- I think you should slow the pace down a little bit.
It goes too fast for you to be able to grasp. Maybe add a little more detail on each part.
But as I tis, It kinda goes by like channelsurfing on the television, bits and pieces and no whole picture...
Author's responseHm. By details, do you mean physical descriptions? The sex? Surroundings? Because I mostly do emotional descriptions, and I didn't really want the sex to be too graphic.
- No, not the sex, more like the lapses.
They both know that he won't let Iruka live even if he does tell, and the only reason Iruka doesn't give in to the perverse desire to spill and get it over with is because he is shinobi - and shinobi don't break until they're broken. Friends and honor and trust are all fanciful dreams, and Iruka knows this. The truth lodges bitter-tasting in his throat. But: DON'T BREAK UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN, his jounin instructor barks, and Iruka is thirteen and bleeding all over and exhausted. YOU DON'T BREAK WITHOUT PERMISSION, GOT IT? So he doesn't break. So he doesn't break.
It's a little... choppy, a little quick.
Author's responseI hope this review will make more sense when I'm sober.
- I went back and re-read the story, for the twelfth time. it's starting to make sense to me now. I can see what I was objecting to, but the fast pace is nessecary to show the dreamlike mental case insanity of it all. what I meant was that the jumps between different scenes were too quick to follow through, it moved from Kakashi to OrochimaruasSasuke back to Kakashi etc. really fast. if you skim the story you'll literally die from reading it. I must have been tired and skimming, rather than readin the story the first couple of times.
Also, I wanted to ask a favor of you.
Would you beta the last chapter of Forbidden darkness for me? I'm still thinking about which version I want to use.
Author's responseSure, I'll beta it for you, but it can't be a regular thing. I just don't have the time - I already beta for two people (hpfan23 and Marilena on FFNet) on top of everything else. Anyway, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
- Is she the only reviewer for this story? really?... wow. I've read this before, and I thought I reviewed... guess not.
I totally loved this story. Not very mind-fuckish? It's a better mind-fuck than I could manage, that's for sure. This story is all LSD trip on steroids.
All tools break eventually, and the higher-ups prefer it to be later rather than sooner. The month-year-decade it takes a ninja to soak in the blood of his own fresh, personal tragedy (of course every tragedy is tragic. Even if it's commonplace - because it isn't common knowledge. Iruka does his work so well, and every shinobi with a soul-not-soul falls into the same crude trap. i want them to have innocence. for as long as is possible. HAPPINESS LIKE I BARELY REMEMBER) gives them time. Gives them use and dead targets and money.
And then Not-Sasuke shows up and so works him over like the broken strand of spider silk [already stretched too far, but who notices or cares, not us, not them not anyone because he's still doing his job, right? he's still working and training and cultivating the next batch of innocents to the slaughter/ for the beaurocrats that like their mony and don't care how they get it]] that he is and lets him know just how fucked over he really is. I couldn't figure out whether this was sickness in Iruka's mind or if Sasuke [/Not-Sasuke was really there and just decided to let him live- don't tell me, that's part of the fun- as unlikely as that is. Anyway, I came by to offer a review and to let you know- hey, I have another chapter up, even though it's late cringes don't be mad!
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