He had been standing there for a good 5 minutes.
The birds continued to chirp.

He rang the doorbell timidly, taking a deep breath.
His fingers ran against a small piece of paper he had shoved deep inside his pocket.
He would give that to her later...when the time was right.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps...and then silence.

A metallic sound followed...and then the door opened.

His heart seemed to stop in his chest.

“Hey!” she smiled.

She was barefoot.
Her hair was blonde again.
She was beautiful.
Fuck..so beautiful...

“Heeyyy...” Bert mumbled, scratching his head with a weak smile.

Lily laughed, hand to the doorway,
“What do you mean, fuckin’ HEY?” she teased,
“I haven’t seen you in how long, and that’s all you can say?”

Bert laughed, heart jumping slightly as she grabbed his arm and pulled him inside the house, shutting the door behind him.

Before he could think of a clever response, Lily had thrown her arms around him, her face resting perfectly in the crook of his neck.

He breathed her in...eyes closing as he pulled his arms tighter around her.
There was something about the way she smelled...
“Sorry...” he mumbled into her, hands pressed carefully against her back.

Lily shook her head in the comfort of his arms,
“No problem.” she replied.

Bert noticed she was wearing an extreme amount of makeup; black eyeshadow brushed across her eyelids dramatically...heavily.

“Welcome to our humble abode.” she said with a grin, pulling away from their embrace,
“I haven’t been here in a while, so Mom’s been looking after it for me.” she sighed, arms pinned across her chest.

He felt as though he were intruding on something very personal...a part of Lily he had never seen.
He almost felt guilty.

“It’s....really nice.” he managed, staring at the various and assorted family pictures hanging in the hallway, at the hard wood floor beneath his feet.

As he stared at the high ceiling, Lily noted how different Bert looked.
His eyebrows looked recently groomed....he had actually shaved.....his hair wasn’t greasy.
In fact, he looked utterly CLEAN.

He noted a pile of shoes by the door, and immediately took his own sneakers off, placing them gingerly with the others.

“Oh, thanks.” Lily said, hand to her neck,
“I... wanted this to be my little hideaway....” she trailed off, before giving him a smile,
“Let’s go into the living room.” she suggested, leading him down two small carpeted stairs.

Bert found himself in a spacious room, painted a light, lavender color.

Light spilled in through an open window, framed with flowing white curtains.
The carpet was a cream color, soft beneath his feet.
The room was fitted with overstuffed furniture, including two couches and a large, navy blue velvet armchair.
Each couch had pillows on it, along with a blanket.
An antique looking painting hung on the wall, along with a few small black and white photographs and.
A coffee table sat in front of the couches, scented candles and magazines on it’s shiny surface.
A modest entertainment system faced it...framed pictures collecting a thin layer of dust atop it.
A fireplace on the left side of the room boasted a decorated mantle, a vase full of silk flowers, a small stack of wood beside the empty fire.

“This is....” Bert began turning around once more to take everything in,
“So awesome.”

Lily sighed, taking a seat in the velvet armchair,
“Thanks.”
She looked a bit tired...a bit worn down as she ran her fingers across her forehead.


He walked to the tv, intent on taking a look at the pictures above it.

“I, uh..” he mumbled, smirking at a picture of a very young Will,
“Got a chance to listen to your demo today.” he said, eyes grazing over old photographs of Lily and her brothers...the band...

“Oh, you did?” Lily asked with a weak smile, tucking her hair behind her ears,

“What did you think?” she asked, staring at her toes.

“Fuckin’ amazing.” Bert replied simply, leaning closer to the framed photographs,
“But I’ve come to expect that from you.” he sighed with a smile, eyes locked on the memories.

“Ah, thanks.” she said with a small smile, pausing as she watched him...his eyes squinting at a particular photograph.
“Look familiar?” she asked, standing up to join him.

Bert chuckled, looking over his shoulder at her.

Lily grabbed the framed picture, handing it to him,
“It’s you and me.” she said, “Alternative Press.”

Bert laughed out loud, staring at a cut out from a magazine...framed...from years ago;
Lily laughing, eyes shut, mouth wide, and Bert grinning, staring at her, a beer in his hand.
They looked so much younger...

He looked up to see another picture of Lily between he and Gerard, each of them grinning madly....was that from her party?

“Glory days, huh?” Lily sighed, taking a seat.

Bert placed the picture back gently, almost as if it were made of the thinnest glass,
“Yeah...” he murmured, taking a seat on the couch,
“Fuck.”

Lily nodded,
“Hey, I...”
She stared at the ground, her eyelashes fluttering slightly,
“I never got to thank you for...what you did at that party.” she said slowly,
“I could’ve lost it all...and...” she paused, looking up at him with her large, blue eyes....eyes that Bert used to call stars when he was drunk....eyes that used to haunt him....
“Thank you.” she finished, hands intertwined.

Bert nodded, legs crossed, fingers at his chin,
“No big deal.” he shrugged,
“You were wasted, and I was just helping you out.”
He smiled as he looked up at the ceiling,
“You used to rub my back when I puked.” he grinned,
“Think of it as returning the favor.”

Lily laughed,
“Yeah well, you’ve got Alyson now to do that, right?” she joked,
“But I’m sure it’s never quite the same, huh?”

Bert had to stop himself from agreeing whole-heartedly.
Instead, he just laughed...his grainy, worn laugh.

He stared at her for a moment, taking her all in.
There was something about her that had changed...but he couldn’t put his finger on it.
He realized...this was the first time both of them had been truly alone together...

“What’s up with your makeup?” he teased, gesturing to her heavy, black eyeshadow and mascara,
“Trying out a new look? Part of then new ‘image’?”

Lily laughed, shaking her head,
“Uh no,” she replied,
“Actually I just got back from a photo shoot...” she trailed off, staring at her fingernails, painted a shiny black,
“Promoting this album is kicking my ass.” she mumbled, fingers to her temple.

Bert nodded with a frown,
“Sorry about that.” he said, leaning back on the couch,
“What you need is lots of energy drinks...” Bert smiled...a sweet, smile,
“Looks like someone hasn’t been on tour for a while...gettin’ a little soft?” he teased.

Lily rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face,
“Yep..” she sighed, “I guess that’s it...” her words faded,
“I miss it though...I really fuckin’ do.” she stared up at him, her brilliant blue eyes framed by long black lashes,
“I can’t wait to get back.”

Bert nodded,
“You know...” he began, staring at the ground,
“When you called me I was recording the new album.”

Lily raised an eyebrow,
“Oh shit, serious?”

Bert nodded,
“At Feldmann’s in LA....” he began, only to be cut off,

“And you came here...to see me?” Lily interrupted, “You should’ve just told me to fuck off.” she mumbled, hand to her forehead as she leaned back in the velvet chair.

Bert smiled, shaking his head,
“No....you know that’s not my style.” he mumbled.

His voice sounded exactly the same....much to Lily’s content.
She could close her eyes and listen to him talk...for hours....she used to fall asleep to it....

“I heard you’re dating Ville Valo.” Bert interrupted with a nod, scratching his leg.

Lily laughed out loud, hand to her forehead.
She shook her head with a smile,
“Uh, nope...no I’m not....” she paused,
“Though I’m not so sure if he thinks that...”
She smiled,
“He used to call me everyday...and speak Finnish to me...” she trailed off, laughing quietly.

“Yeah.” Bert agreed, “Ville’s a peach....but I’m not so sure he’s your type.” he said, rummaging around his pocket.

Lily nodded,
“But, I am seeing a shrink.” she added quietly.

Bert took a cigarette out of his pocket, bringing it to his lips,
“Oh?” he asked, eyebrow raised.

Lily nodded, standing up,
“Can’t smoke that in here.” she said, gesturing for him to follow.

She led him outside, watching him flick the lighter until a flame appeared.

She frowned as he inhaled.
She always hated that he smoked.

“Seeing a shrink, huh?” Bert repeated, staring up at the sky,
“How’s that going?” he asked, bringing his eyes to hers.

Lily shrugged, running her hands over her arms,
“Well, it’s nice to talk to someone.”
Bert laughed, staring up at the sky,
“You could’ve talked to me.” he said, inhaling once more.

Lily raised her eyebrows, staring at her feet,
“Well...I guess I could’ve...but..” she paused, staring up at him,
“I thought you were mad at me.”

Bert exhaled as he looked down at her,
“Mad?” he repeated, taking another drag.

Lily nodded,
“After...what happened at the truck stop...”she murmured gently...not ready to recall those memories.

“I DONT care about the fuckin’ media...I don’t care about what some fucker on MTV says....I don’t care about Gerard and I don’t care about what anyone else in this god damn industry has to say”
“Or your GIRLFRIEND for that matter!”

Bert sighed, tapping the ash off his cigarette, as he stared at the ground.

“I’m.....” Lily began, voice trembling slightly,
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry about what I said, and how I acted. I-“ her blue eyes looked as if they were quivering
“I never meant to hurt you.”

Bert nodded, staring off into the distance, cigarette to his lips,
“S’ok.”

Lily began to shake her head faster,
“NO, it’s NOT ok.” she insisted, causing Bert to let down his guard a bit, stare at her with mildly concerned eyes.
Her voice became smaller...her eyes hidden from view,
“I....I hurt one of the only people that has ever loved me for who I am....” she trailed off, her fists clenched tightly.

Bert frowned, cigarette between his fingers.
He took a moment to crush it on the ground,
“Hey...” he mumbled,
“It’s ok....” he said with a shrug,
“I didn’t DIE or anything.” he thought aloud.
But sometimes it felt like it

“I’m....”Lily began, staring up at him,
“I’m sorry.” she frowned,
“I really really am....”
She turned her back to him,
“I guess there are some things you didn’t really understand about me...and maybe you still don’t...” she said quietly before stepping back inside.

Bert followed her back into the living room, taking a seat on the couch.

Lily stood, facing the photographs on the tv....her arms around herself loosely,
“When you met me....” she began quietly,
“I had just gotten over cocaine.”
“I was fucked up...TOTALLY fucked up in the head.”
She paused, turning around to face him,
“I was an ex-anorexic ballerina COKE HEAD...and...I...was thrown into this situation with all these people wanting me and SCREAMING for me and actually GIVING a fuck....when before...I was just another drug addict....and...” she paused, staring at him,
“I had never talked to anyone about my problems. I had never...gone to therapy or N.A...”she twisted her hands,
“I was just trying to ignore that it had ever happened...and it started to eat me alive...from the inside out...” her hands began to shake,
“And I never talked about it...because I was so embarrassed....” she clasped her hands together, intertwining the fingers nervously.

Bert frowned,
“Lily...I get it....it’s ok.” he insisted softly,
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about...really.”

She shook her head,
“I just wanted you to know....why I acted the way I did....” she paused,
“I guess I just wasn’t used to...people...wanting to be my friend...”
She laughed,
“ I mean, back home...people wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole because they KNEW, you know? I didn’t trust anyone because someone always wanted something from me...or they were ready to cut me down...”
She looked up at him, her blue eyes soft,
“I guess...I just pushed you away...because...” she cut herself off, almost as if she were wondering whether or not she should speak,
“Because you were the only person that had ever treated me that way....so..” she spoke so slowly, so timidly,
“ so nice....so...sweet. And I didn’t know how to...react.”
“I was afraid...of...”
She shook her head, a small smile on her face,
“Sorry...I just switched meds so I’m a little edgy...I’m having a hard time explaining myself.” She said, waving her hands dismissively.

Bert exhaled loudly,
“They have you on meds?” he asked slowly, stiffly.

Lily nodded,
“Yeah, I mean....for anxiety and stuff.” she said casually...eyes fixed on a spot of the carpet.

Bert shook his head, biting his lip,
“You don’t fuckin’ need that shit.” he said,
“You’re FINE.”

Lily stood there, arms wrapped around herself,
“I....I hope so.”

Bert stood up,
“No seriously, you don’t need some fucking PHD prick telling you what you’re thinking, or how to act.”
Bert looked up at the ceiling, hands in pockets,
“And honestly,” he said with a shrug,
“I don’t think you need to swallow any fuckin’ pills either.”

“Well,” Lily reasoned,
“I wouldn’t say that...I mean, I was having a really hard time and..”

Bert interrupted her, leaning forward,
“Lily, I know people that have gotten hooked on that shit. It CHANGES people. I don’t want you to end up as some watered down version-“

“Bert...” Lily said, pulling up her sleeves,
“I tried to kill myself.”

The words were ripped out of Bert’s throat as Lily held up her newly tattooed wrist...the white scar underneath it....whispering the truth.
She was shaking now, as Bert took a step forward, a look of pure horror...confusion on his usually apathetic face.
“I...uh...” she shook her head,
“I did it where no one could see...” she admitted, pulling up her shirt to reveal white scars on her her upper arms, her stomach.
“And then....one night I pressed too hard...” she broke off as Bert grabbed her wrist, staring at the ink and the scar below it.

“No.” Bert whispered, shaking his head,
“NO.” he repeated, louder this time.
“You- You could’ve CALLED me.” he began, voice growing louder as he held onto her wrist,
“You could’ve TALKED to me. You could’ve fuckin’ SHOWN UP AT MY TOURBUS.”
His calm blue eyes were now a raging sea...of emotion, of regret,
“I would’ve helped you!”
Lily stared up at him, her eyes like a lost child’s.
He stared at her in silence, heart beating furiously beneath his t-shirt.
He was breathing so hard....his eyes were so wide....his heart...hurt.

He pulled away, turning his back on her,
“Why?” he said slowly,
“Why did you do that?”

Lily shook her head, mouth open...but the words couldn’t come out,
“I....I...”
It was like explaining the unexplainable.
She wanted to tell him how everything was black.
So hopeless...
But...she couldn’t

Bert turned to her,
“People fuckin’ NEED you, Lily.” he said, voice strong,
“Hundreds of fuckin’ kids NEED you. Your mom needs you, your brothers need you, and...”
He broke off, voice wavering..eyes an ocean,
“and I need you.”

A tear quivered at the edge of Lily’s eyelid, threatening to spill forward and break the wall she had built for the past couple months.
She had never realized how self absorbed she had been...left in the dark...in her own self hatred.
She had never realized how people felt about her...
How...maybe...she was needed.
Important.

Bert stared at her, mouth twisted into a violent frown.
He stood there, hands balled into fists....chest rising and falling ever so quickly.
And his eyes...they trembled like leaves in the breeze...like still water, disturbed by the most awkward of dives...

“I...” Lily quivered,
“I...” she broke off, unsure of what to say,
“I just felt so...ALONE.”

“Well you WEREN’T” Bert sputtered,
“I was fuckin’ RIGHT THERE, the WHOLE time,WAITING for you.” he cried, arms wide open.

He laughed bitterly,
“Lily, you’ve NEVER been alone.”

She had never felt so foolish in her life.
So self absorbed..so selfish....

She looked up as Bert fell to his knees, tearing something from his pocket,
“Look!” he laughed,
“Fuckin’ look..” he clumsily unfolded a piece of paper in his hands,
“I wrote you a fuckin’ song.” he laughed,
“ACTUALLY, TWO songs.” he corrected.

Lily fell back into her chair, collapsing into it.
She hid her face in her hands...in guilt.

Bert cleared his throat before he began to sing,
“Lay your head down just for now. Space fills your mind and you dream, awhile.
The sun fills your room as you drown. Your lungs full of breathing, your true love BELIEVE.
ONE more time to say, I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, and keeping faith, letting love find a way.”
His voice was beginning to crack as he sang aloud from the paper,
“Move, let the stars suck you in. Hold tight the night’s air and BREATHE again.
Let go and be burnt by the moon. Your hands full of feeling your true love believe. ONE more time to say I LOVE YOU ALWAYS and keeping faith, letting love find a - ONE more time to say, I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, and keeping faith, letting love find a way....”
His hands trembled, shaking the paper clutched so tightly between his fingers as he continued,
“I love you to death. Could you love me to death?”
His voice was cracking, trembling...his eyes a blue blur.
“I..love you to death. Could you love me? Could you love me?”
He cut himself off, crumpling the paper up in his hands.
He stared, blankly, off in the distance before standing up suddenly,
“Fuckin’ BEAUTIFUL, ISN’T IT?”

“B-bert.” Lily managed through prying tears,
“I said I was sorry, I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

Bert was pacing back and forth, hands shaking,
“HOW ABOUT FUCKIN’ ‘I LOVE YOU TOO, BERT’?”
He yelled,
“HUH?!”

“I DO LOVE YOU!” she cried, hand balled into fists that she slammed against her thighs,
“I DO!”

Bert laughed out loud, his maniacal, high pitched laugh,
“YEAHHHH fuckin’ RIGHT. YOU love fuckin’ SHIT-FOR-BRAINS SELF-ABSORBED SELF-RIGHTEOUS CAN’T FUCKIN HOLD YOUR HAND OR HIS LIQUOR GERARD FUCKING WAY.” Bert breathed,
“YOU ALWAYS HAVE.”

Lily began to cry silent tears,
“It’s NOT SOMETHING I’M FUCKING PROUD OF!” she defended, standing up.

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Bert dismissed, waving his hand,
“WELL you KNOW what? Fuckin’ PRINCESS? Huh?”

Lily shook her head, turning her back to him.

“I’m fuckin’ OUT OF HERE.”
Bert yelled, grabbing his crumpled of piece of paper and shoving it in his pocket,
“DON’T FUCKING WORRY, I won’t BOTHER you ANYMORE.” he said as Lily turned to face him slowly, hand over her mouth,
“AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO SITTING AROUND FUCKING WAITING FOR GERARD FUCKIN’ WAY TO CALL. FUCKING WAITING FOR HIM TO LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I DO.” he cried, hand to his chest,
“GOOD FUCKING BYE!” he yelled, stomping down the hallway.

“BERT!” Lily cried,
“Wait!” she yelled, voice cracking.

He stopped in his tracks before the front door, back to her.

“I’ve....got more fuckin’ songs to write about you, Lily.” he said sarcastically,
“I don’t have fuckin’ time for this. I’m a full time pathetic fool.”

“Please stop.” Lily trembled, grabbing at his arm.

He sighed, turning to face her, his eyes turned towards the ceiling.

Before he could think of another retort, Lily had grabbed his face in her shaking hands... and kissed him.

And Bert couldn’t think of anyone but Lily...in that moment.
In the way she felt, pressed underneath him in that hallway.
In the way her tears felt on his face.
In the way her lips felt against his...in her heart beat.
He couldn’t think of his fiancee; the promises he had made.

All he could think of was them...together...
Alone.
For once.

And deep inside, he knew.....it’d only be this time.