FicWad

The water trickled down her back in a slow, steady stream.
The sound was almost eerie.
Isolated.
Framing every thought Lily was forced to ponder.

And she stared blankly at the shower tiles...at a half empty bottle of drug-store conditioner, and thought.

About Bert.
About Gerard.
About all the fucked up things she had done.
About all the GOOD things she had done.

About her mom.
About her dad.

But mostly about what had just happened...and whether or not she had thrown the earth out of it’s orbit.

She blinked slowly as she ran soap over her stomach...over her scars.

She stared at them blankly as she remembered the small, silver band around his ring finger....

Fuck.

“You know,” Lily had whispered as they lay in bed, pale streaks of sunlight striping their bodies,
“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but...” she paused, pulling the blankets up to her shoulders as Bert stared at her intently, his brilliant blue eyes so wide...
“Will’s gay.” she finished.
Bert laughed softly, staring at Lily’s collarbone,
“Well...” he breathed,
“That doesn’t surprise me....” he broke off, his hand slowly wandering to her face.
His fingertips brushed the hair out of her eyes, slowly running across her cheek, her nose....

Lily closed her eyes, breathing softly... a distant, sleepy smile on her face.
And Bert grabbed her wrist and kissed it ever so gently.
He intertwined his fingers in hers, before staring into her eyes,
“You know..” he whispered,
“Just...just let me know if this is what you want...if..” he broke off, tucking his hair behind his ear,
“If I’m what you want.”

2 hours later, Lily stood in the shower.
Alone.
Nothing but her and the water.
And her memories.
She would be leaving soon for promotions.
But the situation would not go away.

Did SHE even know what she truly wanted?

And the sex had been good.
It wasn’t quick.
Or aggressive.
In short...it was NOTHING like the way it had been with Gerard.
It wasn’t selfish.
It was...gentle, yet passionate.
It lasted more than 7 minutes.

And she could feel the yearning in his heartbeat...in his trembling fingertips.
In the way he kissed her...like he had been waiting his whole life.
Like it MEANT something.
She could really FEEL everything he had said to her before, in her living room.
She could feel that he loved her.

And when it was over, they wandered upstairs...and Bert told her about everything that had happened since they had last spoke.
He told her about Branden leaving the band.
About his struggles with alcohol....and about how he thought about her everyday.

“You were...” he began, head propped up on two pillows,
“pretty fucked up at that party.” he had said gently, his eyes the deepest blue...
“I’m really glad I was there. I almost didn’t go, you know.”

And Lily had smiled and nodded, taking all of him in...eyes scanning over every stray freckle on his pale, smooth skin,
“I’m glad you came too.” she whispered, staring at his bare chest.

And it felt like there was a bird in her chest; fluttering it’s wings against her heart, her ribs.
And it made her want to laugh, scream...kick her feet.

She had never really realized, until now, how good looking Bert was.

His nose...his eyes...his face.
His personality...

Lily stuck her face under the shower-head, letting the water drench her completely.
But she couldn’t drown out what had just occurred...she couldn’t wash away the image of Bert kissing her stomach...every faded scar.
And she couldn’t wash away the curiosity..and the what-ifs.

As she toweled herself off, she looked out the window, remembering everything he had said.
A warmth began to spread throughout her body as she remembered his laugh...his smile...the way he touched her.

For once in her life, she could admit it....
“I’m..” she whispered, towel to her neck
“I’m in love with Bert.”

She heard a familiar sound before her eyes found her phone vibrating across the creme carpet.
She bent down to stare at the screen.
Gerard.

Gerard.

Her heart began to pound.
Her cheeks turned a shade of red.

Her toes curled.

Should she?

Before she could stop herself, she had seized the phone and pressed accept.

“H-hello?” she asked, taking a seat on her bed.

“Hey!” he replied cooly, charismatically.

Lily stared up at the ceiling, mouthing ‘fuck’ several times before replying,

“Hey” she breathed, staring at her toes.

Gerard laughed,
“What’s happenin’, princess? You sound a little..” he paused,
“Flustered.”

Lily laughed.
He had no idea.

“Oh no, I’m fine.....” she took a breath,
“I’m just leaving for New York in a little bit...promotional shit....you know...” she explained...partially.

What would he say if she told him the truth?
It’s not like they’re dating or anything....
Lily paused, considering the possibility for a moment before shrugging it off.
“So, listen Lil...” Gerard began, blurred noise in the background,
“I know that...our relationship isn’t exactly up to par yet..”

Lily had to stop herself from snorting.
What relationship?
Lily wasn’t aware there was really anything SOLID going on between them.
Gerard was always so...annoyingly vague.

“But..” he continued,
“I’ve got a couple months off before we go on tour..and I need a place to stay.”

Lily’s eyes widened.
Was he out of his mind?
Could he be serious?

“And uh...” he paused.
She could almost imagining him biting his nails,
“I was wondering if I could stay at your place for a while...”he trailed off, stretching the words into a timid question.

Lily laughed out-loud.
“Are you serious?” she said with a grin of disbelief,
“I uh...” she trailed off, not knowing what to say.

How annoyingly straight forward of him.

Gerard chuckled nervously,
“Well uh....” he paused for a moment,
“Yeah.” he admitted, a bit embarrassed.

Lily stood up, running her fingers through her wet hair,
“Gerard, I’m not even gonna BE here.” she reasoned, staring at a crumpled pile of clothes on the floor.

She could hear him breathing before he continued to speak.
“Yeah well....” he began in a mumble, “I was just asking because I’d rather...not be living in a hotel or crashing at Ray’s apartment....I kind of feel like the third wheel...” he trailed off, realizing how ridiculous the whole situation was,
“But-hey, if you don’t want me to, then that’s cool.”

Lily sat back down on her bed, hand to her forehead.

“Can’t hold his liquor OR your hand...

“Uh...” she thought aloud.....

“D-don’t leave..please.”

“Ok.” she sighed,
“Fine.”
A voice inside her head screamed.
Memories flashed before her eyes....
The nostalgia was really getting to her....

“Yesss, thankkk you Lil, SERIOUSLY.” Gerard sighed in relief,
“You have no idea how much this means to me, I-”


“BUT.” Lily interrupted,
“You meet me in New York and get my key. Or work something out.” She stood up, crossing the room to her dresser,
“I’m busy.” she added, pulling on a pair of striped undies from a stuffed upper drawer, phone pressed between ear and shoulder,
“Got it?”

There was no way in hell she was letting Gerard Way get the best of her, ever again.

“I know you’re busy.” Gerard murmured in an unintentional, somehow seductive tone, causing Lily’s heart to beat faster.

“And, another thing” Lily blurted, trying hard not to seem swayed by his charms,
“I’m telling my mom you’re staying. So if she comes over and finds you..” Lily paused, scanning the room for a pair of jeans,
“Fucking some groupies, you’re in trouble.” she finished, throwing a pair of worn out jeans on the bed.

Gerard laughed out loud,
“Please, Lily.” he murmured casually,
“You know that’s not my style.”

Lily snorted,
“Well, I don’t know...we haven’t been on tour together for almost a year....” she teased sarcastically,
“Who knows what bad habits you’ve picked up since...”
Lily trailed off as she spied a pink package of birth control slipping out of her purse.

Slowly...as Gerard gave her a clever response...she realized...

She
hadn’t
taken it today.


“Oh...fuck.” she whispered.
She scuttled across the room before seizing the package and popping a small, peach colored pill into her mouth.

“What?” Gerard repeated, slightly annoyed that Lily would not respond to him, particularly after her outburst.

Lily forced the pill down her throat before replying.
Oh the things she wanted to say...

She hummed,
“Well uh..” she paused, staring at her stomach,
“This rock and roll lifestyle...forgot to take my b.c.” she explained casually, eyes wide as she thought of the possibilities.


“B....c?” Gerard repeated skeptically, pausing momentarily,
“Birth control?” he asked slowly, breathing a bit different.

She took a seat on the bed, wondering....if anything was possible.
It had only been a couple hours....
“Uh....” she mumbled, eyes coming into focus,
“Yeah.”

Gerard laughed, rather slowly,
“Looks like someone else is fucking groupies.”
He replied tartly.

Lily couldn’t help but snort,
“You have...NO idea.” she grinned, pulling on her jeans.
“Do I detect...bitterness?” she teased in a breathy sort of voice, pulling up her zipper.
Take.
That.

Gerard let out a small, ‘hmph’,
“Well, you know me...” he murmured,
“Always bitter....” he paused,
“Gotta keep my edge.” he sighed.

“Hmm..” Lily sighed, arm across her chest,
“It always suited you...” she paused momentarily...

‘FUCKING WAITING FOR HIM TO LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I DO.

Suddenly, she was aware of the knife in her heart.
Of the scars Gerard had left behind.
Blue flames, cold at first, then scalding, started to lick their way up her throat.
She wanted to tell him everything she hated about him.
How she deserved so much better.
How he should just cut the crap and tell her how he really felt.
But, all she could do was sit in silence, staring at her own two feet.
Feet desperately in need of a pedicure.

“Well.” she mumbled,
“I should go.”

“Yeah..” Gerard agreed, tone of voice slightly different,
“So uh...where are you gonna be?” he asked.

“Mtv.” She replied, voice suddenly drained of emotion,
“Premier. 2 o clock.”

“I’ll....” he paused, “I’ll meet you there.”

Lily nodded silently before speaking once more,
“Alright. See ya.”

Before she could hang up, Gerard interjected,
“I gotta know....” he blurted, slowing down after the initial outburst,
“...who this guy is.”

Lily smiled softly, hand to her forehead.
For once...it seemed like SHE was in control of this crazy ‘relationship’, if you could even call it that....
“Who this guy is?” she repeated in a question.
Should she tell him the truth?

“Yeah.” Gerard confirmed quietly, if not stubbornly,
“I mean..” he said slyly, “I might know him, right? We DO work in the same industry...” he trailed off,
“I gotta know if he’s good enough for you...”

Lily stared in the mirror as he spoke, brushing long, wet bleached strands from her face.
She frowned, staring blankly at her reflection.
She could sense a pain in his voice, covered up by bravado and wily words.
She had known him for too long.
She had seen him at his worst.
And she could hear the tiniest piece of glass stuck in his throat with every slick word slipping from his perfect lips.
She could almost picture his little, square teeth...

“Yeah...” Lily mumbled blankly, memories, like an old, cracked film playing behind her blank pupils,
“You know him.”

Gerard was silent on the other end.
She could hear his breathing...slow and steady.

“I...” he stumbled quietly,
“I hope I don’t.”

And he spoke like there was blood in his throat...a gash in his heart.
And every breath was full of pain...of the reality of life.
Of regret.

She
wasn’t his.

She had slipped through his fingers...like water.
Like time....


But wasn’t it expected?


Lily’s eyes came into focus.

She almost wanted to apologize.
But, all she could do was....

“No...you probably don’t know him.” she whispered, hands running over her toes,
“I’m sure you don’t..”

Lie.

Gerard took in a breath.

Did he know she was lying ?
And for his sake?

“Well uh...” he murmured,
“Gotta go.”

Lily breathed gently,
“Me too.” she replied blankly.

“I’ll uh...call you...” he whispered.

“Ok....” Lily said with a frown, “bye.”

“Bye.”

And she stood up and took a breath.

She ran her hands over her face.
Her thighs.
Her stomach, marked with past stretch marks and faded scars.

She took one look at the ceiling,
and another out the window.

She was to be in New York in a few hours....

She was going to be in a studio, with a few screaming people...premiering her new video..her new SINGLE.

Will would be there, Adam would be there....
And....FANS.
And MUSIC.
And....maybe
just maybe
she’d have her old life back.
She’d have LOVE back.


-------------------



Lily closed her eyes as a brush ran across her face.
She sat in a dressing room, a make-up artist sweeping a sheer powder across her face.

“Ms. McKay?”

Lily opened her eyes to see a man with a clipboard, a headset, and an eager smile standing before her.

“Lily.” She smiled, “Call me Lily.”

She extended her hand, only to have him take it hesitantly,
“It’s an honor to have you here.” he said with a grin, staring down at her newly manicured hand,
“It really is.”

Lily smiled warmly as a brush ran through her hair,
“Thank you...it’s really good to be back.”
She replied genuinely.

He informed her she had 20 minutes until the premier.
The clock read 1:40.

“We’ll send in an intern to bring you to the stage. So just sit tight.” he said with a smile before exiting the room.

Lily closed her eyes, trying to stay perfectly still as a thin layer of eyeliner was applied to her eyelids. She breathed softly as more makeup was applied to her face, thoughts wandering.
And before she knew it...she was alone.
No makeup artist.
No interns.
No assistants.
No Matt.
Just...Lily.
Alone.

She stared at her reflection, taking in the length of her eyelashes.
The amount of glittery, smokey eyeshadow applied to her eyelids.
But then...out of nowhere...she saw something...
in her eyes.
Something different.
And it scared her.
She used to be..vibrant.
Naive.
Alive.

NO, she was STILL alive...it was just...

A knock sounded on the door.
The intern?

“Come in?” she called.

“Hey rockstar.” replied Will, sauntering into the room with a lollipop in his mouth, Adam in tow.
His pale hair was combed and parted classically, complimented with a white collared shirt paired with a blue tie.
He slurped on a tootsie pop, giving Lily a nod.

“Hey..” she mumbled, slighlty nervous.

Adam stood before her, wearing an argyle sweater.

“What is this?” she asked, looking at the both of them,
“Formal day?”

Will shrugged, swallowing a mouthful of sugary spit,
“I just thought I’d look nice for my public debut.” he said casually.

“Me too.” Adam agreed,
“And it’s cold outside.”

Lily stared out at the window at the gray New York sky, and then back at her jeans and t-shirt with a frown.

“Whatever.” Will said with a shrug, glancing at Lily’s laid back attire,
“Who cares.”

Lily stood up, crossing the room to rummage through her backpack,
“I care!” she whined,
“I’m the lead singer!”

Adam shrugged,
“You do have a point.” he mumbled, watching Lily rifle through a bag containing her passport, makeup, and any extra clothes and toiletries she couldn’t fit into her luggage.

“I need to look good.” she breathed, pulling out various items of clothing frantically from what seemed like a bottomless pack.
“If I had known you guys were going to dress nice...” she breathed, holding a shirt against her chest as she looked in the mirror,
“I would’ve done the same..” she paused, unzipping her jeans and pulling them off,
much to Will’s disdain.

“Whoa there!” he said, turning away in surprise as she wiggled into a mini skirt.

“Oh please.” Lily breathed, zipping it up quickly before turning to face her reflection,
“Like you care.”

Before Will could think of a clever response, Lily had peeled off her snoopy tshirt and replaced it with a plain white one, pulling on a warm hooded sweatshirt, lined with fake fur.

“That’s...” Will paused, scanning her from head to toe, silver skirt to hoodie,
“An interesting outfit.”

Lily ignored him as she pulled her long blonde hair into a ponytail, brushing her bangs to the side.

“You can totally see your bra through that shirt.” he mused, cracking into the center of the lollipop with a satisfying crunch.

“It’s black.” Lily murmured, running her hands over her slightly stubbled legs,
“Who cares.” she said, imitating him as she stared in the mirror,
“Do these boots look ok with this?” she asked, turning to face them.

Adam shrugged.

Will sighed,
“What? Since Will’s a fag, he should know these things, right?”

Lily rolled her eyes,
“Oh yeah, totally.” she sighed, pulling her ponytail higher.

Will smirked,
“Well, I think they look fine.” he replied, tossing the candy coated paper stick into a small, plastic trash can.

Lily smirked,
“Already a bitch.” she sighed.

A knock sounded.
Lily looked at the clock, 1:55.

“Are you sure this looks ok?” she blurted as the doorknob began to turn.

Will sighed as if he was being asked to recite the Gettysburg Address for the fifth time,
“YESSSSSSS.” he groaned.

Suddenly, everyone fell silent as their eyes came to the door frame.

“H-hey.”

Ryan stood before them, hands in his pockets.

A few moments of silence pierced the previously anxious room.

Lily’s lower lip quivered slightly,
“Uh...hey...” she trailed off, taking a quick glance at her bandmates,
“What...” she began, eyes wide with the awkwardness of the situation,
“What’re you doing here?” she asked, Will rolling his eyes in her peripheral vision.

Will snorted, staring at the ground.

Adam frowned, eyebrows furrowed....obviously unsure of the situation.

“I...” Ryan began, staring up at the ceiling,.
“I want back in the band.” he finished, staring straight into her blue eyes.

Will let out a rather guffaw.

Ryan ignored him.

“I wasn’t aware you really LEFT the band.” Lily said slowly, carefully,
“I mean...you never even told us what was going on...”

“Uh,” Ryan interjected softly, holding up a forefinger,
“You made me leave, and-“

“For a good fucking reason.” Adam added, arms crossed,
“Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway?” he said stiffly,
“Saying that shit and expecting us to fuckin’ welcome you with open arms. Fuck that.”

Will looked up from the floor towards Adam’s toned figure, a small smile on his face.
Lily noticed his eyes were glistening...quivering.

Ryan shuffled uncomfortably, staring at the floor before speaking again,
“I know what I did was fucked up, and I’m sorry.”
The words seemed forced.

“No you’re not.” Will said quietly, lower lip stiff, arms crossed.

Ryan shook his head,
“I...” he broke off, struggling to look him in the eye,
“I am sorry Will.” he paused,
“I...” he looked up at Lily, eyes almost pleading,
“You guys know how I get sometimes, I was just going through a hard time and....I flipped.”
“I was so stressed about the new album and...I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”
He spoke to the floor,
“And I’m sorry.....Once again, I’m sorry.”
“I....I didn’t mean it.”

Will nodded slowly, eyes fixed on a spot on the wall.
On anything but Ryan.

“Well...” Lily whispered,
“We can talk about this later.”
She said, glancing at the clock.

Adam nodded,
“Later.”

Ryan smiled weakly.

Will stared at the wall.

And the intern took them to the stage.

-----------------------


“Live?”
Will repeated during the five minute commercial break.
His usually apathetic, cherubic face was skeptical,

Matt nodded, a small frown on his face.
Perhaps it was a sympathetic frown.
He glanced at his watch with a sigh,
“You guys are professionals.” he murmured,
“You can handle it.”
He suddenly became very preoccupied with his Blackberry.

Lily furrowed her eyebrows,
“But we haven’t...played a show in...” she paused, counting the time in her head,
“Months.” she hissed, wary of MTV employees lingering in the hallway.

“Yeah!” Will interjected,
“What the fuck!?”
He threw himself onto the couch, sitting on Lily’s clothes in the process.
He pressed a hand over his eyes,
“This is going to be a disaster.” he groaned.

Five minutes earlier, the MTV video jockey had told a very excited crowd that Saint Lily would be playing their new single.
Live.
Matt hadn’t bothered to tell anyone in the band.

Lily’s stomach had dropped.
Will let out a nervous laugh, drowned out by the cries of the crowd.
Adam’s eyes widened.
And Ryan had stood there, hands in his pockets, wondering if he would be allowed back in the band after today.

Adam took a deep breath, arms crossed as he spoke,
“We haven’t done a live show since Warped Tour last year.” he stated, staring out the window at the busy New York streets,
“You should’ve told us...at least yesterday.”

“Yeah!” Will agreed once more, pulling his face from the couch cushions.

“I don’t even know if I know my bass lines.” Ryan added sheepishly, still unsure of his place in the band.

“Yeah well,” Will snapped, “I’m sure we can find someone who can play bass in here. Maybe that 18 year old intern...that homeless guy down the street...”

“Will!” Lily snapped, arms crossed tightly.
The last thing she needed was for Will to start a fight.
She was nervous enough about the thought of playing live.
But it was inevitable.
They had announced it on live television.
To millons of people.

There was no way out of it.

Will sighed,
“I hate you, Matt.” he stated matter of factly, staring at their manager with narrowed eyes,
“I feel like I have diarrhea now.”

The room fell silent.
Lily felt like she could burst into tears at the absurdity of the situation.
What if her voice cracked?
What if one of the boys forgot their riffs?
What if SHE fucked up?

Adam broke the silence,
“I know my part.” he said, a tone of assurance in his voice,
“And I know Lily does.”

“Will does.” Will added,
“Will played it 100 times in the studio.” he mumbled, hand on his stomach.

“I uh...” Ryan began, hands in pockets,
“I know mine...” he trailed off, “I know I do.”

“Well,” Lily murmured, staring at the floor,
“We kind of HAVE to know.”

Just as she finished her sentence an intern appeared in the doorway, ready to escort them to the stage once more.
Will gripped his knees, staring at the floor.
Adam put his arms to his sides, took a deep breath, and with a face of stone walked out the door.
Will leapt to his feet, cracking his knuckles as he breezed out the door.
Ryan followed timidly.

Lily began to leave, but stopped in the doorway momentarily.
She turned to her manager, looking up at him with tired eyes,
“You know...” she began softly,
“I know...” she cut off, brushing her hair out of her face,
“I know you did this on purpose.”

Matt laughed, finishing up a text,
“That’s crazy, Lily.” he smirked,
“I would never do that.” he said, staring up at her while sliding his phone into his pocket.

“Yeah you would.” Lily replied, fingertips on the door frame,
“Because you know I never would’ve done it.”

Matt grinned, eyes scanning Lily’s face,
“Well.” he said softly,
“Good luck.”

Lily smiled softly, hearing the high-pitched screams of the crowd in the distance.

And she turned around and walked away.

She could see Will disappear a few feet in front of her, the crowd crying out at his entrance.

Everything became a blur around her.
A swirl of red and blue.
Figures melted into the sidelines....until there was only a light at the end of the hallway.

She could hear her heart in her ears, beating steadily.
And as she stepped into the view of the cameras, she smiled.
She stood up straight.
And as if time had jumped forward, she was on the stage, microphone in hand.
Will was holding someone else’s guitar.
Ryan was staring off into the distance, his eyes glazed over.
Then, her eyes met Adam’s, so strong and sure of himself.
He gave her a nod.
A nod as if to tell her,
everything
was going to be ok.
Her eyes wandered over all of them once more, microphone clutched beneath her fingertips.
The cold, familiar metal sending a wash of memories over her body, down to her trembling knees.
“I love you guys.” she said beneath the crowd’s high pitched shrieks.
Beneath the VJ’s introduction.

And then she turned away,
and faced the crowd.

Adam stared to pound the drums.
Will started to play his intro.
And Ryan plucked away at his bass.

And Lily opened her mouth
her band behind her for the first time in months...
and
sang.

As the chorus began, the crowd exploded.
A girl in a Hot-Topic Will t-shirt began to cry.

And before they knew it, Lily was singing the last line,

”I think it’s time to let it die....
GOODBYE memories GOODbye....
Lily finished with a small smile, her eyes dancing.
Everything was so surreal.
The crowd screamed, applauded, the cameras circled around them..
She could see her face across the street...on a huge, bright screen...
It felt like she was floating.......

“FUCK YES!” Will cried as they entered Lily’s dressing room, shutting the door behind them.
He grabbed Lily, pulling her to him aggressively.
“I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU, YOU BITCH!” he exclaimed, squeezing her tightly,
“You KILLED it!”
Will mimicked holding a microphone, leaning back as he screamed softly before punching the air repeatedly.

Adam laughed quietly, putting an arm around Lily,
“For once, I agree with Will.” he smirked.
“We all killed it.” He added as Will threw his body onto the couch.

“Nice solo, Hunter.” Ryan said weakly, nodding.

Lily frowned,
“Yeah, Will.” she agreed, feeling fretful about Ryan’s presence,
“You did really good.”

Will sighed, eyes closed, elated smile,
“That’s because I’m the best.”

Lily laughed, catching her reflection in the mirror.

Her heart twisted.

She looked
so young.
Eyes sparkling.
So
ALIVE.

This was what she needed to LIVE.
Matt knew it.
He had known it all along.

She felt like she was 23 again.
Like she had just gotten the call from Warner Bros.
....Like she had just played in front of a thousand kids for the first time.

And for some reason...that made her want to cry.

She brought her hand to her mouth, eyes trembling in a sea of possible tears.

Everyone fell silent for a moment, staring at Lily’s eyes.

She stared off into the distance silently, trying to keep from falling apart.

“I...” she began, “I missed this....” she paused,
“I really did.”

“Yeah.” Will whispered, standing up,
“I did too.”

A tear crawled down Lily’s face,
“I missed you guys, and the MUSIC, and my fans...” she broke off as Will pulled her to him.

Adam rested his hand on Lily’s shoulder,
“We all feel the same way.” he assured her.

“It’s like...” Will paused, thinking of the words to say,
“Coming home again.”

Lily smiled, looking up at him,
“Yeah...” she agreed with a grin,
“You’re right.”

“Yeah.” Ryan said quietly, standing awkwardly beside them.

Will stared at him momentarily, as if he was pondering something.
With a blank face, he extended his arm.

Ryan looked at him, vulnerability in his eyes, and stepped forward gingerly, only to have Will pull him forward, pressing him against he and Lily.

“The best band in the world.” Will mumbled, staring up at the ceiling.

They were interrupted by a knock at the door.

“That fuckin’ Matt.” Will whispered.

But...as the door opened...they realized it WASN’T Matt.

It was Gerard, standing there looking rather flustered.

Will pulled away, a large grin on his face,
“Such impecible timing, Gerard.” he mused,
“You always seem to pop up at the strangest times....and random places.”
“Nice hair.” he added.

Lily ran her hands through her hair nervously.
She had forgotten about Gerard.
Should that be considered a miracle?

“Wait a second...” Will trailed off, only to have Adam grab his arm and pull him towards the door,
“Is this the day where you stop being a prick and ask Lily out...or...?” he asked hypothetically as he was pulled through the doorway.

Lily closed her eyes as Ryan shut the door behind him.

She shook her head,
“I’m....” she paused, “I’m sorry.” she said with a laugh, shaking her head apologetically.

Gerard smirked,
“Naw....” he murmured,
“He has a point.”

Lily nodded slowly, head still spinning with all that had happened.

“Well uh...” She said, grabbing her purse and rummaging through it,
“Here’s the extra set.” she said, extending him a plain silver key, a State of Georgia keychain attached to it.

Gerard took the keys slowly, staring at Lily...a small, wistful smile on his face,
“So business like.” he commented, slightly shocked....but trying not to show it.

Lily noticed there was something in his eyes that was different.
Something in the way he breathed...sighed.
Something in the way his mouth turned down in the slightest of frowns.
How his voice was lower....

“Yeah well...” Lily trailed off,
“What else is there to say, right?”

Gerard’s eyes widened,
“Wow, OK.” he blurted, surprised at Lily’s blunt statement.
He crossed his arms rather aggressively.

Lily knew what was different.
In his eyes...there was pain.

She sighed,
“You know I didn’t mean it that way.” she mumbled, crossing her arms in turn.

“Apology accepted.” Gerard muttered, staring at the key in his hand.

“And you’re welcome.” Lily added, pointing at the silver in his hand,
“For letting you stay at my house.” a hint of sassiness tainted her voice.

Gerard smirked,
“Oh yes..thank you.” he said, eyes narrowed.
He stared at her momentarily, almost as if he were holding a thought between his lips,

“And thanks for fucking Bert.”







It was as if all the world had been sucked away, leaving them in a room of white.

Lily stared at him, a fire burning behind her eyes...burning her tongue.
Burning every pleasant memory she had of him..and vengefully.

She stared into his cold, hazel eyes....chilling...yet scalding.

“Last time I checked...” Lily began quietly, stiffly,
“I can make my own choices.”
“I can fuck whoever I want.”
She paused, tongue running over the roof of her mouth,
“Just like you can fuck every wannabe-scene hairstylist that comes knocking on your tourbus, looking to leech off your fame.”
Her eyes narrowed, foot tapping the floor softly.

Gerard took the verbal daggers out of his chest, eyes still locked with hers.

He nodded slowly,
“Alright then.” he said, clutching the keys in his hand.

Lily nodded,
“Alright.” she mimicked coldly.

“Just...uh..” Gerard trailed off,
“Just make sure to get tested, babe.” he said, kissing her on the cheek.
He turned as if to leave.

“Wait wait wait.” Lily blurted, an amused look on her face.

Gerard paused, turning to face her.

Lily smiled, hand to her chin,
“You’re...mad at ME...because I slept with someone...who...ISN’T you.”
She stared at him,
“That’s what I’m getting here.”

Gerard stared at her and shrugged.

“Pretty much.” Lily concluded,
“Yet...I never got mad at you for......” she smiled,
“I don’t know....never calling me. Like that one time you had sex with me and told me you loved me....and you didn’t call me for like...” she laughed,
“A month...” she sighed, shaking her head.
She look genuinely amused.
“You are...” she sighed,
“Such..an idiot.”

Gerard exhaled stiffly,
“Thanks, Lil.”
He could not
and would never
win this one.

She smiled,
“Mmhmm.”
Her foot tapped the floor.

He stared at the keys in his hand,
“But...you’re still letting me stay at your house.” he smirked, looking up at her,
“What does that say about you?”

“That I’m a fucking saint.” Lily ventured.

Gerard laughed,
“No.”
“That you love me anyway.”
He said, staring at her with softened eyes.

Her heart froze.
Her body stood still.

She had no idea what to say.

“And I love you....” he said,
“Still.”

Lily stood there in silence, arms crossed.
She could NOT look at him.

“But hey,” Gerard smiled, speaking gently,
“Fuck who you want to.”

Lily breathed through her nose heavily.

“I’ll....” he began, voice almost apologetic,
“I’ll call you.” he said.
It almost sounded like a question.
As if he was asking for her permission.

Lily smirked, raising her eyebrows,
“Sure.”
She replied stiffly.

Gerard paused, staring at her with a small frown,
“I...” he began,
“I get it, Lil.”

Lily only stared at the floor.
She would NOT let Gerard get a reaction out of her.
He had played her like a puppet for so long, there was NO way she would let herself jump at his beck and call....at every hollow promise he made.

She looked up as he took a step forward, and reached out his hand.
She stared at his fingers as they wrapped around her shoulder.
She somehow had made herself numb, pouring cold, icy water over the flames igniting in her heart at the slightest touch.
There was something, deep inside of her, that made her want to kiss him.
Grab him.
Surrender to him.

But she knew...
She couldn’t.
She couldn’t be the mouse in this game of emotions....

He lowered his face to hers, looking into her eyes, as if he were looking for any sign of empathy...

“I’m not asking you to wait for me...” he said quietly,
“And it was stupid of me to think you would...” he broke off, staring momentarily at her lips,
“But...”

Lily’s heart began to flutter...her stomach began to twist.
He was so close...
His lips...were inches from hers...

“But at least...” he continued, hand to her cheek,
“give me a chance.”

Lily closed her eyes, trying hard to fight the emotions surging through her veins.
Trying hard to beat down the 23 year old girl who was head over heels for this rockstar...

“I’ve given you plenty of chances.” she murmured, opening up her eyes slowly.
She placed her hand on top of his, and gently pried it from her cheek.

Gerard intertwined his fingers with hers

“I’m asking you..” he began, running his own fingers over hers,
“For another one.” he said softly, staring into her eyes.

Lily frowned.
Her eyes began to tremble.

Not again.

Not again.

She wanted to hit him.
Scream at him.

Why
was he doing this to her?

“I can’t.” she replied softly, shaking her head.

Gerard only gripped her hand tighter.

“Please.” he whispered,
“Just one more time.”

Lily stared at his fingers.
At the nails bitten down by anxiety.
She looked at his face.
His short, white hair...his hazel eyes....

“Fine.” she whispered,
“Fine.”

Gerard took in a breath of relief, and leaned towards her.

“NO.” Lily said stiffly, tearing her hand from his, taking a step back.
“I....” she began, only to break off,
“I can’t let you touch me....”
“I won’t let this be the same....” she said,
“I won’t let this be like it was.”

Gerard frowned for a second, before replacing it with a smile....a smile that was fake...forced,
“Ok...” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets.
He hadn’t expected that....
“I’ll call you.” he repeated.
He hesitated for a moment before putting his hand on the doorknob,
“See you later, Lil.” he said, looking back at her.

“Yeah.” Lily mumbled,
“See you.”

And Gerard gave her one last longing glance before disappearing behind the door.

And Lily stared out the window...at the New York streets.
At a taxi waiting outside.

She would NOT let it be the same.
She couldn’t.
She had come too far.