Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Twenty-One Letters Ending in T
AN: I nearly cried when I saw all of the amazing reviews waiting for me this morning. Thank you so much, I'm so glad everyone is liking the story!!!
Gerard fought back the despair that was threatening to take him over as he drove through the dark Jersey streets. He tried to think of the last time he’d seen Escher like this, drunk, irrational, mascara in streaks down her face. But those nights were a blur, a blur he had tried to forget of empty beer bottles and dim flashing lights and cocaine dust on a mirror with a razorblade lying innocently next to it. He could never really remember what happened on some of those nights. He remembered there were good ones…and bad. The good nights had been spectacular, they had danced and laughed and hugged, the four of them; Gerard and Bert – the diatribal duo as E had called them due to their propensity to babble when they were high – and Escher and Johnny.
Escher and Johnny had been the celebrated golden couple. He had met Johnny in a club in the city, been introduced to him.
“This is Johnny D man, he’s gonna be famous one day, we all are though aren’t we?” Lance had said with a laugh, another friend who had faded away.
Johnny already was famous though, although Gerard hadn’t known that at the time, he’d never heard of the breakthrough novel “Blank Pages”. Johnny was handsome, no, not handsome, pretty, that’s how Escher had always described him. He had been beautiful and soft spoken but with some spark of life in him that burned brighter than any Gerard had ever seen. The only other one that came close was the spark in Escher.
She had danced over to them that night, that first night, her dyed, bright pink hair flying out behind her in ribbons and a tight purple dress and she had collapsed on her husband’s lap giggling and swiping the remnants of Charlie from her nose.
They reminded him of Gloria and Anthony in Fitzgerald’s “The Beautiful and the Damned”, they were so beautiful together, so in love, so perfect. And Gerard had loved them, as everyone had, he had probably been a little in love with them, both of them. They were all best friends by the time they had moved on to their third club that night.
Escher and Johnny lived well. Escher was still in college but they lived in an amazing penthouse that was always full of their friends and admirers. Gerard had quickly become one of the people in their inner sanctum, going out with them, sleeping on their couch.
The good nights were the ones that would end with Escher curled up on Johnny’s frail chest, her head falling up and down as he breathed steadily in his sleep. The bad ones were the ones that ended in tears and shattering china and accusations. Those were the nights when Johnny would retreat into his ming and Escher would curl up in Gerard’s arms and ask him the dreaded question:
Where does he go Gee? Where does he go when he’s gone?
It had come as a shock to all of them when Escher left Johnny. Even in the bad times she was in love with him. She had been haggard when Gerard had caught up with her.
- Flashback –
Escher cupped her coffee with her tiny, birdlike hands. She looked awful.
“It’s all a fucking lie Gee”
He had been surprised and had run a hand through his long, black hair.
“What do you mean E? You love him”
“Of course I fucking love him” She said sadly, “But it’s a fucking lie the rest of it. ‘Blank Pages’ all of that self-realisation, existential shit. He’s still a fucking junkie, except now it’s not heroin, it’s booze or pills or coke. And I’m just as bad. He’s going down Gee and he’s gonna crash and burn and if I don’t get off he’ll take me with him”
Gerard fought the anger in his throat, so she was leaving him to save herself? How do you do that to somebody you love?
“You think I’m a bitch” She said, her voice undeniably broken.
“I thought you loved him”
“I do love him!” She cried, the few patrons in the Starbucks turning to stare at them, “But I
can’t stop him Gee, and I’m so fucking scared that something’s gonna happen to him. Maybe this, maybe losing me can wake him up, because having me sure hasn’t”
“Esch”
“Gerard, I just can’t do it anymore. I’m broken, don’t you get it? I’m cracking, my grades are…I’m supposed to be graduating soon and I’m sitting in class with sunglasses and a coffee cup full of vodka…I need to sober up. The party’s over Gee”
And losing her had woken him up, to some extent…he had sobered up for a while. But although the party may have been over for Escher, it kept going for Gerard and Johnny, for a while at least. Gee stopped seeing Escher, he told Johnny one night that the Escher he’d known was “dead to him” and had been surprised at the grief in Johnny’s eyes. She had fucked him over too, she had left them all. It wasn’t until Gee had had to make the same decision, to save himself or crash and burn, that he understood what Escher had done.
He had sought her out again and she was the same, but…different. It had taken him a while to see what it was, that the spark, the bonfire behind her eyes, had been extinguished.
Gerard spoke without removing his gaze from the road ahead.
“What the hell happened tonight Escher?”
She sniffed miserably
“I can’t…”
“Was it Frank?”
Escher sighed heavily.
“What happened between you two Escher? Why didn’t you ever tell me you knew him?”
“Because by the time we met Gee, I had spent years trying to forget Frank. I ran away from him, from this” She spat, indicating the passing Jersey scape outside the window.
“I never even knew you were from Jersey until I found out you’d known Frank”
“I fucking hate Jersey” She muttered.
“Were you together?” Gerard asked suddenly.
Escher snorted.
“No, no he had Jamia for that, I was just his go to girl one night”
Gerard’s slender fingers tightened around the steering wheel.
“What do you mean?”
Escher laughed hysterically.
“Do I have to spell it out Gee? S – E – X! We fucked, well, he fucked me”
He glanced out of the corner of his eye at her to see she’d curled into a ball in her seat.
“He never wanted me,” she muttered, “Why would he kiss me now?”
“He kissed you tonight? Is that why you freaked?”
Escher nodded miserably.
“Escher what’s going on?”
Escher hid her face in her hands.
“I’m so fucking stupid Gee, I should never have accepted this job”
“Why?” He asked, trying to keep his voice light, soothing.
“Because I’m in love with him” She whispered simply, her voice calm and steady for the first time.
AN: And she finally admits it!!!
Gerard fought back the despair that was threatening to take him over as he drove through the dark Jersey streets. He tried to think of the last time he’d seen Escher like this, drunk, irrational, mascara in streaks down her face. But those nights were a blur, a blur he had tried to forget of empty beer bottles and dim flashing lights and cocaine dust on a mirror with a razorblade lying innocently next to it. He could never really remember what happened on some of those nights. He remembered there were good ones…and bad. The good nights had been spectacular, they had danced and laughed and hugged, the four of them; Gerard and Bert – the diatribal duo as E had called them due to their propensity to babble when they were high – and Escher and Johnny.
Escher and Johnny had been the celebrated golden couple. He had met Johnny in a club in the city, been introduced to him.
“This is Johnny D man, he’s gonna be famous one day, we all are though aren’t we?” Lance had said with a laugh, another friend who had faded away.
Johnny already was famous though, although Gerard hadn’t known that at the time, he’d never heard of the breakthrough novel “Blank Pages”. Johnny was handsome, no, not handsome, pretty, that’s how Escher had always described him. He had been beautiful and soft spoken but with some spark of life in him that burned brighter than any Gerard had ever seen. The only other one that came close was the spark in Escher.
She had danced over to them that night, that first night, her dyed, bright pink hair flying out behind her in ribbons and a tight purple dress and she had collapsed on her husband’s lap giggling and swiping the remnants of Charlie from her nose.
They reminded him of Gloria and Anthony in Fitzgerald’s “The Beautiful and the Damned”, they were so beautiful together, so in love, so perfect. And Gerard had loved them, as everyone had, he had probably been a little in love with them, both of them. They were all best friends by the time they had moved on to their third club that night.
Escher and Johnny lived well. Escher was still in college but they lived in an amazing penthouse that was always full of their friends and admirers. Gerard had quickly become one of the people in their inner sanctum, going out with them, sleeping on their couch.
The good nights were the ones that would end with Escher curled up on Johnny’s frail chest, her head falling up and down as he breathed steadily in his sleep. The bad ones were the ones that ended in tears and shattering china and accusations. Those were the nights when Johnny would retreat into his ming and Escher would curl up in Gerard’s arms and ask him the dreaded question:
Where does he go Gee? Where does he go when he’s gone?
It had come as a shock to all of them when Escher left Johnny. Even in the bad times she was in love with him. She had been haggard when Gerard had caught up with her.
- Flashback –
Escher cupped her coffee with her tiny, birdlike hands. She looked awful.
“It’s all a fucking lie Gee”
He had been surprised and had run a hand through his long, black hair.
“What do you mean E? You love him”
“Of course I fucking love him” She said sadly, “But it’s a fucking lie the rest of it. ‘Blank Pages’ all of that self-realisation, existential shit. He’s still a fucking junkie, except now it’s not heroin, it’s booze or pills or coke. And I’m just as bad. He’s going down Gee and he’s gonna crash and burn and if I don’t get off he’ll take me with him”
Gerard fought the anger in his throat, so she was leaving him to save herself? How do you do that to somebody you love?
“You think I’m a bitch” She said, her voice undeniably broken.
“I thought you loved him”
“I do love him!” She cried, the few patrons in the Starbucks turning to stare at them, “But I
can’t stop him Gee, and I’m so fucking scared that something’s gonna happen to him. Maybe this, maybe losing me can wake him up, because having me sure hasn’t”
“Esch”
“Gerard, I just can’t do it anymore. I’m broken, don’t you get it? I’m cracking, my grades are…I’m supposed to be graduating soon and I’m sitting in class with sunglasses and a coffee cup full of vodka…I need to sober up. The party’s over Gee”
And losing her had woken him up, to some extent…he had sobered up for a while. But although the party may have been over for Escher, it kept going for Gerard and Johnny, for a while at least. Gee stopped seeing Escher, he told Johnny one night that the Escher he’d known was “dead to him” and had been surprised at the grief in Johnny’s eyes. She had fucked him over too, she had left them all. It wasn’t until Gee had had to make the same decision, to save himself or crash and burn, that he understood what Escher had done.
He had sought her out again and she was the same, but…different. It had taken him a while to see what it was, that the spark, the bonfire behind her eyes, had been extinguished.
Gerard spoke without removing his gaze from the road ahead.
“What the hell happened tonight Escher?”
She sniffed miserably
“I can’t…”
“Was it Frank?”
Escher sighed heavily.
“What happened between you two Escher? Why didn’t you ever tell me you knew him?”
“Because by the time we met Gee, I had spent years trying to forget Frank. I ran away from him, from this” She spat, indicating the passing Jersey scape outside the window.
“I never even knew you were from Jersey until I found out you’d known Frank”
“I fucking hate Jersey” She muttered.
“Were you together?” Gerard asked suddenly.
Escher snorted.
“No, no he had Jamia for that, I was just his go to girl one night”
Gerard’s slender fingers tightened around the steering wheel.
“What do you mean?”
Escher laughed hysterically.
“Do I have to spell it out Gee? S – E – X! We fucked, well, he fucked me”
He glanced out of the corner of his eye at her to see she’d curled into a ball in her seat.
“He never wanted me,” she muttered, “Why would he kiss me now?”
“He kissed you tonight? Is that why you freaked?”
Escher nodded miserably.
“Escher what’s going on?”
Escher hid her face in her hands.
“I’m so fucking stupid Gee, I should never have accepted this job”
“Why?” He asked, trying to keep his voice light, soothing.
“Because I’m in love with him” She whispered simply, her voice calm and steady for the first time.
AN: And she finally admits it!!!
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