FicWad

“Hey Lily.” Matt said as the roadies loaded the bus,
“Did you remember to bring those throat lozenges?”

Lily paused, one foot on the steps of the tourbus,
“Uh..” she thought aloud,
“Yeah.”

“Good.” Matt replied, pushing a button on his BlackBerry,
“Just checking.”

Lily smirked as she took the steps, stepping onto the freshly cleaned, newly vacuumed bus.

Will was already sitting on the couch, a box of cereal in his hand.

He gave her a grin as he pushed a handful of Fruit Loops into his mouth.

It was as if he had never left.

Lily shook her head and made her way back to her bunk.
Yearning for the familiarity of it all.
The comfort.

She was pleased to see her old bedsheets , washed and placed on the small mattress.
She crawled into the bottom bunk and laid down, staring up at the ceiling.
She almost expected to see the same posters and photographs taped to the ceiling.
But...they weren’t there.
She would ask Matt about it later.

There was one thing she needed to do...
for herself
before they left to promote their new album.

She took out her phone as Ryan stepped onto the bus, a messenger bag strapped across his chest.
She noted that Will made no passive aggressive actions.


As she unlocked the screen, Adam breezed past her, X-Box in hand, wires dangling from his fingertips.
No matter what happened, she always knew that she would have herself, and her band.
No matter what happened, she would always have the support of her friends, family, and fans.

After giving herself this inner pep-talk, she looked at the screen.

Her breath caught in her chest.

One Missed Call:

Gerard.

A smirk spread across her face as she raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

Wow.
He really had meant it.

She shrugged her shoulders as she realized he had left her a voice-mail.
Surely he was settled in by now.
She would at least call him back to see how the house was.
To check in.
But only when she felt like it.

Her thoughts were interrupted as the bus started up, engine vibrating beneath the carpeted floor.

She heard Will yelling triumphantly down the hallway.
She heard Adam struggling to hook up the X-Box.

And she smiled.

She was finally coming home.
-------------------------------

“Hey!” Will smiled forcefully, camera focused on him,
“This is Will from Saint Lily, and I’m asking YOU guys to vote for our new video ‘Memories’.”
He kept on smiling until the camera turned off,
“Was...that ok?” he asked, turning to Lily, skeptical look on his face.

“Uh...” she said, “Yeah.” she shrugged, turning back to her magazine.

“Alright,” the camera man sighed, viewing Will’s playback on a tiny screen,
“I think that’s it.”

Will stared out the window of the moving bus, letting out a loud yawn,
“Thank God.”

Mtv had sent a camera man to film promotional pieces to be played on the air.
They had already done a segment of life on tour, following them all through the bus, backstage, and to various restaurants.

Frankly, they were all glad to see him go, but excited to see the results on tv.

For the past couple of weeks, every time Will heard their single on the radio he would announce it...loudly.
They had all been watching MTV, seeing their video climb the ranks to the number 2 spot, underneath some tacky rap artist with a grill.

They had been doing countless interviews and photo opps, playing almost every radio-station sponsored festival for the past two months.

And finally...the release date was coming.

They were to play a record release show in L.A the following week, and everyone was very excited...if not nervous.
Everything was falling into place.
Kids were wearing their Hot Topic merch at shows.
Old fans and new fans alike showed their unwavering support.
She was slightly surprised to see the excitement on their faces as she stepped off of the tourbus and into the group of fans.
They still liked her.
She was still important to them.
They looked up to her.
And it was the most exhilarating feeling in the world.
She was even surprised to see tattoos dedicated to the band, along with a few of her autograph.
Needless to say, Will was jealous.

And in personal matters, Lily was relieved to see droplets of blood on her underwear.

Days earlier, she and Will stood outside a truck stop in the mid-west.
The sun was setting in the distance, setting shadows on the parched ground and cracked cement.
The drivers, roadies, techies, along with Matt and the rest of the band were eating cheap hamburgers and frozen french fries inside the yellow-lit diner.
Will and Lily had bowed out after scarfing down a greasy pile of onion rings minutes earlier.

William Hunter lit a cigarette in the setting sun, and took a deep drag.
Lily frowned, backing away from the cloud of smoke.
She stared at the familiar, orange glow of the ashes...and remembered one night in particular...a year or two ago.
Standing out in front of a restaurant, staring up at the sky....Bert standing there in his shorts and sneakers, a bit scruffy...
His large blue eyes were fixed on the pavement....a cigarette between his fingers.
And there was a ring around the moon....

Lily stared up at the sky, half expecting to see the same thing.
Half wishing she could re-live that moment again.
But, the moon was only a crescent that night...and there was no ring.
There were barely any stars, drowned out by the setting sun.

She pulled out her phone and dialed a familiar number, watching Will tap his feet as the phone began to ring.
And as that familiar voice said hello....she felt something she hadn’t felt in so long.
A small fire...starting in her stomach, and spreading to her chest.
It was a comfortable glow.
Not scorching or unpleasant.
But like a warm blanket.
Like a soft, cool breeze.....

Bert told her he was fine.
Making some new music.
Doing shows here and there.
He told her he missed her.

Lily smiled, turning away from a curious Will, who flicked the ash off of his cigarette with a grin.
“I miss you too.” she said quietly, turning her head slightly to see if Will was watching her.
“We need to have a get together....just you,me...a bag of cheetos and a bottle of Jack, just like we used to.”

Bert had laughed,
“How about some UNO?”

A warmth flooded over her,
“Yeah...” she murmured, smile on her face,
“That’d be great.”

What she didn’t know was Bert was grinning sheepishly on the other line.
Twisting a small piece of paper in his hands.
She didn’t know he had told Alyson he needed some time apart.
That he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with her anymore.

But Lily did know...talking to Bert...was like coming home.
-------------------------

A day before the record release, after taking pictures and signing various and assorted objects, Lily collapsed onto the leather couch aboard the bus.
The lights of L.A beckoned.
She could see them in her mind.
Would she be singing on the same old stage?
The one she sang on years ago...to a small, curious crowd.

And while she was there...she would pay Gerard a surprise visit.
Check up on the house.

He would be gone in a little bit, seeing as his album was to be released in October, and there were promotions to be done.

It was nearing the end of July.

She had been texting him casually, much to his surprise.
It worried Gerard that she wasn’t calling him.

And strangely, Lily had been off her medication for weeks.
She had been so happy, she had simply forgotten to take the cocktail of pills.
And surprisingly, she was functioning just fine.
She was even playing Halo with the boys.
Ville Valo had even called her to congratulate her on her new album.
Apparently he had managed to snag a copy before the release.
“Bloody brilliant, Darling.” he had crooned, in the most alluring, deepest of voices.
Apparently he had accepted the fact that they weren’t dating.

And everytime she saw a Saint Lily t-shirt, she smiled.
And Adam was surprised to see girls sporting HIS t-shirt as well.
Reprise had begun to manufacture boy sizes as well, especially in Lily’s model, due to high demand.
It was always flattering to see boys wearing her shirt, especially those with shaved heads and piercings.
But Will was numb to the whole sensation, seeing as girls had been sporting home-made
‘Mrs. Will Hunter’ t-shirts for years now.

And Lily drifted off, smiling softly with thoughts of the future, the bus driving on through Los Angeles traffic, the boys playing on the X-box.

And for the first time in a long time, all seemed right in the world.
Or in Lily’s world, at least.


--------------------------------


“Check a leck leck. Check a checka”
Will spoke into a microphone, voice bouncing off the hundreds of empty seats in the large arena.

A large roadie with a shaved head gave him a thumbs up from a rectangular podium at the edge of the railing, signifying the sound was at par.

Lily stood backstage, a myriad of makeup artists and hairstylists buzzing around her.
A large rack of clothes stood at the edge of the room, a few smartly dressed people looking through them.

She sat there in silence as brushes swept across her face, as her hair was brushed, tugged, pulled, curled, and sprayed.
She thought about all that was riding on tonight’s performance.
Tonight... meant so much.

And after she was sprayed with glitter and checked for flaws, she wandered backstage.
She peered around the curtain, watching the seats fill up, watching the kids sit down on the cement floor.
She spotted a Will t-shirt....
giddy, innocent teenage-girls sitting cross legged on the cold, cement floor of the pit.
Some had scrawled words across their arms and faces in permanent black ink...


And then, without a word, she walked into her dressing room and shut the door behind her, taking a seat in front of the illuminated mirror.
She silently looked at her reflection....
At her perfect makeup.
At her perfect hair.
At her skin-tight silver dress.
At her high heels.

She looked
like a barbie.

She thought of those girls...

And then
Lily did something she had never done before.

She brought her fingers to her perfectly done up eyes, pressed her finger tips around her fake eyelashes.....
and began to peel them off
She flicked them onto the dressing room floor carelessly.


With a blank expression, she stared at her hair, running her fingers through the soft curls.
She blinked slowly, almost as if she were thinking of something horrible, yet amazing at the same time.

Lily grabbed onto a piece of perfectly curled hair... stared at her reflection one last time.... and pulled.
She stared at the long, curled piece of plastic hair in her hand and laid it down on the counter....

And with a blank expression, her eyes turned to her own reflection, pausing momentarily before putting her fingers to her hair, and plucking away every remaining extension, leaving them in a pile on the counter.

She rubbed the lipstick off with the back of her hand, her lips slightly swollen from the friction, applying cherry chapstick in it’s place.

She took out a tube of drug-store mascara, and applied it to her imperfect lashes.

She stared at her feet.
Her toes cramped inside the small space.
She glanced at her backpack and exhaled through her nose.
Before she knew it, she was lacing up a pair of sneakers.
Exchanging them for the stilettos.

She took one last look at herself, and smiled.

This was who she was.
And those girls needed to see it.
She wasn’t perfect.
She didn’t want them to see the result of 3 hours of hair and makeup
and to think it was normal.
That was the last thing any insecure teenage girl needed to see.
To compare themselves to something plastic.

It wasn’t real.
Even parts of her hair were fake.
And she knew what it was like to compare herself to something made up.
To an image.

And she had sworn to herself she wouldn’t let it get this far.....she wouldn’t let them make her into a product to sell.
A Barbie to sell records.
And she had kept her promise.
She owed it to herself.
But mostly, she owed it to those girls...with the sharpie on their arms and faces.
She owed it to them to be herself, short eyelashes and all.



Lily smiled.
For the first time in a long time...she felt like she had done something right.

Then
it hit her.

The anxiety.

Followed by a twisting, churning feeling in her insides.
Her hand went to her stomach as she keeled over, eyes tightly shut.

Not now.
Not now.

She needed to perform.
She needed to blow them away.

She felt like she should call someone...

Then, the door opened.

Lily gasped, looking up to see Will and Adam at her doorway.

Will, groomed and dressed, looked at her with wide eyes,

“Are you ok?” he asked as Adam rushed to her side.

Lily straightened up, tilting her head back,
“Yeah..” she breathed,
“I’m just really nervous...” she managed, breathing slowly.

A ripple of pain went through her stomach, causing her to grip the counter.

“Fuck.” she whispered.

“Is it worse than it used to be?” Will asked warily, staring at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“Uh huh.” Lily managed through gritted teeth.

Back when they first started touring, Lily would get so nervous she would make herself sick.
And Will always seemed to get stuck holding her hair.
So, for a while, the solution was to get drunk.

And it hadn’t happened in years.
This anxiety.
But they hadn’t played a show like this in almost a year.

It was sold out.
It was being taped.

She was selling their new CD, essentially.

Everything was riding on her.
And she was losing it.

“Oh fuck.” Will grimaced, “Get Matt.”
He had a bad feeling he would be rubbing her back and holding her hair...very soon.

Adam frowned, pulling away from Lily and disappearing down the hallway.

He returned with Matt a moment later, his usual BlackBerry replaced with a Red-Bull and a package of pills.
Will had to give it to him; he was always prepared.

“Ok rockstar,” Matt said calmly, kneeling down next to Lily,
“I want you to take this.” he said soothingly, opening his palm to reveal a small, white pill.

Lily opened her eyes, squinting at the white object, barely a blur,
“What is it?” she asked as he extended the chilled energy drink, condensation gathering.

“It’s for sea sickness.” he explained, “It’ll help.”

Lily looked at him skeptically for a moment as he cracked open the slender can.

“Where do you get this shit?” Will asked quietly as Lily took the pill between her fingertips.

“I’ve been keeping some stocked ever since Lily had her little puke-a-thon in Cincinnati in ‘03.” Matt explained under his breath,
“It’s an industry secret.”

With trembling fingertips, Lily popped the pill into her mouth, washing it down with a cold stream of liquid energy.

“There’s a girl.” Matt sighed, putting a hand on her arm, “Drink as much of that as you can.” he said, giving her arm a squeeze.

“Thanks Matt.” she murmured, rubbing her forehead, eyes closed,
“So typical.” she sighed, a bit ashamed of herself.

“Yeah thanks.” Will sighed, eyes tinted with concern.

“No problem.” Matt grinned,
“Nervous dollface?” He asked, standing up, brushing off his designer jeans.

Lily nodded slowly,
“I wish I was drunk.” she mumbled, staring at the can of Red Bull with a frown.

“Oh please.” Matt sighed, “Not tonight.”

“You’ll do fine.” Adam assured her,
“You always do.”

Ryan walked through the door at that very moment,
“Lily’s nervous?” he ventured.

Will shot him a look of impatience, causing Ryan to become silent.

Matt sighed,
“You’re going to do great tonight. You always do great.” he added.

Lily shook her head,
“Thanks guys....” she murmured.

She took a deep breath and sat up straight,
“I think I feel better.” she said carefully, not sure if her words were the truth.
She could still taste the energy drink in her mouth.

Matt stared at the stilettos on the floor,
“Good thing you ditched heels.” he said with a smirk.

Lily laughed.

Matt looked at his watch,
“It’s time to get out there.” he said, standing up,
“I’ll be outside.” he gestured, walking towards the door.

As he opened the door, a wave of sound burst into the room.
The audience had began to chant, and you could hear it through the walls.
It sent shivers up Lily’s spine.

Will’s mouth dropped open in an awe-induced grin,
“Shit...” he whispered, eyes shimmering with excitement.

Lily took a breath, running her fingers through her hair,
“We...I can do this.” she whispered.

“It’s not like we haven’t done this before.” Will said with a smile, arms crossed.

Lily smiled in realization,
“You’re right.” she grinned,
“We HAVE done this before.”

Adam laughed,
“We’re going to be fine.”

“Yeah.” Will agreed,
“After all, Lil...” he paused, putting his hand on her head,
“We live for this shit, you know?”
He closed his eyes, listening to the crowd,
“It keeps us alive.”
He smiled,
“Listen to those people!” he exclaimed, opening the door.

The sound filled the room, powerful and moving.

Lily smiled,
“Yeah..” she murmured, a smile spreading across her face,
“It’s something else.”

She closed her eyes, fingers gripping the half empty can of Red Bull.
She let their voices...their enthusiasm..their energy...fill her up.
For the first time in a long time...she truly and genuinely realized...she was wanted.

And with that, she drained the can, and stood up,
“Let’s do this.” she said with a smile.
------------------------------------
The stage was concealed behind a sheer, black screen; visible to the audience, but still a mystery.

Adam walked out first, into the darkness, causing a high pitched, collective squeal from the audience.
Ryan followed.
Will walked on stage, causing an uproar, from boys and girls alike.


Lily stood backstage, breathing slowly.
Her heart was beating rapidly, pressing against her ribs with every pump of blood, of adrenaline.
And then
the crowd began to chant.

/LI-LY, LI-LY, LI-LY/.
Their words were like electricity, flowing through her veins, tingling at her fingertips, down to her toes.
And as her hands began to tremble, and her legs began to shake...she took one last breath
and stepped out onto the stage.

At the sight of her blonde hair, high pitched squeals, screams, and cries all combined into one huge, collective high-pitched roar.
It was as if they had been craving this moment for so long...like they were DYING for it, pressed so tightly against one another on the floor, standing in their seats to get a view of the dim, dark stage.
You could feel the excitement, the anxiety, so thick in the arena air.

Adam began to tap his drums.
Will began to play his guitar, delivering the intro as Ryan played the supporting notes on bass.

And then, as Lily laughed, hand to her mouth as the screaming persisted, the screen fell to the floor, and the lights switched on the stage.

And the crowd exploded.

And the crowd screamed.
And the crowd cried.
And they called out her name.

Will played his intro.


And Lily smiled to keep from crying.


And Lily McKay
the daughter of a carpenter
the ex-ballerina
ex-drug addict
stood on stage just like she had for the first time so many years ago;
Nervous
a little scared
in sneakers

and alive.