FicWad

Time seemed to be flying by. One day it was March first, and then next it was April ninth, Gerard’s eighteenth birthday. I sat in my bedroom, drawing and listening to music by myself. Jimmy and Frank were out on a date and had been since seven the evening before. I rolled over on my back, leaving the sketchbook and pencil beside me and letting Billy Corgan’s lyrics sink into my brain as I rested my hand. My peace was interrupted suddenly by the shrill sound of my telephone and I paused 1979, annoyed.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, Tammy, It’s Chris.”
“Oh, hey Chris, what’s up?”
“Nothing… how are you?”
“I’m great.”
“That’s good… um, have you heard from Gerard today?”
“Um, no, I haven’t. Why?”
“No reason. I just think, maybe you should phone him.”
“Why?” I asked, frowning.
“Just trust me, alright? If he doesn’t answer phone me back.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.”
“Bye…”
He hung up and I stared at the phone for a few seconds before dialing in Gerard’s number. The phone rang three times and I hung up. I tried again, but it was the same. After one last try, I phoned Chris back.
“I was afraid of that.” He told me, “Tammy, I really don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but… I think… I think Gerard had company last night… It was another girl.”
“What?” I practically yelled, “Chris, stop fucking around. That’s not funny.”
“I’m not fucking around! I called him last night around ten to see if he was busy and, I heard a girl in the background. He told me he was busy and he hung up. It was really weird.”
“Why would there be a girl over?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I just think you should go over there. Just to check shit out, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m really sorry, Tammy, I just thought you should know.”
I smiled lightly into the phone.
“Thanks, Chris. I’ll go over there now.”
“Alright. Bye.”
“goodbye.”
I hung up, standing and shut my stereo off furiously before running out the door of my bedroom to get ready to leave.
Ten minutes later the taxi pulled up to Gerard’s house. I paid quickly and stormed up to the door, hoping to God Chris was just mistaken. I knocked and took a step back, trying to calm myself, noticing that his parents weren’t home. A second later, the door opened. Gerard stood on the threshold in his boxers, yawning tiredly and rubbing his eyes. As soon as he noticed me there, he ceased, lowering his arms slowly.
“Tammy, what are you doing here so early?” He asked.
“It’s one in the afternoon.”
“Okay.”
“I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, baby.”
“Oh, well, thanks Hun. I’ll see you later.” He moved to close the door, but I put my foot in the way, the door bouncing lightly off my cheap, camouflage sneaker.
“But, Gerard, I came all the way over here to see you. Won’t you at least let me in?”
“You know, I’d love to Sugar, but, Mom said no one’s aloud over until at least four.”
My eyes narrowed and I held back the beginning formation of tears.
“What are you hiding, Gerard?”
He glanced over his shoulder nervously and I knew Chris was right. I shoved past him roughly into the house.
“Tammy, please don’t go in there.” He begged as I headed towards the living room. I stopped dead in my tracks as I spotted a tuft of blond hair pluming from beneath a fuzzy blanket on the couch. The same blanket we’d cuddled in on Valentines day. I stared at it for a moment, taking it all in before closing my eyes, the tears I had been holding in threatening to burst violently from my eye sockets.
“Sugar, I can explain…”
I opened my eyes again and the tears poured out, hot like acid on my face, burning my skin.
“You knew.”
“Tammy…”
I turned around to face him slowly to find him with a guilty look plastered on his face.
“You knew about everything… everything I’ve gone through and still…”
“…please, babe…”
“You said you weren’t like him, you promised you’d never hurt me and I trusted you. But it was all a lie. Jimmy was so wrong. You are exactly like Derek.”
“I’m sorry.”
“How long have you been with her?” I asked, ignoring his comments. He looked down at his feet.
“Two weeks.”
“Is she the first?”
He nodded.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
He shook his head.
“You don’t want to know.”
“Yes, I do.” I replied through gritted teeth.
“We… we did it because… baby, I’m so sorry.”
“Fucking say it!”
“I needed… I needed to get… laid.” He practically choked out the last word and I stared at him, shocked for a minute.
“Y-y-you needed to get l-laid?” I stuttered out.
“I’m sorry; Tammy, but I just couldn’t ask you. I didn’t want you to feel, obligated, I-”
“So you did this for me?” I yelled, confused.
“No… I can’t even explain it. I’m so sorry.”
“I hate you.” I replied quietly, glaring.
“Please, don’t say that.”
“I hate you,” I repeated, “I wish I’d n-never crossed your disgusting, greasy p-path. You fucking bastard.”
He closed his eyes and I saw tears running down his face.
“Tammy, please don’t go.”
I ignored the plea, storming past him, but stopping at the front door.
“Happy fucking birthday, Gerard. I hope you guys are fucking happy together.”
Walking out, I slammed the door behind me, not bothering to call a taxi. I didn’t give a damn then. Everything was numb. My whole life was crashing down around me for a second time. I wanted to die.
A week later I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling blankly with fresh tears on my face. I hadn’t been to school all week and I probably wasn’t going on Monday, either. I didn’t think I would ever go back there; not after what had happened. Over that week, Gerard had called me every day, twice. I never listened, I just hung up. When Jimmy got home that day I told her what happened. I told her she was so, so wrong. She was the only one I had talked to that week. I hadn’t even talked to Pansy.
As I lay there, the phone rang. I stared at it for a moment before answering.
“Hello?” I croaked.
“Hey, Tammy, It’s Mikey.”
“Hi.” I mumbled.
“How are you? I haven’t seen you at school lately.”
“I’m fine.” I replied shortly.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Because, we’re all kind of worried about you. Jimmy told us you haven’t left your room… you haven’t been eating… is it true?”
“Yeah, but I’m fine, really.”
I heard him sigh and there was a slight pause before he continued to speak.
“You know, Tammy, Gerard is really sorry. He didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I suddenly snapped out of my lethargic, dream-like state upon hearing his name.
“He wasn’t thinking right.”
“It doesn’t matter, Mikey;” I growled coldly, “what matters is that he did it anyways.”
“Tammy…”
“No. I’m sick of this. I won’t listen to his shit and I’m not listening to yours. You’re brothers a fucking sick fuck. Deal with it.”
“Listen, I know he can be an idiot sometimes, but he loves you so much. He made a mistake. A cruel and selfish mistake, but still a mistake.”
“He put you up to this, didn’t he?” I accused, “He thought if you told me how sorry he was, I’d listen and forgive him, right?”
“No, Tamika, he didn’t put me up to anything. I phoned because, I can’t stand seeing my brother like this. He’s a wreck. And I don’t expect you to forgive him, but would you just… talk to him?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Tammy, please, you don’t know how much it hurts me to see him like this. How much he’s hurting himself. What if it were Jimmy?”
I sighed, understanding washing over me.
“Do it for me, not for him.”
“Mikey… I don’t know if I can talk to him.”
“Please, try. I think you’re the only one he’ll listen to at this point.”
“Fine.”
“Thank you, Tammy.”
“No problem, Mikey.”
A minute later, Gerard picked up the phone.
“Tammy?”
“Hi.”
“Oh, thank God Mikey phoned you. I really need to talk to you.”
“Yeah…”
“I love you so much, babe. You have to come back. Please?”
I frowned, ignoring his word, listening to his speech.
“Are you drunk?” I asked.
“What? No, no… I’m just tired and fuckin’… I miss you.”
“You are drunk.”
“Maybe.”
“When was the last time you were sober?”
“What?” He laughed.
“When was the last time you were sober, Gerard?” I repeated.
“Hmm… Monday morning.”
“Monday?”
“That was a week ago.”
“Mhm.”
“Gerard…”
“Tammy, I think you should take me back. I can’t do this without you. I love you so much…”
“I can’t do that…”
“Aw, come on… you know, I don’t have to cheat again. We could always…” He giggled, “Well, you know.”
My jaw dropped and I scowled. All sympathy I had for the man drained to be replaced by anger.
“Fuck you, Gerard. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have even thought about doing something like that. You would have waited.”
“A man has needs, Tammy.”
I felt tears threatening to fall once again and took a deep breath.
“You are a fucking pig, Gerard.”
“You love it.”
“Fuck you. I knew I shouldn’t have even answered the fucking phone. I fucking hate you.”
“Fuck, Tammy, I’m sorry.”
“Save it.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Save it.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just a little fucked up.”
“I don’t care, Gerard. I can’t even stand talking to you anymore. Give the phone back to Mikey.”
“No.”
“Give it back, now.”
“No, not until you listen to me.”
“I’m never going to talk to you. Ever again. Tell Mikey I’m sorry.”
I hung up quickly and threw the phone against the wall, beginning to cry. I ran up stairs, enraged and blinded, and locked myself in the washroom. I ripped open the medicine cabinet and broke one of my dad’s favorite razors to get to the blade. I slid down the wall opposite the mirror, sobbing violently. I pressed the blade to the soft skin of my wrist, biting my lip. I couldn’t handle any of it anymore. I was at my ropes end and I was still thirty feet above the pavement. I dragged the blade across my flesh, gasping from the pain, but cut again and again. I smiled sadistically watching my own blood flow from the open wounds, onto the floor. I heard Jimmy knock on the door, asking me what was wrong, but didn’t answer; I just watched the blood until I got sleepy. I closed my eyes, the need to sleep more urgent than ever, and fell unconscious, not knowing if I’d ever wake up and not caring one bit.