FicWad

Everything was still that night.
It was as if God had pressed the mute button at exactly 1:33 that morning.


The soft hiss of sprinklers faded into the warm summer air, puddles forming on the dark sidewalk...perfectly manicured green lawns covered in a thin layer of gleaming dew-drops.

There were no dogs barking.

No loud laughter from cocktail parties.

Nothing but the sound of sprinklers
and the occasional cricket.

The tour bus rolled quietly through the empty streets, engine emitting a soft purr.

Inside it, Will lay across the couch, humming to himself, a doll in his hand.
Upon further inspection, one could notice it was made in his likeliness....hand stitched with a pile of pale yellow yarn atop its cotton head.

Will had a small, distant grin on his face....like that of a very satisfied, fat house-cat.

Lily sat across from him, staring up at the mirrored ceiling of the tourbus.
Her ears were ringing slightly.

She smiled a small smile, arm rolling off the edge of the couch as she exhaled a much needed breath....

Small flecks of blank ink decorated the tips of her fingers, remnants from a slick, silver sharpie that had glided across t-shirts, posters, and photographs.

The night played over in her mind,
in a rush of anxious voices and camera flashes....braces, neon hair and melted eye-liner.

The blinding spotlight.
The rush of adrenaline as the fireworks went off beside her in a ear splitting crack,
showering the stage in golden sparks.

And....then...there was the strange, unexplainable comfort of hundreds of teenagers...

The bus slowed to a crawl, causing Will to sit up and look out the tinted windows.

He gave a sigh, staring down at the doll in his hand as the bus stopped completely.

He took one last glance out the window... at the white house with the wildflowers planted in the front yard...and exhaled.

He didn’t say anything...no sarcastic remark or disapproving glance...
He only gave her a small smile, almost as if he finally got it.


Lily stood up, running a hand through her hair,
“I’ll be back in a couple minutes...” she said,
though she was horribly unsure.

Did she even WANT to see him?
Did she even want to do this?

Down that walkway...and behind that door...
was her future.

How Gerard acted would finalize everything.

It would close the door on the past.
Force Lily to say goodbye to her memories..
memories she clung to like a childhood blanket.

Or it would bathe everything in a bright, white light,
melt away all the shadows...all the doubts she had about

But despite all the possibilities behind that door,
Lily was sure of one thing;
it was time to move on.

It was time to walk away from her childhood...
from the beginning of her career.
But mostly...it was time for her to walk away from past romances.

She held her keys in her hand as she stepped onto the sidewalk, gripping the metal tightly.

A cricket chirped quietly.

The sprinklers hissed softly.

A light was on in the house...

Her stomach twisted.

She took a deep breath, exhaling through her nose.

Should she knock first?

It WAS her house, after all....

Her palms began to sweat as she pressed the key into the lock, turning her wrist gently to the left....a metallic click following.

She pushed the door open slowly, almost hesitant.

Lily’s ears perked up at the sound of soft, echoing laughter bouncing off the high, white ceilings.

A rush of anxiety flooded over her
an icy cold chill of uncertainty.

Gerard laughing...Gerard smiling...

But then...

As Lily pressed her toe onto the wooden floor....

She heard another voice...

A voice that sounded familiar...but far off.

Maybe it was the television....an old movie casting stripes of soft, colored light onto the walls...the creme carpet.

But then...she heard it again,
this high pitched
ever so happy laugh
clear as day as she wandered down the hallway.

Scenarios buzzed around her mind like bees...a swarm of yellow jackets hissing, growing larger and larger..brushing against her arms before swallowing her whole.

“Hello?” she asked loudly, heart beating faster, making it’s way into her throat with each frantic pump.

The laughter stopped.
God had pushed the mute button once more.

“Lily?” Gerard replied, voice thick...a tinge of surprise flickering red.

The bees were swarming around her....buzzing so loudly she could barely hear her own thoughts.
And in her mind...a movie was playing in fast forward...voices high pitched...smiles and laughs a blur, all fading to clarity....

And with one bounding, determined step, Lily entered the living room....

The bees stopped.
The film tore...
Lily’s heart began to slow....

Everything became a blur as Gerard rose quickly from his seat on the couch.

And as Gerard stepped very quickly in front of her, words flowing in an incomprehensible, desperate stream, her wide blue eyes became locked on the woman sitting rather smugly in her lavender arm-chair...
-------
“Are you kidding me?”
Will sat in a faded blue chair, his hands flying off the faux wooden arms and onto his forehead upon hearing the news.

Adam swallowed a mouthful of stale coffee,
“That’s what she said.” he said with a frown, staring at the cardboard cup in his hand.

Will stared at the various magazines strewn about the table in front of them.

A few beeps sounded in the distance.

He watched an old woman in a wheelchair being guided down the hallway.

He let out a sigh, glancing at Ryan who was attempting to sleep in his equally uncomfortable chair, knees pulled up to his chest, jacket scrunched into a makeshift pillow.

“Fuck..” he mumbled, staring up into the bright, white lights shining down from the ceiling,
“Hate to say it,” he began, picking up a copy of Women’s Life,
“But I’m really not surprised.” he said with a sigh.

Adam nodded slowly.

“So wait,” Will interjected, throwing the magazine onto the table and leaning forward,
“Tell me what she said again...word for word...”

The beep sounded once more.

-------

“Get her OUT of my house.” Lily breathed, heart beating wildly as she pointed down the hallway.

Her lips were pressed together tightly...perhaps to keep a scream from bursting forward.

“Ok, ok.” Gerard reasoned, his hands running through his hair repeatedly,
“But it’s not what you think, I promise it’s not, I-” he began, hands up in defense.

“Oh its NOT, is it?” Lily mocked, blue eyes wild, like a dark sea during a storm.

Her stomach was burning....

“It’s NOT?” she repeated louder,
“Tell me what it IS, Gerard.”
She pleaded sarcastically, a hint of aggression in her voice...and the faintest tinge of betrayal.
You could see a sadness in her eyes....a slap in the face....


“She was in the area, and she wanted to talk.” Gerard began to explain hastily,
“So I let her come over.”
His tone was an attempt at reason..an attempt to calm.

Lily’s eyes seemed to be laughing...a tortured, slow laugh,
“You LET her come over?” she echoed,
“Into MY house?” she asked, hand to chest.

“W-well,” Gerard stuttered, “Yeah.” he said with a pitiful shrug.
He looked like he was crawling with words, ready to burst forward in justification.
His brain was racking every possible situation...every possible REASON as to why Eliza was sitting in Lily’s living room.

Lily looked down the hallway....insides twisting as she began to speak,
“After everything she’s done to me...SAID about ME, you LET her into MY home?”
Lily asked, hands quivering, eyes darting from the ceiling to the floor, to framed pictures on the wall,
“And to think I trusted you....to think...” she trailed off, suddenly locking her eyes onto his own hazel irises.

She laughed under her breath, shaking her head.
Her eyes looked wet...sparkling in the dim light of the hallway.

And before Gerard could offer an explanation, hands in pockets as he looked up at the skylight, Lily shook her head once more...before heading down the hallway.

“Hey! What are you doing?” Gerard hissed, grabbing for her wrist.


“What you should have done,” Lily began, snatching her arm away,
“a long fuckin’ time ago.” she replied, giving him one last glance before entering the living room.

Eliza sat clutching her purse.
Her hair had been bleached a shocking white, her face painted on heavily.
Her hair was razored across her newly gaunt face.

She was still sitting in Lily’s favorite chair.

She looked up, an amused, perplexed look on her face.

Lily didn’t know if she was really that stupid, or if it was just an act.
Just bravado.

“Apparently you can’t take a hint.” Lily said cooly.
“Fucking leave.” she finished, gesturing to the door.

Eliza smirked, rising,
“Nice house.” she replied, breezing past her.

Lily remembered that day in the tour bus, after the fight.
She remembered the way Eliza had coyly touched up her black eye...how she suddenly wanted nothing to do with her.
And she remembered the way she had looked at her months later, with that stupid, arrogant smirk on her face...Gerard at her side.

She could hear her therapists words in her head, echoing in encouragement,
‘Be assertive’

But then
out of the darkness of her mind
she heard another voice.....

Will’s.

‘Always get the last word’


Lily turned, arms crossed,
“Oh and Eliza,” she began slowly, “Remember that benefit concert?”

Eliza gave her a confused look, eyes squinted into tiny, black dots.
She could almost see the thick, shiny layer of concealer painted on her face.

“What about it?” she replied forcefully.
Her eyes were thickly lined in black.

She had japanese keychains attached to her designer purse.

Gerard shuffled uneasily in the shadows of the hall.

Lily smirked, her eyes seemingly turning to black,
“Do you know where Gerard went, after his set?”
She asked, sweet venom in her voice.

Eliza’s face flushed slightly, eyes focusing on a spot on the wall.
She let out a small sigh, then shook her head.
Her arms were folded across her chest impatiently.

“So..you don’t know?” Lily asked smugly, brushing the hair out of her face.

Eliza forced a small smirk as Lily slowly approached, her body suddenly turning stiff.

Was she going to hit her?
Slap her across the face?

Lily reached for the door knob and pulled it open slowly, smiling curtly
“He was fucking me in my dressing room.” she whispered, eyes wide....a toiling sea, mouth twisted into a wicked, self satisfied smirk.

It was if she was holding back laughter after winning a million dollars.
After figuring the cure to cancer.


Eliza let out a small guffaw.
She shook her head, eyes narrowed slightly.
It was as if she didn’t know what to say...and couldn’t know what to say even if she had weeks, MONTHS to prepare.

Lily smiled,
“Bye.” she said, gesturing out the door before shutting it behind her.


Moments later, she turned her focus to the one man who had broken her heart one too many times.

And he stood there, staring at his feet.

After a moment of silence, of shame, he looked up at her.

“Alright, Gerard.” Lily said quietly, arms crossed over her chest...pressed against her trembling, betrayed heart,
“You had your chance....” she began,
“I was going...to give you a chance...” she trailed off, swallowing hard,
“And you fucking blew it.”

Gerard shook his head,
“I- I told you it wasn’t what it looked like” he began, arms at his sides.
He started to explain that she had been in town.
That she had been calling him non-stop.
That she had just ‘shown up’.
That it was over between them.
That he was trying to tell her he wasn’t interested...but she just WOULDN’T listen.
And he was sorry.


But
Lily ignored him.
She blocked every plea, every stupid explanation.
She had been building a wall for the past year...a wall between the two of them...
and now she was adding the last brick.

“I gave myself to you...SO many times...” Lily continued, voice wavering,
“And you hurt me...everytime.”

“Lily,” Gerard pleaded,
“I’m sorry it looks so bad. But I promise you-“

“Yeah,” Lily interjected, a wry smile on her face,
“I let you live in my house...and you invite your ex girlfriend over.” Lily replied gravely, eyes glazed over,
“What am I supposed to think?”

Her tone was tired....all the betrayal, the hurt, the lies...everything had formed into a dark cloud..and it was choking her from the inside out.

Gerard sighed, taking a step forward,
“I know it looks bad, but I promise you it was nothing.” he reasoned, eyes so soft...so wide...so earnest...

‘You make me feel like I’m falling...’

‘You’re a doll, Lily...a real doll!’


Lily smiled...her eyes about to overflow.
She nodded, staring at her feet.
“You’re right.” she replied, looking up at him
“It was nothing...”
“It IS nothing...”

Gerard furrowed his brow as Lily wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“WE,” Lily said, gesturing with her hand,
“Are nothing.”

Gerard shook his head, sighing.

Lily continued,
“And I can’t believe I was so much of an idiot to think...” she paused, staring up at the ceiling as she swallowed,
“That you had...or COULD have changed.”


“Lily,” Gerard replied, voice so tired,
“I told you how I feel..I’ve told you SO many times...” he paused, staring at her hands...and then at her broken face,
“I...I love you.”

Lily laughed, shaking her head.

Gerard persisted.

“I’ve loved you since the day I met you...up on that stage in those beat up Chuck Taylors...”

Lily shook her head, a tear running down her face.

How dare he say that?

He placed his hands on her shoulders,
“And it took me a while to get to you...to realize that you’re the one I need...”
He paused,
“Lily, I wrote a fuckin’ song about you...” he trailed off...a small smile of hope on his face.


Lily stared at the floor, the ceiling...his shoes..anything but the face in front of her.

She remembered that spiral-bound notebook....the angry words scrawled onto the paper.
She remembered how he had drawn her while she slept...
She remembered his beautiful hazel eyes as they were hit by sunlight...the freckles across his cheeks as he smiled...

And she remembered...after her father had died...how he wasn’t there.
How he never called her.
How the internet was buzzing with pictures of him and Eliza while she took a razor to her wrist.
How he could never make up his mind as she waited on the sidelines, struggling with who she was...with her medication...
all alone.
Lily...alone.

And for a while, she thought that was how she was supposed to be.
Waiting.

But now that she was strong...she realized, she wasn’t.

She met his eyes...causing his face to light up slightly,
“Gerard..” she murmured, placing her hand on his,
“You don’t love me.” she said softly,
“You love yourself.” she said as she peeled his hand off her.

Gerard sighed, rolling his hazel eyes,
“Oh please, Lily.” he breathed.

“NO.” Lily frowned, brow furrowed fiercely,
“IF you LOVED me, GERARD...YOU WOULDN’T CALL ME ONCE A MONTH.” she said, raising her index finger,
“YOU WOULDN’T DATE OTHER WOMEN. YOU WOULDN’T-“ she broke off as she began to cry,

“I was there....”she said softly,
“I waited for you for SO LONG” she broke off, inhaling a jagged breath,
“And you....” she paused momentarily, staring up at him, blue eyes lined with charcoal...cheeks streaked with sadness,
“left me alone.”
“When I needed you the most...you left me...ALONE.” she repeated, voice gathering strength.

“You were too wrapped up in your own little world...with your GROUPIES and your comic books...to even see that I was SCREAMING for someone to help me.”

“No Lily, no. That’s not what happened at all.” Gerard persisted weakly, gingerly taking a step towards her.

“No!” Lily replied, voice thick with tears and emotion,
“What did I do when you had your little prima-donna meltdown at some MANSION in the Hollywood hills?”She asked aloud,
“I fuckin DROPPED EVERYTHING and CAME TO YOU.”she said, jaw trembling with emotion, tears running down her cheeks.

She shook her head bitterly,
“You want me....when it’s convenient. On YOUR time.” she said forcefully, voice strained with emotion.

She took a step away back,
“You love...the IDEA of me.” she began, strength gathering in her broken voice,
“You love the idea of LILY McKay, ROCKSTAR, ex-junkie, so fucked up yet it’s SO FUN to watch...” she paused,
“I’m a trophy to you....a painting that would look...” she broke off, a ironic smile on her face,
“So good on your wall.”

Tears started to fall rapidly,
“YOU DON’T WANT ME...YOU WANT MY IMAGE. YOU WANT ME TO FUCKIN’ COMPLEMENT YOUR JADED FUCKED UP STYLE. SO THAT MAYBE WE CAN BE JADED AND FUCKED UP TOGETHER...LIKE FUCKIN’ BARBIE AND KEN, HUH?”
She threw up her hands,
“FUCKING NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS MEETING HERE, HUH?”

She was shaking now, and he was denying everything out of her mouth.

“You know what, Gerard?” Lily asked, wiping her eyes, hands trembling as she rubbed away the black,
“I USED to love you.”

He rolled his eyes, tongue running over the edges of his small, white teeth.
His foot tapped the hardwood floor.

Lily continued,
“I loved you when you were an alcoholic....” she paused,
“When you wore fake blood and face paint...”she sniffled loudly,
“I guess....”she stopped, looking up at him with sad, black eyes,
“I loved you before I knew you.”


A moment of silence passed.

“Lily...” Gerard murmured into the darkness.

“You have a day to get all your shit out of my house.” she said quietly, her eyes a brilliant blue from so many tears.

And he stood there as she walked out the door, staring blankly into the darkness.

And as she walked down the walkway, cement damp from the automatic sprinklers, she began to cry.
In moments, large, shaking sobs overtook her.

She was crying because it was over.
The whole love story.
Everything she had ever wanted...since she had locked eyes with him that day in that diner...was dead.
Slaughtered in that hallway.
Everything that could have been...was gone.

And she had held it to her heart, like a small, hurt bird for all these years....
And now...
It was gone.

It was gone with the realization of who she was...and who HE was.
Or....mainly what he wasn’t.

She stumbled up the steps of the tour bus...struggling as she cried...sobs overtaking her.
The door flung open, Will standing there with a perplexed look on his face.

She responded with hysterical sobs.

This was not...how it was supposed to be.
This was not...the ending she had seen so long ago.


“Fucking...” Will began slowly,
“Fucking get us out of here.” he told the driver.

Lily wobbled down the hallway on shaking knees.

Every breath was a struggle.
It was as if the room was thick with smoke, taking choking, heaving breaths as she came to her bed.
Her hands shook as she searched through her purse, black tears running down her already stained face.
Cell phone in trembling hand, she attempted to sort through her phonebook, falling to her knees.

“Lily,” Will mumbled, “What’re you doing?” he asked quietly, hand to his forehead.

“I-“ she began, “I have to call B-bert....” she broke off, breaking into a sob,

“I’m so stupid!” she cried, struggling with the buttons as she took one jagged breath.

Will extended his arm gently, placing his hand in front of hers,
“Not right now.” he whispered.

Lily glanced up at him with a frown before placing the phone into his palm, blinking more tears down her face.

“I’m...I’m so sorry, Will.” she cried, putting her hands over her eyes.
She began to shake gently,
“I’m...s-sorry.” she repeated,
“I know you told me...I..k-know.”
Sobs shook her.

Will placed the phone in his pocket,
“It’s ok, Lily...It’s over now.” he reassured gently,
“You don’t have to do this anymore...it’s over.”
He placed his hand on her head as she cried against his thigh, tears forming little dark spots on his denim jeans.

Adam and Ryan stood down the hallway, X-Box controllers dangling from their hands.
They didn’t have to ask...they knew what had happened.

And then, after all their years of comforting Lily...something happened that had never happened before....



----------------
“Can you tell me again what happened, Mr. Hunter?”

A short, tan woman stood in front of Will, clipboard in hand.
She was wearing pants and a large t-shirt, both with a Scooby-Doo pattern on them.

“I already told you,” he replied impatiently, “She just started throwing up.”

His foot began to twitch.

He thought of the vending machines down the hallway.
They had sandwiches in them.
And M&M’s.

“Thank God, I’ve got her medical records right here.”

Will looked up to see Matt walking to them, a folder in his hand.
He looked out of breath.

The woman, who, according to her name tag, was named Esperanza,
gave a sigh of relief.

“I had to dig through everything, but I found them.” he breathed heavily, handing her the folder,
“No history of allergies or anything...” he paused as Esperanza shuffled through the papers,
“There was the past drug use, but I don’t think that’d affect anything now...right?” he thought aloud, eyebrow raised, glancing at Will.

Will shrugged his shoulders.

The nurse scanned the pages casually, scribbling notes on her clipboard,
“Could just be a flu. A virus or something.” she closed the folder shut,
“You guys come in contact with a lot of people...germs spread really easily.” she sighed, placing the folder on top of the board,
“I’m just going to run these by the doctor.” she explained,
“Please have a seat.” she said with a smile.

Matt exhaled, slumping into a cheaply upholstered chair adjacent to Will.
“Jesus.” he breathed, rubbing his forehead,
“I hope it’s nothing serious.”

Adam sipped from a cardboard cup,
“It’s probably not.” he said casually, picking up a copy of Time magazine.

Will sighed, crossing his legs,
“She’s probably just having a reaction....”
“I’d throw up after seeing that diva too..” he added quietly, eyebrow raised.

Matt furrowed his brow.

Ryan slept.

“What do you mean... ‘that diva’?” Matt echoed, taking his BlackBerry out of his pocket.

“Who do you think I mean?” Will replied brashly,
“Who else drives her ballistic?” he said wryly, staring blankly at a stained spot on the carpet,
“God this place is cheap.” he commented,
“Someone get me some hand sanitizer.”

Matt closed his eyes momentarily,
“You know,” he began, staring up at the ceiling,
“I think I know who you’re talking about...” he paused,
“But I don’t want to even mention his name.” he said dismissively, texting rapidly.

Adam grunted in agreement,
“Anyone want coffee?” he asked,
“I’m going to the fake starbucks down the hallway...” he trailed off, scanning their faces for signs of affirmation.

“Latte, thanks.” Matt sighed, “Biggest size, extra shot.” he added.

Will shook his head.

“You know...” Matt breathed,
“That guy..or I guess ‘man’....has been pulling her around like a DOG for so many years....”

“Well NOT anymore.” Will interjected,
“No way no how.” he added forcefully.
“She is SO done with him.” he mumbled, foot shaking slightly.

Matt frowned, scratching his head,
“Well..” he sighed,
“I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that.” he said with a small smile.

Will laughed softly,
“Me too.”
-------------------------------


“Alright..so...no allergies, I see...” the doctor trailed off, leafing through a series of papers in a purple folder.

Lily shook her head, legs dangling off the examination table.

He frowned, pen to a paper on a clipboard,
“You wrote here that you’ve been experiencing some stomach pain.”
He stared up at her through his thick-lens glasses,
“And you came to us vomiting.”

Lily sighed,
“Yeah well, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.” she explained, staring at her bare legs poking out from under neath the hospital gown,
“I just had a major falling out...” she trailed off,
“And I was really upset and crying, and then...I just...” she paused, gesturing with her hands,
“You know...”

The doctor nodded,
“You vomited.” he finished.

Lily nodded, a bit embarrassed.

“Well.” the doctor sighed,
“Usually I’d write this off as emotional stress... severe stress and anxiety can cause digestive problems, even vomiting sometimes.”

“Look,” Lily interrupted, “I just want some over the counter anti-cold stuff and then I’m out of here.” she explained,
“I’m already on enough medication, and I don’t need anymore.”
She shook her head,
“The guys...they didn’t know what was going on because I started throwing up and they knew I wasn’t drunk, so they started freaking out, but I can assure you” she said, hand extended casually, “I am totally FINE.”
She took a breath, nodding slowly,
“I was just...crying too hard.”

‘In the middle of a gunfight...in the center of a restaurant...’

The doctor, whose name-tag read Roberts, nodded in agreement,
“I understand, Ms. McKay.” he began,
“And like I was explaining, anxiety and stress can lead to all of your symptoms...the stomach pain...the vomiting...” he trailed off, staring at a piece of paper,
“You say here that you’re on birth control.”

Lily nodded slowly.

“When was your last period?” he asked, staring up from the pages and intently into her eyes.

Lily shuffled nervously,
“I’m actually on it right now...” she admitted, staring at the floor.

The doctor furrowed his brow,
“Have you been consistently taking your pills?” he asked, placing his pen onto the counter.

Lily shook her head,
“Yeah, I forgot to take one a couple weeks ago, but I doubled up as soon as I remembered.” she said dismissively,
“And I got my period on time...” she trailed off, words ripped away from Dr. Robert’s gaze.

“And were you sexually active when you missed that pill?” he asked rather matter of factly.

Lily paused,
“Well, yes.” she answered uncomfortably.

‘Just let me know if this is what you want...if...if I’m what you want...’

He nodded slowly,
“And how heavy is your flow?”

Lily’s mind began to spin, but she tried to keep it under control,
“It’s uh...” she stumbled,
“It’s been light....” she admitted.

“Consistently light?” he pried.

“Listen,” Lily began,
“Sometimes I have light periods.” she laughed,
“It’s the hormones.” she explained.

Dr. Roberts shook his head,
“From what you’ve told me...with the pain and the vomiting” he paused, leaning forward,
“It sounds like you may be spotting.”
He stared at the counter, before staring into her eyes,
“Ms. McKay,” he began,
“I think you may be pregnant.”